This Week's Picks and The Force Awakens

Again, I am forced by my adoring public to address an issue.


The issue:  Why do I like Verne Lundquist?








Answer: Verne Lundquist is a great man, even if what he is describing on the field is not exactly what is showing up on the screen.


There is a meme going around that says: "The only two men in the world (Picture of Verne and his television partner Gary Danielson) that can make grown men mute their TV and listen to their wife during The Big Game!"


If I have seen that meme once, I have seen it a thousand times, mainly posted by Alabama fans. The reason for this is unclear, except that maybe Verne is not nearly reverential enough when it comes to The Crimson Tide.


One person noted that if a woman looked like Verne, she wouldn't be on TV. I have five words in response: Whoppi Goldberg and Joy Behar. They are on TV much more than Uncle Verne.


This week's picks!




The Big Bad Bees vs  Cavies:  In case you didn't know, Georgia Tech beat Florida State on a blocked field goal. If you didn't know, you must not know any Tech fans and all I got to say is: lucky you. I kid, I kid.  I am happy that Tech won and that the Jinx is now history.  Virginia is having a Virginia type of year. Yes, I still have the Virginia t-shirt that when I wear it my rippling muscular body hides the "ia" and people asked me why I am wearing a "Virgin" shirt.  Tech wins and the Jinx is goes back to Jinx land.


Old Mess vs Wartigers:  You never know if you are going to get the good Ole Miss  (beats Bama and TAMU) or bad Ole Miss. Auburn is having one of those years where it can't have nice things.  Ole Miss wins.


Texas State vs Georgia Southern:  Georgia Southern is having another Thursday night game because Thursday is the state of the weekend in Statesboro. The average weekend in Statesboro is from Thursday night to Tuesday morning. Texas State is 2-4 this year, which simply proves that I do know how to use the internet. The Eagles probably lost their chance at a bowl game. They will take their frustrations out against the Bobcats. Georgia Southern wins.


Pups vs Lizards: Well, well, well. Another Halloween, another UGA-UF Hey Let's Get Drunk and Play Fooball. At the beginning of the year, I had a W placed by this game. No way. UGA just isn't that good this year. Florida wins.


The Mighty Hooters vs  I Got Your Owls Right Here:  The Owls lost to the Fighting Falwells last week. They return home to face another Big South Conference opponent Monmouth University, which is in that Deep South state of New Jersey. It is a fairly large school, whose  motto is this: "O quid spectatis?" (Hey, what are you looking at?)  The force doesn't feel right with this one. Monmouth wins.

This Week's Picks and The Goblet of Fire

You thought Mark Richt was going to have a bad week.


A gentleman by the name of Steve Sarkisian was the coach of The University of Southern California Trojans.  The key word in the previous sentence: "was". The New York Daily News reports Coach Sarkisian had a little drinking problem, if you define "drinking problem" as  ordering "91 shots of tequila during two visits to a restaurant, racking up a $1,023 bill."  That's a lot of tequila, Sheila.


Needless to say, USC has fired Sarkisian, especially now it appears he was three sheets in the wind during USC's victory over Arizona State a couple of weeks ago. 


Which brings me back to Coach Richt. If anyone needs to drink in self defense it is Mark Richt.  After last week, I wouldn't be surprised to see Coach Cutie Pie strolling along the sidelines carrying a jug with "XXX" written on it.

This week's picks!


Pitiful Puppies vs Moosuri:  For the third straight season in a row, the best player on the Georgia Bulldogs had a devastating injury that not only took him out of the game, but out of the season. Georgia has lost two games in a row and it is not clear how many more they can win. You never know which Missouri team will show up: the one UGA can beat or the one they can't beat. Mark Richt better hope the bad Missouri team shows up.  UGA wins.


