Survivor

How was my first week of 2017?

You better get ready, but I am an official old grouch and I am obligated by law to tell you, in the greatest of all detail, about any medical problem I might have. Actually, I'm supposed to wait until I am out in public, preferably a crowded restaurant where I'm supposed to announce: "I HAD THE WORSE STOMACH FLU IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND AND I STILL MIGHT HAVE IT! I HOPE I DON'T GIVE IT TO YOU. REALLY."

I did have a terrible stomach virus which would have killed me if I wasn't in such good shape.

You see, it happened like this.

The day after New Year's Day, my wife and I had the day off so we decided to go to the movies.

If you haven't been to the movies in a while, it can be quite a shock. It is very expensive to go to the movies. I haven't been to a non-matinee movie since Bill Clinton's first term. But, we had a gift card.

We decided to see Rogue One: Yet Another Star Wars Movie But Don't Worry George Lucas Had Nothing To Do With It.

Since I didn't have to pay anything to see the movie, I asked my wife if she wanted me to be a big spender and buy some snacks.  She wanted a soft pretzel. I got a "medium" Diet Coke (at the movies, a medium soft drink equals about 400 gallons). The cost was almost $12 dollars. I am not making that up.

Cost: $1500.00

How was the movie?  It may come as a surprise to you but I am not a nerd when it comes to Star Wars. If they hadn't made a movie after the third one (or the sixth one; the one with the Ewoks), I would have been fine. I go to see Star Wars movies like some people go to church on Christmas-it is something I am obligated to do.

I enjoyed the movie, although I do have some observations. One, the body armor the Storm Troopers wear has to be the worst in the galaxy. Someone shooting a spit-wad could take down forty Storm Troopers.

Also, in a pivotal part of the movie (SPOILER ALERT!!!! There is a law which says I have to write this) Darth Vader whips out some major FORCE MO-JO to get back the stolen plans of The Death Star which appear to be on a flash drive and/or floppy disc.  It seems this galaxy far, far away,  might be only twenty minutes ahead of us in technology.

While he's busy opening a Can of Force (I saw Can of Force on The Midnight Special in 1978) on people, the flash drive/floppy disc somehow makes it into the hands of one of Paul Simon's wives. It seems to me he could have just used the Force to get the flash drive/floppy disc to fly back into his hands. He's Darth Vader for goodness' sakes.

After the movie, we drove in the typical Georgia early winter weather (monsoon) and ended up at our third favorite Mexican restaurant for supper. I had my usual: Burrito, enchilada, rice and beans. It is hard to mess up that order.

We made it home and watched a Showtime Original Program in which every character responds to every situation with a very, very bad cuss word.

Character One:  "I got the mail today.
Character Two:  "Oh *&%*"
Character One: "Sure, I always get the *&^%*&^% mail."

Then we went to bed.

I was sleeping pretty soundly before the burrito struck back. I woke up to some awful indigestion. Then it started.

Despite the fact that I am old and I feel a great need to describe what happened, I won't. All I can say is the Force was strong with this one.

I had chills. I had a fever. I was laying around saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

None of this woke up my wife, who is The Queen of Light Sleepers.

When the alarm went off, she woke, looked at me and said some loving words I had never heard before. "You should call in sick."

For the first time in over twenty years, I called in sick and I missed two days of work. It was just as well because those two days were a blur. I believe I saw Obi-Wan. He told me to drink some Gatorade.