2017: No Argument From Me

I can't wait for 2017 to end.

It began with the inauguration of Donald Trump.  The inauguration was a solemn occasion, as evidenced by former President Bush trying to put on a poncho, which, in all fairness, wasn't taught at Yale. And by Kellyanne Conway wearing something she found at a Goodwill store when she time traveled back to 1977.

President Trump began his inaugural address by noting, "There are forty trillion zillion billion people here wanting to see me" and ended it by saying "Wrestling is real to me, damn it".

You figured The Democrats would try to present themselves as mature and thoughtful people.  You figured wrong.  The Democrats decided to hook up with "The Resistance Movement" which features people way more insane than the President wearing hats that look like genitalia and wishing someone would blow up The White House.

So, for the entire year, it seemed like one half of the country was yelling at the other half of the country.

Everything was an argument. Everything was a debate.

Nobody wanted to concede a point because, if you did, you would die.

Your humble correspondent has been caught up in a couple of scrums, even though I find them distasteful.

I've noticed the "resistance" side is quick on the lectures,which are usually very long, and quick on the assumptions, which are usually incorrect.  One person wrote a four or five paragraph response to my posting that I voted for Gary Johnson and not Trump asserting that I favored "campus rape" and caused Clinton to lose Wisconsin, which is an amazing feat considering I don't live in Wisconsin.

On to more pleasant memories. Here's some chicken salad out of chicken feed:  The Atlanta Falcons won an overwhelming majority of the quarters in the Super Bowl.

Speaking of disasters, somehow, a fire caused a portion of a bridge on Interstate 85 to collapse in Atlanta. In uncharacteristic fashion Atlanta and the state of Georgia got the bridge repaired in a relatively short period of time, which is amazing when you consider it was Atlanta and Georgia making the repair.

It was reported that Democratic Senate staffers were sending "talking points" to Jimmy Kimmel, who is kind of/sort of this generation's Johnny Carson except he doesn't have a lot of talent and he's smug.

There have been several "special elections". One was here in Georiga which featured Jon Ossoff and Karen Handel, which seemed to go on for about 40 years. Ossoff lost mainly because he looked like he was running for student council President and he didn't live in the district and/or Georgia.

The Democrats finally scored a big victory when they captured Jeff Sessions seat in Alabama.  In crack journalistic work, it was discovered forty years ago Roy Moore had an unusual interest in teenage girls when he was a thirty-year-old man. This happened to be discovered a month before the election, as chance would have it. So, the Democrats finally were able to defeat the Republicans in Alabama when the Republicans nominate a possible/maybe/probable pedophile.

The biggest story of the year, besides the President, was the #Metoo movement which arose from the amazing discovery that all men are pigs, especially the ugly ones with lots of power.

The biggest movie of the year had to be "The Last Jedi" which is the latest installment of The Star Wars saga. I haven't seen it yet. I hear it is either the worst movie ever or the best movie ever.  I did go and see "Despicable Me 3" which was okay; it needed more minions.

We lost a lot of famous people this year. Chuck Berry and his duck walk. Mary Tyler Moore and her smile that could turn on the world. Glen Campbell was probably as underrated as a musician could be (um, he couldn't read music.)   Tom Petty, who once said he gave up playing "Pac-Man" when he realized he was just getting good at eating dots. Hugh Hefner who probably, for better or worse (and this old moralistic conservative says worse) changed our culture.

My 40 year high school class reunion was this year.  I was amazed I went to school with so many old people. Ha, ha. It was my honor to be the host of the reunion program and I'm happy to say my former classmates laughed at my jokes.  A couple of them told me they were happy I finally got some action. (Not as happy as me!)

We had five people from the class die in a five-month period. One of the classmates that died was Barry Suttle, who was a friend of this blog.

I have been writing in a blog for about eight years. Barry always encouraged me and commented on my posts. Men my age are usually not encouraged to do too much except to get out of the way.

This year has been, as far as readership is concerned, the best year for Humor Me.  I have easily doubled my readership.

In fact, one of my posts had almost four thousand reads. It was about Barry.

The Worst Christmas Song Ever

It is that time of year again!  Christmas time!  Okay, sing with me that great Christmas song from the classic cartoon "A Charlie Brown Christmas"  (original working title: "Give It A Rest, Charlie Brown"):  "Christmas time is here, let's go get a beer, something, something, something, something, favorite time of year"

Speaking of singing, since I am a man of the people, I've asked the people, via Facebook, to post their least favorite Christmas song.  I was assisted in this effort by The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier of Kennesaw Mountain High School. The reason I took this survery is I wanted to discover the worst Christmas song of all time.
 
