When You Say Nothing At All

  "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."  James  3:6                                                                                                                      

When I was in high school, I had one talent:  I could make people laugh.

I'm not bragging. I think I have a good sense of humor. I have a pretty good wit.

But man, I had varsity timing.

I could say a line just at the right time and get a laugh out of my peers.  I could make an entire class laugh in the right circumstance with a well-timed zinger.  

It struck me all these years later, that there was this one classroom that I always killed in. It was like what comedians about a comedy club being their room.  This classroom was my room.

Second floor in the Wheeler High School "new building".  (We had two buildings back then. The original Wheeler building and an addition Cobb County had to build to house  the Yankee children moving in.)  It was the first room near the staircase and you could look out the window and see the football field.  I remember sitting in that room one time and hearing some upperclassman coeds singing "I'm on the top of the world, looking down creation and the only the explanation I can find is the love that I've found ever since you've been around".   Now those coeds are probably grandmothers.

It was in that room when my Latin I teacher gave me detention (for something I wasn't even doing, I swear), I said: "Oh, SNOT".  The whole class exploded in laughter.  I went in for detention the next morning and the teacher had forgotten she gave me detention.  A month later she passed away.

In a Social Studies class, we were doing this hip class projection in which we had to pretend we were on a desert island and we had to nominate two of our classmates as leaders and explain why.  I put down the names of two of the tallest boys in the class and my reason:  so they can pick the coconuts for us. The teacher read it out loud.   Again, big laugh.

My biggest laugh came in 9th grade.  Wheeler, due to the influx of newbies into  East Cobb, was on split sessions.  My school day started at 11:30, I think,  It ended at 5:00.

I was in that room for my sixth-period class.  It was a social studies class, being taught by a young teacher.  I'm sure this teacher could not have been more than twenty-four years old

On the last day of class, she was beaming through the entire lesson. Finally, someone asked her if that was an engagement ring. Yes!  If you have never been in the South when a girl shows off her engagement ring, you are missing a treat.

I turned to the guy sitting in the next desk over and said, "I wonder if she's a virgin".  I promise I had no nasty thoughts about this teacher, although I probably should have.  It just popped in my mind as something funny to say. The guy said, "Why don't you ask her?"   So I raised my hand and I did.

Biggest laugh of my life.

Fast forward ten years later.  I am a substitute school teacher at a high school in Cherokee County. Since I wasn't that much older than they were, I became sort of popular with the students. Well, as popular as a substitute teacher can be.

While taking roll, I heard a girl say, "Gross, that's gross, gross", I looked up and a kid had his hand raised.  He said, "Mr. Manis, do you know what  (clinical term for a sex act)  means?"

Like a dummy, I said, "Yeah".  He said, "What does it mean?"

I literally saw my life flash between my eyes.  I could see the headlines, "Cherokee County Substitute Teacher  Describes Sex Act To Students".  And then I saw another headline  "Cherokee County Substitute Gives The Wrong Description Of A Sex Act To Students-What A Dumb-Butt" because while I was 99.9 percent sure what I was thinking was what word meant, I wasn't a 100 percent sure. After all, I never actually heard that word before.  We called it something else.

Thankfully, the Lord provided a way out. I said, "That's something you need to talk to your parents about."

The incident taught me some lessons.  One is "what goes around comes around". That kid was just trying to be funny. So was I when I was in 9th grade.  Even though I got a huge laugh and believe it or not, I didn't get into trouble, I regret saying it.  It was cheap and while I didn't intend it to be mean, it was.

Another lesson is sometimes you just have to say as little as possible.  I've found most of the time, I never got into trouble for things I didn't say.

You might have heard about this Covid-19 crisis. It has been in all of the papers.

There's a new show out called "Task Force News Conference" and it stars President Trump.  You know what happens when President Trump gets together with the press. They call him out and he calls them back out and then they call him out again and then he calls them out again. Afterward, he goes on Twitter and calls them out and they Tweet back at him.

You just want to tell both sides to shut up.  Why waste valuable time during a crisis to ask about "Kung Flu"?  Why spend time on a snide remark about Mitt Romney?  Why ask the President how many deaths are acceptable? Why spend time chewing out a reporter?   It seems both sides are tearing themselves down, making themselves look bad. It is damaging the Presidency and it is damaging the Press.

