Our President

As you may remember, 2016 was a big year for me.

I had three e-books published. I am an author listed on Amazon. My books have sold in the dozens.

But life isn't easy when you are a famous writer. No, you must come up with a new "product" (booger joke books) that fit in with your brand (booger joke writer).  It is not simple to come up with an idea for a book.

I had this idea for a book about a young girl who accidentally kills a woman, steals her shoes, meets three "friends" with various "issues" and for some reason, ticks off the dead woman's sister.  But then I remembered this sounds too close to The Wizard of Oz.

But one idea I have might actually work. The title: My Presidents.

It would be a humorous look at the Presidents of my lifetime, from Eisenhower to Obama.  And now, of course, to Trump.

I've all but abandoned the idea. Do you know how hard it is to write an Eisenhower joke?  Pretty difficult.  One thing that is interesting about Eisenhower is he was probably the most popular person in America when he was elected in 1952. After all, he saved Western Civilization!  By 1960, all of the cool people thought Eisenhower was a dumb old man.

My idea for the title of the book came from someone I worked with in my insurance days. She used to call President Reagan "Your President Reagan".  She didn't like Reagan. I did. So he was mine.

So here we are now just a few days from a President Donald John Trump.

It has been an unusual transition.  The progressive/youth/celebrity/ left culture handled Trump's surprise victory with their usual amount of maturity.

It has been one long and loud pout. They have protested. They have "hashtaged". They have blocked and unfriend on Facebook. They have cried. They have lectured. Boy, have they lectured. Just last week one grande dame of the American Cinema took time out of a scheduled adulation to remind us, you know, the little people, that Mixed Martial Arts were not "the arts".

They have done everything except move to Canada like they promised they would.

I have only one word: relax.

Seriously. Everything is going to be all right. This country survived a Civil War, a Depression, and Two World Wars. It certainly is going to be able to survive a Big Orange Man With Little Bitty Hands.

Eight years ago, during the depths of a very serious financial crisis, we elected a man with a very thin resume because at least it seemed at the time, he could give a good speech. Also, his hue would purge our sins from the national memory.

Did I vote for Obama? No.  I thought he was a garden variety, leftist Democrat.  I think I was correct in my assessment.

I thought the press treated him like a Faberge egg and let him get away with a ton of stuff. But you know what? The country is fine.

Did I vote for Trump?  No.  I share the concerns of many regarding his temperament and I'm still ticked off to what he did to the USFL.

I think the best way to look at Trump is the way Comedian Norm McDonald, of all people, advises. Trump, he says, is a pragmatist at heart. He will try to please people because pleasing people through his resorts is what has made him a very rich man.  If public opinion turns on him on something, he will turn with it.

But what is important is Trump will be The President in few days. Your President. My President. Our President.  If he doesn't do a good job, you can vote against him in four years. It comes quicker than you think.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article123321019.html#storylink=cpy

 

Survivor

How was my first week of 2017?

You better get ready, but I am an official old grouch and I am obligated by law to tell you, in the greatest of all detail, about any medical problem I might have. Actually, I'm supposed to wait until I am out in public, preferably a crowded restaurant where I'm supposed to announce: "I HAD THE WORSE STOMACH FLU IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND AND I STILL MIGHT HAVE IT! I HOPE I DON'T GIVE IT TO YOU. REALLY."

I did have a terrible stomach virus which would have killed me if I wasn't in such good shape.

You see, it happened like this.

The day after New Year's Day, my wife and I had the day off so we decided to go to the movies.

If you haven't been to the movies in a while, it can be quite a shock. It is very expensive to go to the movies. I haven't been to a non-matinee movie since Bill Clinton's first term. But, we had a gift card.

We decided to see Rogue One: Yet Another Star Wars Movie But Don't Worry George Lucas Had Nothing To Do With It.

Since I didn't have to pay anything to see the movie, I asked my wife if she wanted me to be a big spender and buy some snacks.  She wanted a soft pretzel. I got a "medium" Diet Coke (at the movies, a medium soft drink equals about 400 gallons). The cost was almost $12 dollars. I am not making that up.

Cost: $1500.00

How was the movie?  It may come as a surprise to you but I am not a nerd when it comes to Star Wars. If they hadn't made a movie after the third one (or the sixth one; the one with the Ewoks), I would have been fine. I go to see Star Wars movies like some people go to church on Christmas-it is something I am obligated to do.

I enjoyed the movie, although I do have some observations. One, the body armor the Storm Troopers wear has to be the worst in the galaxy. Someone shooting a spit-wad could take down forty Storm Troopers.

