The Key Club Epiphany

“Life is unfair” –President Jimmy Carter and Your Mom

One of the more interesting books in The Bible is the Book of Job.

The Book of Job is about a devout man named Job who suddenly loses everything he has (wealth and family) in what has to be described as a really bad day. Then he gets these awful boils that he has to scrape with broken pottery. As a Sebaceous Cyst survivor, I can’t imagine how bad that must have been. (By the way, here is how you treat a Sebaceous Cyst. You go to the doctor. The doctor pokes it with a needle and then mashes all of the Sebaceous out.)

The Book of Job explores some of the most profound questions humans ask about their lives such as why I wasn’t selected to be in “The Key Club” in high school. Okay, maybe it doesn’t deal directly with that question.

Back in the 70’s, the big club at Wheeler High School was “The Key Club”. "The Key Club" is sponsored by The Kiwanis and according to their website “is an international student-led organization which provides its members with opportunities to provide service, build character and develop leadership.”

It was a huge deal to be in “The Key Club”. The guys in the club wore a Yellow Jersey with the word “Key” on the front (in Old English script) and the name of the kid on the back. It is no exaggeration to say all of the cool guys at school were in “The Key Club”. Even the lamest, nerdiest boy in “The Key Club” was twice as cool as me.

One of my teachers, the aforementioned Willie Wetmumpka  (Humor Me: Bogus Bells June 8, 2011) suggested or nominated little ole me to be in “The Key Club”.  I was happy that somebody finally saw my obvious greatness even though Willie always confused me with both of my two brothers. Maybe he thought he was nominating one of them because I wasn’t very service orientated, I had no character, and I had the leadership skills of a cocker spaniel.

I wasn’t quite sure what “The Key Club” actually did that provided service, built character and developed leadership. I heard something about setting up chairs. I wasn’t sure how setting up chairs would develop my leadership or character, but I was willing to do it just to get the cool shirt.

The problem was that this was still the 70’s and you still had to earn your way. None of this open admissions and everybody is special and everyone gets a free unicorn. Nope, you still had to earn your way in. That meant an interview by all of the cool guys in my high school.

I remember my interview. I walked into the room and there were all of “The Key Club” guys. Some I have known literally forever. I don’t think the interview went too well. I remember a question about setting up chairs. (“If you had a girl friend [yeah, right] and y’all were going to go out but we needed some chairs set up, what would you do?”)

There were 19 boys that tried out for “The Key Club”. 16 made it and were wearing the jerseys in our junior year. I was one of the three that didn’t make it.  It was odd, but I wasn’t that upset. I thought it was the necessary confirmation that I wasn’t that cool. Plus, I really wasn’t looking forward to setting up chairs.

Then the other day, I had one of my typical epiphanies. The problem with my epiphanies is that they come way too late for me to do any good. I had awful grades back then and that was probably the reason for my black balling. Yeah, that’s it! Anyway, that’s what I tell myself and it helps me to sleep at night.