 (Note: I do not include any Christmas "Carols" on the list. I like all of the traditional Christmas Carols, although some of them we could have probably lived without like Bob Dylan's version of "Hark! The Hearld Angels Sing" ("Hurk, de harold ANGELS sang") and  Tammy Wynette's "Away In The Manger" ("Ah-weigh in duh mayjer").

Based on the results gathered by Mrs. Collier and myself, I would say Mariah Carey might want to check into some online universities to spruce up her resume. One person said they did not like  "anything Mariah Carey spews".

There were equally harsh comments about a group called "Pentatonix". I am not familar with this group and honestly thought  that it was a new prescription drug to combat psoriasis. ( "Do not take Pentatonix if you have breathed air and drank water; do not leave your children alone in the room with Pentatonix.  Side effects of Pentatonix include infertility, flatulence , and spontaneous combustion").  The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier says, and I quote, "Pentatonix has ruined every Christmas song they have sung".

An early front runner for The Worst Christmas Song title is Baby, It's Cold Outside".  This is one of those songs (along with "Winter Wonderland" and "Let It Snow") which doesn't even mention Christmas and seems to be more concerned with other non-Christmas related activities, if you catch my drift.

Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is on The Worst Christmas Song list simply because we know he can do better. The first part of the song sounds like two robots making out.

Wham's "Last Christmas" is an unpopular song because it makes you puke. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away".  This happened a lot in the '80's.

Who can forget the holiday cheer spread by the song "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas"?  Sample lyrics: "Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't want to see my momma cry".   There's nothing like a song about a dysfunctional family to get you into the Christmas spirit.

"Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree"  were disqualified from The Worst Christmas list because they are, technically,  the same song.

 "Mary, Did You Know?" made it into the Top Ten Worst Christmas songs list because apparently there is a law that it must be sung in every Southern Baptist church in the state of Georgia.
 
For a while, it looked like "Christmas Shoes" was going to be the winner.  If you never heard of "Christmas Shoes", it is about a boy who wants to buy his dying mother a pair of shoes for Christmas so when she dies, she'll have a new pair of shoes to meet Jesus.  Lucky Yates of the FX show "Archer" says it is really about a gypsy kid running a scam to get a bunch of free shoes to sell at a flea market.

Even though there were a lot of candidates, I was able to determine the worst Christmas song of all time.  However, I must present to you, the second worst Christmas song of all time: "I'm An Elf" by Dan Crow. Watch this video if you dare!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP330n66mi4

This song is so bad nobody sings it at Christmas.  In fact, it sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.

However, the winner of THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME  (drum roll, please, little drummer boy) is "Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte.

I would like to thank my old pal William Joe Wade, III of Bangkok, Thailand for alerting me to this song. This song was released in 1961 when I was two years old.  I had never heard of it until two weeks ago. Thanks a lot William Joe Wade, III. 

Where to begin.  Let's start with the first line. "Hey, Chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw".  I know what the "hee haw" means, but what is "Chingedy ching"?

Then we discover Dominick is not just any old donkey. He is an "Italian Christmas donkey" who is another helper of Santa.  How many helpers does this fat guy need?

Apparently, the reindeer "cannot climb the hills of Italy" (or as Lou pronounces it, "EAT-AL-LEE").   The reindeer can fly all around the world in twenty four hours, land on houses without making a sound, etc, but they can't climb the hills of Italy.   I would make some pejorative remark that maybe the reason reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy is that Dominick has exclusive rights on Italy, if you catch my drift.  Maybe Luca Brasi presented Santa with an offer the jolly old elf couldn't refuse, capche?

Here is the song in all of its glory.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFqslqoKlN4


It makes want to listen to the dogs barking "Jingle Bells". Which is below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xam01uaj6Vg

 


 

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The New Rules

I don't remember who said it on Twitter but somebody said when they see a celebrity trending it means either they are dead or are accused of sexual harassment.

The accused are Democrats, Republicans, comedians, movie moguls, journalists, etc, just about every other carbon-based life form with  xy chromosomes.

The (mostly) proven accusations range in various levels of seriousness.

The Handsy Old Man: President George H.W. Bush.