Before I forget, I'm sorry (name redacted).  I was fourteen years old and the prefrontal cortex of my brain was not developed.  I'll do better next time.

The Epizootic Apocalypse

Wow, what a wild week.

But, first a quick contemporary history lesson.

I first learned of the Covid-19 virus ("Coronavirus") the day before we went to New York in January. I heard about it on "The Hugh Hewitt" radio show.  Hugh is a real smart guy and is from Northeast Ohio where the General Motors plants were that my office serviced back in my insurance days. That's not really relevant, but at least when he says "The "Mahoning Valley", I have some idea what he is talking about.

Hewitt and a guest were talking about a new virus that was tearing up China. Yes, I've gone from listening to Gary McKee's Birthday Monster to listening to China virus talk.

A couple of days later, my wife and I were walking through New York's Laguardia airport. I noticed a lot of people wearing surgical masks.

Fast forward to the past couple of weeks.  Covid-19 has practically shut down the United States.  It was like the United States was Georgia and someone on Channel 2 said there was snow in Carrollton.

Things got so bad President Trump had to give an Oval Office address to reassure the country that this wasn't going to be The Epizootic Apocalypse.

President Trump basically gives two different types of speeches.  One, it is like it is New Year's Eve at the Copacabana.  He's cracking jokes, riffing, and saying everything he does is "beautiful".  The second type is like he drank a bottle of Nyquil and he is about ready to slip into a coma.  The speech, because of the serious nature, had to be the second one. I don't think it could have been described as successful.

The next morning the NBA suspended the rest of its season. Soon the NCAA canceled their basketball tournament and all spring sports.  Major League Baseball then canceled spring training and postponed their opening day.

Tom Hanks announced that he has tested positive for the Coronavirus.

Wall Street was in a panic.

Here in Cobb County, the Cobb County School System (which taught me, so blame them) announced all of the kids will take online classes, which I'm sure will work out great for second graders.

Churches announced the services will be held "online", so we can watch it at home like the pagans do. 

As a student of history, I can tell you that America will always rise up and meet a crisis. We did it this time by buying toilet paper in bulk.

I'm not sure who sent the e-mail telling everybody to go and buy toilet paper.  I didn't get it.

We went to Publix, where shopping is a pleasure, this past Friday night.   No meat.  None. Bupkis.

Also, no bread, soup, anti-septic wipes, and of course, toilet paper. On the bright side, they had plenty of fiber cereals on sale.

Saturday morning, we went to The Geriatric Kroger. I call this Kroger that because it seems a lot of older people go there and I always seem to get stuck behind them.

No meat, fruit, or toilet paper, like Publix, but they had plenty of Little Debbies treats, so it wasn't that bad. If you are going to be self-quarantined, Little Debbie is a perfect companion.

I understand the seriousness of the virus. I'm just saying I lived through the Hong Kong Flu, I don't remember this type of response. In fact, I don't remember any event in my youth where we responded to any National Crisis by buying toilet paper.  (Walter Cronkite:  "Today, Americans responded to the death of President Kennedy by flocking in mass to the grocery store and buying all of the toilet paper in stock.  In related news, Sears says it will be mailing out its new catalog next week")

If I can quote something from the early 90s, everybody needs to take a chill pill.  In World War II, you know, "The Big One",  the British went to work and school when they were being bombed by Germany on a daily basis. They came up with signs that said: "Keep Calm And Carry On".

We should do the same thing. Eventually, things will get better. 

They always do.

President Biden, 12/8/41

  
If Joe Biden was President on December 8, 1941


 Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:


Hey! Yesterday, November Twenty-first, Nineteen Dickety Seven. No wait, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in, in, in, er, a very long time from now,  the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Finland.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Portugal, was still in conversation with the government and its mayor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Finger Lakes region.

Indeed, one hour after Polish air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the South African ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply literally stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it literally contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack. What a bunch of malarky.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Wales makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately and literally planned many days or even weeks ago or months or centuries ago. During the intervening time, the Canadian government has literally deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. Come on, man, that ain't right.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost, especially those in the Hawaiian LBTQRSTUV communities. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Odessa, Texas.

