Eat More Chicken

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

We have a winner for probably the most insulting and also the stupidest article written in 2018.  In fact, it may win for the dumbest opinion piece of the decade and very well possibly could be the winner of this century.

It is "Chick-fil-A's Creepy Infiltration of  New York City" in this week's New Yorker magazine by Dan Piepenbring. Here it is for your reading enjoyment. https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-gastronomy/chick-fil-as-creepy-infiltration-of-new-york-city/amp

Where to begin? Let's start with these words underneath the picture of the Chick-fil-A on Fulton Street.  "Chick-fil-A’s corporate purpose begins with the words “to glorify God,” and that proselytism thrums below the surface of its new Fulton Street restaurant."

Yes, below the surface of the Chick-fil-A on Fulton Street, little Southern Baptists are scheming to take over The Big Apple one chicken biscuit at a time. Pretty soon, you won't be able to enter the restaurant without being subjected to children doing Bible Sword Drills. The horror!

Piepenbring says, "New York has taken to Chick-fil-A. One of the Manhattan locations estimates that it sells a sandwich every six seconds, and the company has announced plans to open as many as a dozen more storefronts in the city. And yet the brand’s arrival here feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism. Its headquarters, in Atlanta, are adorned with Bible verses and a statue of Jesus washing a disciple’s feet. Its stores close on Sundays. Its C.E.O., Dan Cathy, has been accused of bigotry for using the company's charitable wing to fund anti-gay causes, including groups that oppose same-sex marriage."

Let me translate this for you.  "Pervasive Christian traditionalism" means Southern White Evangelicalism and that means fat white people, which are totally ick. "Groups that oppose same-sex marriage" means the people that haven't gotten with it and disregarded their religious beliefs or as I like to put it: the people that believe what Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama believed in those dark ages of 2008.

Piepenbring really dislikes the Chick-fil-A Cows, even though they are popular. He says, "If the restaurant is a megachurch (note: a part of his thesis is Chick-fil-A is one big megachurch), the Cows are its ultimate evangelists.

This Piepenbring statement sounds like it was written for The National Lampoon in the seventies.

"It’s worth asking why Americans fell in love with an ad in which one farm animal begs us to kill another in its place. Most restaurants take pains to distance themselves from the brutalities of the slaughterhouse; Chick-fil-A invites us to go along with the Cows’ Schadenfreude."

I don't know why Americans fell in love with the ad.  Maybe because they were funny? Americans like bovines that can't spell.

Additionally, it is not like the Cows are driving the chickens to the slaughterhouse. They are just trying to increase their odds of living.

I'm not sure if Mr. Piepenbring has ever been on a farm. I have. Every farm animal I've ever met would definitely beg to have another killed in its place.  They're just that way.

Mr. Piepenbring continues to sound the alarm bells: "Its arrival in the city augurs worse than a load of manure on the F train".  Maybe it is just me, but I think having a homeless population that bathes in the city's fountains and European sex slaves parading around Times Square with paint on their bare breasts augurs worse.  But then again, maybe I've been brainwashed by Chick-fil-A's frosted coffee.

Piepenbring says, "According to a report by the Center for an Urban Future, the number of chain restaurants in New York has doubled since 2008, crowding out diners and greasy spoons for whom the rent is too dear. Chick-fil-A, meanwhile, is set to become the third-largest fast-food chain in the nation, behind only McDonald’s and Starbucks. No matter how well such restaurants integrate into the “community,” they still venerate a deadening uniformity"

Why in the world would New Yorkers want a nice clean restaurant when they could have a diner or greasy spoon with a C grade slapped on the window?

Piepenbring actually acknowledges there could be another point of view regarding Chick-fil-A.

"Defenders of Chick-fil-A point out that the company donates thousands of pounds of food to New York Common Pantry, and that its expansion creates jobs. The more fatalistic will add that hypocrisy is baked, or fried, into every consumer experience—that unbridled corporate power makes it impossible to bring your wallet in line with your morals. Still, there’s something especially distasteful about Chick-fil-A, which has sought to portray itself as better than other fast food: cleaner, gentler, and more ethical, with its poultry slightly healthier than the mystery meat of burgers. Its politics, its décor, and its commercial-evangelical messaging are inflected with this suburban piety"


Here's a news flash: every fast food place tries to portray itself as better than other fast food. You would never hear McDonald's say, "Yeah, we know it is crap, but it is quick crap"

But, I will give it to Mr. Piepenbring.  I never realized the decor of Chick-fil-A was inflected with suburban piety.  Those Chick-fil-A people are sneaky and we are lucky to have Mr. Piepenbring alert us about them.

He finishes the article with a flourish.  "A representative of the Richards Group once told Adweek, “People root for the low-status character, and the Cows are low status. They’re the underdog.” That may have been true in 1995 when Chick-fil-A was a lowly mall brand struggling to find its footing against the burger juggernauts. Today, the Cows’ “guerrilla insurgency” is more of a carpet bombing. New Yorkers are under no obligation to repeat what they say. Enough, we can tell them. NO MOR.

True, New Yorkers are under no obligation to "repeat what they say".  I have no idea what Mr. Piepenbring is referring to here. He didn't tell us-he was too busy pointing out the schadenfreude of the Cows.  Nobody is making New Yorkers go to Chick-fil-A.  I've been to New York several times and I can assure you there are plenty of places to eat that are not inflected with suburban piety.

Mr. Piepenbring, come on over to the dark side. We have chicken minis.