Buzzed vs The Pitts: If you have been following along, you know that there is a controversy about This Week's Picks being a jinx on Georgia Tech.  In fact, one vocal reader always accuses me of being a jinx.   After the Clemson game, which I picked Tech to lose, it suddenly hit me who the Georgia Tech Jinx was: it was this reader!  My evidence: last year this reader did not have Tech season tickets and Tech won the Coastal Division of the ACC.  This year, this reader bought season tickets and Tech is 2-4 and is in last place in the Coastal Division of the ACC.  So it follows that this reader is The Georgia Tech Jinx.  Look you can't argue with math and settled science. Oh yeah, the game. Pitt wins.


Bamy vs Aggie: What should you do if you find three Alabama fans buried up to their necks in cement? Get more cement. Ha, ha. Just a little college humor, for fun. Say, did you hear about the small two seater airplane that crashed in a cemetery near the Texas A&M campus early this morning? So far, the Aggie fire department has recovered 300 bodies.  Tough one to pick, but my one rule is I never pick against Satan Saban.   Bama wins.


Meechigan State vs Meechigan:  Michigan football is back and it is a good thing too because they had to disband the water polo team due to the horses drowning. Michigan State has been winning too, but they haven't been as impressive. If Michigan loses, Jim Harbaugh will kill some people. I'm going with Michigan. Michigan wins.


Reptiles vs Ellesyou:  Oh great, Florida is back too. Which reminds me of this great joke: Why can't they put on a live Nativity scene at Christmas at the University of Florida? Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.  Welcome back, Gators, but I'm thinking the chomping will be done by LSU. LSU wins.


The Mighty Hooters vs Another Type of Bulldog:  Our beloved Owls began their Big South Conference play in this game against Gardner-Webb, the only Baptist institution of higher learning named after Ava Garner and Jack Webb.  The Running Bulldogs are 2-3 for the year, but they have played a tougher schedule than The Owls. This is where we see how good The Owls really are. This is when I have to invoke the Lewis Grizzard rule. He once told me (really) "Always bet with  your head and not your heart".  I would love to see Kennesaw State win, but they won't. Gardner-Webb wins.

This Week's Picks and The Temple of Doom

Look, I didn't buy the hype for a minute.

I knew Georgia was going to lose to Alabama. Georgia always loses to Alabama. I think it is somewhere in the Bible that Georgia must lose to Alabama.

So it was a given that Coach Cutie Pie (Mark Richt) would have a terrible Monday, mainly because it was the day of his call in radio show. The blog, Dawg Nation reports this:

"A man, apparently a surgeon, called into Mark Richt’s radio show on Monday, saying he was a leader like Richt, only in the operating room. There are times, the man said, that he has a “complete debacle in my job,” just as Richt did on Saturday, forcing himself to ask what happened. So what questions, he wanted to know, does it force Richt to ask himself?"

The first question I would have asked: Why did I take this call?

 The second question I would have asked: Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever died during a Georgia debacle. How many have died during any of your debacles?

 The third question I would have asked: You realize that I am leading 18 to 22 year old nitwits in a game that is based on speed and strength while you are leading credentialed professionals trying to save a life?

This Week's Picks!

Water Logged Poochies vs Bad Orange:  This is a must game for both teams. Tennessee is one of those teams that would stop to help you fix a flat tire and somehow managed to set your car on fire. Meanwhile, Coach Butch Jones has supposedly hit a player causing one wit to call him "Rocky Top Balboa".  We learned that UGA is not First Class like Bama, but they sure ain't whatever class Tennessee is now. UGA wins.

Stung vs Good Orange: Lost in the UGA train wreck was the absolute cluster fudge Tech game. Tech lost another game they should have won which makes up for last year when they won games they should have lost. I was banned from watching the game by a certain reader who believes I cause Tech to lose by picking them to win. So, I picked them to lose last week and they still lost. For some reason, known only to Georgia Tech graduates, I am the reason Tech is losing. It has nothing to do with Coach Happy Gilmore's play calling or players that can't or won't tackle. You would think that reader would ban Tech and come over here to The Dark Side. We have cookies. Clemson beat Notre Dame and looked awesome sauce in doing it.  Clemson wins.