The Gals Know I'm Joking:  Sen Al Franken

The Sure, Dude, Some Hot 20-something Year Old Wants to See You Naked and Hear The Great Question You Have for Thomas Friedman:  Charlie Rose.

The Sure I'll Ruin My Presidential Legacy: President Clinton.

The "Ick":  Louis CK

The "Quid Pro Quo Ick":  Harvey Weinstein

The "Criminal Ick":  Judge Roy Moore

The stories have spawned the #metoo movement in which women document the piggish behavior of men in the workplace.

I was in the work force when the first really big sexual harassment story hit. The Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill saga which included discussions of Coke cans and someone named, in Senate testimony, Long Dong Silver. Go back and read what Justice Thomas was accused of- it was very mild especially when compared to Harvey Weinstein.

This led to the new industry of consultants who sell videos to companies explaining their sexual harassment policies.

The problem is the policies are often vague and if there's one thing we know about men is that they need specific instructions.  You cannot say to a man, "go to the store and buy milk" thinking he will automatically know what brand to buy just because it has been magically appearing in the refrigerator for five years. No, you have to say, "Get the milk that has the picture of a cow wearing an apron" or he'll come back with almond milk or maybe a six-pack of Sprite.

I've decided to help my fellow man. Too many of us are being consumed by our combination of narcissism and plain stupidity. It is ruining too many lives.

Gentlemen, here are the rules.

1) No walking naked in front of a woman. They find this objectionable.

2) Do not touch a woman. Anywhere on her body. Don't even think about touching a woman.

3)  If you must touch a woman (example: she is drowning and you must pull her out of the water) use a ten foot pole. Only touch the hand.

4)  Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell one woman in the office she looks nice unless you are willing to tell every woman in the office she looks nice, including the one that wears the Wal-Mart track suit to work.

5)  You may comment on her hair, but only in general terms. For example: "Wow, I noticed you have hair and it looks different from when I saw it yesterday."  Avoid phrases like "You look like a porn star.  Also avoid phrases like "My Grandma has the same hairstyle".

6)  If you are a District Attorney and you have to ask somebody's mother for permission to go out, you need to seek professional help ASAP.

7)  News Flash:  A lot of women swear like sailors.  That doesn't mean you can.

8)  In the words of my old man: Act like you have some sense.

9)  There are women out there who use their womanly wiles to get ahead. These women will use you like you use them. However, the tables are turned and people are more likely to believe them than you when you say it was consensual and she says it was harassment.

10)  Look at Vice President Pence. Copy.

This Week's Picks

"fa·nat·ic:  a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause."


I don't think people really understand what a fanatic is until they meet an Alabama football fan.

Da Bears?  You are nothing.

The Cubs?  Pfft.

Red Sox?  Please.

The fans of the University of Alabama are simply at another level of fandom. They eat, sleep and breath Alabama football, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks out of the year.

Unless you have experienced it, you have no idea.

It is not enough for a Bama fan to have a t-shirt. He must have a Bama hat, Bama shoes, Bama socks and Bama underwear.  Their trucks must be maroon with Bama plastered all over it, just in case you might not know they are a Bama fan.

On Christmas Day, at a Bama fan's house.  Kid: "Deddy, do you think Coach Saban is opening his presents?"  Dad:  "Naw, he's too busy watching game film to open a present!"

No joke, one time, in March of this particular year, an Alabama fan demonstrated to me a new blocking scheme Saban introduced to the team. I have a hard time thinking about college football in March, in general, and particularly about blocking schemes since I am: a) not a lineman for the University of Alabama and b) in my 50's. I couldn't have cared less. I didn't even feign interest. I didn't even pretend to listen. I did everything except take out my phone and check Facebook to show my disinterest. Didn't work.

I know they have won a billion championships. It is impressive.

Here's your average conversation with a Bama fan..

"Yeah, you liddle skools like Tennusee, Ahia State, and Jawja have your four to five star recruits. We have five star recruits that hand out towels. That's how good we are. Our front line is a bunch of seven hundred star recruits. 

When Saban gets 'em, he coaches them up. Then when they go to the dorm to sleep, the ghost of Bear Bryant coaches them some more. They get two of the best coaches, and may I say, best human beans ever to walk on the face of the earth to coach 'em. Livin' Saban. Ghost Bear Bryant.  I don't know why anybody wants to play us."

This week's picks!


