Hello, Graduates

 

 

If I gave a commencement address.

Hello, graduates. 

At long last, this institution, which prides itself on preparing young people for the future, insists that you listen to at least one more boring, irrelevant lecture from someone who you would say is "some old flatulence."  You say this because you have borrowed a lot of money to attend this university, and you need to use big words. 

You live in challenging times. La-te-fricken' da.  Everybody has lived through challenging times.

You think having Boomer or GenX parents was rough.  Try having parents who survived The Great Depression, only to have World War II (that's Two, not Eleven, as one member of Congress recently said) start.

When Grandpa got home from the War, he and Meemaw went at it like two spotted apes, quickly having babies. These babies grew up to be the most privileged snots ever in the history of man, until, well, y'all showed up.

These guys didn't want to serve in the Army. They wanted to grow their hair out to make room for their brains. It didn't work.

They changed popular culture. Unfortunately, they also created Disco music, for which I am ashamed. 

Yes, we are handing it off to you. But first, a couple of things.

One, please, for the love of everything holy, stop wearing those awful nose rings that look like you are having a metal runny nose. I always want to hand out a Kleenex when I see one.

Two, just stop. Stop with all the finger wagging, all the hectoring, all the pulling new words out of your butt. Stop with all of the lectures. Stop with all of the shaming. Stop with all of the contrary opinions just because you want to be contrary.

Recently, a movie called " Michael " came out, and it was about the entertainer Michael Jackson.  This class has no idea what a big deal Michael Jackson was. He made Taylor Swift seem like a complete unknown.  He was huge.  He could sing. He could dance. He could only wear one glove and not have to explain it. 

However, there were parts of Michael Jackson's life which were, as you kids say, problematic. The movie doesn't address this. It addresses the Pepsi commercial in which his hair caught on fire. 

On my Facebook feed, if I saw one OMG THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD comment, I saw ten. I didn't comment on the posts.  I just scrolled past the posts.  If someone wants to idolize Mr. Jackson, that's between them and Jesus. 

As far as the job market goes, good luck. Sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.  I graduated with a liberal arts degree from a small Southern school and somehow found a job, married my wife, had a child, and bought a house. It is possible. 

I wouldn't recommend my route to anyone. But, and this is important. It worked out because I learned a simple rule.  Show up.

It is important to show up to work. Woody Allen said 90 percent of success is just showing up. That's true.

Also, believe me, this is true: Set aside money in a 401k. Especially if the company you work for matches it.

Finally, remember that the days drag on, but time flies by.  You'll look around, and your kid will be getting married, and they'll start having babies, and those babies will insist you watch a show with them called "Lucas The Spider" (and I am not making this up).

You will notice gray in your hair.  It becomes harder to get up out of a chair. You'll look back on today as "the good old days". 

So get out there and get a job.  Some of us are on Medicare and Social Security. We are counting on you!

 

About Some 70s Music

 

 

 I hate to tell you that my 50th high school class reunion is coming up next year.

Yes, I and some other Wheeler "Wildcats" are planning a gala 50-year reunion. 

You may remember, in 2017, we celebrated our 40th high school reunion and yours truly was the Grand Host. I told a couple of jokes and introduced The Grammar Hammer himself, Roger Hines, who spoke to us about the importance of split infinitives. Or gerunds. Something like that. All I know it was a long time ago and I didn't study for the test. 

So, I have been thinking about the 70s a lot.  

As a person who majored in history, and yes, somehow managed to find a job, I think the 70s can be defined as the era when hit records, even though they "sounded" good, were actually strange.

I think you can determine if someone is eligible for Medicare by simply walking up to them and say: THE SIGN SAYS YOU GOT TO HAVE A MEMBERSHIP CARD TO GET INSIDE.  If they grunt ("HUH"), then you know they are somewhere in their sixties. 

This is a lyric from the song "Signs" by The Five Man Electrical Band. Upon hearing this song, for the first five thousand times on WFOM-1230, you think it is about "signs" and how they are "breaking my mind," and that is not a good thing. 

However, somewhere in my adulthood, I realized the song "Signs" is about a guy who wants to argue with people. 

