President Anybody

It is usually around this time I start thinking about the next Presidential election. I know, I know. I'm weird.

In 2006, in my other award winning blog (Alan's Alley), I pointed out that the young Senator from Illinois that introduced Wilco at Farm Aid, just might win the Democratic Party's nomination.  We know what happened after that.

In 2010, I pointed out that Mitt Romney could defeat President Obama and become President Romney. Ok, I'm not  Nostradomus. Evidently, this was a very influential post because Romney thought he could be elected President even after it was learned that Romney might or might not have cut the hair of somebody he went to high school with that could have, maybe, possibly had been Gay.

What is interesting this time around is that the Democrats and Republicans have flipped.

The one quote of Bill Clinton's that I totally believe is historically accurate is "Democrats fall in love; Republicans fall in line". At least in the recent past, it seems that the Republicans have selected as their nominee the guy that came in second the last go around. That's why Republican candidates have had slogans like: "Nixon, I Guess", "Might as Well Be Bush", and "Dole Will Do".

Democrats, on the other hand, like to be swept off their feet by someone "new". At one time, that was Jimmy Carter, which shows you how easy Democrats are.

This time, it is reversed. Former Secretary of State Former First Lady Senator Hillary Clinton appears to the Democratic Party's presumptive nominee. The Republicans do not even have a front runner yet. However, I have taken it upon myself to give a brief synopsis of possible Democratic and Republican candidates. I may just win a genius grant for this.

Hillary Clinton (D) -Strengths: Instant name recognition and many different pantsuit combinations
                                 Weakness: Melts when you throw water on her.

Chris Christie (R) -Strengths:  Governor of a "blue state" and appeals to people that own Bruce Springsteen albums.
                               Weakness:  He is really, really, really, really, really, really fat. According to the latest Gallup Poll, 62% of all Americans would not want Gov. Christie to sit on their lawn furniture.

Jeb Bush (R) -Strengths :  Former Governor of a large state. Exchanged business cards with my wife's boss.
                        Weakness:  Name. Would be the front runner if his last name was "Tush" instead of "Bush", plus he could have gotten ZZ Top to sing his campaign song.

Ted Cruz (R) -Strengths:  Very smart and very principled.
                        Weakness: Everybody hates him.

Rand Paul (R) -Strengths:  Looks like one of my brother in laws. He's a physician so Democrats can't say he is dumb.
                         Weakness: Dear old dad

Paul Walker (R) -Strengths: Governor of another Blue State. Stood up to the Public Employee Unions
                             Weakness: Breath smells like cheese.
         

    

Don't Start Me Talkin'

"We talk real funny down here"
                                                   ~ Randy Newman, "Good Old Boys"

Recently, an article was brought to my attention about "Southern Sayings".

Any good Southern born and corn bread-chicken fried humorist has a stock pile of "Southern Sayings" because it can make a person rich and famous and living in Johns Creek (Jeff Foxworthy). We have our "own way of talking" as Tom Petty said.

However, this article by Christina Sterbernz and Rylan Miller in the October 31, 2013 edition of Business Insider titled 13 Southern Sayings That The Rest of America Would Not Understand is an insult, but I can't quite figure out who they are insulting.

Sterbernz and Miller begin the article: "Language discrepancies naturally arise in different geographic regions, like the raging 'pop' versus 'soda' debate".  I know I'm out of it, but I didn't know there was a debate. You refer to the name of the soft drink by its brand name. For example, if you want a Sprite, you say "I want a Sprite". Not a "pop" or a "soda". Geez, are we going to have to start putting directions on toilet paper?

One time I was at a collegiate Evangelical conference and I was walking around drinking a can of  Sprite. A guy came up to me and said, "Where'd you'd find yer pop?" I just looked at him. Then he pointed at my can of Sprite. We were both the same age raised in the same country, but obviously not the same world.

Sterbernz and Miller take the article down Yahoo creek: "But the South undoubtedly takes the cake". Then they proceed  with 13 wacky Southern sayings and they mustard up all their grey matter to explain these sayings. Number one was, get ready cause this one is wild and mysterious and almost Southern gothic, "We're living in high cotton".