Yesterday, the Mexican government also launched an attack against Malaya.  I've been there. Used to go fishing.

Last night, the Brazillian forces attacked Hong Kong.  For your information, Hong Kong Phooey is listed as missing and unaccounted for.

Last night, French forces attacked Guam. Why I don't know?  Jimny Christmas.

Last night, Israeli forces attacked the Philippine Islands. I like the Philippines. I used to go there and threaten the government.

Last night, the Australian forces attacked Wake Island.  Let's face it, Wake is always the sad sister in the ACC behind Dookie, the Tar Heels, and the Dog Pack.

This morning, Antarctica attacked Midway Island.  Funny thing, Midway is Midway between nothing. Their national anthem is Neil Young's "Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere". I'm just joking Midway Island, God love ya.


Japan has (at this point, all the members of the House and Senate stand and applauds), yeah it was Japan than bombed us, whoa, anyway, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.  We say the Japanese are all full of beans and we mean business as soon as we hold some hearings and form a task group or something to see what needs to be done.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. Except shooting, bombing, and that sort of thing. But I'm no pushover, just ask "Corn Pop", this guy that hung out down by the swimming pool in Scranton acting all tough and stuff. Corn Pop was a bad dude. I did a couple of haymakers on him and he was gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday, gone like a soldier in the Civil War, bang, bang

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.  Because, well because, it was bad I tell ya. It was a big (Anglo-Saxon Word) deal.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory. Like the time I led Hickory High to the state basketball championship against the big city school. I had a triple-double.   I was unreal in that game.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again. But, then again, you don't want to be too defensive.

Hostilities exist. Man, it is bad. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, our interests and our women-our beautiful women with their soft supple shoulders and their marvelous smelling hair- are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us, um, so help us, G, oh you know the thing.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Sweden on Sunday, December 7th, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Danish empire. So, knock it off, Denmark.

President Sanders, 12/8/41

If Bernie Sanders was the President of The United States on December 8, 1941, this would be his address to Congress.


Yesterday, Dec. 7, 1941 - a date which saw many of us go to brunch and which saw the millionaires and billionaires counting their stacks of cash- the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan, which has been a marginalized people.

The United States was at "peace" with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still "rapping" with Japan about our issues, which frankly are all our fault.

Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to Secretary of State Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a formal reply to a recent American message. The Secretary of State told me the reply said: "whatever" and it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack or any stuff like that. But, I must express that I was impressed with the Empire of Japan and what they have done with their aerospace industry.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. Hey, Japan, let us know next time! I will apologize for all of our mistakes. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace but let's face it, we're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, unlike Denmark and Sweden.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. So the rest of the world can breathe easier now that we're not trying to force our out of date values on you.  Very many American lives have been lost, especially those in the Trans Community.  Also, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu, but that was reported on Fox News so take it for what its worth.

Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya. I'm not sure where that is.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.

This morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

As you can see, Japan has been a very busy bee.  But we cannot let that take our eye off of the important things like Medicare For All, The Green New Deal, and Free College tuition.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation. Frankly, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves for the racist and bigoted remarks directed towards the Empire of Japan

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that we should forget about the attack and remember our values.

Always remember that we deserved this.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people need to remember it was the billionaires which got us into this mess in the first place.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we need to cut the Empire of Japan some slack.

Hostilities exist. But, we can afford to lose Wake Island. I mean, how many of you have ever been to Wake Island?  I've been to Coney Island, ate a couple of corn dogs. Not my kind of place.

With confidence, I can say we will press on and fight for the important matters at hand like Climate Change. I mean, what's the use in fighting a war if the polar ice caps melt?

I ask that the Congress forget about this attack and would like to welcome Green Day to the podium for a couple of numbers.

Mini Mike

"Two straight elections of grating New Yorkers duking it out for the presidency is the fate we deserve tbqh*  (*To be quite honest)"  ~ Sonny Bunch

There is no way to tell, who is going to win the Democratic Party's nomination for President. At least not yet.  It is easier to tell you who is not going to win it.