The song begins, "The sign said long-haired freaky people need not apply".  The singer put his hair up under his hat and went in to talk to the owner of the business who needed help. This guy was so brilliant that the owner decided to hire him on the spot. The singer took off his hat to show up the owner THAT YES, A LONG HAIRED FREAKY PERSON CAN BE IMPRESSIVE.

This tells me a couple of things. One, the singer is unemployed. Two, the most he would do to get a job is to stick his hair up under his hat. 

The song continues:

And the sign said
"Anybody caught trespassin'
Will be shot on sight"
So I jumped on the fence and I yelled at the house
"Hey! What gives you the right
To put up a fence to keep me out
But to keep Mother Nature in?
If God was here, he'd tell you to your face
'Man, you're some kind of sinner'"

 

I don't know what gave him the right.  The deed of property?  Just a thought.

My Baptist background would add that God would tell him that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, even long-haired freaky people.

I like the idea of this guy sitting on a fence just yelling at the property owners.  They are in their house, watching a ball game or something. Husband says to the wife: "You hear anything?"  The wife says, "Yeah, just another long-haired  freaky person."

There was another song by the ultimate White person's band, Bread.  Bread was actually a bunch of studio musicians who would get together and cut an album.  The head Bread guy was David Gates, who would write these really sappy love songs.

Like "Baby, I'm A Want You".  I need Roger Hines to tell me if this is a grammatically correct sentence. It don't think it is. I'm always wary of songs that put in a superfluous letter A, like "The Times They Are A-Changin'".  Look Bob, just say the times are changing.

Their most hilarious song is "Diary".

 "I found her diary underneath a tree
And started reading about me."

How many times have you run across a book, picked it up and started reading it ("It was the best of times, it was the worst of times") and think, "Hey this is about me!"

It continues.

"When she <was>confronted with the writing there
Simply pretended not to care."

Actually, her reaction was, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING MY DIARY YOU KNUCKLEHEAD."

Then he learns the sad truth.

"The love she'd waited for
Was someone else, not me."

That'll teach him to read someone's diary without their permission. 

My friend, Terry McCoy, who is a songwriter in his spare time, commented on my Facebook page about this song, "I’ve always thought it was weird that anyone would write down their deepest, honest thoughts about everything. What good can come from that?"

I'll tell you, Terry. Nothing good could can come from that. But, at least it's not a sign. 

 

 

 

 

"The Madison": A Review

 

 

As you know, this blog has a regular feature called "Like It or Lump It" in which I review various streaming shows and advise if the show is worth watching. 

I've decided to review another show from the Taylor Sheridan TV factory, "The Madison." However, I'm going to leave it to you if you want to watch it or not.

One reason for this is that "The Madison" is a well-made TV show.  It has that Montana (or Utah, standing in for Montana) background which is just awesome.  The rest of the show has some problems.

First, you have to know that THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. You can't review this show without revealing a major event that drives the narrative of the show.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Kurt Russell play a happily married, rich couple who have two adult nitwit daughters and live in New York City.  Russell became rich from one of those jobs in which money rolls in, just because he (in the words of my wife) is "still fine".  

Evidently, Russell is originally from out west because he spends a couple of weeks at a little compound he and his brother own somewhere in Montana so they can fish together and drink booze. 

Michelle never goes on these outings because she is, and this is a direct quote, "a city mouse."  I have never heard anyone use this phrase in my life, and I'm old.

Russell and his brother fly fish, which Vice President Cheney used to do.  I don't get the appeal of fly fishing but my theory is it is a new hobby of Taylor Sheridan just like that hobby of the sliding horses in "Yellowstone." 

Well, Russell and his brother decided to fish at this river, which is just stocked full of fish. They fly over to this river in his brother's airplane, which is just a little prop plane. A storm comes up, and instead of just waiting out the storm, Russell and his brother head back in the little plane.  From there, they are bounced around in the plane, and the plane hits an inconveniently placed mountain.

Michelle is eating at a fancy-smancy New York restaurant, the kind where you see more plate than food, when she receives a phone call from Montana stating Kurt and the brother have been killed in a plane crash.  Montana never calls just to chat. 

