The Bitter Pill of Low T

According to the commercials shown during most professional sporting events, the number one medical problem among men is hypogonadism. This is when the body produces little or no hormones. It is referred to as “Low T” or Low Testosterone.

I know what you are thinking: How do I know if I have Low Testosterone?  The symptoms of Low Testosterone are  a lack of energy, a decrease in strength, loss of height, grumpiness  and falling asleep after dinner.  With most men, these symptoms do not seem too serious. However, there are two other symptoms which are very serious: A decrease in libido and YOUR BEST FRIEND IS NOT ACTING RIGHT, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

This makes Low Testosterone a major male medical problem. I have been a man all of my life, I can say with certainty that most men think about sex 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds a day.  You’ll be reading an article in Commentary magazine about Madeleine Albright and suddenly you’re thinking about Madeleine Albright, the woman.  So, anything that causes a man not to think about sex for just a moment has to be a medical problem.

                                                     W-O-M-A-N

I’m happy to say that medical science has tackled that other problem aggressively and now we have pills that can, um, help. (Interesting footnote, one of the patients that tested Viagra before it hit the market was Bob Dole. Really. Can’t you see it now? “Liddy, Bob Dole is ready for sex.")

                            Somebody has been to the drug store.

I’m not going to describe the pre-Viagra world for you except to say that the treatment was a real mood killer.

How do I know? I worked for years in medical insurance for a very large insurance company that covered a very large company with many male employees. The day Viagra hit the market was an important date in history because it made my job even tougher (there were a lot of UNION members that worked for our customer) than it was ordinarily.

I think as soon as this company’s employees heard about Viagra, they RAN to the doctor to get a prescription.  I’m not sure how much the drug maker made from it, but I'm sure it was in the gazillions.

Here’s a transcript of a typical phone call.

Me: Thank you for calling United Jerk Insurance, my name is Alan, how may I help you?

Caller: Well [There are certain people, and I am one, that if you took “Well” out of their vocabulary, they could not carry on a conversation], my wife died a couple years back and before that I had prostate cancer. Before that, I had diabetes, cystic fibrosis, gout, and I stepped on a land mine in either Korea, Vietnam or Israel. (Caller proceeds with his entire medical history). I think I had the mumps, too, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I haven’t, you know, since my wife died. Anyhow, I’ve started dating this woman whose late husband Harve used to be on my bowling team. I wasn’t you know, checking her out while my wife was alive and her and Harve seemed like they got along fine. Well, seeing that both our spouses kicked the bucket, we decided to go out for lunch. Then we started to date. Well, one thing led to another and he-he-he (laughs). I thought it would be like riding a bicycle, but my tire was flat, if you know what I mean. Anyhoo, I went to the doctor that treated me for the prostate cancer and he wrote me out a prescription for Viagra. Well, I took it to the drug store and they only gave me 12 pills.  That’s not enough!  (Caller then proceeds to tell an apparently true graphic story regarding old people sex). I worked for General Jerks for 30 years and they owe me a (comical term for arousal).

Me: [During this time I’m checking the  phone queue and there are 200 calls in queue with a two hour wait time] The General Jerks Informed Choice Plan has several different insurance companies process portions of their employee’s benefits. United Jerk processes and pays only the medical insurance claims. We do not process the prescription drug claims which are processed by Medi-Jerk. Would you like their phone number to call?

Caller: Medi-Jerk told me to call you.

This exact same phone call happened at least four hundred times a day for several months. Finally, I explained to one caller that 12 pills divided by four weeks equals 3 times a week and that’s not too shabby. Granted, it wasn’t the most professional explanation to use, but it was all I can think of to get the caller off the phone so I could hear the next caller tell me about how the drugstore “gave” him only 12 pills.

All I can say is this: Men, if you have Low Testosterone, don’t tell me. As far as I'm concerned, ignorance is bliss.