Really, America? You can't understand this saying?  The country that invented "LOL" and "Old School" can not understand "Living in high cotton" without a tutorial?

It doesn't get any better. Number two was "Madder Than a Wet Hen".  Would this really stump a person from Wisconsin if  I told the story about when my mother got madder than a wet hen at me because I didn't do my homework?  Wouldn't they kind of figure it out?

Back when the world and the universe was being introduced to the phenomenon known as Bill Clinton, one of my customers, from Framingham, Massachusetts asked me, in all seriousness, "What's a Bubba?"  I told him it meant "brother". I  really didn't know. I've only known one "Bubba" in my life and I was born on the second floor of Kennestone Hospital.

My problem with the article is that it doesn't really deal with the truly odd Southern sayings. For example, my mother always said, "I swanne to Pete". What's a "swanne" and what does Pete have to do with it?

Simple. Nice women were not suppose to "swear". "Pete" is Saint Peter. Therefore, Southern women would "Swanne" instead of "swear" to "Pete" instead of Saint Peter. It makes all of the sense in the world.

Another thing my mother did was say "Scat" when somebody sneezes. It is not as spiritual as saying "Bless You", but it at least it acknowledges your sneeze. (Why do we have to acknowledge a sneezes anyway?)

At least, Sterbernz and Miller end their list with a truly odd Southern saying: "Catawampus". This is so Southern that a person raised in Marietta, Georgia and vacationed in such garden spots as Johnson City, Tennessee and Grenada, Mississippi never heard it until he started dating his wife, who was born in...Marietta, Georgia.

Something was always "catawampus","wobbyjawed" or "out of whack" at my wife's house. Her dad didn't have colds, he had "the epizootics".  It was like I had parachuted into another country where they looked like me but I didn't know the language.

Of course, an article about Southern language and ways wouldn't be complete without mentioning, as Sternzbernz and Miller did that "bless your heart" is the ultimate Southern passive-aggressive phase. "Why I declare, that Alan is such a slow fellow. Bless his heart. How'd he evah ended up with that cute lil' wife of his, I'll never know. Bless his heart".

I do agree that there are some Southern ladies that are genteel. I call them "Not my relatives". One common trait of all of my relatives is that they believe that their opinion is so correct that you need to be aware of it. The earlier the better. Otherwise, you may not be aware of this great wisdom. Like what my grandmother told my mom after she married my dad, "Well, you went through the forest and picked up a stick." My grandmother felt my mom needed her critique. It is amazing I'm not from a family of bank robbers.

Bless my heart.

Here's a link to the article.http://www.businessinsider.com/southern-sayings-2013-10

The Heart Of The Matter

Like all things in a healthy happy marriage, it started with a suggestion from my wife. "You need to start getting physicals so you won't die", is what I think she said. It was a while ago, after I had turned forty. I didn't argue because I believe the key to any healthy happy marriage is for a husband to obey his wife.


As with most men, I had studiously avoided the doctor for years. It seemed every time I went to the doctor I heard things like "I'm sure you've heard about the grapefruit sized scrotums".  Um, no, I hadn't heard about any organ being measured by any citrus fruit, much less that one.


So, I started going to the doctor for my annual physical. Along with hypertension, high cholesterol, and a really, really, really personal non-life threating medical condition, my doctor found I had an irregular EKG. He asked all of the standard questions about chest pains, shortness of breath and fatigue. I had none of those symptoms. He said we would watch it.


Every year, I would have my physical. Every year he mention my irregular EKG. Chest pains, shortness of breath, yadda, yadda. Nope. I feel fine.


Then one year he wants to refer me for a Cardiac Stress Test. I tell him that I feel fine. He still wants me to go. So I went for my Cardiac Stress Test.


I thought I passed the Cardiac Stress Test with flying colors. However, I got a call from the doctor's office. The test showed signs of Ischemia. Ischemia is not something you want to hear because it can cause you to walk and talk with Jesus. It is the most common cause of death in Western nations. From there, I was referred to a cardiologist.


It is important to note: I felt fine.