Michelle proceeds straight into I'M GOING TO WIN AN EMMY FOR THIS IF THIS IS THE LAST THING I DO mode and begins to caterwaul. She leaves the restaurant to gather the girls to go to Montana.

The youngest nitwit daughter is married to a beta guy who works at Vandelay Industries and is an importer-exporter.  She got mugged early in the episode mainly to show how dangerous it is to be a city mouse.

The oldest nitwit daughter is a divorcee with two daughters who go to The Woke Private School and learn how to scold people for using the wrong words because that promotes equity.

Well, Michelle, the daughters, granddaughters, and son-in-law all travel to Montana to pick up Kirk Russell's body. When they land in Montana, "The Madison" flips to television's favorite trope: the fish out of water.

Despite the incredible cinematography and the big-time star power, "The Madison" is a melodramatic version of "Green Acres", except with more f-bombs. ("Oh, Ollie-vah, I made your breakfast."  "Mr. Douglas, that is one big mother <bad word> pancake.")

Michelle and gang would make a sailor blush with all of the swearing. It is almost non-stop, and I guess you could argue that the tragedy makes everybody lash out, but it makes Michelle the most non-sympathetic widow in the history of mankind. She is always cussing out somebody about something, usually for no reason except Kurt is gone and I feel bad, boo-hoo.

It is sort of like if there was a sequel to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On Death And Dying", called "The Stages of Grief".

Stage One: Catawaulling

Stage Two: Swearing.

One thing about a Taylor Sheridan project is that he tries to own the libs in his shows.  A lot of people (not me) object to this.  I don't object because I lived in the era of the Norman Lear comedies in which somebody, usually Archie Bunker, would say something bigoted or mean, and Rob Reiner would roll his eyes and give a speech proving Arch was full of beans.

Sheridan does spend a lot of time showing what a good salt of the earth people the Montana folk are and Michelle and company are not because they are a bunch of snots. 

But I think the real problem is that while the show is wallowing in grief, nobody ever really addresses this question:  If this man was her soul-mate for lo these many years, how come she never visited the compound before his death?  It looks like she would have been there at least once, if not to prepare everybody for the outhouse.

I know there's a lot of waves of emotion when a loved one dies, but Michelle's performance of walking into a river with her fancy clothes and sleeping by the gravesite seems just a little bit....too much. 

Violence:  None, except for a plane crashing into a mountain.   The one good thing the nitwit youngest daughter did was bust some Gen Z young lady in the chops after that lady celebrated the death of another rich white man. That was pretty sweet. 

Sex:  There's a lot of talk about between Beta Son-in-law and the nitwit youngest daughter about possible doing the South Carolina Lovey-Dovey, but then she gets mad at him for something stupid.

Nudity:  The youngest daughter is stung on her heiney by wasps that had a nest in the outhouse and you see the nekkid wasp stung bottom. (I saw Nekkid Wasp Stung Bottom open for Toad The Wet Sprocket.)

Language: Pretty bad.

"The Madison" has been renewed for a second season, which means Michelle will be able to express her grief in loud wails and cuss words just like a city mouse.

 

 

40

 

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary.

It is really strange because in the past, couples who celebrated their 40th anniversary were always old people.  My wife and I are still spring chickens, which is not unusual for our peer group.  Most of the people we know insist that they are young whippersnappers who just happen to go to bed at nine o'clock.

Anyway, when we married, Ronald Reagan was President.  Donald Trump was still married to his first wife, I think.  

Televisions were big and heavy. Our first "big" purchase as a couple was a VCR.  Somehow, we managed to hook it up without coming to blows.

We lived in an apartment complex. The complex is still there.

I've been thinking about marriage lately and how some make it to forty years and some don't. 

One guy I enjoy reading is James Lileks, formerly of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

Lileks is exactly one year older than me and was the Lewis Grizzard/Dave Barry of Minneapolis.  Great writer. Posts a five-day week blog called "The Bleat".

Well, Lileks, to be blunt, isn't quite as woke (and I know that makes me sound like the guy at the loading dock who only watches FOX News) as people who want to control public discourse in Minneapolis expect.  He wrote a joke (a joke!) in a humor column (the nerve!) and had his column yanked away.  He was placed on the fast-paced Twin Cities Architecture beat.  He eventually took a buyout. 

