President Trump's Gettysburg Address

The Gettysburg Address if given by Donald Trump

Fourscore and seven years ago which I think is 87 years, give or take a couple of years, our fathers who all had terrible hair and people criticize my hair which is fabulous, brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that "all men are created equal." That may/may not be true, because there are lot of people I am better than.


Now we are engaged in a great civil war (that's what all of the "boom-booms" have been out), testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. I think it can. I mean, really, have you seen some of those hicks down south? We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, that the nation might live. But, I don't know about you, but I personally like soldiers that manage not to die.This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow, this ground without adding the word "Trump". It will really class up the joint, you know? The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, but let's be real, having me involved in it, will really hallow it. The world will note, and long remember what I say here because frankly, I am a big deal


It is rather for us the living, to be dedicated to making America great again and therefore do something about illegal immigration. I am going to build a wall at the Mason and Dixon line and make Johnny Reb pay for it. We honor these dead losers we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of Trump, by Trump, for Trump shall not perish from Trump (what we used to call the Earth).

( I wrote this back in 2016 when Trump first ran for President and it was published on Alanmanis.com which I haven't used in years. )

First Draft

 

 

The following is the first draft of President Biden’s Prime Time Address to the nation on March 11, 2021

Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about where we are as we mark one year since everything stopped because of this pandemic. A year ago, we were hit with a virus that was met with silence and spread unchecked. We had denials for days, weeks, and months. I’m not sure who was denying it since the Big Bad Orange Man set up a Task Force in January and held a daily news briefings that interrupted my daily viewing of “Wheel Of Fortune".  But anyway, that’s what the kids tell me to say.

 

But first, I am compelled to comment on a situation that's facing one of our great, great, country’s largest, well, if it’s not the largest, it is close to it state: New York.  

Recent allegations have arisen about the governor’s reckless behavior. No, it was not sending elderly Covid patients to nursing homes that infected other elderly patients causing catastrophic deaths.  I’m mean, that isn’t nice and all that.  Instead, I’m referring to unwanted sexual advances that included touching, innuendos, double entendres, shoulder-rubbing, commenting about how “blessed” the women are in the top area, booty ogling, saying "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me," grading all women on a scale of one to ten, and hair sniffing.

These actions are unacceptable from any elected leader unless they are from Arkansas. 

 

Therefore, I am asking Governor Pepe Le Pew of New York to resign.

Okay, back to Covid.

 
After the lockdown, people were ordered to stay home. I know I did.  I didn’t get out of my basement for a couple of months. Photos and videos from 2019 feel like they were taken the year before. The last vacation. The last birthday with friends, The last holiday with extended family. The last time we went to Chili's. The last time you walked into Kroger's naked faced.

While it was different for everyone, we all lost something except me, of course. I mean, I got this job. How many 77-year-old men do you know that got a job in the pandemic?  Do you know who really lost something?  Big Bad Orange Man.  I mean, the most powerful man on earth calling Clem Kadiddlehopper in Hay Seed, Georgia, looking for votes.  Man, it was so sweet.

I know it's been hard. I truly know. I really, really, really, really know.  Really.  As I've told you before, I carry a card in my pocket that says, “My name is Joe Biden. Take me to my home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. Call Dr. Jill Biden 867-5309."

Look, we know what we need to do to beat this virus.  1) Shut up. 2) Follow the scientists and the science with total unquestioning acceptance. 3) Put trust and faith in our government because we know what’s best for you. We went to these hoop-de-do schools, and you didn’t. 4) Wear your (insert bad word of choice) mask. It's not like a lot of you were anything to look at anyway.

Last summer, I was in Philadelphia, and I met a small business owner, a woman. I asked her, "what do you need most?" I will never forget what she said to me. She said, looking me in the eye, and said, "I want $1400.00. Please give my husband $1400.00, too."

As you may have heard, people worldwide are getting shots of the vaccine we conceived in our administration.  On the morning after the swearing-in, I looked at my Vice President and said, “You know, I think we need a vaccine to combat this virus. You’d think Jelly Belly would have thought of that.”