Dang Dawgs vs Kenyucky:   That crash you heard last week was UGA coming back down to earth after a pretty great season so far.  UGA made one big mistake in the game. They showed up.  Auburn totally dominated the game-they did everything right and UGA did everything wrong.  Everybody has a game like that. UGA plays Kentucky this week. Generally, that is good news.  However, Kentucky is 7-3 this year, so they are not the pushover.  UGA should win this game. They will. Dawgs win



Buzzy vs Dook:  Meanwhile, all of the nerds of Georgia rejoiced at Georgia Tech actually coming back and beating Virginia Tech.  This week, the Bees take on Duke. Duke is having a Duke-like year. Tech wins

Meecheegan  vs Wesconsen:  One of the side effects of UGA's loss to Auburn is that it brought Wisconsin back in to the FBS Playoff  picture because  WE NEED TO HAVE SOMEBODY FROM THE MIDWEST IF NOTRE DAME IS NOT IN IT. (This joke works really well if you imagine somebody from ESPN running around in circles screaming it.).  Wisconsin is the last great hope of The Big Ten to make the playoff.  Wisconsin wins.

 


Non Texas Aggies vs  Let's Talk Dirty in Hawaiian:  Not a lot of people know this, but This Week's Picks does requests. This request came from Sin City itself, Las Vegas, Nevada. This reader requested the Utah State Aggies versus Hawaii  to be reviewed. Since I know ZERO about either team, I went to the INTERNETS and discovered the motto of The University of Hawaii is "Ohka noka whatta setta knocka-rocka-sis-boom-boccas". Hawaii has won three games. Utah State has won Five.  For that reason, I'm picking Utah State to win. Plus, the reader sent me a Utah State t-shirt.  Aggies wins

Kennesaw State vs Monmouth:  This is probably the most important football game in the history of football. Kennesaw State, which did not have a football team for most of the Obama Administration, will be playing to WIN THE BIG SOUTH CONFERENCE and go the FCS PLAYOFF. On top of that, The Owls have the greatest trophy: The Turnover Plank. This is simply amazing. It is making me verklempt. You can talk among yourselves while I regain my composure. Here's a topic: The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family. Discuss.  My Beloved Owls win

The Turnover Plank: The Coolest Thing Kennesaw State Ever Did

This Week's Picks

Every time I think America has jumped the shark, I see something that gives me hope. Such as this comment from a reader to Clay Travis at Outkick The Coverage.

 “I can’t believe I have to request anonymity for this, but I might get fired if someone found out about this question: I’m watching the Auburn-TAMU game and the lady that’s doing the play by play, Beth Mowins, well she sucks. Most of her comments are fluff. She doesn’t seem to know the names of players. And in general, her voice annoys me something fierce. Most of all, I can’t shake the feeling that she got the job because she’s a female, not because she deserved it (I could totally be wrong and she might have paid her dues; I have no way of knowing)."

Here's the response from Clay Travis.

"I think Beth Mowins is awful and it has nothing to do with her being a woman. 

Her voice is grating to me and detracts from my enjoyment of the game, which is the exact thing that an announcer shouldn’t be doing.

The best line anyone sent me about Robert Lee being pulled off the Virginia game because of sharing a name with Robert E. Lee was the guy who Tweeted me, 'I wish Beth Mowins had been a Confederate general too.'"

I agree one hundred per-cent.  In fact, I sat down to specifically watch the Auburn-TAMU game as part of my research for this week's post. But, I heard her voice and I turned the channel.

I know. "I am woman, hear me roar".  Roar all you want to, but please don't do play by play.


This Week's Picks!


Dawgs vs WarTigers:  In case you haven't heard, UGA is the winner of the SEC East. They are also, for the second week in a row, the number one seed in the FBS playoff bracket.  This a big game. The Tiger-Eagles are a very, very good team. Aside from beating Alabama, nothing gives Auburn more pleasure than beating Georgia. StubHub shows 301 tickets left, starting at $198.00. Oh, what the heck, Georgia wins.  Barely.

Wrecked vs Other Tech:  My annual "I can't pick the wrong team on this one because both teams are Tech" pick.  Georgia Tech is probably the best 4-4 team in the country. They are not as mediocre as their record suggests.  Virginia Tech is 6-2 and not as good as their record implies. StubHub still has 996 tickets left, starting at $13.00. What a deal. In any event, Tech wins.

