Yes, my wife and I took another trip to New York City, the city so nice they named it twice. After all, if we can make it there, we can make it anywhere.
As a public service, I have decided to answer questions Southerners have when we go to New York.
Which airport do you fly into? There are three major airports that service New York City: LaGuardia (which is as big as Vermont), Kennedy (which is in Vermont), and Newark (which is gross).
Which airports do y'all usually go to? We usually go to LaGuardia. It is closer to Manhattan. It also has a Shake Shack. We flew into Kennedy a few years ago but it seems far away from Manhattan. However, when we flew back home, Gladys Knight was on our plane. Or was that on the midnight train to Georgia? I get confused, but either way, Gladys looked like a million bucks.
Where do you stay? My wife earns points from various hotel chains so we have stayed in some pretty nice places. However, if you don't have points, you may want to refinance your home to stay a couple of nights.
I heard the hotel rooms are small, For the money, the rooms are small. However, on this last trip, the room was not bad.
What about bed bugs? In our five visits to New York, we have never encountered a bed bug. However, I did run into a cockroach in one of our showers that was as large as a refrigerator.
Did you eat any interesting food? I am not a foodie. Don't get me wrong, I like food. I just don't go out of my way to eat food I never heard of. However, we did try a place in Chelsea. (Chelsea is a New York neighborhood where it is illegal to wear a MAGA hat.) This place was called Blue Smoke and they served Barbeque (or BBQ like we write it down here). You may not believe it, the BBQ was very good. I also had a glass of SWEET tea. If you have been to New York at all, you know the idea of sweet ice tea is a totally foreign concept much like courtesy or walking slow. Blue Smoke served a sweet black tea that had a mint leaf and berries in it. It wasn't bad, especially for beginners. I posted a picture on social media and my Baptist friends thought I was backslidden and drinking a cocktail.
How did you get around? There are several ways to get around in New York. One is by Subway. I find the New York Subway System confusing mainly because I'm stupid. Some of the subway cars look okay, some look generally scary. One time we got on a subway, only to be treated to a lecture of the evils of everything, man, by somebody who wanted your full attention, man. I can do without that.
What about a taxi? Taking a taxi is certainly another way to get around New York. Taxi drivers are generally very safe. I make it a point to ask my taxi driver: How many people have you killed today? If the answer is under five, you have a safe taxi driver. Seriously though, they are hard-working people who are good for a quote, which unfortunately I never get because my eyes are closed until we get to the hotel. This trip, our taxi driver from the airport was listening to the MSNBC coverage of the Senate Impeachment trial. Because if there is anything you want to hear on what could be your last minutes on earth is the brilliance of Adam Schiff.
What about Uber/Lyft? We've never taken Lyft. Something about their logo bugs me. I know that's a silly reason to not use a service, but it is the only one I've got. We've used Uber's several times and had a pleasant experience each time. The only semi-negative experience came this trip when one Uber driver told my wife she didn't have a good sense of direction. In New York, this is considered good manners.
Are New Yorkers really rude? Do dogs really bark? No, honestly, most New Yorkers I've encountered have been very nice. They just are direct, which Southerners rarely are because we are taught to hide or mask our opinions with niceties like "bless your heart" (translation: "My God"), "that's all right sugar" ("Lord, you are as dumb as dirt"), and "thank you very much" ("How in the world did you learn to breathe?") On this trip, one fellow in Times Square (hint: avoid Times Square as much as possible) got put out with me because I didn't want his "free" rap CD. I am 60 years old. There's nothing about me that says I listen to rap. He was even going to sign it. I don't know why.
Did You See Any Broadway Plays? Yes! We went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird". The movie starring Gregory Peck was one of the first movies I remember my parents talking about. I read the book in junior high school. Well, there's an updated version of it on Broadway. I know when you hear "updated" you're thinking Atticus Finch is now a transgendered Eskimo with an Hispanic surname. Nope, there were just a couple of tweaks here and there, but it did not take away from the play. Atticus Finch was played by Ed Harris. If you don't like Ed Harris, you have hairy thighs and don't love the Lord. Ed Harris, like Robert Duvall, is one of those actors that can guarantee you will at least enjoy a movie even if it isn't that great. After the play was over, we waited by the stage door to see if we could get a picture taken of him. Security would not let us take a picture, but we had a nice conversation with Ed Harris about the movie "Radio". He also looks at you straight in the eye. He is now my new BFF.
If I Go And See "To Kill A Mockingbird" Will Ed Harris Become My New BFF? Get your own BFF, I saw him first.
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