I mean, besides Andrew Yang. I'm not sure who Andrew Yang really is, except he's described as an "entrepreneur". He seemed like a nice guy.  I really liked the "Yang Gang' stuff but some of his ideas were kind of goofy, like the UBI (Universal Basic Income) which was a thousand dollars a month for every American over 18 years of age.  I'm not saying a thousand dollars isn't a lot of scratch, but George McGovern tried that in 1972 when a thousand dollars really packed a punch and it didn't move the needle.

No, I'm talking about people like Elizabeth Warren, who, thank God, never took off and never made a connection with the American people.  I agree with Jonah Goldberg who compared Warren with Michael Scott of "The Office" because "they both share an inability to recognize they’re debasing themselves".

President Obama once said that most of the time he believed in his own Bull Corn being the Hope and the Change people wanted The problem with Warren is that she really thinks she is the "One" we've been waiting for. Yes, we've been waiting for someone to actually pretend to be a minority to advance their career. The sooner she slinks back into the background the better we'll be.


I'm talking about former Vice President Joe Biden who is, frankly, a doddering old man. He needs to be in a home, not the White House.

In this election cycle, the talk has been all about "the lanes", i.e. the "Progressive (Almost Communist) Lane" and the "Moderate (Almost Very Liberal) Lane.

In the Progressive Lane, you have Bernie Sanders, who for some reason has really connected with young people who don't know crap about the world but think they do.  Maybe it is all the free stuff he is promising them, like free college.

I don't get "free college". For one thing, everybody is going to have to pay for it. With the system now I have to, theoretically, pay for my own college education. Under Bernie, everybody is going to have to pay for somebody else's junior going to college and writing a paper on the limits of knowledge presented in Herman Melville's Moby Dick.

In the Moderate Lane, you have Pete Buttigieg, who is a mayor of a mid-sized Midwestern city, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.  I know Trump kind of smashed the idea that a person should hold some sort of Big Political job before running for President, but still, being the mayor of South Bend, Indiana does not seem to give the experience one would need to be President of The United States.  If I was going to vote for a mayor, I would vote for Steve "Thunder" Tumlin who is the mayor of my town, Marietta, Georgia.  I'm not sure why his nickname is "Thunder", but I think "President Thunder" has a cool ring to it.

Also in the Moderate Lane is Amy Klobuchar.  She is a Senator from Minnesota and seems like to possibly have some sense, which means she is immediately disqualified to become President. She holds to the predictable Democratic policies, but she doesn't treat Pro-Life people bad and she has appeared on Fox News.  We cannot allow people to have normal conversations with people who have different opinions.

New to the Moderate Lane is former New York mayor Michael "Mike" Bloomberg.  Bloomberg has Eleventy Jillion dollars to his name and is dumping almost all of it into commercials that play on radio and TV every other minute.

Bloomberg has a couple of positives. One, he is actually a successful person that built his own business.  Two,  he was the mayor of the largest city in the country and did a credible job in running it.

The negatives.  He is as old as dirt (78 years old).  It is like he looked at the field and decided it needed another rich elderly man in it.  Also, Democrats generally don't like rich people unless they need money from them.  It seems like he's trying to blow up the "primary process" by buying the nomination. Maybe that is a good thing.  Anything other than what's happened in the last three election cycles will be an improvement.

He may be able to coax some Never Trumpers to his side because he's not as vulgar as the President. However, he's not too keen on the Second Amendment and is way too concerned about how much Co-cola you drink. I just can't see him winning over the Trump Wisconsin voters.

He talks a lot about being "data-driven" and  "results-oriented". I'm not sure how much different that is from Trump, but it is easier to be "results-oriented" when you are the Big Tuna at your own company than dealing with a senator who will still be in office long after you're gone.

Anyway, if you are "results-oriented" wouldn't you think the results of the Trump economy are good? How would Mike make that better?  I don't think he knows.

I would put "Mini Mike" (Trump's new nickname for Bloomberg) as the second most likely Democratic party nominee. I don't see how you can escape the conclusion that Bernie Sanders is the most likely. That's not good for a lot of reasons.

That Was The Week That Was

This past week wore me out.

On Sunday, we had the Super Bowl.  To me, the New Year really begins when The Super Bowl ends. The Chiefs versus the 49ers. The last time the Chiefs won a Super Bowl, I was going to East Valley Elementary School.