We have partnered with Big Pharma, which is generally bad unless they are doing cool stuff like this and contributing money to Democrats. Our goal is to vaccinate every adult by May 1st so the chip that we are implanting can affect their DNA and make it easier for the Anti-Christ to contact them. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that part.

And we've been creating more places to get the shots. We've made it possible for you to get a vaccine at any one of 10,000 pharmacies across the country, just like you get your flu shot, birth control pills, cough drops, Reece’s cups, pens, notebooks, fish oil pills, and Life Savers.  I like butterscotch.

By the Fourth of July, we may, possibly, could be ready to hold small gatherings at your home if everybody is vaccinated, you have plenty of hand sanitizer, stay socially distanced, and we all wear, at least, three masks. Then,  we’ll have to run it by Dr. Fauci first, though, to see what he thinks.

And, for the love of all that is good and holy, Pepe Le Pew, put that cat down!

 

 

Good To Go

 It was just a coincidence that I got my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine almost an exact year after everything went to H-E-Double hockey sticks in a hand basketball.

  
It was interesting that almost nobody says “shot” when describing the vaccine.  The Powers That Be all seem to refer to it as a “jab.” 

I guess that makes it sound not as bad. Surely you can take a “jab.” (I can and don’t call me, Shirley.)

The administrators of my “jab” were cautious for what it is worth, and it didn’t hurt at all.  I didn’t have any real side effects from the vaccine.  My arm was sore, more the second time than the first. I felt some fatigue after the second dose.  Other than that, I was good to go.

I think that should be the theme of the rest of the year:  Good To Go.

Everything, good and bad, has an ending. We are just about there with this pandemic.

Oh sure, I’ll wear a mask. Whatever. Anything to keep people’s mouths shut. But I’ll be going through the motions, just like the people who only attend church on Christmas and Easter.

Confession:  when I wash my hands, I only sing “Happy Birthday” once through. Sorry, I’ll do better in the next pandemic.

As The Grateful Dead would say, what a long, strange trip it’s been.  It seemed like yesterday when we heard about Tom Hanks and his wife getting COVID.  If Forrest Gump could get “The Corona,” anybody could.

Then came President Trump’s speech and the cancellation of The NBA season. Everybody was ordered to stay at home unless you were an “essential” worker.  Americans sensed this was a national crisis, and we had to respond.

And we did. We bought every single roll of toilet paper in the store. 

To get our mind of the virus, we also watched a Nextflix show called “Tiger King.” We heard the Tiger King was in jail, and he had Covid too! Then it turned out he didn’t

Because of the virus, the economy went into a depression. It wasn’t a “Buddy, can you spare a dime” depression.  It was a “Buddy, can you recommend something on Netflix other than Tiger King” type of depression.  The government responded by printing money and sending it to everybody. What bad could come from that?

As a history major from a college located off of Interstate 75, how do I think history will remember Trump’s response to the Pandemic?

Well, let’s first admit that if Trump has a skill, it would be building a hospital instead of administrating one.  It is not in his wheelhouse to talk about medical stuff. If only he had a surgeon who separated conjoined twins in his cabinet to explain the medical jargon to the American people.

Instead, you had Trump come out and give his word salad, followed by Dr. Fauci.  People fell in love with Dr. Fauci, almost too much, because he wasn’t Trump.

When it first started, Fauci patiently explained that we didn’t want to overwhelm the hospitals with Covid patients.  We needed to “flatten the curve.”

Slowly, we went from flattening the curve to nobody ever gets sick.

Every attempt to get back to some normalcy was greeted with hysteria about some governor (pick a southern one) was going to have body bags in the street. At the same time, the whole country should follow the lead of Governor Cuomo of New York.

COVID-19 was an oddly political virus.  Gatherings like Thanksgiving, Christmas, football games, and anything a conservative might attend was pronounced “super spreaders.” Protests about social justice were not.

After it was announced that Joe Biden, after a hundred years of trying to become President, had actually won the Presidency despite not really campaigning, people gathered outside of The White House, some without masks, and drank from the same bottle of champagne.  They put their mouths on it and everything which would be nasty without a pandemic.