 Our Lady vs Myamme:  Ah yes, the old "Catholics vs Convicts" game. By the way, have you seen Miami Coach Mark "Cutie Pie" Richt lately?  The dude is growing a goatee. Or is it a Van Dyke? I get those confused.  He's gone to wearing all black too. It is kind of like a football version of Olivia Newton-John in the movie "Grease".  One minute he's the All-American Boy and the next minute he's driving grease lightning. (Look, I know I am mixing characters, but you can keep up)  (EDITOR: We've tried. We've really, really tried). One of these days, he might go get a new tattoo. He might take his Harley on a three day cruise. He might even grow a fu Manchu.  Wait. Where was I?. Oh yeah, the game.  Notre Dame has lost one game to UGA and that was by a single point. Miami barely beat FSU and Georiga Tech. That tells you all you need to know. Notre Dame wins. 

Who are you and what have you done with Mark Richt?

Aroused Lizards vs Soonerorlaterlovegonnagetcha:  I heard a rumor that teams in The Big 12 Conference have defenses. Not sure if it is true.   Oklahoma scored ten billion points last week, defeating its state rival  Oklahoma State who scored a mere 9.999 billion points.  TCU is the best team in the country named after a reptile.  It should be another high scoring affair, but Oklahoma has the law firm of Baker Mayfield on its side, so they should win.  Sooners win

My Beloved Owls vs Charleston Southern:  Last week, Kennesaw State traveled to Bozeman, Montana and defeated Montana State. They should be back in town from their trip to Bozeman any day now, since their flight only had stops in Billings, Portland (ME), El Paso, Orlando, Charlotte, Saint Louis, Dallas, and Minneapolis. Charleston Southern is 5-4, while Kennesaw State is 8-1. I think we all know who is going to win this one, don't we President Olens?  Owls wins

This Week's Picks

 I'm back in The Blog!

Yes, after a real busy month, This Week's Picks returns to Humor Me  for the rest of the season.

Mrs. Blog and I went to New York City for a vacation. We went to The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and a taping of  "Live with Kelly and Ryan".   On the show that day was  Mark Feuerstein, who stars in a CBS sitcom called "9JKL". It is about a divorced man who moves into an apartment next door to his parents, Alice from the 70's TV show "Alice" and the original Trapper John.  I haven't seen it either.

The BIG star on the show was Tom Selleck.  If you were a young man growing into maturity in the early 80's, you wanted to be Tom Selleck for a day. Just a day. Can you imagine the women that threw themselves at Tom Selleck back then?  The ugliest would be described as F-I-N-E.

Yep, I took this picture.  Ryan needs to dress like a man.

Tom has aged gracefully, I guess.  He looked like he would rather be somewhere else than talking with Kelly and Ryan, but he still had that Tom Selleck charm.  He seemed like he could down a couple of Jack and Cokes, look you square in the eye and say, "Morgan Fairchild. Three times. Once in a Yugo".

Is There Anyone More 80's Than Morgan Fairchild?

This week's picks!



Big Bad Dawgs vs Illegal Gaming Chickens: Well, looky who is the number one seed (for now) in the FBS Playoff bracket! It is the Jawja Booldawgs! Sic em! Arf!  I mean, Bark.  Well, there's still a ways to go, but this season has been pretty kind to the Bulldogs.  South Carolina is a pretty good team (I'm not going to call them by their name because this is a family blog), but I just don't think they are as good as the Dawgs.  I can't help it,though, I still worry about them. It comes from years of watching Vince Dooley on TV when I was a kid.  The guys on Gameday would call this a "trap game".  There's nothing the Mighty Chickens would want more than to crush UGA's time in the sun. It won't happen.  UGA wins! 

Buzzed vs Same Old Virginny:  Flying under the radar of  UGA's season is Georgia Tech, which could have easily been 6-1 by now instead of 4-3. The Cavaliers are 5-3, but I'm not super impressed by them. The Bees are a much better team. Tech wins.

Paul Johnson's Expression When He Learned Where Babies Come From

Illesyou vs Bamy:  Well, well. They were about to run Ed Orgeron out of Red Stick because he lost to Troy.  But, LSU has also beat Syracuse, which beat Clemson. Somehow, the Tigers have strung together some pretty good wins and are 6-2.   However, they are meeting 8-0 Alabama, which somehow is number two in the playoff bracket despite being number one in the country. Only in college football.  Do you know who is unhappy with the turn of events?  Could it be .....SATAN?  I'm pretty sure Coach Nick Satan is going to make sure they take out their frustations on LSU.  Bama wins!