Went In Dumb Come Out Dumb Too vs The Cluckers: South Carolina couldn't stop Greyson Lambert. You think they can stop Leonard Fournette?  I'm not sure which coach is more insane: Les Miles or Steve Spurrier. I half way expect Spurrier to be in his robe and slippers by halftime. LSU wins.

I hate to say it but I love this man.

The Mighty Hooters vs The Pointers:  My beloved Kennesaw State Owls lost their first game to Dayton the other day. They have a chance of redemption in their first home coming game against Point University which is the alma mater of my niece. Really. Also, the President of Point University once threw me a game winning touchdown pass in a touch football game. Really.  Despite all of that, I must go with my beloved Owls. KSU wins. 

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

The Son Of This Week's Picks

Once again, for the general public, I must go over the rules of This Week's Picks.

One, I like everybody's team and if I don't pick yours to win a game it does not mean I don't like your team.

Two, I actually give some thought about who I am going to pick to win. Okay, it is not a lot of thought. I usually don't consult Vegas, because it is all about the over and under and that stuff bores me for the simple reason I don't understand it. But, I do read a little bit and listen to some sports talk radio.

Listening to sports talk radio is almost always a mistake because the most of the callers are, to put it nicely, insane.

Host: "We have Bob from Emerson."

Bob: "This is Bob from Emerson".

Host: "Yeah, Bob, what do you think about the Georgia-Alabama game?"

Bob: "I think, it seems to me, that Georgia should have beaten Southern One Billion to Nothing and we would have too if Mark Richt wasn't such a homo. I'm going to hang up and listen to your response".

This goes on for hours.

Three, and I cannot say this often enough. I. AM. NOT. A. JINX.  I picked Tech all last year and they won. Now, I pick them for a couple of games and they lose. This, of course, has nothing to do with the quarterback over throwing receivers, defense not tackling, coaching, etc. No, it is my fault.

To be fair, I did coin the term "The Manis Jinx" as a little jokey joke.  I was kidding. I do not have the power to jinx. Anyway, if I had a power, it would be to become invisible, but I'm not going to go into the reasons why.

This Week's Picks!

Dawgs vs Tide:  I know most people think me and Mrs. Picks have a idyllic marriage. We do. However, even the best couples have their ups and downs. The last UGA-Bama game was in 2008 in Athens. I had been looking forward to that game all year. The game happened to fall on the same day as a wedding my wife wanted to attend. I spent a good part of 2008 telling my wife that I did not want to go to this wedding. We compromised: I went to the wedding with my wife. The wedding was being held in Timbuktu in the middle of absolute freaking nowhere. ("Absolute Freaking Nowhere" would have been a good name for a Neil Young album.) By the time we got there, the dialogue between my beloved and I resembled The Wolf of Wall Street.  Long story short: we made it back home for the kick off and Bama killed Georgia. Moral of the story: sometimes it is better to miss the Georgia game. For the first time in forever, Bama is listed as an underdog. I simply don't trust UGA yet. Bama wins!

Bumbled vs Heels of Tar:  Here's my life. I walk into church and someone with a Federal Security Clearance asks me why I picked Tech. I'm beginning to wonder myself. Okay, Bees, here's what you want: North Carolina wins!  I hope you are happy.

Pigs vs Why Me, Lord?:  Last week, Tennessee lost, again, in the last minutes, to a team that they had outplayed. On the internet, various reasons were offered, most centering around Butch Jones being a retard. Arkansas is not doing too well either but for a fat guy, Coach Bret Bielema has a hot wife. I just think it is Arky's day. Maybe they'll show his wife at the game. Arkansas wins!

This is what it means to "outkick your coverage"

Our Lady vs Orange Tiger:  Pope Francis was in Philadelphia last Sunday and the Eagles won. That has nothing to do with this game, but it looks like this is one of those years we are going to have to listen to how great Notre Dame is.  The stereotypical ethnic types with anger issues win!

