Dads Day

 

 

Before Bill Cosby was memory-holed, he released a series of awesome comedy records.  This was before "The Cosby Show", Jello Pudding Pops, and, you know, the other thing.

He had a bit (Note:  A bit is a comedy term, meaning something you do in front of an audience to make them laugh) about mothers and fathers and the differences between them.

He said (and this is not a direct quote, but it is close enough), for Mother's Day, you break your back to try to get something for your mother.  For Father's Day, you walk up to your Dad and ask him for some money so you can buy him a pack of cigarettes for Father's Day. Then you smoke half the pack on your way home. 

He went on to say you could take an old piece of wood, carve your initials on it, and give it to her, and she would cry, hug you, and forgive you for everything.

Take that same piece of wood and give it to your dad:  WHAT IS THIS? AN OLD PIECE OF WOOD?

That's pretty much true, especially when I was coming along. Dads were honest and told you what they thought, even if it didn't make a lot of sense.

Dads, back then, believed in the hierarchy. In the hierarchy, they were number one. Mom was number two. The kids were there and were supposed to behave.

My dad had the greatest admonition ever. He would say, "Act like you have some sense."

You didn't have to have sense. You could pretend you have some sense. It was an early version of "fake it till you make it". 

 Speaking of faking until you make it, I went to the all-powerful AI to see what people should give their fathers for Father's Day.

It says, "The most foolproof Father’s Day gifts range from practical everyday gear to experiential treats."  The examples they give are Apple AirPods Pro 3, outdoor accessories like a multitool from Leatherman, or a curated food box from GourmetGiftBaskets.com.

Apple AirPods Pro range anywhere from $54.00 to almost $300.00. 

I've never heard of Leatherman, but their all of their items look like a Swiss Army Knife that knows somebody.  They definitely looks cool, and what Dad would not want to whip out a "Surge" ($159.00 US) to impress his goofy friends at the cookout?

The items at Gourmet Gift Baskets are more affordable, but you run the risk of all the other dads making fun of him at the cookout.

I don't know how "practical" and "experiential" all these gifts would be.  The whole point is that you really need to spend some money on Dear Old Dad, for once in your life. 

 AI also suggests "a thoughtful handwritten card alongside a gift card to his favorite store is always a winner."  By the way, this is also the cheapest gift.

"How was your Father's Day, Pete?"

"Just great-I got a thoughtful handwritten card with a gift card." 

"Me too!"

(Both belch.)

I have some ideas the some adult kids can give their dads.

Stop with the boozing and settle down. Nobody wants to see your Star Wars collection.  Nobody cares how many concerts you went to see last week. 

Settle down and get married. Have kids. 

Mow the yard. 

Learn to use an edger.  I didn't until I was in my forties. I am still ashamed of myself

Decide on the great controversy of our day: charcoal or propane?  For some reason, men are required to cook outdoors. 

Learn how to shake hands. This is very important. I know this is hard, particularly when you are short like I am, but you got to give the effort.

Learn to shave. Please.

Finally, act like you have some sense.