Where Have You Gone, Johnny Carson?

 

 I know, I know.

Johnny Carson died in 2005 due to his love affair with cigarettes. 

You can watch Johnny Carson on YouTube.  Johnny puffing away on cancer sticks while interviewing someone your parents liked. The guy from "Police Woman",  David Janssen, Rodney Dangerfield, and Joan Rivers, who landed in Johnny's dog house for not calling him to tell him she was going to star in the new Fox Television Network's show opposite him. When you got in Johnny's dog house, you stayed in Johnny's dog house.

 I've been thinking about Johnny a lot lately, with all of the brouhaha about "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert".

Out of the blue, CBS, which is owned by Paramount, which is merging with Skydance, canceled "The Late Show."  Skydance is owned by David Ellison, who is the son of Larry Ellison, who is big buddies with the Orange Threat To Democracy, Donald Trump. Got that?

Colbert has been, um, extremely critical of The Orange Man.  I can't think of a positive statement Colbert has made about Trump.  Maybe he has, I don't know. I don't even know if Colbert has admitted that Trump is a carbon-based life form.

Because Skydance needed the approval from the FCC to merge with Paramount and Ellison's connection to Trump, this has led some to think the cancellation of "The Late Show" has to do more with Trump than anything else. You don't have to be Lt. Columbo to see that this is another step to fascism. 

Sen Elizabeth Warren said, "It’s a shame that CBS canceled 'The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,' but it is a threat to all of us that the top late-night show in the country may have been canceled to curry favor with a wannabe king."

Here's another view.

In the first quarter of 2025, Colbert averaged 2.42 million viewers. Jimmy Kimmel averaged 1.77 million. Jimmy Fallon averaged 1.9 million viewers.

Greg Gutfield averaged 3.29 million viewers.  I know I went to Cobb County Public School, but 3.29 million is more than 2.42 million which would make Gutfield the "top" light night show, but maybe I'm just being pedantic.

By the way, Johnny Carson averaged 12 million viewers a night.

Also, and this is important, the Wall Street Journal said Late Night lost $40 million last year.  Reuters added that the ad revenue from Late Night went from $121 million in 2018 to $70.2 million last year. 

Colbert had several problems. Instead of producing an entertainment show, he produced a daily political science class.  His lone guest on the evening he announced CBS was cancelling him was.....wait for it... the sexy and exciting...Adam Schiff!

Even if you think Schiff performed yeoman's duties in protecting this country from the ravages of Trumpism, he's got all the charisma of a wet sock. If you are trying to put people to sleep, there's no better person than the Senator from California. 

Senator Warren was on several times. Why?  Was it a bribe to curry favor for "The National Stephen Colbert Day"?  You have all of these movie stars out there, and you trot out Elizabeth Warren, the country's librarian, to shush the country's conservatives. My Lord.

On top of everything, Colbert just could not tell a joke. Lecture, yes. Scold, yes. Joke, no. 

Let's just face the facts.  The American TV talk show is in hospice if not already dead.

When I was a kid, there were dozens of TV Westerns. Each network had several. Then one day, Matt Dillon rode off into the sunset, and there were no more westerns. 

Each network had a variety show. Flip Wilson, Jim Nabors, Carol Burnett, and my mother's favorite, Dean Martin. Dino would start his show singing the first line of "Everybody Loves Somebody" and slide down a pole.  That's entertainment!  I looked around one day, and they were gone, like Abraham, Martin, and John.

It is the same with talk shows.  Once, giants roamed the airwaves. You had Johnny, who told jokes. Merv could sing. Dick Cavett had The Beatles on trashing each other. There was always something to watch.

Jimmy Fallon, who seems like a nice guy, but like Colbert, cannot tell a joke to save his life.  Jimmy Kimmel has his moments, but like Colbert, his nose is so far up the Democratic Party leadership's rear ends that he took brown-nosing to new levels.

Like James Lileks, I was there for career of David Letterman "before he adopted the beard of a 19th-century prophet who roamed the Midwest fulminating about the godlessness of raw walnuts or something."  

Letterman was fun back then with his Stupid Pet Tricks and Top Ten Lists. Somewhere in his run, probably after Leno started to beat him in the ratings with a less inspired show, Old Dave realized he was never going to be Johnny Carson and Dave became a grouch.

