First Draft

 

 

The following is the first draft of President Biden’s Prime Time Address to the nation on March 11, 2021

Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about where we are as we mark one year since everything stopped because of this pandemic. A year ago, we were hit with a virus that was met with silence and spread unchecked. We had denials for days, weeks, and months. I’m not sure who was denying it since the Big Bad Orange Man set up a Task Force in January and held a daily news briefings that interrupted my daily viewing of “Wheel Of Fortune".  But anyway, that’s what the kids tell me to say.

 

But first, I am compelled to comment on a situation that's facing one of our great, great, country’s largest, well, if it’s not the largest, it is close to it state: New York.  

Recent allegations have arisen about the governor’s reckless behavior. No, it was not sending elderly Covid patients to nursing homes that infected other elderly patients causing catastrophic deaths.  I’m mean, that isn’t nice and all that.  Instead, I’m referring to unwanted sexual advances that included touching, innuendos, double entendres, shoulder-rubbing, commenting about how “blessed” the women are in the top area, booty ogling, saying "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me," grading all women on a scale of one to ten, and hair sniffing.

These actions are unacceptable from any elected leader unless they are from Arkansas. 

 

Therefore, I am asking Governor Pepe Le Pew of New York to resign.

Okay, back to Covid.

 
After the lockdown, people were ordered to stay home. I know I did.  I didn’t get out of my basement for a couple of months. Photos and videos from 2019 feel like they were taken the year before. The last vacation. The last birthday with friends, The last holiday with extended family. The last time we went to Chili's. The last time you walked into Kroger's naked faced.

While it was different for everyone, we all lost something except me, of course. I mean, I got this job. How many 77-year-old men do you know that got a job in the pandemic?  Do you know who really lost something?  Big Bad Orange Man.  I mean, the most powerful man on earth calling Clem Kadiddlehopper in Hay Seed, Georgia, looking for votes.  Man, it was so sweet.

I know it's been hard. I truly know. I really, really, really, really know.  Really.  As I've told you before, I carry a card in my pocket that says, “My name is Joe Biden. Take me to my home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. Call Dr. Jill Biden 867-5309."

Look, we know what we need to do to beat this virus.  1) Shut up. 2) Follow the scientists and the science with total unquestioning acceptance. 3) Put trust and faith in our government because we know what’s best for you. We went to these hoop-de-do schools, and you didn’t. 4) Wear your (insert bad word of choice) mask. It's not like a lot of you were anything to look at anyway.

Last summer, I was in Philadelphia, and I met a small business owner, a woman. I asked her, "what do you need most?" I will never forget what she said to me. She said, looking me in the eye, and said, "I want $1400.00. Please give my husband $1400.00, too."

As you may have heard, people worldwide are getting shots of the vaccine we conceived in our administration.  On the morning after the swearing-in, I looked at my Vice President and said, “You know, I think we need a vaccine to combat this virus. You’d think Jelly Belly would have thought of that.”

We have partnered with Big Pharma, which is generally bad unless they are doing cool stuff like this and contributing money to Democrats. Our goal is to vaccinate every adult by May 1st so the chip that we are implanting can affect their DNA and make it easier for the Anti-Christ to contact them. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that part.

And we've been creating more places to get the shots. We've made it possible for you to get a vaccine at any one of 10,000 pharmacies across the country, just like you get your flu shot, birth control pills, cough drops, Reece’s cups, pens, notebooks, fish oil pills, and Life Savers.  I like butterscotch.

By the Fourth of July, we may, possibly, could be ready to hold small gatherings at your home if everybody is vaccinated, you have plenty of hand sanitizer, stay socially distanced, and we all wear, at least, three masks. Then,  we’ll have to run it by Dr. Fauci first, though, to see what he thinks.

And, for the love of all that is good and holy, Pepe Le Pew, put that cat down!