Welcome To Wheeler

I'm not sure when the "Dog Days of Summer" actually start. But I'm pretty sure they have started.

Summer in Georgia is always hot. It is always muggy. This summer, we have the bonus of air-to-ground lightning storms, usually in the afternoon.

I'm not sure what causes it. All I know is that science is involved, and I checked out of science long ago when I was a student at Wheeler High School in Marietta, Georgia (School Motto: "Where The Leaders of Tomorrow Are Sticking Gum Underneath The Desks Of Today").

Speaking of Wheeler High School, the big news is President Trump will be at Wheeler next week for something.  I think it has to do with his "Trump Accounts," in which parents can open up an IRA for their kid(s) so they can pay for college to earn a degree that they can't get a job with because of AI. 

Therefore, please consider this a primer regarding Wheeler High School to help all of the national media that will descend upon Holt Road this week.

The mascot: The Wildcats. School Colors: Blue and Gold. School Alma Mater:  "We're The Wheeler Wildcats"

Lyrics to "We're The Wheeler Wildcats":  "We're the Wheeler Wildcats you've heard so much about. Mother's hide their daughters whenever we're about.  We fight with knives and forty-fives and broken bottle too. We're the Wheeler Wildcats, who the <insert your favorite bad word> are you?"

Wheeler was named for General Joseph Wheeler, who was a Confederate General and later became a U.S. general in the Spanish-American War, and he is buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Additionally, he was non-binary and used to ride his horse into battle side-saddle. [Editor's note:  There is no record of this in any history book.]

When I went to Wheeler, it was considered one of the best, if not the best, high school in Cobb County. I don't know if that was such a high bar, but it made us feel good. I heard from kids at other high schools that said we were "stuck up" because we could read.

We had a lot of students who were very smart.  They took classes like Calculus, which is the mathematical study of continuous change. I think. To be honest, I never had anyone explain to me what Calculus was except to say it was hard and would go over my head because I didn't understand all of the X= whatever of Algebra. 

Needless to say, the math I took at Wheeler was called "Math".

Back then, it wasn't illegal to smoke cigarettes on Earth.  We had a designated place at Wheeler where "students" (usually the same ones that took "Math" with me) could go and smoke. We called it "The Smoke Hole."

The teachers did not smoke in our "Smoke Hole."  They smoked in something called "The Teacher's Lounge," which also had a Coke machine.  (Editor's Note: in some areas of the country they are referred to as "Soda Machines".)

We had one teacher who would literally stick a cigarette in her mouth the minute the bell dismissing school for the day rang. I guess we kind of stressed her out. 

Another time, a "student" ( a guy my brother knew) fell asleep in class.

Now, kids were falling asleep in class for various reasons back then. Drugs, laziness, too much excitement in Calculus.  I must admit, I fell asleep several times, too, even though I didn't do drugs or Calculus. For some reason, teachers do not like this.

The teacher in this class (who was fairly "cool") went over and shook this guy to wake him up.  He woke up and whopped her pretty good. The force of the whop caused her to hit a bulletin board and enabled him to have some time away from school, if you know what I mean.  

We have some notable alumni.

Brett Butler, who had her own situation comedy called "Grace Under Pressure".  My brother sort of knew her. She also was the center fielder for the Atlanta Braves.

Pam Stone, who was in the situation comedy "Coach", where she played Dauber's girlfriend. Fun fact: the actor who played Dauber is the voice of Patrick Star on "SpongeBob SquarePants".  She (Pam, not SpongeBob) was in my class and wore a lot of T-shirts that had pictures of horses on them.

Bob Tway, another member of my class, played in the PGA and won the PGA Open, defeating Greg Norman. To my knowledge, he has never work on "SpongeBob SquarePants."

Jaylen Brown, a basketball player who played for the Celtics but was traded to the Philadelphia 76ers.

Robert Shaw, a football player who was the Dallas Cowboys' number one pick in 1979. He is the only Wheeler graduate to have his name spoken by Howard Cosell.  If my memory serves, he was a real big guy.
 
Brad Armstrong was a professional wrestler. He was the son of "Bullet Bob Armstrong" and the brother of Scott, who my wife knew. 

 

 

  

Her Retirement

 

 

Two weeks after she graduated from Wheeler High School, Lori got a job.

That was June of 1979.

Jimmy Carter was President.  The average price per gallon for gas was around ninety cents.  The most popular movie was "The Amityville Horror". The radio played songs like "Bad Girls", "Ring My Bell", and "The Logical Song".

Her parents were all for it.  Her mother told her that she would soon marry a boy who would make enough money for her to stay at home and raise the kids.

Oops.

So, while her friends and classmates enjoyed the summer off before starting college, Lori did something else. 

Lori went to work in the front office at a Browning Manufacturing warehouse. Browning (a division of Emerson Electric) made power transmission parts, and Lori's warehouse shipped them out. 

She never stepped foot inside a college classroom.  She never had a term paper due or had to read a book for English Lit. She never had to take an elective. 

She never experienced Sorority rush.  She never pledged. She never went to a mixer. She was never pinned.

Unlike her classmates, Lori didn't have a Christmas break or a summer break because she had a job.

She lived with her parents, her brother, and her sister in a little East Marietta subdivision known as Red Oak Park. 

She was able to save enough to buy a car.  A red Chevette. 

She stayed at that job for over 19 years.

In the meantime, she married me.  She still had the job.

Soon it was Lori and Me and Ben-Ben makes three.

Total time away from work, not including paid time off: 6 weeks after the baby was born. Then Lori went back to work.  That's how they did things back then.

She left that job to become an executive assistant to the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of a building and design firm.  She worked there from 1998 to 2009.

When things were good at the building and design firm, things were really good, like the Christmas parties.  However, there were some bad things.

One day, she got a call from a job site.  An elevator inspector was killed in an accident. 

Another time, an executive she supported was killed in an airplane crash.

Another time, a colleague committed suicide. 

The cherry on top was the owner and the firm being investigated by the FBI  and the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation (MBI). It is a long story. Lori was interviewed by the FBI and MBI simply because she submitted timecards for people working in the field. Lori wasn't in trouble, but she was on the government's subpoena list. The United States of America cut a deal with the owner of the firm before the case went to trial. 
 

Wheeler High School never prepared her for that.

She moved on to a Medical documentation tech firm in 2009. She was the executive assistant to the Owner/CEO. 

That firm was bought by another tech firm, Nuance,  in 2012. Then that firm was bought by another tech firm you might have heard of in 2021.

Microsoft.

She started with a small company she would have to explain to everyone and finished at a company that needed no explanation. 

She always has regretted not going to college. She would always wonder out loud what she would have majored in. While graduating from college is a feather in a cap, it was not a cap Lori needed. 

