Your 2024 GOP Candidates

 

 

Yes, the first of the 2024 GOP candidate debates was held last week on Fox News (Motto: "Tucker? Tucker Who?").

I did not watch the debates because I am old (raise your hand if you are old), and I can't stay up past 10:00 and work the next day unless I drink 400 Red Bulls.  

However, I've read the Op-Ed pieces and Twitter (Or X or whatever Elon calls it these days), and I have a pretty clear picture of the candidates.

Here are my thoughts on the candidates.

 

 

Asa Hutchinson: The former governor of Arkansas. Trump talks about making America great again. I dream of an America where Arkansas is not a stepping stone to The White House. He's been an US attorney, a Congressman, and the governor of Arkansas. This means he is totally unqualified to be the nominee of the Republican Party.  For the record, "Asa" is a gender neutral name of Hebrew origin meaning "Sooey, Pig-Pig".

 

Doug Burgum:  He is the current governor of North Dakota and possesses the best eyebrows in politics. Biggest problem (besides being from North Dakota) is nobody can picture a President Doug.

 

 

Tim Scott:  Senator from South Carolina. He seems like a nice guy, which means he'll come in last. He's not married, but he doesn't have the hint of mint that Lindsey Graham has.

Chris Christie:  Former Governor of New Jersey. Yes, I predicted he would become President in 2016, so I was wrong, big deal. Christie has made it his mission to take out Donald Trump, making him the second most evil man on the planet to the MAGA folks. Don't fall asleep on Christie because he might just steal your lunch. (I just had to get in a gratuitous fat joke.)

 

 

Mike Pence: Former Vice President of The United States. He is the most evil man in MAGA land because he wouldn't be Trump's friend and do whatever cockamamie idea Trump had on January 6th. He's not the most exciting guy around. He lost the 2020 Vice Presidential debate because he had a fly on his head.

 

 

Nikki Haley: Former Governor of South Carolina. From the news clips I saw, Nikki Haley looked like the next President of The United States.  She scolded Vivek Ramaswamy like a mom catching a teenager coming in past curfew. Do you think Joe Biden could handle that?

 

  

Ron DeSantis:  Governor of Florida. It looked like he would be the alternative to Trump, then things started to sputter. He's young and intelligent and seemed to be the only person in America (besides Brian Kemp) who knew how to handle the pandemic. He looks just a tad bit weird, but he's got a hot wife.

 

Vivek Ramaswamy. Millennial Millionaire Tech entrepreneur. He's 38 years old and looks like he can still throw a Frisbee around the Quad with his bros after he downs a few brewskis. He seemed to dominate the Debate despite not knowing what he was talking about. (I'm not sure where he picked that up from.) You can tell VIVEK IS SO JACKED OVER HIS PERFORMANCE. Just wait until Donnie starts showing up at the Debates and starts calling Vivek "Vay-Vay" or "Va-Yeech" or just "Junior," and Vivek will fold like a cheap suit. 

Donald Trump:  Despite the main reason that the GOP has lost three elections, many people in The GOP think he walks on water. Oh yeah, he has been indicted four times. This has made him more popular than before. He thinks the 2024 election will be about the 2020 election. If he loses again, he will say it is because the other side cheated. You can take that to the bank