The Rudolph Recap

In case you have missed this Christmas special that has appeared on television every year since 1964, here is the recap of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.

“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a kind of/sort of puppet cartoon show based on the Christmas song that I once sang in Latin in high school. “Rudolphus rubrinasus fulgentissimo naso, vidisti et si eum dicas candere”.  Ah, the memories of high school. It took years of therapy and medication to get over it.

It begins with spinning headlines of newspapers informing us that the weather is bad. Then we meet Sam the Snowman. He acts surprised that you have never seen a talking snowman with a goatee who plays the banjo and wears a vest but no pants. He begins telling a long story about how they almost had to cancel Christmas.

Why does he wear a hat? Wouldn't that make him warm?

           

As a kid, the idea of someone canceling Christmas ranked right up there with nuclear war as the worst possible thing that could happen. So Sam the Talking Goateed Snowman had our attention.

It seems Donner, Santa’s lead reindeer and Mrs. Donner had a baby buck. They named him Rudolph because they liked the name and they sent him to the finest school in town. Soon, they noticed his red nose and that “it glows”. Today, this would have meant Rudolph was “special”. Back in the 60’s, it just meant that it was another thing to hide from the neighbors, like Donner’s gambling habit.

The Shame of the Light Bulb Nose

                                      
Santa drops by to see the brand new baby and of course, he reinforces their prejudice against red noses, like it has anything to do with pulling a sleigh. Santa breaks out into a song about being the “king of jingle-ling”. This Santa is very self absorbed.


We are then introduced to a weird elf named Hermey who wants to become a dentist because “he doesn’t like being an elf”. This was the start of the Occupy North Pole movement. Anyway, Hermey decides to runaway from Christmas Town instead of doing what most elves would do: file a compliant with the Elf Union.

Just build a toy, hippie!

                           
Donner puts a fake nose on Rudolph for Santa Sleigh try outs and perhaps have Rudolph invited to fly on a “travel team”. Coach Comet comes out with hat and whistle on making you wonder how he put on a hat and a whistle. Rudolph catches the eye of a striking doe named Clarice who has a bow on her head. She tells Rudolph that she thinks he is cute and Rudolph starts flying around. In the midst of the celebrating the great flying with a blond headed reindeer dude named Fireball, the fake nose pops off and Rudolph is cut from the team. Rudolph decides to runaway from home instead of doing what most reindeer would do: file a lawsuit against Coach Comet and Santa for discrimination.

Clarice is pretty hot for a reindeer

                

This reminds me of my PE coach in Junior High School

                   
Rudolph and Hermey meet up. Neither understands the other but like all freaks, they decide to hang out together. Soon they meet up with the most annoying character in the show, Yukon Cornelius, a prospector who has a poodle in his dog sled team. They are soon confronted with the most terrifying creature in television history: THE SECOND TERM OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. My mistake, it was the Abominable Snowman. The guys flee the attacking Abominable and make their way to The Island of Misfit Toys. The toys include a “Dolly for Sue”, whose problem is psychological. Just what we need: toys with issues.



            

I hid under my bed every time The Abominable come on from 1964 to 1987.

"I want the government to force my Catholic Law School to pay for my contraceptives."

The Island of Misfit Toys is ruled by King Moonracer, a lion with wings. He searches the world over for unwanted toys and brings them to his island. The toys just sit around and complain. It is an island full of liberal arts majors.

There was a lot of dialogue about "The Man" in this scene.

King Moonracer does not allow Rudolph and company to stay because the Island is just for toys. Rudolph is now the victim of reverse discrimination. He asks Rudolph to tell Santa about the island and to find home for the unwanted toys. If I was Rudolph I would have told him to fly over to Santa's house and ask him yourself


King Moonracer, in all of his regal wisdom, allows Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon to spend the night. Rudolph decides to run away, again, because he is afraid that the Abominable will capture and eat them because of his nose. It is always about you, Rudolph.

Clarice, Donner, and Mrs. Donner have a journey of their own: convincing Nancy Grace they had nothing to do with the disappearance of Rudolph. They soon begin their own search for Rudolph, just about the time Rudolph, who has become a Man Reindeer, shows up at his home cave. (Clarice has become a Woman Reindeer, sporting a matching bra with her bow). Of course, Rudolph runs into Santa Claus, who lays a big old guilt trip on Rudolph without mentioning that he helped reinforce that anti-red nose culture in Christmas Town in the first place.

Rudolph knows where to find Clarice and his folks because he sent Clarice a text from his iPhone that said "Whre R U ?". Her reply: "N cave w/UR flks . Donner has very bad gas. OMG, almost forgot, The Abominable is going to eat us". The Abominable hits Rudolph over the head with a rock. Then out of nowhere, Hermey and Yukon show up with a plan that involves pigs, removal of teeth and falling off of cliffs. When they realize Yukon has gone off the cliff with the Abominable, the reindeer bow their head in thanksgiving that these two creatures have suffered a very much deserved death. Unfortunately, that did not happen because of a little known law of physics called "Bumble Bounce".

Soon everyone is back at Christmas Town. Rudolph informs Santa about the loser toys. Santa gets a weather report. Christmas is canceled. But wait, Rudolph has a red nose! Christmas is saved! Yay! Everyone joins in singing “Holly Jolly Christmas”.(Raise your hand if you have ever sung these words: "Have a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best time. I don't know if they'll be snow, but let's go grab a beer.") Rudolph and the other eight reindeer take Santa to the Island of Misfit Toys. The toys jump in the sleigh. While flying high, an elf gives the misfit toys an umbrella and the toys jump out of the sleigh. These toys are so misfit, Santa cannot bring them to you. No, he just throws them out of the sleigh. If you find a toy in your yard this Christmas, you know where they are from.