This Week's Picks Week Five

Before we hop into this weekend's game, allow me to discuss something personal.

No, it doesn't involve me directly. It has nothing to do with my friends and family.

I want to discuss Bill Cosby.

(This is sort of college football related. Cosby played on the Temple University football team and had a great bit about playing Hofstra University.)

If there ever was a Mount Rushmore for comedians, I think Bill Cosby would be on it.

All of his records on the Warner Brothers label released in the '60's are classics. Every one from "Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow...Right", "Why Is There Air?" (answer: to blow up basketballs), "Revenge" to "MPH". It was like he recorded, in comedy terms, a Sgt Pepper or Blonde On Blonde every time.

That is my Bill Cosby. Oh sure, a lot of people liked Dr. Huxtable, but that was Cosby in cruise control. My Bill Cosby talked about Junior Barnes, Fat Albert, Old Weird Harold, and The Chicken Heart.

At one time, he was the funniest man on the planet.

As a kid, I memorized his stories. I know I'm not the only one.

I'm not going to rehash his downfall. It is hard to believe but apparently what we heard in whispers for years was true. And what is true is very sad, particularly for the victims. It is also sad that the man worshiped by many had a legion of demons he just couldn't control.

Now, as an elderly man, he has been put in handcuffs and shuffled off to jail.

It is just hard to reconcile my Bill Cosby with that Bill Cosby.  It is a shame.

This Week's Picks

Jawja vs Ten-uh-see: UGA wasn't all that hot against Missouri, but they still won. Lord, what can I say about Tennessee?  Nothing except to ask do you know why they raised the drinking age to 32 in Tennessee?  They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! Did you hear about the guy that was staying at a swanky Knoxville hotel?  He called the front desk and said "I gotta leak in my sink" and the guy at the front desk said, "Go ahead".  A Tennessee State Trooper pulled over this orange and white truck with UT bumper stickers all over it. The State Trooper said, "You got an I.D.?" and the driver said, "Bout whut?".  Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Remember to tip your waitress and try the veal!  UGA wins!
 

Wrecked vs Falcons Not From Around Here:  Welp, Tech played just as well against Clemson as I thought they would.  Things must be heating up down on The Flats because the @NotPaulJohnson guy tweeted: "Take your fair weather self $5 and go to wal-mart and get yourself a Georgia hat. Plenty of room on their bandwagon."  Someone replied: "Fair weather? You could say that if last year we won the ACC. But this is the 3rd time in 4 we have sucked. I don’t think we have fair weather fans. Just fans tired of a losing program."  This would have been a major big deal, but only three people responded to the tweet, which indicates the interest in the program.  But let not your heart be troubled my bumble bee pals, Bowling Green Not In Kentucky University is coming down and this will be your second win of the year. Buzz, buzz.  Tech wins.

Ahia State vs Lions from Nittany  I have never been an Ohio State fan and I've never been that crazy about Penn State. But, they're not coached by Saint Urban The Forgetful.  Penn State wins!
 

Other Bulldogs vs Reptiles:  It looked like Mississippi State was going places this year and then came the Kentucky game. Let that sink in. Things must be looking up for Florida because I'm getting requests not to pick them to win because of some myth is known as "The Manis Jinx". I've picked 19 out of 21 correctly this year. I think we can safely say "The Manis Jinx" is dead.  Florida wins! (Mississippi State fans: I accept payment in cash, check, money orders, and bitcoins)

Trees vs Our Lady:  Stanford looks like a good team. I wish I could stay awake long enough to watch them play.  Notre Dame is having a pretty good year. They are Number 8 in the country primarily due to a stirring win over The Backslidden Deacons of Wake Forest.  I just think Stanford is better. Stanford wins!

