This may sound un-American, but I really didn’t get into The
Super Bowl this year. The main reason is that my hometown team, The Atlanta Falcons, lost in the NFC title
game to The San Francisco 49er’s. When that happened, my interest just went
south like the bad sport that I am. Ok, so sue me.
The quarterback for The 49ers is Colin Kaepernick. He is the
Quarterback Du Jour because he runs real fast and has a rocket arm, just like
last year’s Quarterback Du Jour, Cam Newton.
Kaepernick has what seems to be an inordinate amount of tattoos on his
body. I know tattoos are big with
younger folks, but I subscribe to the Jimmy Buffett theory on tattoos: “Tattoos
are a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.” It doesn’t make him a “bad” person and he seems like a nice
kid, but I don’t want to read his body.
On the other end of the spectrum is Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis was
a great football player. Ray Lewis is, however, a problematic human being. Ray
Lewis is a terrible theologian. I know God loves us all and is interested in
our well being. Ray just makes it sound like that RAY is at the top of God’s
list to bless. Sorry about you folks with cancer, but God needs to focus his
attention on RAY.
Oh yeah, did you hear that the Coach of The 49ers and the
Coach of The Ravens are brothers? Yeah,
same Mom and Dad and everything. Just when you thought you were tired of the
Mannings, here comes the Harbaughs!
The little girl is the new Head Coach of The Cleveland Browns
The game started out with Alicia Keys doing a four hour
rendition of The National Anthem. This generation of singers, and I blame
Mariah Carey, can take a phrase like “O say can you see..” and turn it into
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO saaaaaaaaay can youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Alicia Keys is a very talented beautiful woman, but gee, let’s
try to finish The National Anthem before the game ends.
I was thinking about Alicia Keys and couldn't keep from crying.
Over the years, The Super Bowl has become the Commercial
Premiere Bowl and we all spend the next day talking about the commercials as
much as we do the game. This year, I thought the commercials were flat. You had
Dodge replaying a Paul Harvey speech about a farmer and how we are all farmers
if we drive a Dodge truck. I think that’s how Don Draper would have presented
it. Go Daddy.com had the grossest commercial which feature a Super model playing
tonsil hockey with a guy charitably described as a “nerd”. This guy makes the nerds on “The Big Bang
Theory” look like Calvin Klein models. The commercial featured sounds that you do not
associate with the NFL, much less a display of affection. Sometimes I wish Go
Daddy would just go away.
The luckiest man on the face of the earth
The Super Bowl Halftime Show was Beyonce Knowles who is
Jay-Z’s wife. I’m not sure who Jay-Z actually is, but he is very important.
He’s been mentioned in a Mylie Cyrus song. The last time we heard from Beyonce was when
she lip-synched The National Anthem at President Obama’s inaugural. Her show was an upgrade from last year’s show
which was Madonna, who if she tried to move like Beyonce, would have broken several bones. Beyonce reunited with her original singing
group “Destiny’s Child”, although I must admit I didn’t know they had broken
up. I am proud that I had actually heard of one her songs: “All The Single
Ladies”. Yep, I am that hip.
"Destiny's Who? Oh Please...."
The most exciting part of the game was when the lights went
out. This is when I made the strategic
decision to go to bed. I think Baltimore
won. As Ray Lewis would say, “When God is for you, you can sire a lot of kids
and not marry their moms” or “When you’re with God, people will forget about a
little thing that might have happened in Atlanta
13 years ago.”
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