The kids don't like talk shows.  They like Tik-Tok where the entertainment features people dancing in their kitchens and their monologues are in the front seat of their car.

When I was a kid, Carson gave this boomer a peek into the fabulous world of adulthood. "Greatest Generation stars, Borscht Belt joke machines, elegant actresses, and the occasional woman from the zoo who brought some terrified marsupial to pee on Johnny’s jacket."  It wasn't a bunch of men crying when their candidate lost an election.  Could you imagine Carson balling over Hubert Humphrey losing in 1968? 

You can't because he wouldn't have. 

He'd light up a cigarette and introduce Angie Dickinson.

 

Welcome To MOHS!

 

WARNING!  I AM AN OLD PERSON AND I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT MY MEDICAL PROCEDURE.

But first, a little background since I am an old person and we are required to inform you of every trivial aspect of a story, particularly one medical in nature. ("It was on a Tuesday, no, make that a Thursday because Wednesday we made sweet love and then we watched Johnny Carson who had Chevy Chase (1)on who used to be on "Saturday Night Live"...wait, come back here.")

It began late last summer. We have a little natural island in our front yard, and it has trees with low-hanging branches.  

One day, while I was out spraying the hostas ("Spraying The Hostas" would be a great name for a  90s rock band) with deer repellent,  I either 1) ran into a branch or 2) a branch poked me in the ear. Either way, I got a gash on my ear ("Gash On My Ear" would be the hit song by "Spraying The Hostas"). 

I didn't think that much about it. It developed a scab and I picked at it because I was newly retired and needed a hobby. I know that is gross and I have prayed about it. 

Two months later, my ear was still scabby. I had my yearly physical with my PCP (2) who said, "You better get a dermatologist to look at it."  As soon as I walked out of the doctor's office, I forgot about it.

 
About three months later, I woke up with blood stains on my pillow. For some reason, my wife didn't like this. I must have picked at it in my sleep.  So I came up with a brilliant idea after I washed my pillow case and my pillow.  I had my wife put a Band-Aid over my scab so I wouldn't pick at it.

Well, it never got better so my wife told me to call my PCP.  The PCP was out so I saw the Nurse Practitioner who prescribed an ointment and advised me to go and see a dermatologist.

By this time, this very ugly scab in my ear was even uglier and even MY SON noticed it. So I went to the dermatologist. That's when things began to get interesting. Well, at least as interesting as it can get at the dermatologist's office.

The first thing you notice at the dermatologist's office is that it has many older people wearing thick bandages. 

The second thing you notice is the office staff who were born during the George W. Bush administration.

Due to my age, the dermatology PA (3) did a "skin check" on me to see if I had any other complaints.  I wear socks older than this PA.  She took a biopsy of a place on my neck, my back, and the reason I came to the office, my ear.

The results: I had a basal cell carcinoma (4) on my neck, a squamous cell carcinoma (5) on my back, and another basal cell carcinoma  in my ear that was caused by the whacking of the tree branch. (6)

My wife had breast cancer. My college roommate/best man died from pancreatic cancer. My brother-in-law died from leukemia.   I did not want to make a big deal of the skin cancers I had. After all, if you are going to have cancer, skin cancer is the best to get. Most skin cancers are not aggressive.  Yes, I know Nellie Fox, Jimmy Buffett,(7) and Freddie Freeman's mother died of skin cancer, but compared to some other cancers, skin cancer does not require you to have chemotherapy and lose your hair. 

Both the cancers on my neck and back were carved out by the PA and I had a stitch pattern that looked like a railroad track.  It was uncomfortable and I tried to be a big boy and not scream during the procedures. 

The one in my ear (oh yeah, remember?) had to be removed by a procedure called "Mohs Surgery" and it was named for the physician who developed it, Frederic Mohs. (8) In the history of medicine, this was a big deal.  Dermatologists were always made fun of by the other doctors. ( Random Doctor:"Well, Dr. Mohs, what's new in the pimple popping world?"  Dr. Mohs:  "I have developed a new procedure and named it after myself. Have you done anything like that, Dr. Bypass?")