My Beloved Owls vs Baptist Bulldogs:  Last Saturday, the lovely Mrs. Picks and I decided to go the geriatric Longhorn's on Dallas Highway. I call it that because when we go there,  we're usually the youngest people in the restaurant and we ain't spring chickens. We passed the Clark Atlanta team bus. This wasn't good for them because we do not live near Kennesaw State's stadium, The Fifth-Third Quarter Inch Liter Bank Stadium.  Clark Atlanta eventually found the stadium. Kennesaw State beat them 70-13.  Samford is 1-3 so far this year. Ha, ha.  Kennesaw State wins!

Not about football, but this is pretty much how Georgia colleges are.

This Week's Picks: Week 4

I am going to say something very controversial.  I miss Verne Lundquist.

If you ever want to get a fight started, say something good about Verne Lundquist.

He was the play-by-play guy for the SEC games on CBS for years.  Everybody hated him, particularly Alabama fans. I've haven't quite figured it out.  Maybe he didn't genuflect enough towards Saint Saban, I don't know.

But I liked Uncle Verne. He wasn't one of those blown dried Syracuse graduates. He was a Texas Lutheran grad that liked to eat.

Oh sure, sometimes he got the player, team, stadium, and sport wrong. But he was real.

I miss Larry Munson, too.  If you are from Georgia, you've heard at least one classic Larry Munson call live.

Larry:  "The Dawgs are on the one-yard line. Three seconds left. Boys, it is time to hunker down like you've never hunker down before. I don't see how they're going to do it. Loren, whatta got?"

Loren: "Huh Larry?  Mrs. Dooley is wearing the most beautiful yellow chiffon dress. It highlights those eyes of her. I love her".

Larry:  "The Dawgs set. It's a quarterback sneak! It's a quarterback sneak (Note-Larry says this 50 more times).  We took their face and stepped on it with a golf shoe. We took their liver out and put  it on the grill. We ripped their kidneys out and gave it to a raccoon. Look! Sugar is falling from the sky! Wait! That's rain! Okay, enough celebration, let's start worrying about the NorthSouthWest Louisiana game." 

This Week's Picks!



Jawja vs Moosouri- UGA starts its SEC schedule with Missouri, which for some reason is in the Eastern Division of The SEC despite the fact that the state of Missouri is west of the Mississippi River. Geography isn't a big deal in The SEC. For some reason, the Tigers always play the Dawgs tight probably because UGA still doesn't think Missouri is in the SEC. It won't matter.  UGA wins

Wrecked vs Erange- I don't get it. Coach Paul (Giggles ) Johnson's record in 11 years at Georgia Tech is 77-56.  A winning record to be sure, but it is nothing to build a statue over. You would think Johnson would be on the hot seat, but it doesn't seem like it is an issue. I guess the Bees are happy beating UGA every four to six years.  You don't have to be good at math to know Tech just won't have it against Clemson.  The question isn't if the Bees will lose, the question is by how much. And Coach Giggles will probably get a contract extension. Clemson wins.

Rocky Topped vs  Lizards- For some people, the first sign of Fall are the leaves changing color. For others, it is the appearance of pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks (yuck!) but for me, the first sign of fall is the Tennessee-Florida game.  In their salad years, you see as many Tennessee and Florida fans here as you do Georgia fans. This isn't one of their salad years, so these guys have been on the down-low as the cool kids say.  Tennessee has been in a state of rebuilding since they fired Big Fat Phil. Florida lost to Kentucky a couple of weeks ago. If that isn't proof there is a God, I don't know what is. I tend to think Florida is a little bit better than Tennessee.  What the heck:  Florida wins.

Ducks vs Trees- When we went on our Alaskan cruise a couple of years back, I met a guy that was a Florida grad living in California. He said due to the time difference, he has no trouble keeping up with The SEC.   He'd wake up Saturday Morning and there was a SEC football game. It is the opposite issue with me about the PAC-10. It is hard to keep up with a team when their games come on at 11:00, because unlike you heathens, some of us have to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. Stanford is number 9 in the polls and Oregon is 20. I guess that means something.  Gameday is going to be at Eugene, so I guess Coach Lee will be picking the Ducks.  By the way, did you know that Oregon has a handshake agreement with Walt "Wonderful World of Color" Disney himself to be able to use the Donald Duck likeness?  You don't get that type of information on Gameday.  Wait, maybe, you did.  No particular reason but I think Stanford wins.