She has skills they don't teach in college. She worked with a lot of people from different backgrounds and got along with all of them. She worked with doctors, nurses, and construction managers. She worked with building superintendents. She worked with other admins that were older and some that were younger.  She worked with medical school graduates, night school graduates, and Ivy League graduates. 

She would go to the warehouse in the middle of the night to box up and ship a part because some plant was shut down.

She would take a million calls to change flight arrangements. The most memorable one was when she had to arrange a flight for an executive who was in Chicago to take a flight to Birmingham, Alabama due to the death of his mother. At five o'clock on a Friday afternoon.

She would know how to talk to her fellow admins off the ledge when work got a little too much.

For a Southern Baptist, she knew how to celebrate Diwali. 

I told her that quote from Woody Allen: "90% of success in life is just showing up".  I heard her tell her colleagues that during a virtual going-away party.

Lori showed up.

Now, she doesn't have to.  

 

 

The Big Birthday

 

 

 I was around in 1976 when America celebrated its Bicentennial.

It was a big deal. On the CBS Television Network, they would air a "Bicentennial Minute" in which some star like Telly Savalas would tell you something that happened in 1776.

I don't know if CBS does a "Semiquincentennial Minute."  The CBS affiliate in Atlanta is now Channel 69, which seems wrong to me. CBS is supposed to be on Channel 5.  It hasn't been the CBS affiliate since 1994.  Pardon me while I walk outside and shake my fist at the sky.

My point is, if CBS does have a "Semiquincentennial Minute," I haven't seen it.

If they did show a "Semiquincentennial Minute," it would be full of information about how much we suck. Because: history.

As I have said before, I majored in history in college. I did this because I am not very smart.

I know some of you would say, "Oh, I love history, and I would love to study it."  I can tell you that, no, you wouldn't.

At least back when I was in school, the learned professors of history were bound and determined to make history as dull as possible. They did a good job.

The problem is that there is a current view of American History which says America sucks mainly because of white people and white men in particular. 

So now we have a generation of young people who live in the greatest country in world history, with the greatest wealth, with the greatest freedom, with the best cell phones that can take the best pictures and make the best TikToks but wonder out loud what it says about a country that doesn't flock to the movies to see "Supergirl".

But think about it. As President Obama once sniffed, everybody thinks their country is the best. That's the type of insight you get from Harvard graduates.  

We have the best bird, the Bald Eagle.  I don't know how many of you have seen a real live Bald Eagle, but they could beat up every other country's bird. 

 We stretch from sea (the Atlantic) to shining sea (the Pacific).  They don't have that in Europe.  

We knew this couple where the husband was from Germany. His family moved to Boca Raton, Florida. One day, his German grandparents came to town. They had never been to America before. They were asked what they wanted to do.  They said, "Tomorrow we want to go to the beach, and then we think we want to drive out and see the Grand Canyon."

It can be done, but it takes some time.

Sure, our politicians are loco, some more than others. But on the whole, we've been led by good people even when they are Democrats. (Ha, ha. Just a joke.)

But you can at least see the reasoning behind the people who have been elected President. Even people like James Buchanan.   We haven't had a junta or a military coup.

We have more stuff than other countries.  We can buy almost anything we want.

We have endless opportunities for education if we take advantage of them. Especially from Southern New Hampshire University,which doesn't have a good football team. 

We also have Buc-ee's, hallowed be thy name.

We have freedom of speech and the press.

We have freedom of religion. You can belong to First Baptist or Bedside Baptist if you want. 

There are so many things that are great about America that you can shake a stick at.

How come this Semiquincentennial has been kind of meh?

I remember hearing about the Bicentennial back in 1970. The Semiquincentennial snuck up on us, to be frank. 

And, let's be honest, one side doesn't like the idea of the other side being in charge of it. And, honestly, maybe it isn't the best idea to have the Orange Man involved in selecting the entertainment.

But it should be celebrated. We are the best. As Walter Brennan (a great American) used to say, "No brag, just fact"

 

 

  

Dads Day

 

 

Before Bill Cosby was memory-holed, he released a series of awesome comedy records.  This was before "The Cosby Show", Jello Pudding Pops, and, you know, the other thing.

He had a bit (Note:  A bit is a comedy term, meaning something you do in front of an audience to make them laugh) about mothers and fathers and the differences between them.

He said (and this is not a direct quote, but it is close enough), for Mother's Day, you break your back to try to get something for your mother.  For Father's Day, you walk up to your Dad and ask him for some money so you can buy him a pack of cigarettes for Father's Day. Then you smoke half the pack on your way home. 

He went on to say you could take an old piece of wood, carve your initials on it, and give it to her, and she would cry, hug you, and forgive you for everything.

Take that same piece of wood and give it to your dad:  WHAT IS THIS? AN OLD PIECE OF WOOD?

That's pretty much true, especially when I was coming along. Dads were honest and told you what they thought, even if it didn't make a lot of sense.

Dads, back then, believed in the hierarchy. In the hierarchy, they were number one. Mom was number two. The kids were there and were supposed to behave.

My dad had the greatest admonition ever. He would say, "Act like you have some sense."

You didn't have to have sense. You could pretend you have some sense. It was an early version of "fake it till you make it". 

 Speaking of faking until you make it, I went to the all-powerful AI to see what people should give their fathers for Father's Day.

It says, "The most foolproof Father’s Day gifts range from practical everyday gear to experiential treats."  The examples they give are Apple AirPods Pro 3, outdoor accessories like a multitool from Leatherman, or a curated food box from GourmetGiftBaskets.com.

Apple AirPods Pro range anywhere from $54.00 to almost $300.00. 

I've never heard of Leatherman, but their all of their items look like a Swiss Army Knife that knows somebody.  They definitely looks cool, and what Dad would not want to whip out a "Surge" ($159.00 US) to impress his goofy friends at the cookout?

The items at Gourmet Gift Baskets are more affordable, but you run the risk of all the other dads making fun of him at the cookout.

I don't know how "practical" and "experiential" all these gifts would be.  The whole point is that you really need to spend some money on Dear Old Dad, for once in your life. 

 AI also suggests "a thoughtful handwritten card alongside a gift card to his favorite store is always a winner."  By the way, this is also the cheapest gift.

"How was your Father's Day, Pete?"

"Just great-I got a thoughtful handwritten card with a gift card." 

"Me too!"

(Both belch.)

I have some ideas the some adult kids can give their dads.

Stop with the boozing and settle down. Nobody wants to see your Star Wars collection.  Nobody cares how many concerts you went to see last week. 

Settle down and get married. Have kids. 

Mow the yard. 