Our gallant news media sound nary a word.  But Aunt Mildred’s choir practice was a killer.

But all of that is behind us now. We have the vaccine.  The double doses slows the pace, and the demand was greater than the supply. But with the Johnson and Johnson vaccine, which requires just one jab, the number of Americans vaccinated should explode.

Which is good. We need to get back to normal. Normal is going to concerts and ball games.  Normal is going to church and Christmas dinner.

It is normal to fight traffic to go to a crowded beach.  It is normal to go on a cruise. It is normal to go to school.

Let’s get ready because it is almost time to go.  

Mr. Collier

 The Class of 1977 is at the age when the news of someone's passing is not unexpected,  but it is still unpleasant. 

The news of Bill Collier's death, excuse me, Mr.Collier's death was not unexpected. He had been in ill health for some time, another victim of Alzheimer's.

He was one of our amazing Social Studies teachers at Wheeler High School.  We had some real greats: Marvelous Millie Hammond, the Fabulous Kitty Love, Coach Diffley (they could make Netflix series from his career), Jan Brown (a Facebook friend), and Willie Wetumpka-Mr. Collier.

I don't know who was the first to call Mr. Collier "Willie Wetumpka". Mr. Collier was from Wetumpka, Alabama. I know almost nothing about Wetumpka, but I know Mr. Collier was from there.

He taught my brother, and he taught my wife, and he taught my wife's sister. Everyone liked him.  He gave us good grades.

He made history and social studies fun. That, as I found out in college, is apparently a difficult thing to do.

One time, in one class, he gave us this assignment. The class was stranded on a desert island. We had to write the names of one or two of our classmates to be the leaders on this desert island on a card with the reason this kid(s) should hold such an esteemed position.  I wrote the name of two basketball players in the class. The reason: "Because they are tall enough to pick coconuts."   He didn't say I wrote it, but I could tell when he read it aloud that he knew it was me.

That particular quarter Chris Moody and I joined forces and made Mr. Collier's life, um,  interesting.  At least more interesting than it should have been.

I've had a lot of teachers throughout my life. Some have been better than others

However, I can honestly say I never knew a teacher that cared more for his students than Mr. Collier.

He loved us.

So thanks, Mr. Collier, for coming to class and putting up with all of us 70's era boomer kids.

I can't remember if we ever told you, but we loved you, too.

Limbaugh

 

I wasn't surprised when I heard of Rush Limbaugh's death. After all, when you hear the words "Stage 4" connected with a cancer,  you know death is around the corner.

From the State Of The Union last year to a few weeks ago, the video we've seen of Limbaugh was that of a frail person. This larger-than-life character (and who was larger than life than Limbaugh) was fading away before our eyes, but he was still wailing away against the elites and the drive-by media.

I looked at Twitter after Limbaugh's death was announced. It was one-half sorrow and the other half glee.  

To say Limbaugh was a controversial character is an understatement. A laundry list of sins has been ascribed to him, and to be fair, they said it while he was alive. Still, there is something ghoulish about people celebrating the death of a disc jockey just eight or so hours after his demise. 

Limbaugh had his fans, too,called "Ditto-heads" because  when they heard one of Limbaugh's patented monologues they said "Ditto."  They copied his phrases like "Femi-nazi," which I thought was sort of clever. 

No matter what you thought about Limbaugh, there is one fact you cannot deny:  Limbaugh saved the AM radio band by changing the radio talk show format. 

Before Limbaugh, most radio talk shows took phone calls from listeners.  The hosts would engage the callers and try to make them look bad or cut them off due to time.  

Limbaugh didn't do that.  He would take maybe one or two calls a show. Except on Fridays, those were "Open Line Friday", in which Limbaugh would go crazy and take maybe three calls.  

In his book, Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot, Al Franken made a big deal that Limbaugh had a call screener.  Every radio talk show in the history of radio talk shows has had a call screener. Even Al Franken had a call screener when he had his radio talk show.

The problem wasn't the lack of callers. The problem was Limbaugh was saying Democrats aren't the cool kids they think they are. Therefore, they deserved to be ridiculed, poked fun at, and at times condemned.

