If Joe Biden was President on December 8, 1941
Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:
Hey! Yesterday, November Twenty-first, Nineteen Dickety Seven. No wait, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in, in, in, er, a very long time from now, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Finland.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Portugal, was still in conversation with the government and its mayor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Finger Lakes region.
Indeed, one hour after Polish air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the South African ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply literally stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it literally contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack. What a bunch of malarky.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Wales makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately and literally planned many days or even weeks ago or months or centuries ago. During the intervening time, the Canadian government has literally deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. Come on, man, that ain't right.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost, especially those in the Hawaiian LBTQRSTUV communities. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Odessa, Texas.
Yesterday, the Mexican government also launched an attack against Malaya. I've been there. Used to go fishing.
Last night, the Brazillian forces attacked Hong Kong. For your information, Hong Kong Phooey is listed as missing and unaccounted for.
Last night, French forces attacked Guam. Why I don't know? Jimny Christmas.
Last night, Israeli forces attacked the Philippine Islands. I like the Philippines. I used to go there and threaten the government.
Last night, the Australian forces attacked Wake Island. Let's face it, Wake is always the sad sister in the ACC behind Dookie, the Tar Heels, and the Dog Pack.
This morning, Antarctica attacked Midway Island. Funny thing, Midway is Midway between nothing. Their national anthem is Neil Young's "Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere". I'm just joking Midway Island, God love ya.
Japan has (at this point, all the members of the House and Senate stand and applauds), yeah it was Japan than bombed us, whoa, anyway, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation. We say the Japanese are all full of beans and we mean business as soon as we hold some hearings and form a task group or something to see what needs to be done.
As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. Except shooting, bombing, and that sort of thing. But I'm no pushover, just ask "Corn Pop", this guy that hung out down by the swimming pool in Scranton acting all tough and stuff. Corn Pop was a bad dude. I did a couple of haymakers on him and he was gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday, gone like a soldier in the Civil War, bang, bang
Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. Because, well because, it was bad I tell ya. It was a big (Anglo-Saxon Word) deal.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory. Like the time I led Hickory High to the state basketball championship against the big city school. I had a triple-double. I was unreal in that game.
I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again. But, then again, you don't want to be too defensive.
Hostilities exist. Man, it is bad. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, our interests and our women-our beautiful women with their soft supple shoulders and their marvelous smelling hair- are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us, um, so help us, G, oh you know the thing.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Sweden on Sunday, December 7th, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Danish empire. So, knock it off, Denmark.
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