I went to see the cardiologist. He asked about chest pains. Nope. Shortness of breath? Nope. Fatigued? Nope. Tingling? Only when my wife wears her Friday Night Sexy Shirt. Exercise? Yes, I exercise at least five days a week.


While he was talking to me, he was looking at my chart. He said, "I don't know. The stress test shows Ischemia. It is right 75% of the time. I'm going to have to do a Cardiac Catheterization". He told me not to exercise "strenuously" because he didn't want me to have an heart attack.


It is important to note: I felt fine.


I went home and did what I usually do when I am confronted with something serious. I started thinking about my own mortality and how unfair it was to be dying of something that didn't even make me feel bad. I remembered my primary care physican saying I had a "wonk wonk wonk wonk" (sometimes I hear the adult from the Charlie Brown cartoons when I don't understand something) that probably caused the irregular EKG. It sounded serious when he told me about it five years earlier. So serious I couldn't even remember what I had. There I was dying from something I didn't even know what it was called. I had images of the coroner standing over the late me and telling his assistants "This man had the worse case of wonk wonk wonk wonk I have ever seen".

While researching Cardiac Catheterizations on the internet, I ran across many articles that were difficult to read mainly because they were written by smart people for smart people.  However, one article said that patients with a "Right Bundle Branch Block" can cause false positives for Ischemia 25% of the time. Although it sounds serious, particularly due to the word "block", it is an electrical defect of the heart and does not decrease life expectancy. It is good to use for getting out of things you don't want to do. "Oh, I would love to help you dig that ditch, but my Right Bundle Branch Block has been acting up again." That's when I remembered that "wonk wonk wonk wonk" was Right Bundle Branch Block. That gave me a 25% chance of not having Ischemia.


Only Could Happen to Alan

The Mayo Clinic describes a Cardiac catheterization as "A long thin tube..inserted in an artery or vein in your groin, neck or arm and threaded..to your heart". Guess where my catheter was inserted?


That's right; it was inserted south of the border. However, before the insertion, that area had to be "prepped", which is medical jargon for "shaved".  This is where the story turns into the alley way of "This could only happen to Alan".


I went into a little room. A nurse told me to remove all my clothing, put on a hospital gown and lie in bed. She handed me a "privacy cloth" that I should place over what clinicians call "Private Parts". She turned around to give me some privacy. She asked if I was covered. I said I was and with that she pulled out industrial sized clippers that they must use to shear sheep when they're not prepping for Heart catheterizations.


She started the prepping and probably in order to help me relax, we started to have a nice little conversation. However, soon we were talking about Tiger Woods and his escapades (this was 2009). Let's just say that she did not take Tiger's side in this incident and I became acutely aware of a woman, with clippers, near the private parts. She stopped for a moment to call for assistance.


In walked the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I went to Wheeler High School in the 70's.  This nurse was Beyond Hot. The nurse with the clippers said "Help me with this" and pointed to the private parts (Yes, that's what she said.)


I need to emphasize that I am crazy in love with my wife and have been faithful to her and our vows during the 27 years of our marriage. However, I started thinking about something that is inappropriate to think about especially when you just have on a privacy cloth. I tried my best to NOT to think about this beautiful nurse.


I really didn't need to worry because whatever lustful, lascivious thought I had was soon replaced by pain because the IV Nurse came in. She taped something on my arm and said "You'll feel a little bee sting". The "bee sting" felt like it was from a bee as big as a horse. It didn't work. "You have small veins." She tried again. Another bee sting from a horse sized bee. She announced she was going to try the other arm. Same thing happened.


Here's the scene: One nurse is mad about Tiger Woods and men in general is shaving me with industrial sized clippers. The pretty nurse is making sure I don't become another statistic. The IV nurse is killing me with bee stings. In walks  The Nurse In Charge of Getting Information. She has one of those comical Southern accents.


It is here I need to remind you of the correct pronunciation of my name: "MAY-nis". It is not "MAN-is" although that's the way it is spelled. To save time, I answer to both pronunciations. This nurse ignored these two pronunciations and came up with her own: "Maine-Ass". Over the buzz of the clippers and the poking of the IV nurse, I hear "ARE YEW ALAN MAINE-ASS?" "Yes". NOW MASTER MAINE-ASS, YEW GONNA HAVE A CARDIAC CATHETERIZATION?"  "Yes".