Limbaugh was saying this in his monologues. His monologues had one theme: "Democrats Suck And Here's Why."

Limbaugh became prominent around the same time as two other shock jocks:  Don Imus and Howard Stern.

All three were at legacy New York radio stations. All three had adoring fans. All three had tremendous egos. All three hated the other.

Stern and Imus hated each other from the time they were both on WNBC together.  They both regarded Limbaugh as something odd. Imus would call Limbaugh "pumpkin head".  Stern was simply dismissive.

Limbaugh was going after a different crowd than they were. He wasn't going after the Washington-New York crowd. He was going after the people in the fruited plain. Which is what set him apart.

Limbaugh was Team GOP. He stumped for Dad Bush and supported every GOP ticket, even the squishy ones.

Back in 2016, there was a lot of talk about who could stop Trump.  

The answer was none of the candidates. The only person who could stop Trump was Limbaugh.

Limbaugh was lukewarm to Trump, at first. I'm sure he had some of the same reservations that the rest of us had. But he jumped on the Trump train and Trump became his personal boo.

Look, Limbaugh wasn't everyone's cup of tea. But he used the talent that was "On Loan From God." to change his industry. That's something everyone should applaud even if you are not a Ditto-head.

 

 

The Middle

 

It was in the first issue of People in 1974 when a lot of us met Bruce Springsteen.  A year and a half later, Bruce was on the covers of Time and Newsweek in the same week. You wouldn't believe what a big deal that was, especially when they didn't play his songs of the radio. Not around here in Georgia at any rate.

 

 

He was a "New Dylan", but he had a saxophone player in the band. He gave what seemed like day long concerts and put a ton of energy in every performance.

Manfred Mann did a song of his called "Blinded By The Light" which talked about  being "wrapped up like a douche". Even old Bob never wrote a song like that. It was years later we found out the lyric was "wrapped up like a deuce". 

It was in 1984 when Bruce released the "Born In The USA" album. 1984 was a perfect time for him to release that album because there was almost no gut-bucket rock music. Pop music was taken over by the MTV crowd: Michael Jackson, Boy George, all of those folks.

Even though Bruce was a rock star, he looked  and seemed normal.

But then, it happened.  A conservative, George Will, admitted to liking "Born In The USA".  He wrote: 

 
"In an age of lackadaisical effort and slipshod products, anyone who does anything -- anything legal -- conspicuously well and with zest is a national asset. Springsteen's tour is hard, honest work and evidence of the astonishing vitality of America's regions and generations. They produce distinctive tones of voice that other regions and generations embrace. There still is nothing quite like being born in the U.S.A."

As the famous commentator, Snagglepuss, once said, "Heavens to Murgatroyd".

Since then, Bruce has been trying his best to make sure people knew he was a rockin' liberal. It was like he was trying to out Dylan Dylan and morph into a cool rockin' Woody Guthrie.  He was always ready for a lecture, always had time for a homily, always had a sermon prepared about how he was disappointed in us

Since the '90's, Bruce hasn't shied away from political endorsements.  After all, Republicans don't buy records.  Bruce endorsed John Kerry in 2004, Obama in 2008, and Clinton in 2016. He famously ignored one of his biggest fans, Chris Christie, one time. He said if Trump was re-elected he would move to Australia.

His albums the last 36 some odd years have been okay. "Tunnel Of Love" was pretty good. "The Ghost of Tom Joad" was pretty much unlistenable.

Like most big rock stars, Springsteen had many different phases.  There was the Asbury Park Bruce with a hat and a beard.  There was Darkness At The Edge Of Town Bruce which has him skinny, clean shaven with no hat.  Muscle Bruce was during his "Born In The USA" era. Brooding Bruce came shortly after that. 

 

In 2019, Bruce came out with "Western Stars" which ushered in the latest Bruce phase:  Cowboy Bruce.

Bruce is now walking around with a cowboy hat and wearing jeans. He's come a long way from The Boardwalk.

It was Cowboy Bruce in the Super Bowl ad.  The stoic, brooding better looking Dylan driving through the Midwest, in a Jeep with the top down, in the middle of winter.