He is getting a divorce from his wife. They were married a year or two after us.  They share a grown daughter.  He writes about the breakup in "The Bleat". Some of it is heartbreaking.

There's a lot of speculation, in the comments section of the blog, but really, there's no way to know. Just two people who are going their own way. 

Roger Miller had an old country song that said it best regarding husbands and wives. "Some can and some can't."

My secret?  I talk to my wife, and if she doesn't want to do something, we don't do it.  It is as simple as that.  If she wants to do something and I don't, well, we do it anyway. I have no strong opinion about a lot of things, like movies, where to eat, and whether we need to go to the grocery store. 

Just decide which hill you want to die on. For example, if my wife wanted to rob a bank, I would argue with her. 

Secondly, I would advise all couples to decide who is going to handle the finances. Make a budget. Try to keep it.  My mother told me that marriages either fail in the bedroom or the bank book.  That's pretty much true.

One thing I would caution young people on: everybody wants the Instagram pictures and all that. That's great, but marriage is not just the wedding. A marriage is something you have to work at. That means talking and listening. It means giving and taking. 

It also helps if you marry a wonderful person, as I did. 

 

 

Insulting Compliments

 

 

We have learned this week that the greatest insult you can give a person is to compliment them. 

Howie Mandel was on "Live With Kelly and Mark or Ryan or Michael but Not Regis Because Regis is In the Great Big Studio In The Sky" and Kelly, of all people, got sideways with Howie.

First of all, I've always liked Howie Mandel, going back to the time he was on TV putting surgical gloves on his head and blowing it up. (The gloves, not his head.)

He was on this medical drama called "St. Elsewhere," where he played a wacky doctor. (Footnote: "St. Elsewhere" was the show that started Denzel Washington who is 71 and looks great for his age on his path to stardom.  The show's finale revealed that it was the entire show a dream of an autistic child.)

He's a very funny man and does a bit about the digital prostate check exam that will leave you needing Depends.

Also, my wife and I were in the audience of "Live With Kelly And Ryan" a few years ago.  Fun fact: Ryan Seacrist was a disc jockey at WSTR ("Star 94"), here in Atlanta in the nineties. I would like to say I listened to his show and knew that young man was going to go far, but I have no memory of listening to him.

The key to being in the audience for "Live" is two-fold:  1) Can you get up early in the morning, and 2) Can you wait in line at WABC?

The big star for our show was Tom Selleck.  We had really good seats, and I was able to observe Mr. Selleck, and I came to two conclusions.

One, Mr. Selleck is physically a large man.  No wonder the gals like him.

Two,  it was early in the morning for Mr. Selleck, too, and it seemed he would rather be somewhere else. I don't blame him.

The "Mark" on "Live With Kelly and Mark" is Mark Consuelos, who is married to Kelly. It is a good gig if you can get it.  He seems like a guy who was so doggone good-looking that you had to give him a job.

He married Kelly when they both worked on a soap opera together, and they don't appear to be a husband and wife Phil Donahue tag-team out to get the celebrities.

Here's what happened. Howie is introduced. Hubs told Howie, "You just celebrated 70 years. You’re 70 years old." Wifey said that “it doesn’t make any sense” to her because Mandel “looks great.”

Howie said, “I look great? That doesn’t mean anything to me. No, no, no, no. I don’t like that, because that’s a caveat." He goes on to say,  “It’s like saying you’re smart for a stupid person.”

No, it doesn't. 

Howie is trying to say this compliment is like, "hey, you don't sweat much for a fat girl." It is simply not a backhanded compliment like one I got, saying, "You don't act like a short person."  People have their minds on how short people have acted around them.  I guess I never got the book telling me how to act.

Sara Moniuszko writes in USA Today, Chloe Bean, "a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma, says this comment can activate shame because it reinforces the message that aging is something to apologize for or avoid."

"Even when it's intended to be flattering, 'you look good for your age' can land as an insult because it suggests a pressure to keep looking different than the age you are,' Bean said, which can reinforce the idea that your value is being measured by your appearance."