The Return of This Week's Picks

Maybe you don't remember but a couple of years ago I discontinued "This Week's Picks" in my blog because I noticed most of my blogs were about college football.

That would not be a bad thing if I actually knew anything about college football. I don't. I simply like to goof on college football.

But I wanted to write on other subjects and I didn't want to be tied down to writing on one subject each week until December. I had this epiphany:  I only have one subject to write about for each week until December. That's great. I don't have to sit around and wait for a topic to strike me.

Here are a couple of the rules about "This Week's Picks" for those that are new to the scene.

The picks are for college football games only and are strictly for entertainment purposes. If you bet the mortgage based on anything I write, you need some serious medication.

I give all of the teams comedic names and I make fun of every school. This does not mean I "hate your team". I don't know your team. I assume that they all would make very fine trustees at the county jail, Dawgnation. Ha, ha, See? I do not hate the University of Georgia. The Bulldogs are my team. I'm just proud we are four weeks into the college football season and not a single Bulldog has been convicted of a felony.

This Week's Picks!

The Stung vs Dookies:  One more thing about "This Week's Picks". A certain reader on Facebook (where I've posted TWP for the past two years) who shall remain nameless regularly accuses me of picking Georgia Tech to win in order to "jinx them". Even if I had the power to "jinx", why would I "jinx" Tech? They are my fourth favorite team in the state behind The Owls, Georgia Southern and UGA. All I know about Tech is just when they are ready to really become a presence in College Football, they tend to lose a game they shouldn't, like to Notre Dame. Anyway, both schools are 2-1, I just think Tech is better. Tech wins!  JINX!

Rocky Topped vs Lizards: It is time to premier a new feature on TWP called "Tennessee Jokes".  Did you hear that the University of Tennessee President's home was burned down? Yup, bout took out the whole trailer park. At one time Tennessee versus Florida would be THE GAME, but now it is just two schools trying to get better. Tennessee has been trying longer. Tennessee wins!

The Other Bulldogs vs We Can't Have Nice Things:  If there has been a pleasant surprise to this college football season it is that both Alabama and Auburn both lost on the same Saturday. If that doesn't prove the existence of God, I don't know what will.  The wheels look like they have come off at Auburn. They almost lost to Jacksonville State, which 99 per cent of the sports watching world thinks is in Florida. Auburn has just lost their confidence. To which everyone says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Mississippi State wins! 

Ben's Team vs The Taters:  For some reason, the University of Idaho is in The Sun Belt conference. This means Georgia Southern has to travel all the way to Moscow, Idaho.  The Number One restaurant on Trip Advisor in Moscow, Idaho is "Buy The Dozen", a donut shop. You can't get information like that any place else. Eagles GATA and donuts. Eagles win!

The Mighty Hooters vs Daydum: Here it is three games into the season and my beloved Kennesaw State Owls are still undefeated. We're going to Dayton, Ohio. I've been to Dayton. I spent a week there one day. All through the day, the hours rushed by. I sat in the park and watched the grass die. Or was that Toledo? Anyway, I just have a funny feeling that my Owls are going to come up short. Dayton wins.  JINX ON DAYTON! 

Next Question

Here it is again, time for another debate. Here's what I would ask the candidates.


Donald Trump: Mr. Trump, you described Dr. Ben Carson as an "O.K. doctor". Did you know that he was a neurosurgeon? Do you know what a neurosurgeon is?  Did you know that he was the head of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University? Did you know he has hired more than one nurse? In what way does using Kelo v. City of New London to obtain real estate better qualify someone for the Presidency than neurosurgery?


Ben Carson:  Dr. Carson, you seem like such a low key, laid back guy. Would you ever consider drinking a Monster energy drink?


Jeb Bush:  Governor Bush, shouldn't your campaign posters read "JEB?" instead of "JEB!"?  Have you ever thought about changing your last name?