She asks me a lot of questions. "CHAST PAINS?"  "No." "DAZZINESS?"  "No" FATIGUE,YEW KNOW, FEELIN' TARED?" "No". "NOW WHAY ARE YOU...OH MAH GAH! YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE HAS SPAKED TO OVER 160!"  It was then I made a comment about the clippers and private parts. It made everyone laugh. I was serious.


Through some sort of medical miracle (they left the room) my blood pressure returned to normal. My wife was brought into the room and asked why all of the nurses were laughing. I told her about the pretty nurse because I didn't want that hanging over my head. As usual, my wife was more than understanding about the situation and attributed it to my nerves. She told me that she (the nurse- not my wife) sees hundreds of private parts a day and that mine was just another one. That was supposed to make me feel better.


I finally made it to the Cardiac Cath  Lab and it was cold as ice. I see my doctor washing his hands. A nurse gave me the sedation and asked me if I liked Harry Connick, Jr. The doctor begins the procedure. It seems like it takes minutes. He pronounces me "clear". No Ischemia, just the Right Bundle Branch Block. No need to come in for another appointment. He told me to take Fish Oil pills. Even if I had Ischemia, he would have put in a stent and I would have been fine.


My family was overjoyed. I could go back to living without the fear of dying from something that didn't make me feel bad. It was as close as I've ever come to walking through the Valley of Death until I started taking the Fish Oil pills. Those things will kill you.

Solutions From A Survivor

Let's be clear: if al-Qaeda ever learns how to make ice, the Metropolitan Atlanta area is totally screwed.

We used to worry what would happen if Iran develops nuclear weapons. Now we have to worry what would happen if Iran develops a Sno-Cone Machine.

As a person who somehow survived the Tuesday Ice/Snow Storm, with a full bladder no less, I agree that every response from everyone (Government and Media) was one big phrase that rhymes with "Buster Cluck".

But, I'm not a person interested in the blame game, although it is fun. I know it is great to roast  politicians. It is funny that 32 years ago, nobody was holding George Busbee or Andrew Young responsible for Snow Jam '82 and it was worse, believe or not, than Tuesday. Kasim Reed and Nathan Deal did not invent ice.

There needs to be solutions. Yet, we need to understand the unique situation Metro Atlanta is in . There are 5.5 million people in the Atlanta area. 5.4 million of them are from the North and 5.3 million of them are from the part of the North that brags about their ability to hail a taxi and get a pizza at 3:00 in the morning. It is going to be difficult to scare these people about a "Winter Storm Warning" that might dump two whole inches of snow on the ground. It is not like a Category 5 Hurricane is barreling towards you.

The only fault I have with the Meteorologists is that I don't remember anyone saying that it was going to turn the roads into a sheet of ice. You have all of these officials looking at the News thinking "The Yankees are going to make fun of us. Again."  So instead of being proactive, Government officials just kind of let things happen and it was a mess.

Solution One: Forget what The Transplants will say. If the National Weather Service issues a "Winter Storm Warning" at 3:00 in the morning, cancel school for that day. It's not that hard. Then if nothing happens just remind them of the time children had to spend the night at school.

Solution Two: The media needs to remind people that we do not get snow. We get ice. The TV meteorologists have to say: "We are going to get ice and you cannot drive on it even if you were raised on the North Pole". 

Solution Three: At the first mention of a Winter Storm Warning, everyone needs to put an emergency kit in their cars that includes an auto cell phone charger and a catheter. If not a catheter, a diaper. At the very least, a bucket.

Solution Four: There needs to be a task force. Ha, Ha. Just a joke. Appointing a task force is like proposing we do something about all of these hills around here. DO NOT APPOINT A TASK FORCE.

Solution Five:  The reason so many people "got stuck" is there were many people not wanting to "get stuck". Gov Deal and Mayor Reed should have  had the roads pre-treated instead of having the DOT  official appear on radio and TV blabbing about DOT's "protocol". Pick up the phone and call somebody in a Northern state. Ask what they use to pre-treat  the roads and if they sell it at Sam's Club. Maybe they'll let us borrow some. It would not hurt to ask.