 First of all, intentions do matter.  You can't get all snippy with someone because they activated your shame gland.  Secondly, Howie Mandel has never been valued for his appearance. He was valued for being one of the funniest men on the planet. 

Mandel is four years older than I am.  I'm not a person who gets a lot of compliments, but I am complimented for not looking sixty-six years old. The only reason for that is that I have all my hair, and the hair I have is not gray.  Well, I do have some gray hair, but my wife says it is, and I quote, "kind of sexy".  

After being near-sighted, big-eared, short, and little tubby, the Lord said, "Ah, let him keep his hair and hair color."

Ms. Moniuszko's article gives us some tips on talking to people who look good for their age, so you don't hurt their pumpkin feeling by telling them they look good for their age. 

Chloe Bean, who I remind you is a  licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma, gives some alternatives such as: "It's always so great to see you," "You have such great energy," and "I always look forward to our conversations about how you don't look your age while I look like Gollum."

By the way, I did watch the clip of Howie, Kelly, and Mark. I didn't think it was all that bad, but I understand Kelly is banning Howie from the show for not acting his age. 

(Note: As I was posting his, Howie posted an apology to Kelly and said he does look good for his age. Thanks a lot, Howie.)

 

 

This Is CNN

 

 

"Two Pennsylvania teenagers crossed into New York City Saturday morning for what could’ve been a normal day enjoying the city during abnormally warm weather. But in less than an hour, their lives would drastically change as the pair would be arrested for throwing homemade bombs during an anti-Muslim protest outside of Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s home". 

The above was the first paragraph in the CNN.com report on the two young men who threw homemade bombs outside the home of New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani.

Many have criticized the post as being little too nice to two individuals who wanted to blow up people. Kids will be kids. 

 I took it upon myself to look up other CNN reports in their archives regarding past events.

*"James Wilkes Booth was a well-regarded actor dropped by Ford's Theater just to check up on some old friends. But, wouldn't you know it, his friends were performing in the hit play, "Our American Cousin",  and President Lincoln was in his balcony seat. Booth had bought a new pistol and thought the President would be interested in seeing it. Ooopsie-doodle, the gun went off and Booth had to jump from the balcony to the stage. Upon landing on the stage, Booth broke his leg and yelled to the crowd, "Sic Simper Tyrannis". This reporter took Latin in school and this means "My tyrannis is sick with the simpers."

 

*"Gavrilo Princip was a Serbian nationalist student who always wanted to start a World War that no one would understand.  Gavrilo did not make good grades in school, mainly because he didn't know how to spell his name.  But wouldn't you know it, Archduke Franz Ferndinad and his lovely wife, Sophie, came driving by and Gavrilo thought this would be a good time to start a World War because Franz Ferdinand was not only the heir to the Austria-Hungry throne but also a band that played songs like "Darts of Pleasure”, “Walk Away”, and “Ulysses”.  So Gavrilo shot both of them. This has started the World War Gavrilo wanted although we're still not sure we understand why. 

 

 * "On December 7, 1941, Mitsuo Fuchida was flying around with a couple of friends when he decided they should fly to the Hawaiian Islands just for giggles. The planes Mitsuo and his friends were flying felt weighted down by all of the bombs they were carrying.  When they saw Pearl Harbor, Mitsuo sent a coded message "To, To, To" which meant "Everybody have fun tonight,"  and the young pilots dropped their bombs on the US Naval Battleships, which just happened to be in the harbor.  Then Mitsuo sent another coded message:  "Tora, Tora, Tora," which meant "Everybody Wang Chung tonight."  This led to more bombing and caused Ben Affleck and Josh Harnett to get involved by chasing them in the only two airplanes that were not damaged from the "raid". Upon hearing the news, President Jon Voight to stood up."