According to Healthline.com, "Mohs surgery is a painstaking procedure. It requires microscopic analysis of tissue cells while the surgery is taking place. The borders of each thin layer of tissue are analyzed for potential malignancy as they are removed horizontally. This technique is designed to remove the entire tumor with minimal amounts of healthy tissue. This results in less disfigurement."  

It is not a day at the beach because the microscopic analysis takes a while, and believe it or not, I wasn't the only Mohs patient that day. But I was the youngest. 
 
The actual removal of the tumor wasn't too bad. I have to give praise to the doctor because, as we say down here, they done numbed me real good. 

It was the skin graft that hurt.

They took a piece of skin from a fatty part of my body, which I have plenty of.  Then they sewed the skin into my ear where the tumor was located.  I had a doctor on one side of me, a PA on the other, and their nurse assisting both of them.  

The only problem was that the numbing agent, Lidocaine, causes "the shakes".     

I was shaking so much I thought they would have to tie me down. 

Soon, it was over. I arrived at the doctor's office at 11:00 am and I left at 6:00 pm. 

The doctor prescribed an awesome painkiller that made me sleep. He told me to take it easy for the next day or so. Which I did, and I've managed to stretch it out, taking it easy for the rest of the week.

They bandaged my ear, as we say down here, in a big old bandage. My wife explained to the most important man in our lives, the owner of the Chick-fil-A that we go to, that I had Mohs surgery.  I still had to pay for our meal.

The ear still hurts, but it is getting better. Pretty soon, it will be a distant memory. Until the next tree branch pokes me. 

 

 Footnotes

 1.  My son's father-in-law is a retired pilot for American Airlines. One of his passengers during his working years was Chevy Chase, who he said was a very nice guy. 

2.  Primary Care Physician. 

3.  Physician's Assistant. I'm not sure where Physician's Assistants rank in the medical world, although there seems to be a lot of them. 

4.  The most common form of skin cancer. You probably have several on you right now.

5.  A little more serious than basal cell, but definitely harder to spell or pronounce.

6.  I didn't know this. So don't pick at it. 

7.  Jimmy Buffett died of Merkle Cell Carcinoma which has nothing to do with stepping on a pop top. 

8.  The picture at the end of the post is Dr. Mohs. You'd think they would have given him a bigger plaque. 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 Useless School Rules That Only Made Sense In The 70s

 

 

On the MSN landing page of my computer, there are articles, with pictures, about various topics. 

 

Most of the articles are dumb, obviously written by a Gen Zer or a millennial.  "10 Situation Comedies That Are Classics That Nobody Has Ever Heard Of."  "6 Dogs That Probably Would Support Hitler."  "10 Bands That Are As Overrated As The Beatles."

 

Recently, they had one titled "12 Useless School Rules That Only Made Sense In The 70s".  Since I had most of my education in "the 70s", I have taken the opportunity to cut and paste the article (in italics) and follow it with my comments.  

 

1. No Calculators Allowed

Teachers insisted we’d never have a calculator in our pockets. “Learn to do it by hand,” they’d say, “because you won’t always have a machine to do it for you!” Now, every smartphone has a calculator, and most jobs require computer literacy rather than manual calculation skills. Those hours spent memorizing multiplication tables seem almost quaint now. 

"Seems almost quaint now" is a nice way of saying "stupid". Calculators were very expensive in the 70s and usually only the Whiz-Bang Math Kids had them. They were the ones who figured out 58008 upside down spelled "Boobs", which even they were interested in. 

 

2. Girls Must Wear Skirts or Dresses

Until the mid-1970s, many schools required girls to wear skirts or dresses, even in freezing weather. Pants were considered inappropriate for girls despite being more practical and comfortable. The rule finally changed after parents protested about their daughters having to wear skirts during the winter months. 

I was at Wheeler High School (School Motto: "You might marry one of these girls so act like you have some sense") in the 70s and I don't remember girls wearing dresses. Some of the girls wore inappropriate clothing that allowed you to see parts of her body that you wasn't supposed to see until you joined the Navy.  Of course, these girls are grandmothers now. 

 

 

3. Smoking Area for Students

Believe it or not, many high schools had designated smoking areas for students in the 1970s. With parent permission, students aged 16 and up could smoke during breaks. Some schools even had indoor smoking lounges! The practice continued until research about second-hand smoke emerged in the late 1970s.  

