The Big Birthday

 

 

 I was around in 1976 when America celebrated its Bicentennial.

It was a big deal. On the CBS Television Network, they would air a "Bicentennial Minute" in which some star like Telly Savalas would tell you something that happened in 1776.

I don't know if CBS does a "Semiquincentennial Minute."  The CBS affiliate in Atlanta is now Channel 69, which seems wrong to me. CBS is supposed to be on Channel 5.  It hasn't been the CBS affiliate since 1994.  Pardon me while I walk outside and shake my fist at the sky.

My point is, if CBS does have a "Semiquincentennial Minute," I haven't seen it.

If they did show a "Semiquincentennial Minute," it would be full of information about how much we suck. Because: history.

As I have said before, I majored in history in college. I did this because I am not very smart.

I know some of you would say, "Oh, I love history, and I would love to study it."  I can tell you that, no, you wouldn't.

At least back when I was in school, the learned professors of history were bound and determined to make history as dull as possible. They did a good job.

The problem is that there is a current view of American History which says America sucks mainly because of white people and white men in particular. 

So now we have a generation of young people who live in the greatest country in world history, with the greatest wealth, with the greatest freedom, with the best cell phones that can take the best pictures and make the best TikToks but wonder out loud what it says about a country that doesn't flock to the movies to see "Supergirl".

But think about it. As President Obama once sniffed, everybody thinks their country is the best. That's the type of insight you get from Harvard graduates.  

We have the best bird, the Bald Eagle.  I don't know how many of you have seen a real live Bald Eagle, but they could beat up every other country's bird. 

 We stretch from sea (the Atlantic) to shining sea (the Pacific).  They don't have that in Europe.  

We knew this couple where the husband was from Germany. His family moved to Boca Raton, Florida. One day, his German grandparents came to town. They had never been to America before. They were asked what they wanted to do.  They said, "Tomorrow we want to go to the beach, and then we think we want to drive out and see the Grand Canyon."

It can be done, but it takes some time.

Sure, our politicians are loco, some more than others. But on the whole, we've been led by good people even when they are Democrats. (Ha, ha. Just a joke.)

But you can at least see the reasoning behind the people who have been elected President. Even people like James Buchanan.   We haven't had a junta or a military coup.

We have more stuff than other countries.  We can buy almost anything we want.

We have endless opportunities for education if we take advantage of them. Especially from Southern New Hampshire University,which doesn't have a good football team. 

We also have Buc-ee's, hallowed be thy name.

We have freedom of speech and the press.

We have freedom of religion. You can belong to First Baptist or Bedside Baptist if you want. 

There are so many things that are great about America that you can shake a stick at.

How come this Semiquincentennial has been kind of meh?

I remember hearing about the Bicentennial back in 1970. The Semiquincentennial snuck up on us, to be frank. 

And, let's be honest, one side doesn't like the idea of the other side being in charge of it. And, honestly, maybe it isn't the best idea to have the Orange Man involved in selecting the entertainment.

But it should be celebrated. We are the best. As Walter Brennan (a great American) used to say, "No brag, just fact"

 

 

  

Dads Day

 

 

Before Bill Cosby was memory-holed, he released a series of awesome comedy records.  This was before "The Cosby Show", Jello Pudding Pops, and, you know, the other thing.

He had a bit (Note:  A bit is a comedy term, meaning something you do in front of an audience to make them laugh) about mothers and fathers and the differences between them.

He said (and this is not a direct quote, but it is close enough), for Mother's Day, you break your back to try to get something for your mother.  For Father's Day, you walk up to your Dad and ask him for some money so you can buy him a pack of cigarettes for Father's Day. Then you smoke half the pack on your way home. 

He went on to say you could take an old piece of wood, carve your initials on it, and give it to her, and she would cry, hug you, and forgive you for everything.

Take that same piece of wood and give it to your dad:  WHAT IS THIS? AN OLD PIECE OF WOOD?

That's pretty much true, especially when I was coming along. Dads were honest and told you what they thought, even if it didn't make a lot of sense.

Dads, back then, believed in the hierarchy. In the hierarchy, they were number one. Mom was number two. The kids were there and were supposed to behave.

My dad had the greatest admonition ever. He would say, "Act like you have some sense."

You didn't have to have sense. You could pretend you have some sense. It was an early version of "fake it till you make it". 

 Speaking of faking until you make it, I went to the all-powerful AI to see what people should give their fathers for Father's Day.

It says, "The most foolproof Father’s Day gifts range from practical everyday gear to experiential treats."  The examples they give are Apple AirPods Pro 3, outdoor accessories like a multitool from Leatherman, or a curated food box from GourmetGiftBaskets.com.

Apple AirPods Pro range anywhere from $54.00 to almost $300.00. 

I've never heard of Leatherman, but their all of their items look like a Swiss Army Knife that knows somebody.  They definitely looks cool, and what Dad would not want to whip out a "Surge" ($159.00 US) to impress his goofy friends at the cookout?

The items at Gourmet Gift Baskets are more affordable, but you run the risk of all the other dads making fun of him at the cookout.

I don't know how "practical" and "experiential" all these gifts would be.  The whole point is that you really need to spend some money on Dear Old Dad, for once in your life. 

 AI also suggests "a thoughtful handwritten card alongside a gift card to his favorite store is always a winner."  By the way, this is also the cheapest gift.

"How was your Father's Day, Pete?"

"Just great-I got a thoughtful handwritten card with a gift card." 

"Me too!"

(Both belch.)