Also, in a pivotal part of the movie (SPOILER ALERT!!!! There is a law which says I have to write this) Darth Vader whips out some major FORCE MO-JO to get back the stolen plans of The Death Star which appear to be on a flash drive and/or floppy disc.  It seems this galaxy far, far away,  might be only twenty minutes ahead of us in technology.

While he's busy opening a Can of Force (I saw Can of Force on The Midnight Special in 1978) on people, the flash drive/floppy disc somehow makes it into the hands of one of Paul Simon's wives. It seems to me he could have just used the Force to get the flash drive/floppy disc to fly back into his hands. He's Darth Vader for goodness' sakes.

After the movie, we drove in the typical Georgia early winter weather (monsoon) and ended up at our third favorite Mexican restaurant for supper. I had my usual: Burrito, enchilada, rice and beans. It is hard to mess up that order.

We made it home and watched a Showtime Original Program in which every character responds to every situation with a very, very bad cuss word.

Character One:  "I got the mail today.
Character Two:  "Oh *&%*"
Character One: "Sure, I always get the *&^%*&^% mail."

Then we went to bed.

I was sleeping pretty soundly before the burrito struck back. I woke up to some awful indigestion. Then it started.

Despite the fact that I am old and I feel a great need to describe what happened, I won't. All I can say is the Force was strong with this one.

I had chills. I had a fever. I was laying around saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

None of this woke up my wife, who is The Queen of Light Sleepers.

When the alarm went off, she woke, looked at me and said some loving words I had never heard before. "You should call in sick."

For the first time in over twenty years, I called in sick and I missed two days of work. It was just as well because those two days were a blur. I believe I saw Obi-Wan. He told me to drink some Gatorade.

2016: So Long, Good Luck, and Goodbye

What type of year was 2016?

Well, it was the type of year when a Presidential candidate accused another Presidential candidate of not being "well equipped" to be President if you know what I mean.  Then, that Presidential candidate assured us that he had the tools to be President if you know what I mean.

Of course, the candidate was Donald Trump.

This was one of the 843 different attempts to derail the Trump candidacy. All of them failed.

Including a recent one with stirring calls to be "Hamilton Electors" and to vote one's conscience and not vote for Trump because he is really icky and gross.  (Incidentally, it was interesting to see all of the sudden expertise in "The Federalist Papers" by our liberal friends).  Like all of the others, it failed and it cost Hillary Clinton four electoral votes.

What type of President will Trump be?  Who knows?  If he has some good luck, he may turn out to be better than some people fear. Or he could be the sum of all our fears. We'll just have to wait and see

Ah, yes, Hillary Clinton. She was the "Her" in the "I'm With Her" slogan. She would have become President if all of those pesky voters did what they were supposed to and voted for her. 

So long, Hillary. 

2016 was the type of year in which we found out that Batman didn't like Superman. I thought they were Super Friends. 

Captain American and Iron Man didn't like each other either. They blocked each other on Facebook over the election.

There were a lot of terrorist attacks in 2016 committed by, (now brace yourself because this might be a surprise) radical Islamic extremists.  One attack, at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida killed 49 people and wounded 53 more.

In the Good Things Come To People Who Wait Department But This is Ridiculous: The Chicago Cubs won The World Series for the first time since 1908. Cleveland won its first championship, in anything, since 1964 when Lebron James led the Cavaliers to the NBA Championship.

Bob Dylan won The Nobel Prize for Literature. I heard it "The Hugh Hewitt Show".

Hugh Hewitt:  "Jonah Goldberg, breaking news. Bob Dylan has just won The Nobel Prize for Literature."

Jonah Goldberg:  "Holy crap!"


2016 was the year we said goodbye to David Bowie, Doris Roberts, Glenn Frey, Prince, Muhammad Ali and Garry Shandling.

Last, but not least was our old pal, Leonard Cohen.  When word reached him early in 2016 that a former girl friend was dying, he wrote these words:

"Well Marianne, it's come to this time when we are really so old and our bodies are falling apart and I think I will follow you very soon. Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you can reach mine

"And you know that I've always loved you for your beauty and for your wisdom, but I don't need to say anything more about that because you know all about that. But now, I just want to wish you a very good journey.

 "Goodbye old friend. Endless love, see you down the road."

That is a good wish for 2017. Endless love and I'll see you down the road.

As Far As Gatlinburg

You are not a Southerner unless you have vacationed in Gatlinburg, Tennessee at least 400 times.

That is a conservative estimate. You may be a Quasi-Southerner or a Pseudo-Yankee, at best, with 400 visits.