Learn to use an edger.  I didn't until I was in my forties. I am still ashamed of myself

Decide on the great controversy of our day: charcoal or propane?  For some reason, men are required to cook outdoors. 

Learn how to shake hands. This is very important. I know this is hard, particularly when you are short like I am, but you got to give the effort.

Learn to shave. Please.

Finally, act like you have some sense.  

Preachers In Skirts

 

 

"Oh, the little lady preacher from the Limestone church

I'll never forget her, I guess.

She preached each Sunday morning on the local radio

With a big black Bible and a snow-white dress. ~ Tom T. Hall

 

 

 

Every summer around this time, the national news media reports on the annual Southern Baptist Convention meeting.

 

Any good Southern Baptist should (and will) tell you that the Southern Baptist Convention exists only when the Southern Baptist Convention is convened.  The rest of the year, it is a bunch of cooperating churches that send their monies to the Cooperative Program, which supports missions, colleges, et. al. In other words, each church is independent. Don't make me explain it again.

 

Southern Baptists are not a creedal people. They don't repeat The Apostle's Creed every Sunday morning.  They repeat college football scores in the Fall.

So, all Southern Baptists don't (watch this next word) necessarily believe everything other Southern Baptists say they believe.  

 

One time, and this is the truth, I was in a Southern Baptist church, and the preacher was preaching against reincarnation.   A man stood up and said, "YOU ARE WRONG," and walked out of the service.  It turned out that this gentleman had been a member of this church for quite some time. I've never met a Southern Baptist who believed in reincarnation before. 

 

 

However, Southern Baptists have something called "The Baptist Faith and Message," which lists the doctrines Southern Baptists believe.  To be in good with other Southern Baptist churches, churches must follow "The Baptist Faith and Message," or they can be kicked out of the "fellowship" of Southern Baptist churches. They write it in bold letters so nobody is mistaken. 

 

Every so often, they try to "update"  this "confessional." They want to make it appeal to as many people as possible while trying to be as Biblical (this is a big word in Baptist circles) as possible.

Therefore, when the Baptist Faith And Message is updated, it must come before the entire convention for a vote. 

 

This year, in the Convention, the issue of the day was women pastors.

This, my friends, is a tertiary matter. By that I mean, there are issues which are essential the Christian faith. For example: God.  It is essential for a Christian to believe that there is a God.  It is also essential to believe in God to be a Baptist. I know that is real dogmatic. 

 

Then there are matters which are secondary to faith.  Example: Baptism.  All Christian denominations (that I know anything about) believe in some form of Baptism. Some believe in Infant Baptism. Some believe in pouring. Baptists believe in "Believers'  Baptism" in which people above the "age of accountability" are baptized by immersion (or drowning).  We wouldn't say our Presbyterian friends were not Christians.  They are just not Baptists. 

 

Women in the pulpit is tertiary because there are compelling arguments on both sides of the issue. Really. I know people don't like nuance, but you could make a case for Women pastors. For example, throughout scripture, God utilized female leaders, such as the prophet Deborah, Phoebe (a deacon), and Priscilla (who taught the minister Apollos).  Also, Inez Manis was a deacon in the Disciples of Christ church we went to when I was a child, so that's my momma you're talking about. (As a side note, I don't think Mom ever preached although it would have been on never joining the Columbia Record Club.)

 

On the other side, when the Bible talks about offices in the church, it refers to males holding those offices. It just does.  (Note:  I know this isn't very intellectual or deep.)  

 

Both sides have their irrelevant parts to their arguments.  On one side, there's talk about misogyny, "the old boy's network" and the issue with Pastors not keeping their grubby hands off of the female members of the church.  Also, apparently, the nasty old conservative boys ran Beth Moore out of the convention.*

 

On the other side, it has been noted that denominations that have female pastors are generally liberal and before you know it, the Southern Baptist Convention will have kids carrying the Rainbow flag at the start of Vacation Bible School if we start allowing female pastors.**

 

Here's my conclusion.  I'm with you fellers.

 

I that sounds "beta",  but I'm ready to do anything that will shut down all of the Facebook posts that are TL/DR (too long didn't read).

 

I just wouldn't feel comfortable attending a church that has a woman pastor. That's just me. I've been exposed to several lady preachers from various denominations and I wasn't impressed. Maybe I'm capture 

by toxic masculinity.

 

Or maybe, just maybe, I think it is something that is more influenced by contemporary culture than anything else. This current, unspoken misandrist philosophy that men are just a bunch of apes wearing cargo pants and the gals just have to tame them.

 

By the way, I remember a conversation my mom had with her friend, Sarah.  Sarah was a Presbyterian and one of the smartest people I've met. 

 

Sarah: "We've got a new pastor."

 

Mom:  "Oh, yeah?"

 

Sarah: "She's a skirt. She's real smart."

 

Both took a long drag from a cigarette and then laughed.

 

 

*Beth Moore is a popular Christian writer who spoke at a lot of ladies conferences.  People, especially the ladies, adore her.  Well, one of her books had something in it that another preacher (not a Southern Baptist, by the way) said something wasn't Biblical and the Twitter crowd hounded her out of the denomination. 

 

**The biggest weakness I see from the Egalitarian side is they pretend there is no such thing as Progressive/Liberal/mainstream theology.  

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

We Are Old

 

 

 

There's a new show on Netflix called "The Boroughs." The internet says, "The Boroughs unfolds in a seemingly idyllic New Mexico retirement community where a grieving newcomer joins a group of misfit seniors to confront an otherworldly threat intent on stealing the one thing they have least—time."

 

A better way to describe it is to call it "Old Fart Stranger Things."

 

The Duffer Brothers are the "Executive Producers" of "The Boroughs," which leads to this question: Are they paid by separate checks, or do they both have to endorse one check?

 

Having The Duffer Brothers involved means the soundtrack to the show sounds a lot like "Stranger Things". (Think: "Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee") There's also a lot of what Ludlow Porch would call "Booger Stuff"-monsters, etc.

 

We're not done watching it yet, but it seems like a good show. The cast is pretty good. One problem: Geena Davis, who is the hawt old lady, speaks like her mouth is wired shut.  Has she always spoken like that, or was I always just slobbering over her not to notice?

 

There's a side issue of where the main character's daughter wants the main character's copy of "Born To Run".  It was 50 years ago this year that Bruce Springsteen somehow made the covers of Time and Newsweek, and you could not believe what a big deal it was at the time. 

 

 [Note to younger readers: Time and Newsweek were "news magazine" and their purpose (besides giving Richard Nixon a headache) was to review the news of the past week or to spot new trends in popular culture.]

 

 [Another note to younger readers: "Born To Run" was a good album, and Springsteen wasn't in his prophet mode yet.]