It was the Halftime Show which caused the most conversation.  I don't know exactly when the Halftime Show became such a big deal at the Super Bowl. Back when the Chiefs won their first Super Bowl, the Halftime Show was probably Up With People or Al Hirt (he played the trumpet).

This year, the Halftime Show was Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.  Entertainment Weekly called the show "ELECTRIC" while ABC News called it "Jaw-Dropping"

I don't know about all that. I would say it was hyper-sexual with crotch shots, booty shaking, and Lopez, pardon me, "J-Lo", simulating a private act out in public. I'm not a prude but I think we owe Janet Jackson an apology.  What happened at the 2004 Super Bowl was an accident. The 2020 Halftime Show was intentional.

Commercial after commercial told us dumb Americans that WOMEN ARE JUST AS GOOD AS MEN AND ONE DAY THEY WILL BE KICKING FIELD GOALS. Then the Halftime Show comes on and said women can be empowered hoochie-mommas.

Monday, we had the Iowa Democratic Caucus. Nobody really knows how the Caucuses work, especially Iowa Democrats. It ended up being the fuster clucks of all fuster clucks with the supposed Party of Science not knowing how to do math.

The country was spellbound waiting for the results of the Iowa Caucus for most of the week. Well, not really. I half-way expected a phone call telling me I won the Iowa Caucus on the basis of a coin toss performed at Cowpie High School's gymnasium in Dubuque.

It turns out, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg sort of, kind of, might have won the Iowa Caucus. Someone that didn't win was Joe Biden who was supposedly THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD DEFEAT TRUMP.  It is not looking good for Joe, who really needs the help of somebody he used to work for, you know, what's his name?  It starts with a B.

Just putting this out there, but it is a real possibility that the Democrats will either nominate a self-described socialist or a mayor of a mid-sized Midwestern city who would be the first Mr. President with a First Gentleman.

Tuesday saw The President's State of The Union Address.

It was probably President Trump's best performance. None of the ad-libs, tasteless jokes, or general Trump goofiness. He was <gasp> "presidential".

Except at the beginning. When he got to the podium, he didn't shake Speaker Nancy Pelosi's hand.

Well, Pelosi sat behind Trump for the entire speech making her patented Tourette's faces until the end of the speech when she stood up and ripped her copy of the speech as some sort of statement. The statement was: I Am Insane. If she hadn't ripped up the speech, the conversation would have been about how petty Trump was not to shake her hand.  Nancy, Nancy, Nancy. Never wrestle with a pig, you get all muddy and the pig likes it.  Don't believe me?  Ask Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.

Wednesday was Impeachment Vote day.  Surprise, surprise, as Gomer Pyle used to say. Republicans supported somebody from their party.

Except one.  Sen Mitt Romney who if memory serves, was the Republican nominee for President in 2012.  He voted for conviction on one of the counts. Of course, he is now persona-non-grata and the Trumpsters want to run him out of the party because he didn't bow at the altar of Trump.  And, of course, the media and Democrats are calling him a profile in courage when eight years ago they said he didn't pay his taxes and killed people with his Mormon death rays while wearing his freaky underwear.

Thursday was Victory Lap Day. After the State of The Union, I thought Trump just might change when he saw the positive reaction to him acting Presidential instead of like a trousered ape. Wrong.

He opened the day at The National Prayer Breakfast seemingly rejecting Jesus's command to love your enemies. From there, he held a celebration at the White House where he described the Russia Investigation as bull feces. In other words, he acted like Trump.

You either think he's playing 4-D chess or you think he's not playing with a full deck.

The cherry on top of the week was a three-hour Democratic party debate in New Hampshire. Who wouldn't want to end their workweek watching a three-hour political debate?  Not me. I was too tired from the week.

New York Questions And Answers

Yes, my wife and I took another trip to New York City, the city so nice they named it twice. After all, if we can make it there, we can make it anywhere.

As a public service, I have decided to answer questions Southerners have when we go to New York.


Which airport do you fly into?   There are three major airports that service New York City:  LaGuardia (which is as big as Vermont),   Kennedy (which is in Vermont), and Newark (which is gross).