I have some ideas the some adult kids can give their dads.

Stop with the boozing and settle down. Nobody wants to see your Star Wars collection.  Nobody cares how many concerts you went to see last week. 

Settle down and get married. Have kids. 

Mow the yard. 

Learn to use an edger.  I didn't until I was in my forties. I am still ashamed of myself

Decide on the great controversy of our day: charcoal or propane?  For some reason, men are required to cook outdoors. 

Learn how to shake hands. This is very important. I know this is hard, particularly when you are short like I am, but you got to give the effort.

Learn to shave. Please.

Finally, act like you have some sense.  

Preachers In Skirts

 

 

"Oh, the little lady preacher from the Limestone church

I'll never forget her, I guess.

She preached each Sunday morning on the local radio

With a big black Bible and a snow-white dress. ~ Tom T. Hall

 

 

 

Every summer around this time, the national news media reports on the annual Southern Baptist Convention meeting.

 

Any good Southern Baptist should (and will) tell you that the Southern Baptist Convention exists only when the Southern Baptist Convention is convened.  The rest of the year, it is a bunch of cooperating churches that send their monies to the Cooperative Program, which supports missions, colleges, et. al. In other words, each church is independent. Don't make me explain it again.

 

Southern Baptists are not a creedal people. They don't repeat The Apostle's Creed every Sunday morning.  They repeat college football scores in the Fall.

So, all Southern Baptists don't (watch this next word) necessarily believe everything other Southern Baptists say they believe.  

 

One time, and this is the truth, I was in a Southern Baptist church, and the preacher was preaching against reincarnation.   A man stood up and said, "YOU ARE WRONG," and walked out of the service.  It turned out that this gentleman had been a member of this church for quite some time. I've never met a Southern Baptist who believed in reincarnation before. 

 

 

However, Southern Baptists have something called "The Baptist Faith and Message," which lists the doctrines Southern Baptists believe.  To be in good with other Southern Baptist churches, churches must follow "The Baptist Faith and Message," or they can be kicked out of the "fellowship" of Southern Baptist churches. They write it in bold letters so nobody is mistaken. 

 

Every so often, they try to "update"  this "confessional." They want to make it appeal to as many people as possible while trying to be as Biblical (this is a big word in Baptist circles) as possible.

Therefore, when the Baptist Faith And Message is updated, it must come before the entire convention for a vote. 

 

This year, in the Convention, the issue of the day was women pastors.

This, my friends, is a tertiary matter. By that I mean, there are issues which are essential the Christian faith. For example: God.  It is essential for a Christian to believe that there is a God.  It is also essential to believe in God to be a Baptist. I know that is real dogmatic. 

 

Then there are matters which are secondary to faith.  Example: Baptism.  All Christian denominations (that I know anything about) believe in some form of Baptism. Some believe in Infant Baptism. Some believe in pouring. Baptists believe in "Believers'  Baptism" in which people above the "age of accountability" are baptized by immersion (or drowning).  We wouldn't say our Presbyterian friends were not Christians.  They are just not Baptists. 

 

Women in the pulpit is tertiary because there are compelling arguments on both sides of the issue. Really. I know people don't like nuance, but you could make a case for Women pastors. For example, throughout scripture, God utilized female leaders, such as the prophet Deborah, Phoebe (a deacon), and Priscilla (who taught the minister Apollos).  Also, Inez Manis was a deacon in the Disciples of Christ church we went to when I was a child, so that's my momma you're talking about. (As a side note, I don't think Mom ever preached although it would have been on never joining the Columbia Record Club.)

 

On the other side, when the Bible talks about offices in the church, it refers to males holding those offices. It just does.  (Note:  I know this isn't very intellectual or deep.)  

 

Both sides have their irrelevant parts to their arguments.  On one side, there's talk about misogyny, "the old boy's network" and the issue with Pastors not keeping their grubby hands off of the female members of the church.  Also, apparently, the nasty old conservative boys ran Beth Moore out of the convention.*

 

On the other side, it has been noted that denominations that have female pastors are generally liberal and before you know it, the Southern Baptist Convention will have kids carrying the Rainbow flag at the start of Vacation Bible School if we start allowing female pastors.**

 

Here's my conclusion.  I'm with you fellers.

 

I that sounds "beta",  but I'm ready to do anything that will shut down all of the Facebook posts that are TL/DR (too long didn't read).

 

I just wouldn't feel comfortable attending a church that has a woman pastor. That's just me. I've been exposed to several lady preachers from various denominations and I wasn't impressed. Maybe I'm capture 

by toxic masculinity.

 

Or maybe, just maybe, I think it is something that is more influenced by contemporary culture than anything else. This current, unspoken misandrist philosophy that men are just a bunch of apes wearing cargo pants and the gals just have to tame them.

 

By the way, I remember a conversation my mom had with her friend, Sarah.  Sarah was a Presbyterian and one of the smartest people I've met. 

 

Sarah: "We've got a new pastor."

 

Mom:  "Oh, yeah?"

 

Sarah: "She's a skirt. She's real smart."

 

Both took a long drag from a cigarette and then laughed.

 

 

*Beth Moore is a popular Christian writer who spoke at a lot of ladies conferences.  People, especially the ladies, adore her.  Well, one of her books had something in it that another preacher (not a Southern Baptist, by the way) said something wasn't Biblical and the Twitter crowd hounded her out of the denomination. 

 

**The biggest weakness I see from the Egalitarian side is they pretend there is no such thing as Progressive/Liberal/mainstream theology.