 

 [Another another note to younger readers:  I was attending Wheeler High School (School Motto: "Where The Gum Bought Yesterday Is Chewed And Placed Under The Desks Today By The Leaders Of Tomorrow") in 1975, and I promised you nobody in my class had a copy of that album until 1981.]

But one of the things that struck me about "The Boroughs" is that it is about people my age dealing with what people my age deal with.

 

The actual "Borough" is like "The Villages" in Florida, and if you have been paying attention, it is where Peepaw and Meemaw go to shake their groove thang. 

And each character in the show is dealing with their own stuff. One guy is still tomcatting around. Another is an old hippie. One has cancer. Just like my crew.

 

A few months ago, we went to a funeral of a girl I've known since I was fourteen. Someone said, "You know, we are going to be going to more of these."  Geez, don't remind me.

But that's life. One minute, you are graduating from high school.  Then college. Then you are going to weddings. Then the babies come. Then you are going to the kids' parties. Then you go to the weddings of the kids. Then to the birth of your grandkids.  You look in the mirror, and you see gray hair. Or no hair.

 

 You find yourself explaining your history to younger people like you are Abe Simpson:  "I wore an onion on my belt which was the style at the time."

You find yourself wanting to be hip and young. The problem: you are not hip and young. You are wise and experienced. That means you are old.

 

 Abe Simpson also said, "I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me and it'll happen to you, too."

 

You are so right, Abe.  

 

 

 

Return To Office

 

 

As you all know by now, I have been retired for almost two years.  As we say in church, it has been glorious.

I have been in ZERO meetings. I have not answered a single email.  I have not written any goals for the next fiscal year. I have done nothing. 

This song from "Bob's Burgers" describes my feelings about being retired. 

Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happy.
Doing something is what I avoid.
I adore diddly-squat
It thrills me a lot
And nothing never gets me annoyed

Nothing, nothing, nothing makеs me happy
Nothing brings me nothing but joy
So if you haven't tried nada
I really think you oughta
'Cause all play and no work make me 
a big old sexy boy. 

 

However, I know that some of you are still employed, and many of you work from home.  I worked from home for six years, and it was almost as good as retirement. Except for that work part. 

My wife has been working from home since the Pandemic. But her company (a large tech firm that rhymes with "Sicromoft") has started a program of bringing its employees back to the office. 

Now let's look at the pros and cons for employers bringing employees back to the office to work. 

The Pros of returning to the office from the employer's point of view.  

• Spontaneous team collaboration.  Yeah, when I was in the workforce and at the office, spontaneous team collaboration usually took the form of gossip.

• Direct performance management. It is easier to tell people to "shut up and get back to work" when you can see them.

• Stronger organizational culture. The employees can see who else is miserable in the company. 

• Simplified IT and data security. This one is actually right because when you have an IT problem working from home, you have to "call" an IT service center, which is in another country ("My name is Bob and I just happen to sound like a woman"). But at the office, they usually have Bob, or Nathan, or Rex, or Amber, or Cherise, or a million more young people who were born when Clinton was President to come work on your computer.

 

The Cons For Employers

 

• Risk of losing high-performing talent. People would rather work at home than have to drive into the office.

• Breakroom. Have to provide a snack machine and a soft drink machine to the ingrates. Plus table and chairs.

• Free coffee! It costs money, and everybody has coffee breath.

• Lower employee engagement/morale. Your dumb-butt employees are depressed that they are still being punished for not doing their homework in ninth grade.

• Expensive real estate overhead. This also includes desks, computers, pens, and sticky notes, which I had one boss tell me were not cost-effective.

• Smaller, localized recruitment pool. This means local goobers that are not smart enough to hail a cab in Mid-Town Manhattan.  I've had two different bosses in two different companies tell two different departments that I worked in that they could find people to replace us at the bus stop.

 

 The Pros of Returning to the Office for Employees.

• Better Networking.  You can kiss up in person with more success. 

• Defined Boundaries.  My wife can confirm that when I left the office for the day, I was done with work. I brought no work home because I didn't have a computer or a sticky pad, for that matter.

• Fewer Digital Loops.  Fewer emails and more direct conversations with your boss.  Wait, this is supposed to be a positive.

• Social Connections.  You actually know what your coworkers look like. 

• Radio Habits.  You get to listen to FM Morning Wake Up Zoo Crew on WTRD (The Turd) with Jerry, Jeff, Walker the Texas Ranger on Sports, and Lovey Dovey with the news on the drive in to work. 

• Food.  People bring everything to the office. Donuts, candy after Halloween, Pizza if you meet a "goal", and hash browns if someone doesn't like it in their breakfast combo. One guy at my wife's office would bring in a loaf of bread and put it in the breakroom at the beginning of the workday and every single slice of bread was gone by lunch. 

 

 The Cons for Employees

• Financial Drain: You spend money on gas, your clothes (current office dress codes can range from professional attire to business casual to Saturday at Walmart), and lunch, which should be planned for as soon as you sit at your desk.

• Time:  You lose a lot of time. You get up earlier, you go to bed earlier, and the days blend in together. Plus, you can never stay up late to watch any championship game because they all start about the time you have to go to bed. Plus, you have to figure out some time to go to the bathroom.

• Other parts of life: you have to constantly use your PTO for doctor's appointments, to get the oil changed in your car, or the million and one things you have to do for your kid.

• Sensory Overload:  It is hard to concentrate on your work or that podcast you like with all of the noise in the office.

 

So, cheer up office staff! Soon you can meet all of your old pals that haven't taken an early retirement package.  I'll be watching from home.  

 

 

Hello, Graduates

 

 

If I gave a commencement address.

Hello, graduates. 

At long last, this institution, which prides itself on preparing young people for the future, insists that you listen to at least one more boring, irrelevant lecture from someone who you would say is "some old flatulence."  You say this because you have borrowed a lot of money to attend this university, and you need to use big words. 

You live in challenging times. La-te-fricken' da.  Everybody has lived through challenging times.

You think having Boomer or GenX parents was rough.  Try having parents who survived The Great Depression, only to have World War II (that's Two, not Eleven, as one member of Congress recently said) start.

When Grandpa got home from the War, he and Meemaw went at it like two spotted apes, quickly having babies. These babies grew up to be the most privileged snots ever in the history of man, until, well, y'all showed up.

These guys didn't want to serve in the Army. They wanted to grow their hair out to make room for their brains. It didn't work.

They changed popular culture. Unfortunately, they also created Disco music, for which I am ashamed. 

Yes, we are handing it off to you. But first, a couple of things.

One, please, for the love of everything holy, stop wearing those awful nose rings that look like you are having a metal runny nose. I always want to hand out a Kleenex when I see one.