 

The Fighting Herms vs Worshington-I hate it when I forget something that happened in the off-season, like when Herm Edwards was hired as the head coach of the Arizona State Sun Devils. Herm was the coach of The New York Jets and The Kansas City Chiefs.  When he was let go from Kansas City, you'd see him on ESPN and he seemed like he had just a wee too much coffee. But it seems, so far, that college football agrees with him. Arizona State has beaten a Big Ten school. (Okay, even Troy University has beaten a Big Ten School.)  Washington is a pretty good team. They almost defeated Auburn. They're better than Arizona State.  Washington wins.

My Beloved Owls vs  Clark Atlanta- I don't care if Kennesaw State is playing Clark Kent, Clark Griswald, or Clark Atlanta, the Owls will win.

This Week's Picks Week Three

Ahem.

While This Week's Picks (or TWP as it is known in the business), is strictly for entertainment purposes, I do like to keep up with how many games I happen to pick correctly.

For the first two weeks of The College Football Season, my record is 10-0.

Granted, the first couple of weeks hasn't been that surprising.  However, I did pick Utah State to defeat New Mexico State, which they did, 60-13.  I picked Utah State simply because The Incredible Paul Wickenhiser sent me a Utah State t-shirt.  His oldest son goes there and I said, "Hey Paul, send me a t-shirt.". He said "Sure" and I got it in the mail a few days later.  In fact, I am wearing that t-shirt as I am typing these words.

You don't get that type of insightful football analysis on Gameday

This Week's Picks!


Dawgs vs The Middle of The State of Tennessee. After beating Igottago Peay University  in the first game of the season, the Georgia Bulldogs faced their first test last week against The South Carolina Game(word deleted; this is a family blog). UGA passed with flying colors.  The Dawgs have invited another Tennessee team to Athens, The Blue Raiders of Middle Tennessee State.  Middul Tenn-uh-sea (as it is pronounced up there) is in Murfreesboro, which is also the home of "The Slick Pig" restaurant which is a great BBQ joint. "The Slick Pig" is also a place that can cure constipation if you catch my drift.   If you ever go to "The Slick Pig", be sure to bring your Immodium. Wait. Where was I?  Oh yeah, the game. UGA wins.

Bumbles vs The Non-Black and Gold Team of Pittsburgh.  Tech didn't look bad against South Florida when they had the ball. The offense is the same triple option run, run, run that Paul Johnson has been doing there for years.  The defense, however, is another story.  Pitt didn't look good at all against Penn State. I'm taking a chance but I think Tech wins.

Bamy vs Ole Mess. There was a time when Ole Miss beat Alabama two years in a row. That time is over. Alabama wins.

Rocky Topped vs The University Out In The West Texas Town Of El Paso.  Another friend of the blog, Stephanie Harkins, complained that I never mention Tennessee and even created a clever hashtag: #Volslivesmatter. The University of Texas El Paso comes to Knoxville to play the ever rebuilding Volunteers.  I know nothing about UTEP and I don't know anybody that can send me a t-shirt. Because of that, Rocky Top you'll always be home sweet home to me. Tennessee wins.

Just In Case You Didn't Get My Joke

Eyes of Buck vs Aroused Frogs of A Mainline Denomination.  THE Ohio State University has one last game without St. Urban The Forgetful.  Raise your hands if you want TCU to win. Okay, that's everybody in the country except the state of Ohio.  I'm probably wrong, but TCU wins.

My Beloved Owls vs Alabama State.  Yes, Virginia, there are other schools in Alabama besides Bama and Auburn that play football.  According to their website, "Alabama State University was founded in 1867, in Marion, Ala., as a school for African-Americans. The school started as the Lincoln Normal School with $500 raised by nine freed slaves now known as the Marion Nine, making ASU one of the nation’s oldest institutions of higher education founded for black Americans."  Their nickname is "The Hornets", which is really a cool college team name if you ask me. I mean, a yellow jacket is pesky, but a hornet is downright mean. They were 5-6 last year.  Owls win.