Everybody I know who has ancestors that were either Southern Baptist/Non-Instrumental Church of Christ missionaries or moonshiners, has waited in line, sometimes up to an hour, to eat pancakes at the Pancake Pantry in downtown Gatlinburg. The Pancake Pantry, hallowed be thy name.

We had been married for over a year when our friends, Bill and Dianne Wade, suggested we meet them for a long weekend in Gatlinburg. To save money, we decided to share a hotel room at a Mom & Pop Inn. 

When we arrived, we met up with the Wades and together we went walking the "Strip" (the main road) in Gatlinburg.

It was a Friday afternoon and there were a ton of people milling around Gatlinburg. Milling around Gatlinburg is mainly walking around to various shops. Some of the shops sell t-shirts, some sell crafts and nick-knacks. Some sell chocolate. My favorite one being "the Bust of Dolly Parton", which was the bust (shoulder to head) of Dolly Parton. Freud would have a field day with those who bought this item.

Soon, our attention was drawn away from the souvenirs by a teenage couple having an argument in the middle of the road.  I couldn't quite make out what the argument was over, but it was one of the worst I have seen in public.

What made it one of the worse was the young man grabbed the girl's chin and slapped the girl. There was a big hand print on the side of the girl's face. I had never seen a man hit a woman before and I haven't seen it since.

Over the years, I've thought about this couple. What would make him do something so nasty in front of a whole town of tourists? Maybe life has given him a slap or two. At least I hope so.  Maybe he's found Jesus and he replays that scene in his mind as part of his Youthful Embarrassment Reel and has asked for forgiveness.   At least I hope so.

That evening, we went with the Wades to a fancy restaurant: Ruby Tuesday's.  This Ruby Tuesday's had two stories and we were walking up the stairs to our table when this fellow stumbles down going the opposite direction. He's in full 1987 redneck attire: trucker hat, jeans, and a black "Bocephus" t-shirt.

He stopped us and said, "Hey! Would y'all wanna go drinkin' with me?"

Bill is a Southern Baptist minister.

Instead of going all Gospel Holy-Ghost on the guy, Bill said the nicest thing. "We appreciate it, but we've had this dinner planned for a long time."  That seemed to satisfy the man and he went out into the Gatlinburg night.

We made it back to the motel room. It was kind of chilly and Dianne turned on the heater. We turned out the light.

I woke up at 2:30 in the morning. I had sweat running down my face. My wife said, "I'm about to have a heat stroke." I didn't want to wake up Bill and Dianne, so I decided not to turn on the light to turn off the heater. Instead, I decided to open the window.

As I opened the window, Bill turned on the light on their side of the room. His t-shirt was sopping wet from sweating. He turned off the heater. Dianne was sound asleep and was not in the least bit over heated.

I was thinking about that 1987 visit. I thought about the time my wife and I went back in 1988. Then when we took our son there in 1993 and 1994. We returned with a teenager in 2007. What made me think about it was the fire.

You've seen it on the news. There was a wildfire in Gatlinburg which killed 15 people. Hillbilly Golf, one of the first things you see when you arrive in Gatlinburg, was hit, but it survived. Some places were not so lucky. Downtown Gatlinburg survived. I'm not too sure of the Mom and Pop Inn we stayed at.

Gatlinburg is one of those big old friendly tourist destinations. I have a lot of wonderful memories about this tacky little town.

Sure, it is great to travel all over the world. If you have, you are blessed. Some can only go as far as Gatlinburg, and that's okay, too.

Especially if you like pancakes.

The Rules For Social Media Debates

I guess it is going to become a quadrennial post, but once again we must review The Rules For Social Media Debates.

Quick history lesson: Social Media was not much of a presence in 2008 for the Obama versus McCain election. Facebook was popular with kids mainly because it showed co-eds pooching their lips out like ducks. Twitter was out there, but nobody really understood it that much. ("How can I explain my deeply held belief in 140 characters?")

By the time 2012 arrived (Obama versus Romney), parents had invaded Facebook. People finally got Twitter. ("How many cuss words can I write with 140 characters?")  People worried about civility back then.  How quaint.

By 2016, parents had learned that you did not need to share a photograph of your dinner when you could share the same article many of your Facebook friends shared ("Hillary Clinton is Really Married to Sasquatch. DO WE NEED A BIGAMIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE???!!!")

Of course, this lead to another article shared by other Facebook friends ("Donald Trump: My God")

The sharers of the first article would comment on the second article:  "It is amazing that someone with such bad taste in women (Yeah Madge, I'm talking about you!!! You know what you did at that Christmas party!!!) would denigrate a great American like Mr. Trump, who has been able to hold on to a job, unlike YOU!!!"  

Then it would go down hill from there.