Cowboy Bruce stops in what is supposedly the middle of the USA, you know, the country he was born in. The middle of the country is marked by a chapel which causes Bruce to light a candle and brood about how the country is so divided. You may have heard about it, it has been in all of the papers.

He prays for reunification.  While you are at it, please consider buying a Jeep.

I don't know how effective the commercial was for Jeep. I'm not sure how influential Bruce is now. A couple of days after the commercial aired, news broke that Bruce was arrested for DWI in November.

I would consider Bruce to be a liberal. He considers himself to be in the middle. Everyone thinks they are in the middle. Some are, some aren't.

I only know I miss the Bruce who promised Mary that he'll "make it good somehow" when he drives down Thunder Road.

 

 

Skittle, Rainbows, And Unicorns.

 

It is really amazing when you think about it. 

In the past month, both Facebook and Twitter kicked President Trump off their platforms after the January 6th storming of the Capitol. It had something to do with "standards" etc, but it really had more to do with Trump acting bat crap crazy than anything else.  

Facebook and Twitter was looking for a reason to kick Trump out and he gave it to them. 

Look, I know Trump was fat and orange and talked in circles AND HE LIED.  I'm still uncomfortable with the Social Media bans.  O.J. Simpson has a Twitter account, for goodness sakes, and Lord knows HE LIED.

Anyway, there's a lot of talk about Social Media and how it is important to use it responsibly. If not, we get Presidents like YOU KNOW WHO.

Since President Grandpa has taken office, I have noticed a different tone on my Facebook page.

I'm not seeing a lot of right wing stuff.  A lot of them have vamoosed because of various reasons, mainly because they don't want to hear how everything is Skittles, Rainbows, and Unicorns now that Jen Psaki is telling LIES instead of Kaleigh McEany.

I'm seeing more "liberal" memes that are just as gooberish  as the "conservative" ones

There's a cottage industry devoted to telling everyone, through memes, what a great guy Bernie Sanders is.

My favorite liberal meme theme compares Bernie Sanders to Jesus.  Both were carpenters, both were Jewish, and both were "socialists".  I can think of a couple of differences, the biggest one being Sanders doesn't believe Jesus's father exists.

Another thing I've notices is that there is almost an hourly sermon about how important masks are and that we should never take them off

I wear a mask because I can't go into a store without one on. But now we're hearing that we should wear two masks because our main mask may not work and we'll need to rely on our secondary auxiliary masks. It is the perfect fail-safe.  Plus we need to wash our hands for an hour. 

Look, I get it. Honest. I think the virus is real and it is spread by people. But the daily mask sermon is getting kind of old, kind of like when your preacher does a year's worth of sermons on The Book Of Revelation.  

The Biden Administration is considering sending a mask to every American.  Look, President Joe, cut my taxes and I'll buy my own mask. I promise.

Another idea being floated around is that the President will cancel all student loan debt.

I'm not sure even the most elastic interpretation of the Constitution grants Presidents such powers, even those that have a (D) besides their name. On top of that, our family is student loan debt free.  Were  we saps to pay off loans we freely took out?

Besides, why should a kid that studied a trade, like plumbing, be on the hook to pay for a history major like me?  It doesn't make sense to me.

I admit that I've sort of enjoyed the return to Normalcy. But there was a bit of nostalgia when I read of President Trump's resignation from The Screen Actors Guild.

The SAG was going to hold a "disciplinary"  hearing which supposedly was going to lead to SAG stripping Trump of his membership.

Well, you know Trump.  He sent SAG a letter:  "I write to you today regarding the so-called Disciplinary Committee hearing aimed at revoking my union membership. Who cares!"

Ah yes, that's our Donald. He continued, of course: "While I'm not familiar with your work, I'm very proud of my work on movies such as 'Home Alone 2,' 'Zoolander' and 'Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps'; and television shows including 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,' 'Saturday Night Live,' and of course, one of the most successful shows in television history, 'The Apprentice' — to name just a few!"  

Who wouldn't be proud to be in "Home Alone 2"?

But now everything is almost back to normal. It will be normal as soon as we get our shots and  that mask Uncle Joe promised he's sent us.