Two, just stop. Stop with all the finger wagging, all the hectoring, all the pulling new words out of your butt. Stop with all of the lectures. Stop with all of the shaming. Stop with all of the contrary opinions just because you want to be contrary.

Recently, a movie called " Michael " came out, and it was about the entertainer Michael Jackson.  This class has no idea what a big deal Michael Jackson was. He made Taylor Swift seem like a complete unknown.  He was huge.  He could sing. He could dance. He could only wear one glove and not have to explain it. 

However, there were parts of Michael Jackson's life which were, as you kids say, problematic. The movie doesn't address this. It addresses the Pepsi commercial in which his hair caught on fire. 

On my Facebook feed, if I saw one OMG THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD comment, I saw ten. I didn't comment on the posts.  I just scrolled past the posts.  If someone wants to idolize Mr. Jackson, that's between them and Jesus. 

As far as the job market goes, good luck. Sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.  I graduated with a liberal arts degree from a small Southern school and somehow found a job, married my wife, had a child, and bought a house. It is possible. 

I wouldn't recommend my route to anyone. But, and this is important. It worked out because I learned a simple rule.  Show up.

It is important to show up to work. Woody Allen said 90 percent of success is just showing up. That's true.

Also, believe me, this is true: Set aside money in a 401k. Especially if the company you work for matches it.

Finally, remember that the days drag on, but time flies by.  You'll look around, and your kid will be getting married, and they'll start having babies, and those babies will insist you watch a show with them called "Lucas The Spider" (and I am not making this up).

You will notice gray in your hair.  It becomes harder to get up out of a chair. You'll look back on today as "the good old days". 

So get out there and get a job.  Some of us are on Medicare and Social Security. We are counting on you!

 

About Some 70s Music

 

 

 I hate to tell you that my 50th high school class reunion is coming up next year.

Yes, I and some other Wheeler "Wildcats" are planning a gala 50-year reunion. 

You may remember, in 2017, we celebrated our 40th high school reunion and yours truly was the Grand Host. I told a couple of jokes and introduced The Grammar Hammer himself, Roger Hines, who spoke to us about the importance of split infinitives. Or gerunds. Something like that. All I know it was a long time ago and I didn't study for the test. 

So, I have been thinking about the 70s a lot.  

As a person who majored in history, and yes, somehow managed to find a job, I think the 70s can be defined as the era when hit records, even though they "sounded" good, were actually strange.

I think you can determine if someone is eligible for Medicare by simply walking up to them and say: THE SIGN SAYS YOU GOT TO HAVE A MEMBERSHIP CARD TO GET INSIDE.  If they grunt ("HUH"), then you know they are somewhere in their sixties. 

This is a lyric from the song "Signs" by The Five Man Electrical Band. Upon hearing this song, for the first five thousand times on WFOM-1230, you think it is about "signs" and how they are "breaking my mind," and that is not a good thing. 

However, somewhere in my adulthood, I realized the song "Signs" is about a guy who wants to argue with people. 

The song begins, "The sign said long-haired freaky people need not apply".  The singer put his hair up under his hat and went in to talk to the owner of the business who needed help. This guy was so brilliant that the owner decided to hire him on the spot. The singer took off his hat to show up the owner THAT YES, A LONG HAIRED FREAKY PERSON CAN BE IMPRESSIVE.

This tells me a couple of things. One, the singer is unemployed. Two, the most he would do to get a job is to stick his hair up under his hat. 

The song continues:

And the sign said
"Anybody caught trespassin'
Will be shot on sight"
So I jumped on the fence and I yelled at the house
"Hey! What gives you the right
To put up a fence to keep me out
But to keep Mother Nature in?
If God was here, he'd tell you to your face
'Man, you're some kind of sinner'"

 

I don't know what gave him the right.  The deed of property?  Just a thought.

My Baptist background would add that God would tell him that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, even long-haired freaky people.

I like the idea of this guy sitting on a fence just yelling at the property owners.  They are in their house, watching a ball game or something. Husband says to the wife: "You hear anything?"  The wife says, "Yeah, just another long-haired  freaky person."

There was another song by the ultimate White person's band, Bread.  Bread was actually a bunch of studio musicians who would get together and cut an album.  The head Bread guy was David Gates, who would write these really sappy love songs.

Like "Baby, I'm A Want You".  I need Roger Hines to tell me if this is a grammatically correct sentence. It don't think it is. I'm always wary of songs that put in a superfluous letter A, like "The Times They Are A-Changin'".  Look Bob, just say the times are changing.

Their most hilarious song is "Diary".

 "I found her diary underneath a tree
And started reading about me."

How many times have you run across a book, picked it up and started reading it ("It was the best of times, it was the worst of times") and think, "Hey this is about me!"

It continues.

"When she <was>confronted with the writing there
Simply pretended not to care."

Actually, her reaction was, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING MY DIARY YOU KNUCKLEHEAD."

Then he learns the sad truth.

"The love she'd waited for
Was someone else, not me."

That'll teach him to read someone's diary without their permission. 

My friend, Terry McCoy, who is a songwriter in his spare time, commented on my Facebook page about this song, "I’ve always thought it was weird that anyone would write down their deepest, honest thoughts about everything. What good can come from that?"

I'll tell you, Terry. Nothing good could can come from that. But, at least it's not a sign. 

 

 

 

 

"The Madison": A Review

 

 

As you know, this blog has a regular feature called "Like It or Lump It" in which I review various streaming shows and advise if the show is worth watching. 

I've decided to review another show from the Taylor Sheridan TV factory, "The Madison." However, I'm going to leave it to you if you want to watch it or not.

One reason for this is that "The Madison" is a well-made TV show.  It has that Montana (or Utah, standing in for Montana) background which is just awesome.  The rest of the show has some problems.

First, you have to know that THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. You can't review this show without revealing a major event that drives the narrative of the show.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Kurt Russell play a happily married, rich couple who have two adult nitwit daughters and live in New York City.  Russell became rich from one of those jobs in which money rolls in, just because he (in the words of my wife) is "still fine".  

Evidently, Russell is originally from out west because he spends a couple of weeks at a little compound he and his brother own somewhere in Montana so they can fish together and drink booze. 

Michelle never goes on these outings because she is, and this is a direct quote, "a city mouse."  I have never heard anyone use this phrase in my life, and I'm old.

Russell and his brother fly fish, which Vice President Cheney used to do.  I don't get the appeal of fly fishing but my theory is it is a new hobby of Taylor Sheridan just like that hobby of the sliding horses in "Yellowstone." 

Well, Russell and his brother decided to fish at this river, which is just stocked full of fish. They fly over to this river in his brother's airplane, which is just a little prop plane. A storm comes up, and instead of just waiting out the storm, Russell and his brother head back in the little plane.  From there, they are bounced around in the plane, and the plane hits an inconveniently placed mountain.

