We Are Old

 

 

 

There's a new show on Netflix called "The Boroughs." The internet says, "The Boroughs unfolds in a seemingly idyllic New Mexico retirement community where a grieving newcomer joins a group of misfit seniors to confront an otherworldly threat intent on stealing the one thing they have least—time."

 

A better way to describe it is to call it "Old Fart Stranger Things."

 

The Duffer Brothers are the "Executive Producers" of "The Boroughs," which leads to this question: Are they paid by separate checks, or do they both have to endorse one check?

 

Having The Duffer Brothers involved means the soundtrack to the show sounds a lot like "Stranger Things". (Think: "Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee") There's also a lot of what Ludlow Porch would call "Booger Stuff"-monsters, etc.

 

We're not done watching it yet, but it seems like a good show. The cast is pretty good. One problem: Geena Davis, who is the hawt old lady, speaks like her mouth is wired shut.  Has she always spoken like that, or was I always just slobbering over her not to notice?

 

There's a side issue of where the main character's daughter wants the main character's copy of "Born To Run".  It was 50 years ago this year that Bruce Springsteen somehow made the covers of Time and Newsweek, and you could not believe what a big deal it was at the time. 

 

 [Note to younger readers: Time and Newsweek were "news magazine" and their purpose (besides giving Richard Nixon a headache) was to review the news of the past week or to spot new trends in popular culture.]

 

 [Another note to younger readers: "Born To Run" was a good album, and Springsteen wasn't in his prophet mode yet.]

 

 [Another another note to younger readers:  I was attending Wheeler High School (School Motto: "Where The Gum Bought Yesterday Is Chewed And Placed Under The Desks Today By The Leaders Of Tomorrow") in 1975, and I promised you nobody in my class had a copy of that album until 1981.]

But one of the things that struck me about "The Boroughs" is that it is about people my age dealing with what people my age deal with.

 

The actual "Borough" is like "The Villages" in Florida, and if you have been paying attention, it is where Peepaw and Meemaw go to shake their groove thang. 

And each character in the show is dealing with their own stuff. One guy is still tomcatting around. Another is an old hippie. One has cancer. Just like my crew.

 

A few months ago, we went to a funeral of a girl I've known since I was fourteen. Someone said, "You know, we are going to be going to more of these."  Geez, don't remind me.

But that's life. One minute, you are graduating from high school.  Then college. Then you are going to weddings. Then the babies come. Then you are going to the kids' parties. Then you go to the weddings of the kids. Then to the birth of your grandkids.  You look in the mirror, and you see gray hair. Or no hair.

 

 You find yourself explaining your history to younger people like you are Abe Simpson:  "I wore an onion on my belt which was the style at the time."

You find yourself wanting to be hip and young. The problem: you are not hip and young. You are wise and experienced. That means you are old.

 

 Abe Simpson also said, "I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me and it'll happen to you, too."

 

You are so right, Abe.  

 

 

 

Return To Office

 

 

As you all know by now, I have been retired for almost two years.  As we say in church, it has been glorious.

I have been in ZERO meetings. I have not answered a single email.  I have not written any goals for the next fiscal year. I have done nothing. 

This song from "Bob's Burgers" describes my feelings about being retired. 

Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happy.
Doing something is what I avoid.
I adore diddly-squat
It thrills me a lot
And nothing never gets me annoyed

Nothing, nothing, nothing makеs me happy
Nothing brings me nothing but joy
So if you haven't tried nada
I really think you oughta
'Cause all play and no work make me 
a big old sexy boy. 

 

However, I know that some of you are still employed, and many of you work from home.  I worked from home for six years, and it was almost as good as retirement. Except for that work part. 

My wife has been working from home since the Pandemic. But her company (a large tech firm that rhymes with "Sicromoft") has started a program of bringing its employees back to the office. 

Now let's look at the pros and cons for employers bringing employees back to the office to work. 

The Pros of returning to the office from the employer's point of view.  

• Spontaneous team collaboration.  Yeah, when I was in the workforce and at the office, spontaneous team collaboration usually took the form of gossip.

• Direct performance management. It is easier to tell people to "shut up and get back to work" when you can see them.

• Stronger organizational culture. The employees can see who else is miserable in the company. 

• Simplified IT and data security. This one is actually right because when you have an IT problem working from home, you have to "call" an IT service center, which is in another country ("My name is Bob and I just happen to sound like a woman"). But at the office, they usually have Bob, or Nathan, or Rex, or Amber, or Cherise, or a million more young people who were born when Clinton was President to come work on your computer.

 

The Cons For Employers

 

• Risk of losing high-performing talent. People would rather work at home than have to drive into the office.

• Breakroom. Have to provide a snack machine and a soft drink machine to the ingrates. Plus table and chairs.

• Free coffee! It costs money, and everybody has coffee breath.

• Lower employee engagement/morale. Your dumb-butt employees are depressed that they are still being punished for not doing their homework in ninth grade.

