Hot Enough

In case you didn’t know, it is summer time. Summer time is known for many things. The kids are out of school for a couple of weeks. New movies based on movies based on comic books are released. People go on vacation, sometimes in the most unusual places. One summer, before our son was born, Lori and I went to Memphis Tennessee to help me find a party that tried to get in touch with me.

We went to Graceland to pay our respects to King Elvis The First. One problem: it was the eleventh anniversary of his death and there were tons of people. Second problem: in 1988 it cost $8.00 a ticket (Lord Almighty) to tour the Mansion. My wife balked at the price and we went to a place called Mud Island instead. I don’t remember too much about Mud Island except it was cheaper than Graceland. We did get to see a brutal domestic argument between a husband and wife with the man yelling, “YOU ARE THE BIGGEST (female dog in heat) I HAVE EVER SEEN”. It was truly a hunk of burnt love.

One thing that has been discovered by the news media in The Summer of 2012 is that it gets a bit warm. That might be an understatement. It has been hot this summer. It is like the thermostat for the Earth has been set on HELL.

The local Atlanta news media has been broadcasting stories with alarm they usually reserve only for snow. I was listening to the radio the other day and there was a “heat alert”. It was a triple digit temperature day. I had experienced several triple digit temperature days in Las Vegas one summer. Vacation tip: never go to Las Vegas in the summer. It was a dry heat, but dry heat is still hot. It was so hot one day that not one single Hispanic tried to give me a Naked Woman with Stars on Their Parts baseball card.

Since the media takes its responsibility seriously regarding summer weather, they have been giving tips about “how to beat the heat”. I take this responsibility seriously too. Here are the 2012 HUMOR ME TIPS ON HOW TO BEAT THE HEAT.

1) Find some place cooler than were you are now. For example, if you are standing in the sun, find some shade. If you are outside, go inside if there is air conditioning. If there is no air conditioning, buy a fan and plug it in. It you can’t buy a fan, the U.S. Constitution says one will be provided for you except it may not be as good as the other fans the rich people buy.

2) Now is not a good time to light a fire in the fire place.

3) Avoid hot drinks like Hot Chocolate or Coffee when you are outside in the sun.

4) Try to drink a lot of water. If you can’t find a lot of water, try to drink a 32 oz soda unless you are in Manhattan. Then drink 16.5 ounces just so you can stick it to the man.

5) I know you are unhappy about Trayvon, but wearing a hoodie is not a good idea.

6) Wear short pants and a tank top, even to church. It turns out God doesn’t care what you wear to His House. He’s pretty cool now.

7) Roll down the windows of the car and crank up the volume as loud as you want it because you want to share the music you like with everyone on earth. Even songs that say, “If you ain’t a 10, you’re a 9.9.” This has nothing to do with weather per se, but it seems to work for a lot of people.

8) Go to a water park and enjoy the mass semi-nudity with people that are generally very gross. One time, we went to a water park in Florida where we saw one family in line ahead of us: Grandma who obviously had, um, enhancements and Cousin Jerry who was a walking fur ball but still found time to have nipple rings. I guess he wanted the world to know that under all of that hair, there were man nipples (that sounds like the name of a band: “Here they are…The Man Nipples”).