Michelle is eating at a fancy-smancy New York restaurant, the kind where you see more plate than food, when she receives a phone call from Montana stating Kurt and the brother have been killed in a plane crash.  Montana never calls just to chat. 

Michelle proceeds straight into I'M GOING TO WIN AN EMMY FOR THIS IF THIS IS THE LAST THING I DO mode and begins to caterwaul. She leaves the restaurant to gather the girls to go to Montana.

The youngest nitwit daughter is married to a beta guy who works at Vandelay Industries and is an importer-exporter.  She got mugged early in the episode mainly to show how dangerous it is to be a city mouse.

The oldest nitwit daughter is a divorcee with two daughters who go to The Woke Private School and learn how to scold people for using the wrong words because that promotes equity.

Well, Michelle, the daughters, granddaughters, and son-in-law all travel to Montana to pick up Kirk Russell's body. When they land in Montana, "The Madison" flips to television's favorite trope: the fish out of water.

Despite the incredible cinematography and the big-time star power, "The Madison" is a melodramatic version of "Green Acres", except with more f-bombs. ("Oh, Ollie-vah, I made your breakfast."  "Mr. Douglas, that is one big mother <bad word> pancake.")

Michelle and gang would make a sailor blush with all of the swearing. It is almost non-stop, and I guess you could argue that the tragedy makes everybody lash out, but it makes Michelle the most non-sympathetic widow in the history of mankind. She is always cussing out somebody about something, usually for no reason except Kurt is gone and I feel bad, boo-hoo.

It is sort of like if there was a sequel to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On Death And Dying", called "The Stages of Grief".

Stage One: Catawaulling

Stage Two: Swearing.

One thing about a Taylor Sheridan project is that he tries to own the libs in his shows.  A lot of people (not me) object to this.  I don't object because I lived in the era of the Norman Lear comedies in which somebody, usually Archie Bunker, would say something bigoted or mean, and Rob Reiner would roll his eyes and give a speech proving Arch was full of beans.

Sheridan does spend a lot of time showing what a good salt of the earth people the Montana folk are and Michelle and company are not because they are a bunch of snots. 

But I think the real problem is that while the show is wallowing in grief, nobody ever really addresses this question:  If this man was her soul-mate for lo these many years, how come she never visited the compound before his death?  It looks like she would have been there at least once, if not to prepare everybody for the outhouse.

I know there's a lot of waves of emotion when a loved one dies, but Michelle's performance of walking into a river with her fancy clothes and sleeping by the gravesite seems just a little bit....too much. 

Violence:  None, except for a plane crashing into a mountain.   The one good thing the nitwit youngest daughter did was bust some Gen Z young lady in the chops after that lady celebrated the death of another rich white man. That was pretty sweet. 

Sex:  There's a lot of talk about between Beta Son-in-law and the nitwit youngest daughter about possible doing the South Carolina Lovey-Dovey, but then she gets mad at him for something stupid.

Nudity:  The youngest daughter is stung on her heiney by wasps that had a nest in the outhouse and you see the nekkid wasp stung bottom. (I saw Nekkid Wasp Stung Bottom open for Toad The Wet Sprocket.)

Language: Pretty bad.

"The Madison" has been renewed for a second season, which means Michelle will be able to express her grief in loud wails and cuss words just like a city mouse.

 

 

40

 

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary.

It is really strange because in the past, couples who celebrated their 40th anniversary were always old people.  My wife and I are still spring chickens, which is not unusual for our peer group.  Most of the people we know insist that they are young whippersnappers who just happen to go to bed at nine o'clock.

Anyway, when we married, Ronald Reagan was President.  Donald Trump was still married to his first wife, I think.  

Televisions were big and heavy. Our first "big" purchase as a couple was a VCR.  Somehow, we managed to hook it up without coming to blows.

We lived in an apartment complex. The complex is still there.

I've been thinking about marriage lately and how some make it to forty years and some don't. 

One guy I enjoy reading is James Lileks, formerly of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

Lileks is exactly one year older than me and was the Lewis Grizzard/Dave Barry of Minneapolis.  Great writer. Posts a five-day week blog called "The Bleat".

Well, Lileks, to be blunt, isn't quite as woke (and I know that makes me sound like the guy at the loading dock who only watches FOX News) as people who want to control public discourse in Minneapolis expect.  He wrote a joke (a joke!) in a humor column (the nerve!) and had his column yanked away.  He was placed on the fast-paced Twin Cities Architecture beat.  He eventually took a buyout. 

He is getting a divorce from his wife. They were married a year or two after us.  They share a grown daughter.  He writes about the breakup in "The Bleat". Some of it is heartbreaking.

There's a lot of speculation, in the comments section of the blog, but really, there's no way to know. Just two people who are going their own way. 

Roger Miller had an old country song that said it best regarding husbands and wives. "Some can and some can't."

My secret?  I talk to my wife, and if she doesn't want to do something, we don't do it.  It is as simple as that.  If she wants to do something and I don't, well, we do it anyway. I have no strong opinion about a lot of things, like movies, where to eat, and whether we need to go to the grocery store. 

Just decide which hill you want to die on. For example, if my wife wanted to rob a bank, I would argue with her. 

Secondly, I would advise all couples to decide who is going to handle the finances. Make a budget. Try to keep it.  My mother told me that marriages either fail in the bedroom or the bank book.  That's pretty much true.

One thing I would caution young people on: everybody wants the Instagram pictures and all that. That's great, but marriage is not just the wedding. A marriage is something you have to work at. That means talking and listening. It means giving and taking. 

It also helps if you marry a wonderful person, as I did. 

 

 

Insulting Compliments

 

 

We have learned this week that the greatest insult you can give a person is to compliment them. 

Howie Mandel was on "Live With Kelly and Mark or Ryan or Michael but Not Regis Because Regis is In the Great Big Studio In The Sky" and Kelly, of all people, got sideways with Howie.

First of all, I've always liked Howie Mandel, going back to the time he was on TV putting surgical gloves on his head and blowing it up. (The gloves, not his head.)

He was on this medical drama called "St. Elsewhere," where he played a wacky doctor. (Footnote: "St. Elsewhere" was the show that started Denzel Washington who is 71 and looks great for his age on his path to stardom.  The show's finale revealed that it was the entire show a dream of an autistic child.)

He's a very funny man and does a bit about the digital prostate check exam that will leave you needing Depends.

Also, my wife and I were in the audience of "Live With Kelly And Ryan" a few years ago.  Fun fact: Ryan Seacrist was a disc jockey at WSTR ("Star 94"), here in Atlanta in the nineties. I would like to say I listened to his show and knew that young man was going to go far, but I have no memory of listening to him.