Solution Six: In the immortal words of my Dad, Old Man Manis, our government officials need to act like they have some sense. That means, Mayor Reed, that you don't appear on TV with an Izod jacket on. That means, Gov. Deal, you immediately fire the head of GEMA (Georgia Emergency Management Agency) for not being at work during an emergency with no real explanation except, "Welp, Ah's jus wuntit thar".

Solution Seven: This is for "the media". Atlanta was not lost. It was not like New Orleans. In a true emergency, hopefully there will not be ice on the roads and things will go much smoother. It would also be a big help to not to tell people to stop and "wait it out". That was a prescription for a sleep over at Home Depot.

With these seven solutions, maybe it will be better the next time a snow-ice event hits Atlanta.

Nah. It is a part of our DNA like the pine trees.

My Big Dumb Snowpocalypse Experience

HUMOR ME SPECIAL REPORT

I am a survivor of the snow storm.

The recent weather event reminded me of a "Zombie Apocalypse", except it wasn't nearly as much fun.

I should have left work earlier than I did. It didn't look that bad to me and I thought the roads would be slushy since it has been warm here recently. Wrong.

The snow was not that fluffy "every snowflake is different" snow that you see on television. It looked like remedial snow to me. Not quite sleet, not freezing rain, and not snowy looking.

Where I went wrong was that the temperature dropped, which almost never happens when it snows here. The cars ran over the snow and instead of turning into slush, it turned into ice. This is when the fun began.

Oh yeah, I also went wrong trying to go home at the same time as 5.5 million other people. According to the media and government officials, this was wrong.

So, instead of my usual 15 minute commute from work, it took me 9 hours to get home. I usually start having a stroke when it takes me 25 minutes to get home.

Of course, about 30 minutes into my 9 hour trek home, I got that old familiar feeling. I had to, as us macho guys express it, go TEE-TEE.  I thought of the words my father used to tell us during our trips to either Northeast Tennessee or Mississippi to see our various kin. He used to say, "Boy, you can just hold it". So, I held it for 8 and half more hours.

I was on the same stretch of road, Church Street in Marietta, Georgia, for about 7 hours. I wondered if I would ever see my family again. I was wondering if I would ever see a bathroom again. I kept thinking if I could only relieve myself, this gridlock wouldn't be that bad.

My wife called me and I told her to stay at work. I did not want  her to get stuck somewhere and I didn't want her to walk in the ice and cold. She decided to hitch a ride with her boss from their office in Buckhead, which on a normal sunny 75 degree day is a nightmare. During their trek, they went through Vinings, a la-te-da suburb in Atlanta. Of course, they got stuck. They saw a man get out of his car and make yellow snow on the yard of the million dollar piece of property. Ah, something to tell the grandkids.

I must admit doing that crossed my mind. But I'm a shy fellow and I probably would have been arrested for indecent exposure and peeing without a permit. Plus, they probably would have shot me. Thoughts like these have kept me on the straight and narrow for years.

Besides my bladder, my biggest concern was my gas tank. I had a little over 3 quarters of a tank when I left work. For some reason, running a car for 7 hours drains the gas tank. My thought, that turned into a plan was this: Somehow get to The First United Methodist Church. I would park the car there and walk the four miles home. There is a Waffle House about a half of mile from the church. I could stop there and get some relief.

Then my plan became: get to The First United Methodist Church, park and pee on the ground next to the car. I was thinking of spelling out something uplifting like "Bless You". However, my bladder was so full I could have written "Once Saved, Always Saved".

I finally got on the 120 Loop which meant I was only a good city block from the church and blessed relief.  After another hour, I went only a half of a block. But I noticed a little road that I take to work all the time seemed like it had no gridlock on it at all.

It was Polk Street, the same street I saw Kevin Bacon on a couple of years ago.  There was no back up on it and I was able to zip along. I was able to abort my parking and peeing at the Methodist Church plan and I got home about 30 minutes after I took Polk Street.

It was there I saw the most beautiful sight: my bathroom.

After about an hour, my wife and her boss drove up. She spent about 8 hours on the road.

