The History of An Entitlement (Updated)

This is the history of  how we got The Affordable Pizza Act.

Woodrow Wilson writes in an 1898 letter to a colleague that “I took the family out for a Pizza Pie as all good red-blooded American families should”.

This colleague wrote President McKinley urging mandatory Pizza Fridays.

In 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt said, “A man who doesn’t like pizza is a rapscallion and should be punched in the snoot, tarred, feathered and run out on the rails”.

In 1911, President William Howard Taft ate three pizzas at one sitting.

In 1925 a reporter said to President Coolidge: "I bet a fellow ten whole dollars that I could not get you to say two words about pizza!" The President responded: "You lose".

The campaign song for Alfred Smith in 1928 was “A Slice Would Be Nice”

 In 1933 as an effort to help struggling dairy farmers in Wisconsin, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt created the Wednesday Pizza Administration or The WPA. The Federal Government commissioned free pizza to be given out in special government stores called “Huts” every Wednesday.

The radio stations all over America played the songs “Hey You Let’s Chew” and "Tony, You're My Pepperoni".

After Pearl Harbor, the country was urged to cut down on its pizza consumption in order to show Hitler and Tojo we mean business.

In the 1948 Presidential race, President Harry Truman said, “The Republican Party wants to take away your pizza and I won’t let them do it".

 In 1952 Presidential candidate Dwight Eisenhower promises to go to Korea and hold the anchovies.

In the 1960 Presidential debates, John F.Kennedy said that there was pepperoni gap.

 In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson signed an executive order changing The Wednesday Pizza Administration into The Pizza On Friday Program (POFP) since the modern American family was very busy on this day.

In a 1972 interview at a Washington D.C. area Pizza Hut, President Richard Nixon denied ever having pizza.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford had the roof of his mouth burned by a New York Style Pizza.

 In 1979, President Carter signed an executive order allowing for federal funding of deep dish pizzas.

 In a 1986 compromise with the Democrats, President Ronald Reagan allowed citizens to substitute spaghetti for pizza if they wanted.

After a rousing convention speech in 1988, President George Herbert Walker Bush caves into Congressional pressure and signs legislation to allow specialty pizzas on the POFP.

 Bill Clinton wins the White House in 1992 promising bread sticks.

 In 2000, George W. Bush promises “buffalo wings with your pizza” while Al Gore promises “buffalo wings and the beverage of your choice”.

In 2008,  Illinois Senator Barack Obama wins The White House promising never to get your order wrong.

In 2010, President Obama signs The Affordable Pizza Act, which includes children being able to use their parents' coupons until the age of 26.

 In 2011, after years of an exploding Federal Budget, Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin proposes deep cuts to The Affordable Pizza Act. The poor and needy would still qualify; however, the middle class will be issued a coupon for use at their local Preferred Pizza Provider (PPP).

 The chairwoman of The Democratic Party, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, called Ryan and the Republican Party: “Pro starvation”. She added "People need food to eat. Pizza is a food. If they don't eat food they will die. Paul Ryan wants people to die."

In 2012, it is revealed that Republican nominee for President Mitt Romney has never seen a pizza.

While campaigning for re-election, President Obama says, "Whatever pizza you like, you can have that pizza.

In 2013, New York businessman Donald Trump tweets: "HEY DOMINO'S! MY ODER IS 45 MINS LATE! SAD!!

When The Affordable Pizza Act goes into effect in the fall of 2013, it turns out the only type of pizza available is cheese pizza, thin crust.

In a speech in 2016, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton claims to both love and hate pizza.

In 2016, New York businessman Donald Trump wins The White House, in part, by saying "Look, I know Papa John. Good friend. Great guy. Makes great pizza. I would probably make better pizza if I was in the pizza business, but I'm not. So, I ask Papa John, who is a great guy and big, big supporter, what can we do about the sorry, terrible, atrocious, Affordable Pizza Act? He said, now get this, that he didn't know. Now if PAPA JOHN doesn't know what to do about Pizza, we're in big trouble, believe me." 

In 2017, in an effect to repeal and replace The Affordable Pizza Act (aka "Obama-pizza"), Congressional Republicans somehow manage to set themselves on fire.