The key to being in the audience for "Live" is two-fold:  1) Can you get up early in the morning, and 2) Can you wait in line at WABC?

The big star for our show was Tom Selleck.  We had really good seats, and I was able to observe Mr. Selleck, and I came to two conclusions.

One, Mr. Selleck is physically a large man.  No wonder the gals like him.

Two,  it was early in the morning for Mr. Selleck, too, and it seemed he would rather be somewhere else. I don't blame him.

The "Mark" on "Live With Kelly and Mark" is Mark Consuelos, who is married to Kelly. It is a good gig if you can get it.  He seems like a guy who was so doggone good-looking that you had to give him a job.

He married Kelly when they both worked on a soap opera together, and they don't appear to be a husband and wife Phil Donahue tag-team out to get the celebrities.

Here's what happened. Howie is introduced. Hubs told Howie, "You just celebrated 70 years. You’re 70 years old." Wifey said that “it doesn’t make any sense” to her because Mandel “looks great.”

Howie said, “I look great? That doesn’t mean anything to me. No, no, no, no. I don’t like that, because that’s a caveat." He goes on to say,  “It’s like saying you’re smart for a stupid person.”

No, it doesn't. 

Howie is trying to say this compliment is like, "hey, you don't sweat much for a fat girl." It is simply not a backhanded compliment like one I got, saying, "You don't act like a short person."  People have their minds on how short people have acted around them.  I guess I never got the book telling me how to act.

Sara Moniuszko writes in USA Today, Chloe Bean, "a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma, says this comment can activate shame because it reinforces the message that aging is something to apologize for or avoid."

"Even when it's intended to be flattering, 'you look good for your age' can land as an insult because it suggests a pressure to keep looking different than the age you are,' Bean said, which can reinforce the idea that your value is being measured by your appearance."

 First of all, intentions do matter.  You can't get all snippy with someone because they activated your shame gland.  Secondly, Howie Mandel has never been valued for his appearance. He was valued for being one of the funniest men on the planet. 

Mandel is four years older than I am.  I'm not a person who gets a lot of compliments, but I am complimented for not looking sixty-six years old. The only reason for that is that I have all my hair, and the hair I have is not gray.  Well, I do have some gray hair, but my wife says it is, and I quote, "kind of sexy".  

After being near-sighted, big-eared, short, and little tubby, the Lord said, "Ah, let him keep his hair and hair color."

Ms. Moniuszko's article gives us some tips on talking to people who look good for their age, so you don't hurt their pumpkin feeling by telling them they look good for their age. 

Chloe Bean, who I remind you is a  licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma, gives some alternatives such as: "It's always so great to see you," "You have such great energy," and "I always look forward to our conversations about how you don't look your age while I look like Gollum."

By the way, I did watch the clip of Howie, Kelly, and Mark. I didn't think it was all that bad, but I understand Kelly is banning Howie from the show for not acting his age. 

(Note: As I was posting his, Howie posted an apology to Kelly and said he does look good for his age. Thanks a lot, Howie.)

 

 

This Is CNN

 

 

"Two Pennsylvania teenagers crossed into New York City Saturday morning for what could’ve been a normal day enjoying the city during abnormally warm weather. But in less than an hour, their lives would drastically change as the pair would be arrested for throwing homemade bombs during an anti-Muslim protest outside of Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s home". 

The above was the first paragraph in the CNN.com report on the two young men who threw homemade bombs outside the home of New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani.

Many have criticized the post as being little too nice to two individuals who wanted to blow up people. Kids will be kids. 

 I took it upon myself to look up other CNN reports in their archives regarding past events.

*"James Wilkes Booth was a well-regarded actor dropped by Ford's Theater just to check up on some old friends. But, wouldn't you know it, his friends were performing in the hit play, "Our American Cousin",  and President Lincoln was in his balcony seat. Booth had bought a new pistol and thought the President would be interested in seeing it. Ooopsie-doodle, the gun went off and Booth had to jump from the balcony to the stage. Upon landing on the stage, Booth broke his leg and yelled to the crowd, "Sic Simper Tyrannis". This reporter took Latin in school and this means "My tyrannis is sick with the simpers."

 

*"Gavrilo Princip was a Serbian nationalist student who always wanted to start a World War that no one would understand.  Gavrilo did not make good grades in school, mainly because he didn't know how to spell his name.  But wouldn't you know it, Archduke Franz Ferndinad and his lovely wife, Sophie, came driving by and Gavrilo thought this would be a good time to start a World War because Franz Ferdinand was not only the heir to the Austria-Hungry throne but also a band that played songs like "Darts of Pleasure”, “Walk Away”, and “Ulysses”.  So Gavrilo shot both of them. This has started the World War Gavrilo wanted although we're still not sure we understand why. 

 

 * "On December 7, 1941, Mitsuo Fuchida was flying around with a couple of friends when he decided they should fly to the Hawaiian Islands just for giggles. The planes Mitsuo and his friends were flying felt weighted down by all of the bombs they were carrying.  When they saw Pearl Harbor, Mitsuo sent a coded message "To, To, To" which meant "Everybody have fun tonight,"  and the young pilots dropped their bombs on the US Naval Battleships, which just happened to be in the harbor.  Then Mitsuo sent another coded message:  "Tora, Tora, Tora," which meant "Everybody Wang Chung tonight."  This led to more bombing and caused Ben Affleck and Josh Harnett to get involved by chasing them in the only two airplanes that were not damaged from the "raid". Upon hearing the news, President Jon Voight to stood up."

 

* "On Friday morning, Lee Harvey Oswald caught a ride to work with his friend, Buell Frasier,  with a paper package of curtain rods.  Oswald went up into his work area on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository, taking his curtain rods with him.  He set up a little area of boxes of books stacked on top of each other, so he could study the curtain rods. These were fancy curtain rods and everybody was always telling him how to hang the curtain rods like they were some kind of expert. When he opened the package, he was in for a surprise.  Oswald didn't pick up his curtain rods. He picked up his Carcano rifle that he totally, by accident, shot in the vicinity of General Edwin Walker. Oswald decided to shoot the rifle, three times out the window.  Talk about all of the dumb luck. The President of The United States just happen to riding by in an open convertible."

 

* "In the early morning of August 9, 1969, Tex Watson, Susan Atkins, Patricia Krewinkel, and Linda Kasabian drove around Hollywood looking at the homes of movie stars. They came across 10050 Cielo Drive which was the home of Sharon Tate. "What a great place to start Helter Skelter!", Tex Watson exclaimed.  Susan Atkins said, "I wonder what other Beatle songs Sharon Tate likes."  It is not known if Tate even liked The Beatles.