I thought we had a rough experience, but after seeing the stories of the people stuck in their cars for 16-17 hours, people having to sleep at Home Depot, kids sleeping in the schools, etc, I have come to the conclusion that we had it pretty easy.

Silly Talk

You may have heard the news. The Super Bowl is next Sunday!

It is being held in New York, this year, due to what sports writers call "The NFL Every Now and Then Brain Flatulence". The NFL is the most successful professional athletic venture ever, but sometimes they come up these wacky ideas like having the Super Bowl in cold weather cities like Detroit, Indianapolis and New York.

Another wacky idea that The NFL has is having sideline reporters ask athletes and coaches questions after a game. Usually these reporters are good looking females and they ask the tough questions like "What was going on through your mind when that guy threw that ball thingy to you?"  However, at the end of the NFC championship, FOX Sideline Report Hottie McHotterson Erin Andrews interviewed Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman after Sherman made a game saving defensive play. Here it is if you missed it the first four billion times it was shown.

I did not see this live. I have this thing, called a job, and I like to be semi-awake for it on Monday morning, just in case someone brings in donuts.  However, reaction was swift in the social media world. The main jest of the reaction is that Sherman displayed poor sportsmanship and was not a gracious winner.  Of course, it didn't help things that McHotterson Andrews acted like the mom trying to find out "who started it".

However, I know that this may surprise people, but this didn't bother me at all. Granted, it was graceless, classless and it seems Sherman is preparing for a second career as a WWE wrestler. The horse of Good Sportsmanship has run out of the barn long ago. Dignity is always the first to leave. Sure, I want a world where after a hard fought contest you see the winners and losers shake each others hands and go church to get an ice cream cone. That's just not the world we have.

In any event, was Sherman's rant worse than this?

Number 60 in this picture is Chuck Bednarik. He just tackled Frank Gifford (yes, that one) and was celebrating his tackle. Gifford is unconscious and was unable to play football the following season. That's football. It is played by people that knock other people unconscious and then celebrate it.

Of course, the reaction to Sherman's interview caused another reaction. This reaction caused an emergency meeting of the Humor Me staff (me and my cat) to see if I should comment.  I have one big rule for this blog: I will not ever comment on race and various race issues. However, due to the seriousness of the subject (something getting in the way of real Super Bowl coverage), I have decided to grant myself a one time waiver on the topic of race.

Earl Ofrai Hutchinson wrote in The Huffington Post that Sherman's "rant again blew the hinge off the door of racial stereotypes". Hutchinson says, "The stereotypes flew fast and furious" because on Twitter Sherman was referred to as a "thug", "dirtbag", "scum" and a "disgrace". I'm not saying there wasn't an over-reaction, but is calling somebody a "disgrace" (in this instance) an example of racial stereotyping? Does Hutchinson or anyone actually know what the reaction would have been if a white player had gone on the same tirade as Sherman?  David Zirin of Nation says, " (Also) get ready for two weeks of utterly uninteresting coverage that paints Peyton as a Southern gentleman in shining armor who will hopefully slay Richard Sherman, Compton’s “loudmouth” dread-locked dragon". Well, it has been one week now, and I haven't seen one story painting Pey-Pey Manning as a Southern gentleman ready to slay any dragon, much less one with dread-locks. We still have one week to go so it might come up.

Sherman, who is a graduate of Stanford University, says that  calling someone a thug "is an accepted way of using the N-word".  He complains  nobody calls hockey players thugs and they fight all of the time. (Actually, there is a name for hockey players who fight all the time: "Goons".)  Even Bill Maher, who the last time I checked was my shade, was getting in on the act, unequivocally calling the word "thug" a coded racial slur.

My question: Is there a place where we can find all of the acceptable and unacceptable words to use when trying to comment on an interview after a football game?  That would be real helpful because we could say, "Stanford graduate, Richard Sherman, issued a statement regarding his deflected pass that won the game for The Seahawks that might or might not be to your liking depending upon your level of racism".

