As you all know by now, I have been retired for almost two years. As we say in church, it has been glorious.
I have been in ZERO meetings. I have not answered a single email. I have not written any goals for the next fiscal year. I have done nothing.
This song from "Bob's Burgers" describes my feelings about being retired.
Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happy.
Doing something is what I avoid.
I adore diddly-squat
It thrills me a lot
And nothing never gets me annoyedNothing, nothing, nothing makеs me happy
Nothing brings me nothing but joy
So if you haven't tried nada
I really think you oughta
'Cause all play and no work make me
a big old sexy boy.
However, I know that some of you are still employed, and many of you work from home. I worked from home for six years, and it was almost as good as retirement. Except for that work part.
My wife has been working from home since the Pandemic. But her company (a large tech firm that rhymes with "Sicromoft") has started a program of bringing its employees back to the office.
Now let's look at the pros and cons for employers bringing employees back to the office to work.
The Pros of returning to the office from the employer's point of view.
- Spontaneous team collaboration. Yeah, when I was in the workforce and at the office, spontaneous team collaboration usually took the form of gossip.
- Direct performance management. It is easier to tell people to "shut up and get back to work" when you can see them.
- Stronger organizational culture. The employees can see who else is miserable in the company.
- Simplified IT and data security. This one is actually right because when you have an IT problem working from home, you have to "call" an IT service center, which is in another country ("My name is Bob and I just happen to sound like a woman"). But at the office, they usually have Bob, or Nathan, or Rex, or Amber, or Cherise, or a million more young people who were born when Clinton was President to come work on your computer.
The Cons For Employers
- Risk of losing high-performing talent. People would rather work at home than have to drive into the office.
- Breakroom. Have to provide a snack machine and a soft drink machine to the ingrates. Plus table and chairs.
- Free coffee! It costs money, and everybody has coffee breath.
- Lower employee engagement/morale. Your dumb-butt employees are depressed that they are still being punished for not doing their homework in ninth grade.
- Expensive real estate overhead. This also includes desks, computers, pens, and sticky notes, which I had one boss tell me were not cost-effective.
- Smaller, localized recruitment pool. This means local goobers that are not smart enough to hail a cab in Mid-Town Manhattan. I've had two different bosses in two different companies tell two different departments that I worked in that they could find people to replace us at the bus stop.
The Pros of Returning to the Office for Employees.
- Better Networking. You can kiss up in person with more success.
- Defined Boundaries. My wife can confirm that when I left the office for the day, I was done with work. I brought no work home because I didn't have a computer or a sticky pad, for that matter.
- Fewer Digital Loops. Fewer emails and more direct conversations with your boss. Wait, this is supposed to be a positive.
- Social Connections. You actually know what your coworkers look like.
- Radio Habits. You get to listen to FM Morning Wake Up Zoo Crew on WTRD (The Turd) with Jerry, Jeff, Walker the Texas Ranger on Sports, and Lovey Dovey with the news on the drive in to work.
- Food. People bring everything to the office. Donuts, candy after Halloween, Pizza if you meet a "goal", and hash browns if someone doesn't like it in their breakfast combo. One guy at my wife's office would bring in a loaf of bread and put it in the breakroom at the beginning of the workday and every single slice of bread was gone by lunch.
The Cons for Employees
- Financial Drain: You spend money on gas, your clothes (current office dress codes can range from professional attire to business casual to Saturday at Walmart), and lunch, which should be planned for as soon as you sit at your desk.
- Time: You lose a lot of time. You get up earlier, you go to bed earlier, and the days blend in together. Plus, you can never stay up late to watch any championship game because they all start about the time you have to go to bed. Plus, you have to figure out some time to go to the bathroom.
- Other parts of life: you have to constantly use your PTO for doctor's appointments, to get the oil changed in your car, or the million and one things you have to do for your kid.
- Sensory Overload: It is hard to concentrate on your work or that podcast you like with all of the noise in the office.
So, cheer up office staff! Soon you can meet all of your old pals that haven't taken an early retirement package. I'll be watching from home.







