President Abraham Lincoln Obama

If the current President gave The Gettysburg Address

Four score and seven years ago, which at Harvard they told us was eighty seven years, our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, which they stole from the Native Americans. If they didn’t steal it, they killed and plundered for it. It was conceived in liberty (sure) and dedicated to the proposition that all men (did you hear that?) are created equal. Even those with funny names that were “born” in Hawaii.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war. It just so happens that war is in Africa, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure without the approval of the French. Can you believe it? A nation that idolizes Jerry Lewis as some sort of genius is the test if anything is multi-lateral. Because Jean Claude thinks so, we are meeting in a great no fly zone.

We have come to dedicate of portion of this field as a final resting place for those that gave their lives for those that might or might not be as bad as the Colonel Gaddafi himself. Which is another point. If he is such a hot shot leader, why is he only a colonel? It is altogether fitting and proper that we make up songs for our morning drive time radio programs that make mention to “Gaddafi Duck”. The girls really like those songs.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate we cannot hallow this ground because a certain political party, led by a man that tears up at baseball games, is playing politics with our budget and wants to make “Big Bird” and “Arthur” unemployed. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above your poor power to add or detract. I think I can add to it pretty well myself. The world will note and it will long remember what I say here today because I have that effect on people. It will remember that global warming and single payer health insurance was not ignored in a time when we were helping rebels in a far away land take over a country even I wouldn’t vacation in.

It is for us, the living, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work, which may last a looong time, if you know what I mean. Hopefully, it will be finished before the next election when I will slay the next hapless Republican that comes my way. I plan to win several more awards and may even win another Nobel Prize (fingers crossed)! It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before: fund raising. Our goal is to raise more money than the Republicans. We even have a new slogan. “Hope and Change” is gone—it is so 2008. Our slogan for 2012 is “A light rail near every house”. Our secondary slogan is “Sometimes when you give up looking for a job is when you find one!”

We here highly resolve that those in the military, who joined either because they were losers or couldn’t afford college, will not die in vain for this mission which may be humanitarian in nature or regime change (haven’t quite figured that part out yet). That this nation, under the wisdom of our new European leaders, shall have a new birth of freedom and that the government of the college professor, by the college professor and for the college professor shall not perish from the earth. Go Kansas!