 

Nick Is Not Happy

Other Tech vs Cutie Pie's New Team:  This just may be the best game of the weekend. Other Tech is 7-1 and Miami is 7-0.  Clay Travis wants Miami to play in the FBS Championship game and defeat UGA because what would be more "Georgia" than finally making it to the championship and losing to a Mark Richt coached team?  While that would be interesting, I think Other Tech is just a little bit better.  Hokies win!


Kennesaw State vs Montana State:  My beloved Owls, which, by the way, have entered the Top 25 in the FCS rankings, travel all the way to Bozeman, Montana to play Montana State.  The cheapest flight I found: $460.00. It takes 11 days to get there. You have stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Salt Lake City, Honolulu, Portland (ME), and Minneapolis. I think you have to walk the last one hundred miles.  If you didn't know,  "Bozeman is a lively university town with a diverse choice of attractions and activities" according to the city of Bozeman's website.  I know it has an Outback Restaurant which is either the best or the worst restaurant in Bozeman, depending upon who you believe on Trip Advisor . The Montana State Bobcats are 4-4. The Owls are 7-1. The OWLS win (if not, then it will be a long trip home)

Bozeman: You Can't Get There From Here

From "Surviving The Smoke Hole"

Last year, I had an e-book published called Surviving The Smoke Hole.  It made millions of dollars.  Since my class reunion a couple of weeks ago, I've had many people (two) ask me about it. Here's an excerpt.

Most books written by my generation mention “change” and how quickly thing changed in our lifetime. The difference between 2005 and 2015 seems like ten years. The difference between 1963 and 1973 seems like one hundred years.

Looking at it from a historian’s eyes-ok, through the eyes of a person who majored in history in college and has watched the History Channel, a lot of events happened between 1963 and 1973. Mainly: Vietnam, The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and various political/inspirational leaders being killed in public for no reason.

These topics have been written about ad nauseam, which according to my high school Latin teacher, Noel Jenks, means “a lot". I don’t want to review them here except to say The Beatles were great, I’m glad I didn’t go to Vietnam, and Lee Harvey Oswald shot John Kennedy.

I must be the only person my age that never watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. I am pretty sure my parents thought Ed Sullivan was a mentally ill. At least my mother did. She didn’t like that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t show Elvis and his hips but would show those old long haired boys from Liverpool. It didn’t make sense to her that Sullivan wanted to spare the world from Elvis’ hot smoldering Elvis shakes but didn’t have a problem with The Beatles saying they wanted to hold hands and you know where that would lead. (Up the arm, on the shoulder, then down to the Promised Land.)

She thought it was all about what today we would call “Southern Phobia” (i.e.: Sullivan was prejudice against Southerners). If Twitter was around, she probably would have tweeted: Sullivan stop hatin’ us. #Southernphobic.

What The Beatles did besides holding your hand was have long hair and this started a trend which was in full force by the time I got to high school. All the boys had their hair long in the seventies and the eighties.  This caused most parents, especially the dads, to remark how much the boys looked like girls with “that old long hair”.

The whole point of the above History Lesson is just to acknowledge that times were a’changin and they began a’changin big time in Cobb County in 1973.

Companies from the North began moving to the Atlanta area in 1973. Atlanta had developed a reputation as being a pearl in a sea of grits. Despite Lester Maddox’s best intentions, we didn’t have bad racial hostilities like Alabama and Mississippi. Basically, Atlanta cared only about one color: Green.  Atlanta was interested in business and running around beating people due to their skin color was bad for business, so Atlanta told the bigots and racists to shut up so the Northerners could move down here and bring their money.

East Cobb was close to Interstate 75, which when it wasn’t being “improved” could theoretically allow a person to leave his house in East Cobb at 7:30 and arrive at his office in downtown Atlanta at 8:00.  In reality, I-75 allowed a person to leave his house in East Cobb at 7:30 and arrive at his office in downtown Atlanta at 7:30 the next day.

In a classic bait and switch, the leaders of Cobb County touted their access to Atlanta as a plus and began to build high-class subdivisions in the Eastern part of the county. Now the subdivision I grew up in, Beverly Hills (really) was pretty snazzy before all of the Northerners moved down. Nice houses and a Home Owners Association, which Inez refused to belong to (we were not required to join since we moved in before the HOA was started) because she had this quaint notion that nobody had the right to tell anyone what to do with their property. Because she refused to join, she didn’t pay the fees for the subdivision’s pool therefore, we couldn’t go swimming there. This really became an issue for me when one of my friends saw a hot female classmate’s bosoms due to a swimsuit malfunction at the pool. I would have paid to see this malfunction. Thanks, Mom.

