Au Revoir, College Football

I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time    - Bob Dylan

We’re at the time of year when our favorite professional sport, college football, begins a new season.

This season, in all probability, will end like the past two seasons with Alabama winning The BCS Mythical Championship. It is not a lock. The national sports media would love for two non-SEC schools to be in the Championship game. If it happened to be The Ohio State University versus Stanford, the national sports media would act like guy who learns his fiancé Kate Upton also knows how to cook.

            Kate Upton's fiance learning that she knows how to cook.

 

However, this season will proceed without the weekly “This Week’s Picks” which has been a part of Humor Me since its inception in 1959. (From 1959: “What’s with all these guys wearing facemasks? Are they women? Next thing you know, they won't rub dirt on  fractures”). Here at Humor Me headquarters I have been meeting with my executive Vice President of Vice Presidenting (my cat, Grace D. Manis) regarding “This Week’s Picks”.

   Gracie D. Manis, Executive Vice President, Humor Me, Inc.


I  actually started “This Week’s Picks” in 2002 on The Wheeler Alumni.Com site. I would post who I thought would win the various “important” games of the week and my fellow Wildcats would comment. From there it eventually landed at Humor Me, where I kept it going for the past three years.

I’ve learned a lot about College Football over the past 11 years.

One, most opinions about college football are like belly buttons: everybody has one and they are good for nothing. There are some people worthwhile listening to regarding college football-there is just not a lot of them.

Two, you can make generalizations about a particular fan base because they are true. For example, Alabama fans are the most passionate. They are also the most criminally insane. They are people you don’t want to leave your children overnight with.  They sleep, eat, and breath Alabama football 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks out of the year. I’m sure  Alabama marriage counselors have heard, more than once, a weeping wife say that her husband called her “Bear” while making love.

Auburn fans tend to whine a lot. You need to keep a close eye on LSU fans. They might try to stick you with a knife. Georgia fans say things like, “I’ve looked over our schedule for the next three years and I don’t see how we can lose a game. If we do, we need to get rid of that sorry, good for nothing Mark Richt because he is too soft. Do you think Saban ever lost a game? NO!”

Three, I am convinced that all of the Division I FBS head coaches would sell babies on the black market if it meant they would win a BCS National Championship. Even Mark Richt. “Hi, I’m Mark Richt. Before every home game, I hop into my Ford F-150, drive around Athens and try to sell babies. If you see me, be sure to walk up to me and engage me in a long discussion regarding blocking schemes.”

Four, there are a lot a small colleges that have football teams and one of them is named Ursinus, which is a private, independent, co-educational liberal arts college located (conveniently) in Collegeville, Pennsylvania. For the past two years, I have included a “Division III Game of The Week”.  My method was very scientific. I would find the funniest named college and see who they were playing in that particular week. I probably should have won a Nobel Prize for my efforts.

I’m not giving up College Football. I have a busy fall coming up and I want to write on other topics. Gracie suggested that I use my Friday status on Facebook to give my weekly picks. (Ok, maybe having a talking cat is a good reason to give up commenting on the weekly insanity of College Football. At least that’s what the doctor said.)