All of this is a bit silly. Here's what it was. A player, who was hyped up after making a great play and ticked off at his opponent blew off some steam in front of a nationally televised audience, most of whom probably wouldn't know Richard Sherman from Allan Sherman.  They had no idea that he graduated from Stanford. They saw a football player act like a football player. People who use racial slurs on Twitter reflect only on themselves and not on America as a whole. Now, can we get back to the game?

The Real Scarlet Letter

Current GOP Presidential Heavyweight, Chris Jellybelly Christie, is in BIG trouble over a traffic jam. In fact, if Christie ordered the lane closures at The George Washington Bridge last September, it could turn his Presidential hopes from "Most Likely" to Fat Chance.

I don't know if Christie ordered the Bridge lane closures to punish the Mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey. I'm not saying I want a President that acts like that or creates a culture in his administration that would encourage punishing political opponents. A President Christie could use the IRS to harass and discourage his political opponents and that would be wrong. Oh wait.

I am disappointed in the News Media, but not surprised. The News Media Muckety-Mucks have decided that Secretary Senator Former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton is destined to become the next President despite handling a real crisis like Benghazi as if she was all Three Stooges rolled into one Secretary of State. The New York Times is telling us that not only Clinton should be the next President, but she will  be the next President. Resistance is futile not to mention sexist.
 

While I wouldn't say this isn't an important story, I'm not sure how important it is to anyone who doesn't live in the New York/New Jersey area or doesn't compulsively think about the 2016 Presidential election.  What is important is that it continues to confirm what I have been thinking for most of my life. The News Media has one set of rules for Democrats and another set of rules for Republicans.

Back in 1991, we were introduced to Clarence Thomas who President Dad Bush nominated for The Supreme Court. Democrats, led by Senator Edward Where's Mary Jo? Kennedy, fought against The Thomas nomination saying Judge Thomas had sexually harassed women. Let that sink in for a moment.

There was a woman, Anita Hill, a brave and forthright professional who claimed that she: A) Heard Thomas use the phrase "Pubic Hair" in front of her and B) she saw a Playboy magazine in his apartment. This caused the news media to catch the vapors. Imagine a single man having a Playboy magazine! You know he didn't read it for the articles! There was something obviously wrong with the man even though we had been told through popular culture that a magazine featuring nude women in pictorial essays was acceptable as long as there was an interview with Issac Asimov or an article about improving your stereo system in it.

Somehow, Clarence Thomas was confirmed and he's been a Supreme Court Justice of over twenty years. The Republic still stands. However, the next year Democrats nominate for President a man that used state employees to troll for women.They would bring these lucky gals to meet Gov. Bill Clinton in his hotel room. Somehow, these visits always included the most powerful man in Arkansas (and soon the world) having his pants drop on the floor while asking these women for their assessment of his lieutenant governor.

One of lucky gals to meet Bill Clinton was Paula Jones, who we got to know so much better later on in the 90's.  You would think the party of "women's rights" would rally around this middle class woman when she was being harassed by Clinton. They had a duck fit over Clarence Thomas saying "Pubic Hair" in front of a woman and owning a  Playboy.  No, the most telling remark came from President Clinton's right hand man, James Carville who said, "Drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you'll find." The Democratic Party: the party of the little man or woman, unless you live in a trailer park.

I won't rehash the late 90's for you, except to say there were a lot of interesting debates about the meaning of words (for example: "is") and the amazing proclamation that a particular sexual act isn't really sex. The main point is that the news media treated the Thomas hearings and the Clinton scandals differently .  Thomas was guilty, no matter what, because he was somehow associated with the real scarlet letter: "R" (Republicans).  Clinton was different and was very charismatic (Really? He always reminded me of a softer Biff from Back To The Future) because he had a better letter: "D" (Democrats)

Despite being whale-like, Gov. Christie is popular with the mainstream press because he has an over sized personality. The New York Times generally concedes that most Republican politicians are carbon based life forms, but that's about it. Christie is good copy. The last Republican that got great copy was John McCain. When he clinched the Republican nomination in 2008, those defenders of the Republic, The New York Times, breathlessly published a report of how McCain was fooling around with a woman that was not his wife. That's what having the letter "R" by your name gets you.

Just a little bit of advice for Gov Christie. If you run for President, you better buy an asbestos suit, XXL.