Crackers

Animal crackers in my soup
Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop
Gosh, oh gee, but I have fun
Swallowing animals one by one  -Shirley Temple

I suppose by now you have heard about Nabisco changing the design on the box of animal crackers.

For years the box featured pictures of animals, in "cages" because the actual name of the snack is Barnum's Animal Crackers and it meant to convey the idea that the circus was coming to town. The idea being that the nearest the average consumer would get to a lion was to see one at the circus.

However, in the past few years, the whole idea of a circus has fallen out of favor.  Clowns are considered "scary".  Jerry Seinfeld once commented about going to the circus and he "didn't know what the hell was going on".  Barnum and Bailey's Circus went bankrupt.

Instead of being behind bars in a circus wagon, the animals are now shown just chillin' on the African plain. The animals: zebra, elephant, lion, giraffe, and a gorilla.  From my research (a misbegotten childhood watching "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom") I believe the lion would attack at least two of the other animals.

I will let you guess why Nabisco made this decision. You guessed it right: they were pressured by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to change the art of the box.

Twenty years ago, PETA was decrying animals caught in steel traps to make fur coats. They were protesting lab research done on animals. Now, they are mau-mauing companies about art on cookie boxes.

PETA, in a released statement, said, “No living being exists simply to be a spectacle or to perform tricks for human entertainment, yet all circuses and traveling shows that use animals treat them as mere props, denying them everything that’s natural and important to them.” 

(Just for the record, my 21-year-old cat, Gracie, agreed saying that she doesn't exist to perform tricks for human entertainment, like some dog. Additionally, Gracie is pretty ticked off about not making the Top Ten of Cobb County's cutest pets for Cobb Life magazine. That has nothing to do with the issue at hand, but her mind tends to wander sometimes.)

Most people chalked up the new animal cracker box design as another example of PC culture gone wild. We can't get the Pope to decry child molestation by rouge perverted priests, but doggone it, we can free cartoon African animals from their cages on cracker boxes.


However, the crowd at Woke University isn't giving each other high fives for forcing a major corporation into doing something which was totally unnecessary. No, the problem is it didn't go far enough.

Vox, an online magazine, published a piece titled: The Big Problem With The Animal Crackers "Cage Free" Box Design by Daisy Alioto. The subtitle to the piece stated, "The new art doesn't address any of the underlying issues about ethics, exploitation, and corporate greed".

To be fair, the art on most food items doesn't address any of the underlying issues about anything, much less issues about ethics, exploitation, and corporate greed.  Have you ever seen a box of Sugar Smacks?  It has a stupid frog wearing a hat and a jacket eating a bowl of cereal with a spoon. Who wants to eat something a frog eats? Why would a frog wear a hat and a jacket? Wouldn't it get all wet? Was the hat and jacket made by child laborers in Bangladesh? Does the frog have health insurance? None of these questions are answered by Sugar Smacks, but that's big cereal for you.



In an interesting twist, Ms. Alioto admits that her great grand uncle, Sidney, designed the iconic original package in 1923.  I found this amazing. Because I too have a great grand uncle that was into design.

According to family folklore, my great grand uncle Zellbert Manis created the design for the moonshine jug.  It was his idea to put XXX on the jugs.

Somehow, this admission by Ms. Alioto doesn't get her banished from the cool kid's table. She makes a credible defense of Uncle Sidney. She says his design was about joy and not animal cruelty. Too bad she wasn't in the boardroom when PETA came to town.

However, she decides to spin off from the silliness of the new design to placate a bunch goofballs because, hey, this is Vox and there has to be something more terribly wrong.

She says, "the symbolic significance of changing the animal cracker box design does little to dismantle the elements of capitalism that exploit animals, people, and the environment".

