If I gave a commencement address.
Hello, graduates.
At long last, this institution, which prides itself on preparing young people for the future, insists that you listen to at least one more boring, irrelevant lecture from someone who you would say is "some old flatulence." You say this because you have borrowed a lot of money to attend this university, and you need to use big words.
You live in challenging times. La-te-fricken' da. Everybody has lived through challenging times.
You think having Boomer or GenX parents was rough. Try having parents who survived The Great Depression, only to have World War II (that's Two, not Eleven, as one member of Congress recently said) start.
When Grandpa got home from the War, he and Meemaw went at it like two spotted apes, quickly having babies. These babies grew up to be the most privileged snots ever in the history of man, until, well, y'all showed up.
These guys didn't want to serve in the Army. They wanted to grow their hair out to make room for their brains. It didn't work.
They changed popular culture. Unfortunately, they also created Disco music, for which I am ashamed.
Yes, we are handing it off to you. But first, a couple of things.
One, please, for the love of everything holy, stop wearing those awful nose rings that look like you are having a metal runny nose. I always want to hand out a Kleenex when I see one.
Two, just stop. Stop with all the finger wagging, all the hectoring, all the pulling new words out of your butt. Stop with all of the lectures. Stop with all of the shaming. Stop with all of the contrary opinions just because you want to be contrary.
Recently, a movie called " Michael " came out, and it was about the entertainer Michael Jackson. This class has no idea what a big deal Michael Jackson was. He made Taylor Swift seem like a complete unknown. He was huge. He could sing. He could dance. He could only wear one glove and not have to explain it.
However, there were parts of Michael Jackson's life which were, as you kids say, problematic. The movie doesn't address this. It addresses the Pepsi commercial in which his hair caught on fire.
On my Facebook feed, if I saw one OMG THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD comment, I saw ten. I didn't comment on the posts. I just scrolled past the posts. If someone wants to idolize Mr. Jackson, that's between them and Jesus.
As far as the job market goes, good luck. Sorry, I don't know what else to tell you. I graduated with a liberal arts degree from a small Southern school and somehow found a job, married my wife, had a child, and bought a house. It is possible.
I wouldn't recommend my route to anyone. But, and this is important. It worked out because I learned a simple rule. Show up.
It is important to show up to work. Woody Allen said 90 percent of success is just showing up. That's true.
Also, believe me, this is true: Set aside money in a 401k. Especially if the company you work for matches it.
Finally, remember that the days drag on, but time flies by. You'll look around, and your kid will be getting married, and they'll start having babies, and those babies will insist you watch a show with them called "Lucas The Spider" (and I am not making this up).
You will notice gray in your hair. It becomes harder to get up out of a chair. You'll look back on today as "the good old days".
So get out there and get a job. Some of us are on Medicare and Social Security. We are counting on you!