The Trump Drinking or Ding-Ding Game

As long as everybody is going to yell at each other, we might as well develop a game.

I just read a Facebook post from Anne LaMott who is another of those Super Cool Christian writers that can say the word "shit" and get away with it.

This is what she partially said in her post.


"The pain, grief and sheer disbelief of a majority of Americans since November 8 can hardly be expressed. This can't actually be happening, but it is. It's On Beyond Zebra. We wake up wondering if, while we slept, Trump accidentally bombed North Korea because he got a little bug up his kadunkadunk at 3:00 a.m. Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner at the helm? Even my Republican friends are sick about Trump and Paul Ryan's draconian and insane budget. Just off the top of my head, they want to cut Meals on Wheels? Meals on WHEELS? It tuns (sic) out that Ryan has dreamed since college about how much food there will be for the rest of us when we stop free handouts to those greedy grabby gobbly sick and elderly people. 

People are afraid on (sic) turn on their phones: what bizarre thoughts and threats has Trump tweeted at dawn? Friends started smoking. Not to mention that everyone has gained the Trump Twelve."

Well.


First of all, it is "badonkadonk" not "kadunkadunk".

Secondly,  how could Trump "accidentally" bomb North Korea?  "WE WERE GOING TO BOMB CHINA BUT WE BOMBED N. KOREA! MY BAD. NOT REALLY". Not meaning to be all smart, shouldn't you worry more about North Korea bombing Japan and oh, South Korea?

Thirdly, about the draconian and insane budget. "Meals on Wheels" is not a federal program. It is a non-profit organization that receives funding from the states in Community Development Block Grants (CDBG) that the feds send out. The individual states determine how much money is given to Meals on Wheels. I'm sure you would be surprised to learn that CDBGs have been used in political pork barrel schemes.

I noticed she mentioned "Meals on Wheels" but not the funding for The Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholars, which is scheduled to be eliminated entirely.  Oh, the humanity!  How can this republic survive without The Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholars? I bet the EVIL Paul Ryan has been dreaming of this since middle school!

"People are afraid on (sic) turn on their phones: what bizarre thoughts and threats has Trump tweeted at dawn"  I'm not quite sure where Ann lives, but I haven't noticed anyone afraid to turn on their phones.  In fact, just about everybody I know keeps their phone on all the time.

"Friends started smoking."  Really?  Name one. Seriously, since we're blaming Trump for the pain, grief, and disbelief, it would be nice to know who deals with their candidate losing by reaching for a pack of Pall Malls, especially when they haven't smoked before.  We may not want to put those people next to the door in the airplane if you catch my drift.

"Not to mention everyone has gained The Trump Twelve".  I haven't gained twelve pounds since Trump was elected.  I did gain five pounds due to a milk shake binge I went on last September. Stupid Trump. He tweeted: GO AHEAD ALAN-HAVE THAT MILK SHAKE! (BTW, I MAKE THE BEST MILK SHAKES!)

But I'm not a person to get wrapped around the axle about all of this politics glob. I'm a person of action. So, I have decided to create a game that drinkers and non-drinkers can participate in.

The game is an homage to the "Hello, Bob" drinking game in which the contestants watched the old "Bob Newhart Show" and took a shot when somebody said, "Hello Bob".

There were a lot of "Hello Bobs" in this episode.

The rules are simple, you take a shot or you say "Ding-ding" (for my Baptist friends) when you are watching the news and you hear:

1. The President saying "fake news".

2. If someone says about the budget "People will die due to this budget"

3.  Double shot or ding if they add the word "literally" as in "People will literally die due to this budget".

4. Somebody says, "He says what's on his mind" like it's a good thing.

5. When somebody says "People will die due to the repeal of Obamacare"

6.  Double shot or ding if they add the word "literally"

7. Upon reading there has been a bank robbery in D.C., the President tweets that Barack Obama did it.

8. A celebrity takes five minutes of their precious time to remind you that Donald Trump is a Fascist.

9. The President starts talking about the ratings for "The Apprentice".


Feel free to add your own. Just watch out-you may have to be hospitalized for substance abuse.