Dismantling the elements of capitalism that exploits animals, people, and the environment is a pretty tall order for a box of crackers.

For example,  the former head of Mondelez, the company that now owns Nabisco, made 402 times the amount as their median worker.  Ms. Alioto doesn't specify how much more the head of Mondelez is supposed to make over the median worker.  But, you know, it is just not fair for a CEO to make more money than a guy on the cracker line.

However, she doesn't say anything positive about the capitalism that allowed Uncle Sydney to get a job and to create a design that lasted 95 years.

She continues, "I don’t believe that what PETA’s animal cracker box campaign has done is censorship, but I do believe it places an unfair burden on an artist’s contribution without addressing any of the deeper ethical issues in play." 

Of course, it is a type of censorship. It is the type called "shaming".  It is to elevate Uncle Sydney's creation to the level of other anachronistic icons of brands like Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben when it clearly is not.

Ms. Alioto has discovered that some of the campaigns of the left are crackers.

This Week's Picks: Week 1

Well, looky here.

It is time for the start of our favorite professional sport, college football.

Down here in Georgia (pronounced "Jawja"), we had a really unusual summer. The forecast of every day was 100 percent chance of rain with an 89 percent chance of air to ground lighting with a 60 percent chance of Gabriel's Trumpet blowing and calling all of  God's children home.  When it wasn't raining, the temperature was 100 degrees with a humidity level of 4 billion. If you walked to the mailbox, you were soon covered in sweat.  Other than that it was very pleasant

The big news in the offseason was Urban Meyer's troubles at THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY IN THE STATE OF OHIO.

One of his coaches engages in domestic violence, really nasty stuff. This coach has taken pictures of his, er, member in various places, like The White House.

Of course, Urban handled this with his typical grace and aplomb.

First, he lied in saying he had no knowledge of this coach's personal life. Then he denied knowing the coach. Then he denied that he was the head coach of THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY Buckeyes.

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY has suspended Meyer for three WHOLE games. How will he live with himself?

What is it with some major college football coaches?  They are disloyal to their players, schools, and fans (see Bobby Petrino) but weirdly loyal to their assistant coaches even when there is something seriously wrong (see Joe Paterno).

Oh well, I guess we don't have to worry about THE OHIO STATE playing in this year's playoffs.

This week's picks!


Dawgies vs Tee-tee:  Georiga missed out becoming the 2017 National Championship because Alabama's second-string quarterback was better than Alabama's first-string quarterback. Which could only happen to Georgia. Georgia is starting their season off with Austin Peay. Austin Peay is a university in Clarksville, Tennessee that is "large enough to offer you a broad range of educational and social options, but small enough to treat you as an individual".   Their cheer is "GO PEA!"  Get it?  Their most famous alumni is  Bob Harper, the trainer on The Biggest Loser.  UGA wins!

Bamy vs Loserville:  Give Alabama credit-they usually start the season with a high profile game. Despite the fact that he is a pretty lousy individual, Bobby Petrino usually has a very good team. It is just that Bama is bigger, stronger, and faster than everybody on earth. The biggest question in T-town is the quarterback position. Will Saban stick with Jalen Hurts, his senior quarterback or go with Tua Tagovailoa?  Sportswriters on the Bama beat hope it is Hurts simply because his last name is easier to spell. I wouldn't be surprised to see Saban start Hurts and then yank him at the first sign of trouble to get Hurts back for the chippy remarks in training camp.  Bama wins!

Bees vs Corny State: Tech begins another year being Tech. Which means we really don't know if they are going to be good or not.  It appears the ACC has figured out the Triple Option. Last year, the Tech defense rose to the level of mediocrity. They have five games in September. They should at least win two. The Alcorn State game will be one of them.  Tech wins!

Meechigan vs Our Lady:  Michigan and Notre Dame. Two of the most iconic names in college football. Fans galore. But something always happens on the way to January.  Jim Harbaugh has been, well, underwhelming to say the least. Notre Dame is ranked higher than Michigan right now.  I'm going with Notre Dame just to see what it feels like to say that.   Notre Dame wins!


