More From "Mullet"-Your Kid's Coach

You and Your Child’s Coach


Now that you have bought your kid’s glove, bat, and shoes, you are now ready to meet the most important person your kids life: The Coach.

Coaching in youth sports is a highly stressful position that is filled with only the top men of the community. After a vigorous screening process (“Do you want to coach?”) a man is accepted into the Coaching Fraternity. Some call him names like “Hey you” and “That guy” and funny nicknames that rhyme with “gas pole”. But he is the man that will teach your son the game of baseball.

But, first he has to make sure that his KID is recognized as the biggest salami in the deli and guarantee that his KID is picked for “The All Stars” (yes, there are All Star leagues for kids that have graduated kindergarten. If you can round first base without pooping on yourself, you are a candidate for “The All Stars”)
He usually has an assistant coach known as The Assistant Coach and it is usually filled with someone of these qualifications: 1) he is a friend 2)his kid is a good player 3) his wife is hot.

Now other books on youth sports try to tell you to talk to the coach and get to know him. The truth is that most coaches don’t want you to get to know them unless, of course, your kid is a good player or your wife is hot. If your kid is a good player and your wife is hot, the man just may move in with you.

Here are the different types of coaches:


A. Major Pain: This is a guy that is either in the service or has just retired from the service and thinks elementary school kids are just like the grunts in the military. They usually run the kids a lot and try to establish a espirt-decorps by yelling at them. Most kids usually have nervous breakdowns the first week of the season and then get used to it and turn him off. Pros: Usually gruff but nice underneath everything. Con: May want your kid for a secret mission to Iran.

B. Old Yeller: This is a non military guy who has studied all of the great coaches and has determined the one secret that binds them all together is screaming at players. A lot of the instructions this guy yells, “Hit the bottom two thirds of the ball at the correct perpendicular” don’t make a lot of sense. Pros: Dead of a cerebral hemorrhage before the end of the season. Con: Before he dies, you always know he’s there.

C. Bi-Polar Bob: This coach begins the season as Barney the Dinosaur and ends it as Michael Myers. If the teams wins, he is happy and crying, hugging all the kids, promising to take them to Disney World. If the team loses, hide all sharp objects. Pros: On a good day you get ice cream! Con: You see him on the news in a watchtower.

D. Hurried Harry: This coach is usually the Vice President of his company and has decided that he has the time to coach a baseball team. Pros: Usually has neat gifts for the players because he can afford it, like a team bus. Con: Schedules all of the games late because of his work schedule. “Um, I hope you parents don’t mind a ten p.m. start time…”

E. Rather Be Somewhere Else: Occasionally, there are those people that are talked into coaching by this stirring argument: “We need other coaches”. Usually this happens at the last minute and the guy has not made any preparations to coach. So, if you ever hear the words, “I was not planning on coaching this year”, go ahead and stitch a “L” on your kids jersey.

F. Coach Big Shot: This coach is very wealthy, sometimes from jobs you would not think would pay a lot of money, like District Manager for “The World’s Finest Chocolate” or a speechwriter for Howard Dean. Still, this coach will shower your kid with gifts like batbags, windbreakers, Underarmor Gear, motorcycles, etc. One day, you will peer into the dugout and see him giving cigars to all of the players and lighting them with a $100 bill. What’s even better, he will pay for the names of the kids on the back of their jersey and if he is really loaded, on the back of the hats. Pros: Usually has some cigars left over. The post season team party is an all-expense paid trip to Aruba. Cons: Sometimes mistakes you for domestic help.

G. The Hunk: It may surprise you men out there, but there are those men among us who do not go totally to seed after they get married. The guys that even after working 14 hours a day find the time to do 300 push-ups in fifteen minutes, run four miles a day and make love to their wives three times a night. They usually make as much money as Coach Big Shot, but these guys have their own TV show. Pros: Never needs help carrying the equipment from their car. Con: You hear your wife mention his name while talking in her sleep


Seriously, though, most coaches are guys like you that have jobs and families and other stress related activities like the male waste production system that insists you go to the bathroom after every meal or even gum chewing. They don’t receive any monetary reward. Just the thrill of knowing that their kid can play better than yours is payment enough.

I know what you are thinking. How can I help out? My answer is don’t even try. The reason for this is that you might get stuck in the worst job in Youth Baseball: Dugout Dad.

Being the Dugout Dad means you have to stay in the dugout and help remind the kids who’s turn at bat it is. After ages 11 plus, this isn’t that bad, especially if you find jokes about breaking wind funny. Before then though, you are just a grown up standing around trying to get kids to “pay attention” during a game. Let’s face it, it is hard enough to get the kids to pay attention if they are out in the field, much less if they are on the bench, where there are bugs, and gum, and burps, and the other. You people really need to discipline your kids better.