No Offense

"Comedy is not pretty" ~ Steve Martin

This may be seven and half years too late, but today is a good time when I open up to my readers and explain what I write and why I write.

Simply put: I write about what I want to write about and I want to get laughs. Nothing more, nothing less.

Sure, there have been times when I've commented on a big topic and I want to be taken seriously, but mainly I try to be as funny as possible with the little talent I have.  I am fully aware that nobody 50 years from now will give a hoot about my opinions. In fact, I should amend it to read nobody 50 minutes from now will give a hoot about my opinions.

You know what? That's okay with me. I only wish other people thought the same way.

I'm not sure what it is, but people seem to take offense to everything.  On top of that, it becomes their job to let you know what you've written is wrong and immoral.

Here's the way I look at it.

It is okay to have a different opinion than I do. That's what makes the world go around. As the cardiologist said, "Different strokes for different folks".  (Lord, I apologize.)

Take, for example, this cartoon:

I don't find this cartoon offensive. In fact, I think the shaming look the frog gives to the lady makes it humorous. The people in the background give it the "oh, I didn't know that's where frog legs come from" look that helps the cartoon.

I had a professor in college who was highly offended by this cartoon. He said it made light of people with disabilities.  It does not. At its very worst, the cartoon makes fun of frogs with disabilities.

But, hey, if you think this cartoon is offensive, then I can't convince you otherwise.  I think you may be a wee bit sensitive, particularly about amphibians.  But mainly, I think you need to heed the instruction of Sergeant Hulka:  "Lighten up, Francis". No frogs were harmed in the publishing of this cartoon.

Recently, Samantha Bee got in trouble with a bit she did on her show where she was commenting on young men with "Nazi Hair".  You know, since the election of President Orange, the whole country has turned into Berlin circa 1936 except for our brave late night comedians.

It turns out one of the young men with "Nazi Hair" was a kid who has brain cancer. On top of that, he was a "Never Trumper".

I find this rich since Bee practices "Jon Stewart Satire" ("Everybody is stupid and dumb except for people who think like I do").  That, to me, is offensive because it shows no self-awareness and it is plain mean spirited.

That's my point. I never try to write anything mean spirited.  I never write out of spite trying to stick it to whoever I want stuck. It is not my job to "comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable". I just write what I see, hear, and think.

I have made fun of Baptists (which I am one), married men (which I am one), and Southerners (which I am one).  I have made fun of some self-important people (including one columnist who made light of someone's first name when the columnist has the worst first name a man can be given), Republicans, and Democrats.  I try to make fun of everyone because everyone has their foibles and that's the essence of humor.

Having said all that, I am not perfect. Something may sound funny to me and it may come out offensive.  Lord knows I have made comments that I later regretted when I saw the other person's point of view.

However, the intention has never been to hurt anyone or to put somebody in their place. That's just not me.

So, if I write anything you don't like, it is okay to tell me. After thinking about it, I may just agree with you and write an apology.  Or I may not.

 I think we'll both live.

Edumacation

"I are a graduate of Cobb County Public Schools"  ~  Common joke heard in Cobb County.

Yes, I am.  I went to East Valley Elementary School, East Cobb (then Jr.) Middle School, and Wheeler High School.   At the point and time I went, they were the best public schools in the county.

Here's what I remember.  I remember they taught me how to tell time.  You would not believe how this impresses people. In thirty some odd years of employment, I've never been late to work. I've never been late to a meeting.

Once, I was working a temporary job after I was laid off at United Healthcare. My supervisor said, "We want to hire you because you show up".

Showing up, as Woody Allen once remarked, is 80% of success.  My education stressed the importance of showing up. Many times, my grade was "rounded up" because I simply showed up and showed I care.

My education stressed the importance of waiting in lines. The cool kids, the narcs, the heads, the dorks, and the dweebs all had to wait in line, particularly at lunch.  You'll get in. Honest.

On one of our trips to New York, we went to the 9/11 Memorial. There were a couple of people behind us, from a European country which has the Effiel Tower, and they were constantly breaking in line.  We almost had an international incident.

My education stressed the importance of sitting down and shutting up. This is a trait that is missing in today's educational atmosphere.