My Beloved Owls vs The Georgia State University:  Kennesaw State went deep into the FCS playoffs last year.  Georiga State went to its first bowl game last season.  I'm even seeing trash talk on Twitter. Wow, things have changed. I would love to see Kennesaw State win, but I've never seen them in a game with a team from a higher conference.  Georgia State wins

More Questions For Bernie

Did you happen to see The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the other night?

I didn't either. I jumped off the Colbert train a long time ago. He's funny in spurts. Unfortunately, it is an hour show. He has neither Fallon's boyish charm, Letterman's wit, or Carson's presence. He is just, how would the French say, just meh?

Colbert started going up in the ratings when La Resistance discovered he would tell crude jokes about President Orange.  Since then, Colbert has been all TRUMP SUCKS ALL THE TIME and it gets old.

Speaking of old, Bernie Sanders showed up and lo and behold Colbert had some "tough" questions for him. Tough being a relative term. Compare it to Letterman's grilling of Trump a few years ago (Trump complains about the lack of manufacture jobs in America and Letterman hands him one of the Trump ties sold at Macy's and asks where it was made) and it is pretty vanilla. But in today's climate you got to take what you can get.

Sanders is "officially" an Independent who caucuses with the Democrats but identifies himself as a "Democratic Socialist", which makes him the perfect candidate for The Woke Generation.

Colbert asked what it means to be a Democratic Socialist.  Sanders replied:
  

 " Well, I think it means, among other things, that if you work 40 hours a week in the wealthiest country in the history of the world, you should be earning a living wage, 15 bucks an hour. It means that we end the international disgrace of the United States being the only major country on Earth not to guarantee health care to all people as a right while we end up spending twice as much per capita on health care as any other major nation. It means that we understand that the future of this country are our young people, and that it is insane that hundreds of thousands of bright young kids cannot afford to go to college because of the income of their families, and many others are leaving school deeply in debt, and we’re going to make public colleges and universities tuition free. And it means that its global citizens, people understand we have a moral obligation to leave a healthy planet to our children and grandchildren. We’re gonna stand up to Trump, and we’re going to transform our energy system in this country away from fossil fuel to energy efficiency, and sustainable energys*. That’s what it means.”

Of course, Colbert did not ask any follow up questions. For example: Why stop at $15 bucks an hour?  You just earn a "living wage" whatever that is. Why not ask for $20 dollars an hour for a "comfortable wage"?  Are you afraid of people being comfortable?

What is the international disgrace: being the only major country without guaranteed health care as a right or the spending twice as much per capita on health care as any other nation?  Explain how guaranteeing it as a right would control the costs. You can use the term "panels" to decide what controls to use to control the cost.

Median family income has increased by 22% from the years 1970 to 2010. The tuition at public colleges rose by over 200%.  Do you find it odd that the cost rose in conjunction with federal government involvement with "student loans"?  Or is just more expensive to create the next generation of socialists?

You said "We (is there a mouse in your pocket, Senator?) are gonna stand up to Trump and transform our energy system from fossil fuel to energy efficiency and sustaniable energies"  What does that mean?  Solar? Wind? An engine fueled by water?  How long will this take and how much will it cost?

Sanders pointed out to Colbert that their ideas "almost without exception" are mainstream ideas supported by a vast majority of the American people.  Sanders didn't offer a poll or a study to back up his assertions that a vast majority of American people want what he happens to offer. He just throws it out there like it is as plain as the nose on your face. Who wouldn't want free healthcare, free college, and really cheap energy?  Except, when you get down to the nitty-gritty, people may want a little more information.  They may like the idea of "free college" for themselves but not for everybody else, especially when they see the price tag.

I would also like Sanders to answer some questions about dissent.

Everybody is in favor of dissent when they are out of power. As President, what would you do to insure Ben Shapiro can give a speech at a college without needing police protection?  Do you see any difference between Shapiro and Richard Spencer?