 

* As a youth. Virgilio Gonzalez enjoyed playing in the sand at one of the glorious beaches in Cuba.  Yesterday, he has broke into the Democratic Party's National Headquarters at The Watergate Hotel because they were going to nominate the glowing hunk of charisma, South Dakota Senator George McGovern.

 

 

Ol' Bill

 

 

You may have noticed that I don't post as often on politics as I used to in the past.

One reason is that politics has gotten into a rut where nobody laughs at themselves, and they think their political opponents are the spawn of Satan. That is, if they believe in Satan. Otherwise, it is Hitler twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

A lot of the political humor has morphed into this Colin Jost Weekend Update bit, "Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here smiling at a box of puppies being sit on fire".  It is funny the first million times you hear it. 

 I was going to comment about President Trump, addressing the nation about bombing Iran, while wearing a USA baseball cap.  I thought it would have been neat to watch newsreels of President Truman wearing a leather football helmet while announcing the surrender of Japan. 

But some people will complain about the "dignity" of the White House, while others would call me a RINO.  It's just not worth my time, but it was still funny, ha-ha, and not ha-ha, if you know what I mean. 

 People say they want a "political dialogue."  They don't. They want a monologue and guess who is talking.  Hint: it is not you. 

After they finish their brilliance, they want you to cry "Uncle" and pledge to agree with them on any topic.  

One thing people argue about is "The Epstein Files".

Jeffrey Epstein was a rich jet setter who was a pervert and sexually exploited underage girls. 

He ran around with some hoity-toity people, including Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Prince Andrew.  The other people he ran with were your basic run-of-the-mill EuroTrash men that held these la-te-da jobs and enjoyed the company of girls who never heard of John Lennon. 

It is pretty well documented that Prince Andrew "knew" many of the girls in the biblical sense. As for Trump and Clinton, it really depends on what you think about Trump and Clinton. 

I have an unpopular opinion.  Both Trump and Clinton have been cads in their lives.  That is undeniable. 

However, I don't think Trump and Clinton ever did the Prince Andrew with any of Epstein's victims. I just don't see any evidence.

I watched a little of President Clinton's testimony before the House committee on CSPAN. Yes, my life in retirement is that exciting.

There was President Bill. Head full of white hair. Looking cagey as ever. He even flirted with a comely Republican Congresswoman. The man can't help himself. 

Committee Member:  "Do you remember what happened on February 12 2002?"

President Bill:  "Whale, ah, you haffa member that there wuz a big ole earf quake in Inder and I was dealin' with that. An tryin to git the house set up for you know who, so I don't member."

Committee Member:  "You were on a private plane with Jeffrey Epstein and forty former Penthouse Pets."

President Bill:  "Ah wuz?  Whale, slap some butter on me and call me a biscuit."

Whatever they were looking for from President Clinton, I'm sure they didn't find it. 

I mean, this guy survived "acting inappropriately" in the White House and the state house in Arkansas. He was the Big Cheese. I've heard a billion people say that when they met Bill Clinton you had his full attention-you were the most important person on earth-even if you wasn't built. 

Clinton is the only person I know of that got into politics to meet chicks. 

Still, watching President Bill, with the shakes as he tries to drink some water, I felt sort of sorry for him. I can assure you that is the first time that has happened.

Chocolate In My Peanut Butter

 

 

Now that I am in the fourth quarter of life, I don't buy candy like I used to.

For one thing, it is too expensive. 

When I was coming along, candy bars were usually a quarter. Back then, everything was a quarter, including used cars and split-level houses. 

(Note to my Gen-Z readers: No, split-level houses did not cost a quarter, even in Marietta, Georgia, in 1971. I'm joking. ) 

According to our lords in Artificial Intelligence, a standard candy bar is $3.45.  That's pretty hefty in my mind, especially when I'm at the age at which I'm supposed to know my A1C. I'm not sure if a less-than-standard candy bar costs less.

We should recognize that although M&M's and Hershey Bars are great, the GOAT of all candy is the glorious Reese's Cups. 

Reese's Cup is chocolate with peanut butter.  They taste good "chilled" -placed in the refrigerator. I especially like to do this to the small cups they sell at Christmas time. 

However, there has been some trouble in the Reese's Cup world. 

According to the AP, "The grandson of the inventor of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups has lashed out at The Hershey Company, accusing the candy company of hurting the Reese’s brand by shifting to cheaper ingredients in many products. Brad Reese, 70, said in a Feb. 14 letter to Hershey’s corporate brand manager that for multiple Reese's products, the company replaced milk chocolate with compound coatings and peanut butter with peanut crème."

First of all, how cool would it be to know your grandfather invented the Reese's Cup?

Secondly, "compound coatings" sounds like the name of an '80s hair band.  "Please welcome to Alex Cooley's Ballroom...Compound Coatings!"

This is a big deal because when I was growing up, the Sterling-Cooper ad agency produced a series of commercials that featured a young man with a chocolate bar running into a young woman eating peanut butter straight out of a jar.

The young man says,  "Hey you got peanut butter on my chocolate bar." While the young woman says, "Hey, you got chocolate in my peanut butter." From there, they both tasted the heavenly combination, and a million pounds and pimples were conceived. 

James Lileks says this is a perfect example of "encrapification", which is "the process by which everything gets incrementally worse."

Lileks goes on to say, "Every food, every experience, every aspect of daily life and commerce, encrapified by bean counters, hedge funds, cost-cutters, and other MBA types who make something worse so the bottom line looks better, and they get a bonus that sets them up for life."

We geezers say this all the time.  We used to have good music; now we have bad music. We learned this from our parents, who claimed to have music instead of the "racket" we liked. 

The halftime show at the Super Bowl is another example. They used to have Michael Jackson and Prince. This year, they had Bad Bunny, who sells a lot of downloads and performed exclusively in Spanish because of something that has to do with President Orange, and everybody should just shut up because you know you like to go hear operas in German. 

Movies. Really. When was the last time you went to the movies without having to take out a home equity loan?  When was the last time you saw a movie that was really enjoyable?

TV shows? Most of them start good and finish terribly.  

Hershey responded to Mr. Reese: "The company said the classic Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup hasn’t changed and is still made with milk chocolate and freshly roasted peanut butter. The statement also acknowledged that as the brand has expanded into new shapes, sizes, and seasonal items, the company has made what it called “product recipe adjustments.”

I've noticed white chocolate Reese's Cups, heart-shaped Reese's, and Reese's cups shaped like the Easter Bunny. I guess there had to be some recipe adjustments.

But, for the love of all that is good and sacred, please do not change the taste of a Reese's cup. I don't know if I have a jar of peanut butter to walk around with while waiting for an errant chocolate bar.