 

* "On Friday morning, Lee Harvey Oswald caught a ride to work with his friend, Buell Frasier,  with a paper package of curtain rods.  Oswald went up into his work area on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository, taking his curtain rods with him.  He set up a little area of boxes of books stacked on top of each other, so he could study the curtain rods. These were fancy curtain rods and everybody was always telling him how to hang the curtain rods like they were some kind of expert. When he opened the package, he was in for a surprise.  Oswald didn't pick up his curtain rods. He picked up his Carcano rifle that he totally, by accident, shot in the vicinity of General Edwin Walker. Oswald decided to shoot the rifle, three times out the window.  Talk about all of the dumb luck. The President of The United States just happen to riding by in an open convertible."

 

* "In the early morning of August 9, 1969, Tex Watson, Susan Atkins, Patricia Krewinkel, and Linda Kasabian drove around Hollywood looking at the homes of movie stars. They came across 10050 Cielo Drive which was the home of Sharon Tate. "What a great place to start Helter Skelter!", Tex Watson exclaimed.  Susan Atkins said, "I wonder what other Beatle songs Sharon Tate likes."  It is not known if Tate even liked The Beatles.

 

* As a youth. Virgilio Gonzalez enjoyed playing in the sand at one of the glorious beaches in Cuba.  Yesterday, he has broke into the Democratic Party's National Headquarters at The Watergate Hotel because they were going to nominate the glowing hunk of charisma, South Dakota Senator George McGovern.

 

 

Ol' Bill

 

 

You may have noticed that I don't post as often on politics as I used to in the past.

One reason is that politics has gotten into a rut where nobody laughs at themselves, and they think their political opponents are the spawn of Satan. That is, if they believe in Satan. Otherwise, it is Hitler twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

A lot of the political humor has morphed into this Colin Jost Weekend Update bit, "Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here smiling at a box of puppies being sit on fire".  It is funny the first million times you hear it. 

 I was going to comment about President Trump, addressing the nation about bombing Iran, while wearing a USA baseball cap.  I thought it would have been neat to watch newsreels of President Truman wearing a leather football helmet while announcing the surrender of Japan. 

But some people will complain about the "dignity" of the White House, while others would call me a RINO.  It's just not worth my time, but it was still funny, ha-ha, and not ha-ha, if you know what I mean. 

 People say they want a "political dialogue."  They don't. They want a monologue and guess who is talking.  Hint: it is not you. 

After they finish their brilliance, they want you to cry "Uncle" and pledge to agree with them on any topic.  

One thing people argue about is "The Epstein Files".

Jeffrey Epstein was a rich jet setter who was a pervert and sexually exploited underage girls. 

He ran around with some hoity-toity people, including Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Prince Andrew.  The other people he ran with were your basic run-of-the-mill EuroTrash men that held these la-te-da jobs and enjoyed the company of girls who never heard of John Lennon. 

It is pretty well documented that Prince Andrew "knew" many of the girls in the biblical sense. As for Trump and Clinton, it really depends on what you think about Trump and Clinton. 

I have an unpopular opinion.  Both Trump and Clinton have been cads in their lives.  That is undeniable. 

However, I don't think Trump and Clinton ever did the Prince Andrew with any of Epstein's victims. I just don't see any evidence.

I watched a little of President Clinton's testimony before the House committee on CSPAN. Yes, my life in retirement is that exciting.

There was President Bill. Head full of white hair. Looking cagey as ever. He even flirted with a comely Republican Congresswoman. The man can't help himself. 

Committee Member:  "Do you remember what happened on February 12 2002?"

President Bill:  "Whale, ah, you haffa member that there wuz a big ole earf quake in Inder and I was dealin' with that. An tryin to git the house set up for you know who, so I don't member."

Committee Member:  "You were on a private plane with Jeffrey Epstein and forty former Penthouse Pets."

President Bill:  "Ah wuz?  Whale, slap some butter on me and call me a biscuit."

Whatever they were looking for from President Clinton, I'm sure they didn't find it. 

I mean, this guy survived "acting inappropriately" in the White House and the state house in Arkansas. He was the Big Cheese. I've heard a billion people say that when they met Bill Clinton you had his full attention-you were the most important person on earth-even if you wasn't built. 

Clinton is the only person I know of that got into politics to meet chicks. 

Still, watching President Bill, with the shakes as he tries to drink some water, I felt sort of sorry for him. I can assure you that is the first time that has happened.