However, a new subdivision was soon built. This subdivision had a golf course. It was called Indian Hills.

I don’t think I ever met a native Southerner that lived in Indian Hills. It was always families from the North. The families whose dads were doctors, lawyers, or accountants; Big Shot Dads. Not like Old Man Manis, who in fairness was a foreman at Lockheed.  These Dads were hip and the Moms looked like they actually cared about their appearance. All of the kids in Indian Hills were above average and pretty nice looking, too.

All of those kids attended Wheeler.

Soon, other subdivisions were built and those houses were filled with the transplants from the North. Soon, another subdivision eclipsed Indian Hills: The Atlanta Country Club. 

The kids from The Atlanta Country Club made all of the rest of us seem like we were raised in a Philippines trash heap.

 All of those kids attended Wheeler.

It was nothing in Junior High School to have three or four new kids a week. All from the North. Everyone’s last name ending in a vowel. I remember one young lady, Lynn when she was introduced to our class in eighth grade. It had to have been a frightening experience for her. All of these eighth-grade eyes staring at you. None of them could have been more than a quarter Italian at best.  When she opened her mouth, the mother of all Boston accents came out. It had to be rough to have someone look at you and say, “Whut? Ah didunt understand a wered you sed” (Translation: “What? I didn’t understand a word you said.”).   

[Note: Shortly after I started this book, I learned Lynn had passed away several years earlier. I don’t ever remember teasing her, but if I did, I hope she forgave me. You have to cut us some slack. Most of us had heard about people from Massachusetts but we had never seen a kid our age from Massachusetts.]

There were kids from Minnesota, Indiana, New York, and Maryland. They were all just a tad bit better than the rest of us. Better hair, teeth, glasses, grades, and personalities. You wanted to dislike them because they would talk about how their Dads would let them drink beer and go to R-rated movies. But you couldn’t because they were so cool.

This population explosion in East Cobb caused two events to occur. One was the building of another new high school, George Walton (Walton) in another part of East Cobb to ease the overcrowding at Wheeler. The second was Split Sessions at Wheeler. The Upper Classmen (Seniors and Juniors) went in the morning because they had “jobs” and “cars”. The Sophomores and Freshman went in the afternoon.

Because of split sessions, my first two years of high school were spent in this weird blur of time. We went to school at Noon and got home after six. The lowly freshman did not even see the seniors, which was probably good for me since I had entered the awkward phase of my life known as the rest my life.

I entered 9^th grade just like I exited 8^th grade: with greasy moppy hair and thick horned rim glasses.  I would have looked like the average hipster today, but back then my look was the King of the Dorks. 

My look was forever captured on film during the “picture day” for the yearbook. Like most school picture days, it was a cattle call, but for some reason, this one was the worst of all picture days in the history of picture days.

First of all, it was one of those September days in Georgia when it is overcast, hot and the humidity was about a billion percent. The air conditioner unit at Wheeler, which apparently was a fan behind a block of ice, was out and the whole school smelled like one gigantic educational funk.

Secondly, you had a team of the worst photographers in the history of photography running the smelly, sweaty kids in and out in record time.  School legend had it that one kid’s school picture featured him with a fly on his nose. I would have chalked it up as an urban legend if I hadn’t seen my picture.

I was wearing my favorite maroon shirt that I thought made me look semi-cool and probably the best looking 9^th grade male on campus.  I had taken special care to WASH my hair the night before to give it the extra bouncy 1973 look. However, since this was at the end of the day, my hair looked like I just got out of the shower. Still, I was convinced I was the coolest looking kid ever, despite my horn-rimmed coke bottle glasses.

I remember the photographer telling me to say “Cheeseburger”, the flash of the bulb and the feeling that this picture was going to be on various mirrors of the comely young ladies of Wheeler.

When the pictures were handed out, it featured a greasy haired kid with horn-rimmed glasses with his lips pooched out like the “duck lips” pictures you see today on Facebook and Instagram. Nobody, I showed the picture to DID NOT laugh and this included several comely young ladies of Wheeler. My mother refused to buy them. She said she didn’t want this picture to be on the news if anything happened to me.  The problem was my eighth-grade picture wasn’t that much better except I wasn’t pooching out my lip but I guess that would have been her only choice.