I have written about this before, but Wheeler had a smoking section called either "The Smoking Section" or "The Smoke Hole".  The teachers could smoke in the "Teacher's Lounge".  One teacher, as the bell for the end of the school rang, would have a cigarette in her mouth walking through the hall as the kids were rushing to their buses. I think this teacher would have enjoyed giving us second hand smoke. 

 

 

4. Left-Handed Writing Restrictions

Some teachers still forced left-handed students to write with their right hands, believing left-handedness was a bad habit that needed correcting. Although this practice declined by the 1970s, it persisted in some schools. The psychological impact of this forced change is now well-documented, but it was considered normal back then.  

This is pure horse-feathers.  I went to school in the Deep South and I never saw this.

 

 

5. Mandatory Skirt Length Checks

Girls had to kneel on the floor while teachers measured the distance between their skirt hem and the floor. The rule stated skirts couldn’t be more than two inches above the knee when kneeling. Despite the rising popularity of shorter skirts in fashion, this humiliating practice was common throughout the decade.   

This "humiliating practice" was not done when I was in school and the US Congressman for our district belonged to The John Birch Society.

 

 

6. No Hair Below the Collar for Boys

Despite the popularity of long hair in the 1970s, many schools maintained strict rules about boys’ hair length. Hair couldn’t touch the shirt collar or cover the ears. Some schools even sent boys home with notes requiring haircuts before they could return to class.  

No, they didn't. 

 

 

7 Duck and Cover Drills

These Cold War-era drills continued well into the 1970s. Students were instructed to hide under their desks in case of nuclear attack – as if a wooden desk would protect anyone from an atomic bomb! Looking back, it seems more like a way to give kids a false sense of security.  

I remember doing these, but the teachers also advised it was in case we got hit by a Tornado or something.  But, I've got to say the desks we had could survive an atomic bomb.

 

8. Corporal Punishment

Many schools still used paddles for discipline in the 1970s. The principal’s office often had a wooden paddle prominently displayed as a deterrent. Parents typically signed permission slips allowing this form of punishment, which wouldn’t be tolerated in most schools today.  

I don't remember corporal punishment in high school, but in junior high school the Vice Principal was the bringer of pain. There was a rumor he had paddle with holes in it which would make it hurt worse.  We had one P.E. coach in junior high school who would chase kids around the gym with a wiffle ball bat. He had to stop when all of the Yankees moved into the school district. 

 

 

9. No Water Bottles in Class

Drinking water was only allowed at water fountains during breaks. The idea of carrying water bottles would have seemed absurd – teachers worried students would use them to pass notes or create disturbances. You had to raise your hand and ask permission to get a drink, even on the hottest days.  

I don't think teachers worried that students would use a water bottle to pass notes. I don't even know how that would be done.  They were really worried about chewing gum.  When they started allowing water, soft drinks, french fries, hamburgers, and gum in class is when America started to go downhill. 

 

10. Gender-Separated Classes

Physical education wasn’t the only separated class – many schools divided students by gender for subjects like home economics (girls only) and shop class (boys only). This practice reinforced gender stereotypes and limited learning opportunities for both sexes.  

My 70s education in a county in the Deep South, boys had to take home economics and shop class. In fact, my son has the book shelve I made in seventh grade. I made a "C" on it. The Shop Teacher was being generous. 

 

 

11. Typewriter-Only Papers

Many teachers only accepted typed papers, but computers weren’t available. Students had to use manual typewriters, and one mistake meant retyping the entire page. Some schools even required students to take typing classes, insisting it was a crucial life skill – though they never imagined we’d all be typing on phones!   

Typing Class was probably the most useful class I ever took. It really helped out because computers, if you haven't heard, require you know how to type. 

 

 

12. No Phones in School

The only phone available was the payphone in the hallway, and you needed a note from a teacher to use it. In emergencies, you had to use the office phone under strict supervision. Today’s parents would be horrified at the lack of communication options, but it was normal back then.  

I don't remember a payphone in the hallway. You couldn't just waltz into principal's office and use the phone which was strictly supervised. "Alan, your house has exploded throwing your dog (D.D. which stood for "Dumb Dog") over into your neighbor's yard". "Let me call my dad."  "I must supervise you because you might be ordering a pizza. If you are, we want pepperoni."