Twitter is far worse than Facebook.  Facebook is like a dog barking at you. Twitter is a rabid dog. 

I feel sorry for famous people on Twitter. 

Tom Hanks: "I like toast. Hanx"
Moby Grape: "SHUT THE (BAD WORD) UP!"

So you can imagine what happened to some people this election cycle on Twitter. A lot of it was very, very mean and nasty. ( I saw Very, Very, Mean and Nasty open for Cheap Trick one time.)

These are rules for Social Media Debates.

1.  The people that disagree with you are not mistaken or misguided. They are evil.

2.  It is important to type in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to win your argument.

3. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. They shouldn't step foot in the Thunderdome if they have pumpkin feelings.

4. By all means, use the F word as much as possible. Nothing wins an argument as quickly as that.

5. If that doesn't work, point out all spelling and grammatical errors.  Because spelling + grammar = TRUTH.

6. Memes are still effective but GIFs are better. (I believe that future generations will no longer communicate by writing. Instead, they will communicate  by continuous GIFs.)

7. Do not worry about making sense or even having facts.

8. Never concede a point. You might die.

9. Describe everybody that you slightly disagree with as poop.  Then make fun of them when they get mad at you.

10. Make broad accusations.

11. Comment as much as possible about politics, leaving out anything that might be personal. ("My wife had triplets, but it was the morning after Trump got elected and I was so mad at the racist homophobic, xenophobic, and ailurophobic goobs  who voted for the Orange Idiot that I neglected to post pictures.  Stupid Mike Pence")

12. Always remember: YOU'RE RIGHT AND THEY ARE WRONG.


Just clip and save to help you through the next election. Or maybe just scroll really fast past the political posts.

Something Happened

You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked and you say, "Who is that man?"
You try so hard but you don't understand
Just what you will say when you get home
Because something is happening here but you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones?  ~  Bob Dylan


I was wrong.

Not only that, I was wrong twice in four years.

I have written two blog posts explaining how Donald Trump would never ever in a billion years become President of the United States.  Here's a link to the first one: http://manisville.blogspot.com/2011/04/who-will-not-become-president-donald.html.  

Here's a link to the second one: http://manisville.blogspot.com/2015/07/who-will-not-become-president-donald.html


I think it is safe to say that I am not a direct descendant of Nostradamus, who incidentally, predicted Trump's victory.

I am totally Mr. Jones. Something was happening and I didn't know what it was. For some reason, this doesn't surprise my wife.

Trump is too rich. He is too vulgar. He doesn't understand complex issues. He's a long winded narcissistic boor. He's been married three time. You can easily find nude pictures of the future First Lady on the internet. Or so I'm told.

He's mean and nasty. He has a short fuse. He's a "hater" and a demagogue. He's very thin skinned and lashes out viciously at critics.

On top of all of that, the Republican Party was split between the Trump people and the "elites" (people that refused to kiss Trump's rump).   He insulted Jeb Bush. He basically called George W. Bush a war criminal. He named Marco Rubio "Lil Marco". He called Ted Cruz "Lyin Ted" and pushed the story that Cruz's father was somehow involved in the Kennedy Assisination.

Those are a lot of liabilities. But, he had a couple of assests.

One: his name was not Hillary Clinton.  Hillary Clinton would have won if she wasn't a micromanged lying skunk. Of course, she wouldn't be Hillary Clinton if she wasn't a micromanaged lying skunk.

Her first response to any question is to lie. You can count on it.  Ask her what's the weather is like outside and if she says "Sunny", you better take an umbrella.

Bengahzi is a perfect example. Instead of saying it was a terrorist attack, Clinton lies about, fabricating an insane story about a video that's just one or two notches above"the dog ate my homework" in believability.

The E-mail story is the same way. Everything Clinton has ever said about it was not a fib or a little white lie, it was a flat out whopper.

Clinton was a terrible campaigner. Her speeches were yelled in a flat Midwestern accent. It wasn't inspiring.

Trump's slogan was "Make America Great Again", which was attacked as natvistic. Of course, Bill Clinton said it every day in the 1992 campaign.

Clinton's slogan was "I'm With Her". Wow, aren't we lucky.

Clinton's husband once said that "Republicans fall in line and Democrats fall in love". In this election, the Republicans, except for some #Nevertrumpers like me, fell in line and voted for Trump. For the most part, the Democrats that fell in love with Obama didn't fall in love with Clinton and they stayed home.

The second asset was the contemptuous spirit of American liberals. American liberals do not want to discuss and debate. American liberals want to mock and ridicule.  American liberals fancy themselves as the kids at the cool table. They have become the Mean Girls. They are the ones who make the rules and those rules can charge whenever they like for any reason. 