• Expensive real estate overhead. This also includes desks, computers, pens, and sticky notes, which I had one boss tell me were not cost-effective.

• Smaller, localized recruitment pool. This means local goobers that are not smart enough to hail a cab in Mid-Town Manhattan.  I've had two different bosses in two different companies tell two different departments that I worked in that they could find people to replace us at the bus stop.

 

 The Pros of Returning to the Office for Employees.

• Better Networking.  You can kiss up in person with more success. 

• Defined Boundaries.  My wife can confirm that when I left the office for the day, I was done with work. I brought no work home because I didn't have a computer or a sticky pad, for that matter.

• Fewer Digital Loops.  Fewer emails and more direct conversations with your boss.  Wait, this is supposed to be a positive.

• Social Connections.  You actually know what your coworkers look like. 

• Radio Habits.  You get to listen to FM Morning Wake Up Zoo Crew on WTRD (The Turd) with Jerry, Jeff, Walker the Texas Ranger on Sports, and Lovey Dovey with the news on the drive in to work. 

• Food.  People bring everything to the office. Donuts, candy after Halloween, Pizza if you meet a "goal", and hash browns if someone doesn't like it in their breakfast combo. One guy at my wife's office would bring in a loaf of bread and put it in the breakroom at the beginning of the workday and every single slice of bread was gone by lunch. 

 

 The Cons for Employees

• Financial Drain: You spend money on gas, your clothes (current office dress codes can range from professional attire to business casual to Saturday at Walmart), and lunch, which should be planned for as soon as you sit at your desk.

• Time:  You lose a lot of time. You get up earlier, you go to bed earlier, and the days blend in together. Plus, you can never stay up late to watch any championship game because they all start about the time you have to go to bed. Plus, you have to figure out some time to go to the bathroom.

• Other parts of life: you have to constantly use your PTO for doctor's appointments, to get the oil changed in your car, or the million and one things you have to do for your kid.

• Sensory Overload:  It is hard to concentrate on your work or that podcast you like with all of the noise in the office.

 

So, cheer up office staff! Soon you can meet all of your old pals that haven't taken an early retirement package.  I'll be watching from home.  

 

 

Hello, Graduates

 

 

If I gave a commencement address.

Hello, graduates. 

At long last, this institution, which prides itself on preparing young people for the future, insists that you listen to at least one more boring, irrelevant lecture from someone who you would say is "some old flatulence."  You say this because you have borrowed a lot of money to attend this university, and you need to use big words. 

You live in challenging times. La-te-fricken' da.  Everybody has lived through challenging times.

You think having Boomer or GenX parents was rough.  Try having parents who survived The Great Depression, only to have World War II (that's Two, not Eleven, as one member of Congress recently said) start.

When Grandpa got home from the War, he and Meemaw went at it like two spotted apes, quickly having babies. These babies grew up to be the most privileged snots ever in the history of man, until, well, y'all showed up.

These guys didn't want to serve in the Army. They wanted to grow their hair out to make room for their brains. It didn't work.

They changed popular culture. Unfortunately, they also created Disco music, for which I am ashamed. 

Yes, we are handing it off to you. But first, a couple of things.

One, please, for the love of everything holy, stop wearing those awful nose rings that look like you are having a metal runny nose. I always want to hand out a Kleenex when I see one.

Two, just stop. Stop with all the finger wagging, all the hectoring, all the pulling new words out of your butt. Stop with all of the lectures. Stop with all of the shaming. Stop with all of the contrary opinions just because you want to be contrary.

Recently, a movie called " Michael " came out, and it was about the entertainer Michael Jackson.  This class has no idea what a big deal Michael Jackson was. He made Taylor Swift seem like a complete unknown.  He was huge.  He could sing. He could dance. He could only wear one glove and not have to explain it. 

However, there were parts of Michael Jackson's life which were, as you kids say, problematic. The movie doesn't address this. It addresses the Pepsi commercial in which his hair caught on fire. 

On my Facebook feed, if I saw one OMG THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD comment, I saw ten. I didn't comment on the posts.  I just scrolled past the posts.  If someone wants to idolize Mr. Jackson, that's between them and Jesus. 

As far as the job market goes, good luck. Sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.  I graduated with a liberal arts degree from a small Southern school and somehow found a job, married my wife, had a child, and bought a house. It is possible. 

I wouldn't recommend my route to anyone. But, and this is important. It worked out because I learned a simple rule.  Show up.

It is important to show up to work. Woody Allen said 90 percent of success is just showing up. That's true.

Also, believe me, this is true: Set aside money in a 401k. Especially if the company you work for matches it.

Finally, remember that the days drag on, but time flies by.  You'll look around, and your kid will be getting married, and they'll start having babies, and those babies will insist you watch a show with them called "Lucas The Spider" (and I am not making this up).

You will notice gray in your hair.  It becomes harder to get up out of a chair. You'll look back on today as "the good old days". 

So get out there and get a job.  Some of us are on Medicare and Social Security. We are counting on you!