Mike Huckabee: On a personal note, Governor, thank you for the Cracker Barrel gift cards you gave us in 2012.  Can God create a rock so heavy he can't pick up?


Scott Walker: Governor,  I mean, really, you have one year left remaining in school. Haven't you heard of The University of Phoenix?


Carly Fiorina: Ms. Fiorina, er, I missed a punch clocking in last week so my time card is missing four hours, so can you fix that? Also, I'm putting in a PTO request for next week, would that be okay? There's donuts in the break room--you want one?


Rand Paul:  Senator Paul, did you know you look like one of my brother in laws? How come I've never seen you and my brother in law in the same room together?  Are you sure you're not Bill?


Ted Cruz:  Senator, is there any problem facing the United States that shutting down the government won't solve?

John Kasich:  Governor, do you think The Browns made a TERRIBLE mistake in drafting Johnny Manziel?

Marco Rubio:   Senator, you recently made fun of Florida State University. Seeing that you are a graduate of The University of Florida, how many pairs of jean shorts do you own? Would you appoint Steve Spurrier to a high level cabinet post? Growing up, did you your friends ever play "Marco Polo" at the pool but substituted "Rubio" for "Polo"?

Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, Lindsey Graham, and George Pataki:  Why even bother to show up?

Chris Christie: Do you want fries with that?

The Survivors

On the Monday after our son was married, we met some friends of ours for lunch. Bob and Jenny.  Kim and James. We haven't seen Bob and Jenny since George Bush was President. The first one. Bob and Jenny have been everywhere, man, and now they are in Indiana to keep an eye on Jenny's Dad.

Kim and James live in the area, but lives have taken us into different directions. We haven't seen them for about 20 some odd years either. They have three grown children.

We livened up The Marietta Diner that afternoon. It was like we saw each other last week. We caught  up with them and then we do what people our age do: go over our medical histories. That's when you know you are old-you talk about your medical problems.

Bob and Jenny were married when Reagan was President. That's just like yesterday until you look at the calendar.

This past Sunday, we met Marvin and Sharon for lunch.  I'm pretty sure the first George Bush was President when we last saw them too.

Bob and Jenny, Kim and James, Marvin and Sharon, Lori and Alan were all part of a couples Bible study at our church. Every Friday night we met and went through a book to learn how to be a married couple.

I must admit, some nights, we really did intensive Biblical study. On other nights, we kind of rushed through the study to watch "Dirty Dancing" on a VCR. Hey, that was Kim's idea.

One Labor Day Weekend, we decided to go to the mountains and have a camp out. Bob, Jenny, Kim, James and Marvin were the campers in the group. I always could take it or leave it.  Lori did not like to camp because she has "hair issues". Sharon had never been camping. She has never been since.

It was truly a memorable weekend. It was one of those weekends that only those that have experienced it can comment and laugh about. There's a picture of us posted on Facebook.  All of us are much, much younger looking and all of us looked very much in love.

My biggest memory though was going into town with Marvin and Sharon. Back then, The Miss America Pageant was held on Labor Day Weekend. Lori and Sharon began talking about it.

Sharon said, "When I was a little girl, I used to pray that if God would let me win The Miss America Pageant, I would witness for him and give him all of the glory".  Being the sensitive spiritual person I am, I laughed.

I could just see God saying, "Hmmm, you drive a hard bargain, Sharon, but, what the hey, sure I'll let you win The Miss America Pageant."

Our lunch with Marvin and Sharon was like our lunch with Bob and Jenny, Kim and James. It was like we just saw each other last week.

In 2010, Marvin was hit by a truck while out jogging one morning. One month later, Lori was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two separate incidents, obviously, but with one thing in common: they both survived.

When I was thinking about our friends, I was thinking it is neat to point out that we are all still married to our original spouses. I know a lot of folks, unfortunately, that are not.

But that doesn't make us better. I like what Roger Miller said: "A woman and a man, a man and a woman. Some can and some can't. And some can".  It just means we were one of those who could, that's all.

We are survivors.