Which airports do y'all usually go to?  We usually go to LaGuardia. It is closer to Manhattan. It also has a Shake Shack.  We flew into Kennedy a few years ago but it seems far away from Manhattan. However, when we flew back home, Gladys Knight was on our plane. Or was that on the midnight train to Georgia?  I get confused, but either way, Gladys looked like a million bucks.

Where do you stay? My wife earns points from various hotel chains so we have stayed in some pretty nice places. However, if you don't have points, you may want to refinance your home to stay a couple of nights.

I heard the hotel rooms are small,  For the money, the rooms are small. However, on this last trip, the room was not bad.

What about bed bugs?   In our five visits to New York, we have never encountered a bed bug. However, I did run into a cockroach in one of our showers that was as large as a refrigerator.

Did you eat any interesting food?  I am not a foodie.  Don't get me wrong, I like food. I just don't go out of my way to eat food I never heard of.  However, we did try a place in Chelsea.  (Chelsea is a New York neighborhood where it is illegal to wear a MAGA hat.)  This place was called Blue Smoke and they served Barbeque  (or BBQ like we write it down here). You may not believe it, the BBQ was very good. I also had a glass of SWEET tea.  If you have been to New York at all, you know the idea of sweet ice tea is a totally foreign concept much like courtesy or walking slow. Blue Smoke served a sweet black tea that had a mint leaf and berries in it. It wasn't bad, especially for beginners. I posted a picture on social media and my Baptist friends thought I was backslidden and drinking a cocktail.

How did you get around?  There are several ways to get around in New York.  One is by Subway. I find the New York Subway System confusing mainly because I'm stupid. Some of the subway cars look okay, some look generally scary. One time we got on a subway, only to be treated to a lecture of the evils of everything, man, by somebody who wanted your full attention, man.  I can do without that.

What about a taxi?  Taking a taxi is certainly another way to get around New York.  Taxi drivers are generally very safe. I make it a point to ask my taxi driver: How many people have you killed today?  If the answer is under five, you have a safe taxi driver. Seriously though, they are hard-working people who are good for a quote, which unfortunately I never get because my eyes are closed until we get to the hotel.  This trip, our taxi driver from the airport was listening to the MSNBC coverage of the Senate Impeachment trial.  Because if there is anything you want to hear on what could be your last minutes on earth is the brilliance of Adam Schiff.

What about Uber/Lyft?  We've never taken Lyft.  Something about their logo bugs me. I know that's a silly reason to not use a service, but it is the only one I've got.  We've used Uber's several times and had a pleasant experience each time. The only semi-negative experience came this trip when one Uber driver told my wife she didn't have a good sense of direction. In New York, this is considered good manners.

Are New Yorkers really rude?  Do dogs really bark?  No, honestly, most New Yorkers I've encountered have been very nice.  They just are direct, which Southerners rarely are because we are taught to hide or mask our opinions with niceties like "bless your heart" (translation: "My God"), "that's all right sugar" ("Lord, you are as dumb as dirt"), and  "thank you very much" ("How in the world did you learn to breathe?")  On this trip, one fellow in Times Square (hint: avoid Times Square as much as possible) got put out with me because I didn't want his "free" rap CD.  I am 60 years old. There's nothing about me that says I listen to rap.  He was even going to sign it. I don't know why.

Did You See Any Broadway Plays?  Yes!  We went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird".  The movie starring Gregory Peck was one of the first movies I remember my parents talking about.  I read the book in junior high school. Well, there's an updated version of it on Broadway.  I know when you hear "updated" you're thinking Atticus Finch is now a transgendered Eskimo with an Hispanic surname. Nope, there were just a couple of tweaks here and there, but it did not take away from the play.  Atticus Finch was played by Ed Harris.  If you don't like Ed Harris, you have hairy thighs and don't love the Lord. Ed Harris, like Robert Duvall, is one of those actors that can guarantee you will at least enjoy a movie even if it isn't that great.  After the play was over, we waited by the stage door to see if we could get a picture taken of him. Security would not let us take a picture, but we had a nice conversation with Ed Harris about the movie "Radio". He also looks at you straight in the eye. He is now my new BFF.

If I Go And See "To Kill A Mockingbird" Will Ed Harris Become My New BFF?   Get your own BFF, I saw him first.