Religion and Politics

I decided to venture into the murky waters of polling because it seemed like a good way to make a few extra bucks. I had dreams of hearing “In the latest Al Poll, 54% of all Republicans think it is okay for Zaxby’s to charge twenty five cents for an extra Zak sauce even though they have those awful Rachel Dratch commercials”. (This is something somebody should do something about-paying for an extra Zak sauce. Not Rachel Dratch.)

I was curious as to how Newt Gingrich won forty four per cent of the Evangelical vote in South Carolina despite being married three times with each new wife getting better looking. Gingrich, a man of great intellect and talent, appears to think that a head cold is grounds for divorce. I thought maybe that my fellow Evangelicals do not like Mitt Romney because he is a Mormon. (They seem to like Ron Paul even though he is a Martian.) I know a lot of my church buddies loved Dale Murphy, the former center fielder for the Atlanta Braves who is a Super Mormon.

Unlike the lamestreet- know everything media; I conducted a poll in the most scientific way I know how: I put a question on Facebook. I asked if Mitt Romney’s Mormonism is problem. Let’s face it; Mormons have some exotic beliefs about Jesus coming to America and underwear. They also have these weird standards about personal honesty, integrity, obedience to law, chastity outside of marriage and fidelity within marriage (which would knock out a certain former Speaker of The House and a former President or two). They also do not like Coca-Cola (which knocks me out).

The first answer I got was from Bruce Burns: “For all I care, he could worship Grape-Nuts nude under a waning moon”. Of course, Bruce is referencing former President William Howard Taft who was a Grapenutian. Bruce did not elaborate and say what he would think if Romney worshiped Coco Puffs wearing a pair of gym pants under a blazing sun like Harry Truman.

I urged everyone to be free and open with their responses and not worry about being politically correct. Greg Campbell said, “If your house is on fire, you don't care what kind of prayer the fireman prayed on the way to the fire. You can witness to him after the fire. Our country is on fire and the non American, ala worshiping, Socialist, Marxist, over spending elitist goofball, is pouring foreign gas all over it. Is that un pc enough?” I took that as a “No”. The other responses were more or less the same: Mitt Romney’s religion is not a problem and we definitely don’t want to hear about that religion from somebody riding a bicycle.

Of course, you knew that we could count on President Obama to address this issue with a four hour lecture on religious tolerance. He urges us to respect each others’ opinions and realize that God has not joined any particular political party. Ha, ha, just kidding.

The President, speaking at The National Prayer Breakfast, has searched the scriptures and discovered that Jesus is a Democrat. He said that raising taxes on Millionaires and Billionaires (definition for now: families making over $250K) “coincides with Jesus' teaching that 'for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.’” As an Evangelical I can tell you this: as soon as someone starts quoting this, hold on to your wallet because much shall be required and it never stops being required.

Then the President decided it would be okie-dokie for the Catholic Church (which includes their charities, colleges, and etc) to provide free women’s health care services such as contraception, sterilization and pharmacological abortion. I’m not certain how long the President searched the scriptures or the Constitution to discover that “women’s health rights” overrides the First Amendment to the Constitution, but you know the President is way smarter than you.

The President has offered a compromise. The Catholic Church will not have to provide insurance benefits that give free women’s health care services. It will be provided, for free, by the evil insurance companies that probably aren’t even green. This works because money grows on trees.

Oh, Lord.