What I've Learned

It is that time of year again!  Time for Alanfest!

What is Alanfest?  Alanfest is the celebration of my birthday, which is August 9th. That makes me a Leo.  I have absolutely no personality "traits" a "Leo" is supposed to have, but that's astrology for you.  Family size, genetics, socio-economic conditions, etc have no effect on your personality. Your personality is determined by the stars based on the day you were born. Or something like that.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Alanfest.

Before you run to Twitter and start commenting how stupid it is for people to be celebrating their birthdays for weeks, you need to know I've been having Alanfest for over twenty-seven years, so I've been stupid for a long time.

I started Alanfest when I worked at the insurance company Snoopy Life ("We Dog You Out" was our motto).  August was a slow time back then and I thought what better way to liven things up than by having people bring food to the office.  I was always in favor of people bringing food to the office. In my work experience, you could bring a loaf of moldy white bread and put it on a table in the break room at 9:00 and by 9:10 you would see people walking around the office eating the bread.

This is going to be my 59th birthday, one more year until I really become OLD.

I still feel kind of young. I still have all of my teeth and my hair. My hair is still basically the same color it has always been, with a touch of gray here and there.  I still like to drink Frozen Cokes. I have a jug of chocolate milk in the refrigerator. It is the whole chocolate milk and not that low-fat kind. I know; I'm living on the edge.


However, this year, I have felt the rap of the fist of Father Time.

For most of the year, I've been dealing with something called Plantar Fasciitis. This causes my heel and ankle to hurt. I guess this is what I have because I have been using something called The Internet to self-diagnose. It is cheaper than going to the doctor.

I've been trying to treat it myself and it is better. Plantar Fasciitis has caused me to walk around like Walter Brennan. I've learned a lot of people have forgotten about Walter Brennan and my hobbling around saying "Dang nab-bit, Luke" doesn't help.

Here are some other things I've learned in 59 years.

• Everybody is beautiful, in their own way, as Ray Stevens sang
• Millennials have never heard of Ray Stevens, but he was a really funny songwriter. Also, they would freak out over "Ahab The Arab".
• Everybody, however, is weird, in their own way too
• Life is not fair
• Whoever told you it is was lying to you.
• People who are obsessed with height, looks, race, money, etc, take all of the joy out of everything.
• Dogs, no matter what anybody says, would probably come forward at the hymn of invitation in most Baptist churches and give their right paw in Christian fellowship.
• Cats, on the other hand, are mostly agnostic, except for my cat Gracie who is probably an Episcopalian. Don't ask me how I know this.
• Pluto was once a planet. Now it is not.  But, Uranus is still a planet. I don't remember having a vote on this.
• When Elvis, The Beatles, Dylan, The Rolling Stones, Eagles, Elton John, et.al were really great, they were really great. 
• Men will lie about the pain they experienced from vasectomies. To a man, they will always say, "I just put some ice on it."  Then you talk to their wives and find out they went on disability for six months.
• Speaking of which, science has really stepped up its game when it comes to male performance issues. Speaking as a man WHO HAS NO PROBLEM, it is good to know there is something out there for my brothers that do.
• You can find out a lot about people by how they treat a waitress.
• Big time college football coaches care about one thing: winning. We always seem so surprised when we learn this.
• Everybody judges. Don't act like you don't.
• When somebody says someone else is being divisive they mean, the other person should just shut up and not disagree with them.
• When somebody says they want a dialogue, they don't. They want a monologue and guess who is talking. (Hint: it is not you.)
• I give people three marriages before I judge them. One for getting married too young. Two, for getting married off the rebound. Three, for finally marrying the right person. After that, I think we've found the person causing the problem.
• Never trust a red-headed woman who wears black underwear. Don't ask me how I know this.