Oscars

The Academy of Motion Pictures and Movies held its annual “Pretender of The Year” ceremony in which they give awards to adults who play pretend better than other adults.

This is all very important. This morning on MSNDNC, oops, I mean MSNBC; they opened “First Look”, the early morning newscast, with the “Oscar” ceremony. MSNBC, for those of you that don’t keep up with these things, woke up one day and decided to be the Bizzaro Fox. Since Fox is wingnut conservative, MSNBC will be moonbat liberal. FOX has female anchors that look like models. MSNBC has female anchors that look like they just woke up.

Since the most important story was the Oscars, what was the second most important story? Election Day in Iraq.

I watched a little bit of the Oscars. Doogie Howser sang. Steve Martin told some jokes. Alec Baldwin (also known as the Fat Mean to His Kid Baldwin) told some jokes too.

The problem for me is that I had only seen one movie that was nominated. It was, “Inglorious Basterds”.

I would be the first to say I enjoyed that movie. Brad Pitt pretended to be a character that sounded like my son’s high school football coach. He had the line of the year in which he said, “You probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner taken business; we in the Nazi killin business. And cousin, business is a boomin”. I don’t think Brad Pitt was nominated for this. He should have been. Maybe next year he can actually pretend he was my son’s football coach and talk about the importance of the Wing T offense.

“Inglorious Basterds” was an “historical” movie if you think Adolph Hitler died in a movie theatre fire. It was about as historically accurate as Oliver Stone’s “JFK”. But at least I didn’t have to wear special glasses to see it.

“Avatar” was the big movie this winter. Big meaning “long”. I’ve gotten to the point in my life that if a movie can’t tell me a story in 90 minutes to 2 hours, it is not worth my time. I guess you can make the argument that if you’re paying twenty bucks to go to a movie, you might as well go to the longest one you can.

One of the things I noticed this year is that I didn’t know a lot of the stars that were walking on the red carpet. Here is a sample conversation my wife and I had:

Wife: “Who is that?’
Me: “I don’t know, Merlin Olsen?”
Wife: “No, she was in the movie we saw that we both liked a while ago.”
Me: “I think he was a defensive lineman for the Los Angeles Rams and was on ‘Little House on the Prairie”. After that, he sold flowers.”
Wife: “No, I think she was in ‘Alien’”.
Me: “Merlin Olsen was never in that movie”.
Wife: “That’s Sigourney Weaver!”


This went on for most of the pre-show activities with my wife saying “Who’s that?" and me not knowing who it was. We’re going to be real fun in the old folk’s home.

Like me add this: I don’t care who made your dress. There. It needed to be said.

I didn’t see many of the winners getting their awards. I heard Jeff Bridges got an award for pretending he was Jeff Bridges. Sandra Bullock got an award for playing the most scary creature of all: the white Southern evangelical.

The movie of the year was “The Hurt Locker”. The director used to be married to the director of “Avatar”. I thought that director was still married to Linda Hamilton, who was in all of the “Terminator” movies. Nope, that was years ago. James Cameron is two wives away from Linda Hamilton, who I didn’t see on the Red Carpet.