The New Rules

I don't remember who said it on Twitter but somebody said when they see a celebrity trending it means either they are dead or are accused of sexual harassment.

The accused are Democrats, Republicans, comedians, movie moguls, journalists, etc, just about every other carbon-based life form with  xy chromosomes.

The (mostly) proven accusations range in various levels of seriousness.

The Handsy Old Man: President George H.W. Bush.

The Gals Know I'm Joking:  Sen Al Franken

The Sure, Dude, Some Hot 20-something Year Old Wants to See You Naked and Hear The Great Question You Have for Thomas Friedman:  Charlie Rose.

The Sure I'll Ruin My Presidential Legacy: President Clinton.

The "Ick":  Louis CK

The "Quid Pro Quo Ick":  Harvey Weinstein

The "Criminal Ick":  Judge Roy Moore

The stories have spawned the #metoo movement in which women document the piggish behavior of men in the workplace.

I was in the work force when the first really big sexual harassment story hit. The Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill saga which included discussions of Coke cans and someone named, in Senate testimony, Long Dong Silver. Go back and read what Justice Thomas was accused of- it was very mild especially when compared to Harvey Weinstein.

This led to the new industry of consultants who sell videos to companies explaining their sexual harassment policies.

The problem is the policies are often vague and if there's one thing we know about men is that they need specific instructions.  You cannot say to a man, "go to the store and buy milk" thinking he will automatically know what brand to buy just because it has been magically appearing in the refrigerator for five years. No, you have to say, "Get the milk that has the picture of a cow wearing an apron" or he'll come back with almond milk or maybe a six-pack of Sprite.

I've decided to help my fellow man. Too many of us are being consumed by our combination of narcissism and plain stupidity. It is ruining too many lives.

Gentlemen, here are the rules.

1) No walking naked in front of a woman. They find this objectionable.

2) Do not touch a woman. Anywhere on her body. Don't even think about touching a woman.

3)  If you must touch a woman (example: she is drowning and you must pull her out of the water) use a ten foot pole. Only touch the hand.

4)  Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell one woman in the office she looks nice unless you are willing to tell every woman in the office she looks nice, including the one that wears the Wal-Mart track suit to work.

5)  You may comment on her hair, but only in general terms. For example: "Wow, I noticed you have hair and it looks different from when I saw it yesterday."  Avoid phrases like "You look like a porn star.  Also avoid phrases like "My Grandma has the same hairstyle".

6)  If you are a District Attorney and you have to ask somebody's mother for permission to go out, you need to seek professional help ASAP.

7)  News Flash:  A lot of women swear like sailors.  That doesn't mean you can.

8)  In the words of my old man: Act like you have some sense.

9)  There are women out there who use their womanly wiles to get ahead. These women will use you like you use them. However, the tables are turned and people are more likely to believe them than you when you say it was consensual and she says it was harassment.

10)  Look at Vice President Pence. Copy.