Those are just some questions I think Sanders should answer. After all, he may just luck out and win.

It has happened before.

*This was the spelling of the plural of energy in the transcript.  Don't blame me.

What I've Learned

It is that time of year again!  Time for Alanfest!

What is Alanfest?  Alanfest is the celebration of my birthday, which is August 9th. That makes me a Leo.  I have absolutely no personality "traits" a "Leo" is supposed to have, but that's astrology for you.  Family size, genetics, socio-economic conditions, etc have no effect on your personality. Your personality is determined by the stars based on the day you were born. Or something like that.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Alanfest.

Before you run to Twitter and start commenting how stupid it is for people to be celebrating their birthdays for weeks, you need to know I've been having Alanfest for over twenty-seven years, so I've been stupid for a long time.

I started Alanfest when I worked at the insurance company Snoopy Life ("We Dog You Out" was our motto).  August was a slow time back then and I thought what better way to liven things up than by having people bring food to the office.  I was always in favor of people bringing food to the office. In my work experience, you could bring a loaf of moldy white bread and put it on a table in the break room at 9:00 and by 9:10 you would see people walking around the office eating the bread.

This is going to be my 59th birthday, one more year until I really become OLD.

I still feel kind of young. I still have all of my teeth and my hair. My hair is still basically the same color it has always been, with a touch of gray here and there.  I still like to drink Frozen Cokes. I have a jug of chocolate milk in the refrigerator. It is the whole chocolate milk and not that low-fat kind. I know; I'm living on the edge.


However, this year, I have felt the rap of the fist of Father Time.

For most of the year, I've been dealing with something called Plantar Fasciitis. This causes my heel and ankle to hurt. I guess this is what I have because I have been using something called The Internet to self-diagnose. It is cheaper than going to the doctor.

I've been trying to treat it myself and it is better. Plantar Fasciitis has caused me to walk around like Walter Brennan. I've learned a lot of people have forgotten about Walter Brennan and my hobbling around saying "Dang nab-bit, Luke" doesn't help.

Here are some other things I've learned in 59 years.

• Everybody is beautiful, in their own way, as Ray Stevens sang
• Millennials have never heard of Ray Stevens, but he was a really funny songwriter. Also, they would freak out over "Ahab The Arab".
• Everybody, however, is weird, in their own way too
• Life is not fair
• Whoever told you it is was lying to you.
• People who are obsessed with height, looks, race, money, etc, take all of the joy out of everything.
• Dogs, no matter what anybody says, would probably come forward at the hymn of invitation in most Baptist churches and give their right paw in Christian fellowship.
• Cats, on the other hand, are mostly agnostic, except for my cat Gracie who is probably an Episcopalian. Don't ask me how I know this.
• Pluto was once a planet. Now it is not.  But, Uranus is still a planet. I don't remember having a vote on this.
• When Elvis, The Beatles, Dylan, The Rolling Stones, Eagles, Elton John, et.al were really great, they were really great. 
• Men will lie about the pain they experienced from vasectomies. To a man, they will always say, "I just put some ice on it."  Then you talk to their wives and find out they went on disability for six months.
• Speaking of which, science has really stepped up its game when it comes to male performance issues. Speaking as a man WHO HAS NO PROBLEM, it is good to know there is something out there for my brothers that do.
• You can find out a lot about people by how they treat a waitress.
• Big time college football coaches care about one thing: winning. We always seem so surprised when we learn this.
• Everybody judges. Don't act like you don't.
• When somebody says someone else is being divisive they mean, the other person should just shut up and not disagree with them.
• When somebody says they want a dialogue, they don't. They want a monologue and guess who is talking. (Hint: it is not you.)
• I give people three marriages before I judge them. One for getting married too young. Two, for getting married off the rebound. Three, for finally marrying the right person. After that, I think we've found the person causing the problem.
• Never trust a red-headed woman who wears black underwear. Don't ask me how I know this.