They are always ready with a sermon. They are always ready to yell and scream. They are always ready to block on Facebook and Twitter.

They are always decrying "close mindedness" but they never seem open to another point of view.  They preach tolerance, but rarely ever practice it.  They enforce a level of political correctness on college campuses that goes way beyond manners and enters into the land of suppression. Sally Kohn freely admitted to Kristen Powers: “If [conservatives on campus] feel like they can no longer speak against positive social change, good.”

Guess who decides the meaning of "positive social change"?  Hint: it is not anyone that's not sitting at the cool kid's table.

In her Op-Ed piece in USA TODAY, Powers said this:

There is a sense among many “Cracker Barrel” Americans [note: Trump won 76% of the counties that have a Cracker Barrel, one of the exceptions was Cobb County] that they are not only expected to accept rapid cultural changes, but they are obliged to never even express a reservation or ask for more time to adjust. The choice is full-throated embrace or nothing.

They wanted someone to stand athwart history and yell stop. Donald Trump was that man. So they made him president.

I didn't vote for Trump. I voted for Gary Johnson. But you have to tip your hat to Trump. He went out and found The Forgotten Man and at least acted like he was listening to him. Which is more than you can say for Hillary Clinton and most of the American Left.

 

This Week's Picks!

Welp, another year, another Georgia loss to Florida.

At this time last year, I wasn't sure how Coach Cutie Pie was going to keep his job as the Head Coach of the Georgia Bulldogs due to an embarrassing loss to the Florida Lizards Gators.   He didn't.

Mark Richt was fired and Kirby-Not-So-Smart, an acolyte of Coach Nick Satan was hired.

The thought was Coach Not-So-Smart had some of Coach Satan's winner cooties on him and soon the Bulldogs will be leading the pack in their silver britches.

After eight games, Georgia is 4-4. Please kindly lower your expectations, the man is building a process here.

When we look back on the 2016 Georgia campaign, we will all remember the moment we knew Georgia's season was going to suck, big time.  For me, it was the first half of the Nichols game. A lower ranked FCS school in the Southland conference went toe to toe with one of the legacy programs in The SEC and College Football.

I ask Georgia to win four games in a season. I want them to beat: Tennessee, Florida, Auburn, and Georgia Tech.  They have lost to Tennessee and Florida. They probably won't beat Auburn and Tech.

All I'm saying is Coach Not-So-Smart needs to process out a better season next year.

This Week's Picks!


Bad Dawgs vs Kenyucky:  In a normal season, the Kentucky game would be easy-greasy for Georgia. But this is not a normal season. On paper, Georgia is a better team than Kentucky and should win. Of course, Georgia was a better team on paper than Vanderbilt. They better win or they won't even be able to sniff a Shreveport bowl game.  UGA wins.

Bees vs Heels of Tar:  I can't decide if Tech is really good or not. Their five wins have come against bad teams (BC, Vandy, Mercer, Georgia Southern, and Duke) and their three losses (all conference, by the way) have come against good teams (Clemson, Miami, and Pitt). I see them as a mediocre team that can't keep up. But, I'll give them this: they killed Vandy.  UNC wins

Coach Paul Johnson Gets The Holy Ghost

Bama vs Ellesyou:  LSU finally cut crazy Les Miles loose and now their interim head coach is Ed Orgeron from Larose, Louisiana which is way back in the swamp. He used to hunt alligator for a living. He'd just knock them in the head with a stump.  Everyone blamed Ed's old man for making him mean as a snake. When Ed Orgeron was a boy his daddy would use him for alligator bait. Anyway, Orgeron has LSU playing better football and there is a possibility they could theoretically surprise Bama. You can't surprise Nick Satan. Bama wins.

The Interim Head Coach Of LSU

Huskers of Corn vs  Eyes of The Buck:  I haven't written too much about The Ohio State University in the state of Ohio because for some reason, probably being scared by Woody Hayes as a child, I've never cared that much for them. Plus, I've always felt the stickers they put on their helmets look like marijuana leaves.  Oh, look, Nebraska is back to being a good football team again. You know who is the biggest celebrity fan of Nebraska? Larry The Cable Guy. I'm tempted to say Nebraska will get it done. But they won't. Ohio State wins.

Told You

Benny's Eagles vs Ole Mess:  Ole Miss is probably the best four loss team in the nation. Georgia Southern isn't so hot this year so the Rebs should rebound. Ole Miss wins.

My Beloved Owls vs Clark-Atlanta:  What school's football team has the best record in the state of Georgia? Answer: Kennesaw State University.  The Hooters are really hooting this year. KSU  wins.