Recently, Charles Murray, a social scientist was hired to give a lecture at Middlebury College.  Dr. Murray wrote a controversial book 25 years ago called "The Bell Curve".  Some people say it isn't very nice.  I can't comment because I haven't read it.  However, it was an academic book and the issues Murray describes should be debated in an open academic atmosphere.

Yeah, right.

That's not how the game is played these days. Today, if there is something you don't like, you try to shut it down. Here's how The Washington Post describes it.

"The demonstrations began conventionally enough, with several hundred organized protesters packed into a lecture hall Thursday, chanting and holding signs. They ended with Murray being forced to cancel his lecture and later being surrounded by an unruly mob made up of students and “outside agitators” as he tried to leave campus, according to witnesses and school administrators.

"After swarming Murray and two school officials, the protesters shouted profanities, shoved members of the group and then blocked them from getting to a vehicle in a nearby parking lot. Witnesses said the confrontation was aggressive, intimidating and unpredictable and felt like it was edging frighteningly close to outright violence."

The President of Middlebury College, Laurie L. Patton, says she will respond to“clear violations of Middlebury College policy”, which I assume is you don't act like a bunch of trousered apes when you encounter an opinion you don't agree with.

By the way, Middlebury College is a "top-tier" liberal arts college, which means it accepts only about 16% of the students that apply and the tuition is around $48K a year.

All of this could have been avoided by simply going to the lecture, sitting down, listening to whatever the dude said, then going back to your dorm and writing a paper.

Those days are gone with the wind. Part of the problem frankly lies with the parents.

My mother always told me that she didn't care if I was a smart person as long as I was a good person. Parents don't seem to emphasize that at all. The upper-class kids seem like they have been told that they are the most wonderful creatures to ever pop up in this world and their self-esteem is the most important ingredient to a successful life.

While the lower middle-class and poor kids are sort of left on their own. Hillbilly Elegy author J.D. Vance quotes one of his teachers: "They want us to be shepherds to these kids. But no one wants to talk about the fact that many of them are raised by wolves".

But, the education establishment is not blameless. They become enamored with the latest educational fad and want to ride that horse until it passes out. Back when I was coming along, it was "Open Classrooms". Now it is "Common Core".  And none of it ever works.

I don't claim to have any answers. Maybe "School Choice" is the answer. Maybe it is not.  I'm just glad I'm not going to school.

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Do you ever get into a reading rut?  That is, you read a lot of books of the same (fancy college word in THREE...TWO...ONE) genre?

Several years back, I got into the rut of reading every book that came out about Abraham Lincoln. One book, Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin, makes you seem really smart when you tell people you have read it.  This is because the only time we see Doris Kearns Goodwin is when she's on Meet The Press.  However, in the History Major world, Goodwin is a star because she is a History Major making money in something close to her major. And, to be fair, at one time Doris was a total babe.

Lately, I've gotten into reading the ANCIENT ROCK STAR AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

There was a time in the history of Rock and Roll when the idea of 70-year-old rock stars would have been unthinkable. Rock was Young and it was Youth and it said the things the Young Youths were saying.

Then, a lot of rock stars died of various drug reasons like Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Janis Joplin, all of whom are still making truck loads of money.

But Rock has aged and a lot of the stars from the late 60's and early 70's are in their late sixties and seventies. They have decided to tell their stories if they can remember them.

My first book was Fortunate Son by John Fogerty.  Fogerty was the leader of the band Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR). CCR had about 400 hits in the late 60's-early 70's.  359 of those hits were about 2:50 minutes long and very catchy. The rest was your typical Jam-Band covers that lasted for a couple of days. (CCR's version of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine"* lasts a couple of months.)

Fogerty left a good job in the city and wrote "Proud Mary", which keeps on turning and burning.  I'm not sure who or what "Proud Mary" is but it keeps rolling down the river.

Most memoirs are about getting back at your enemies and Fogerty has a couple. One is Saul Zaentz, who ran Fantasy Records that signed CCR and stuck them with this awful publishing contract which meant Saul made a lot of money off of CCR. Which did not make Fogerty happy and he spent a good part of 40 years suing Saul and Fantasy.

Fogerty has a couple of other enemies: the rest of CCR, which included his brother.  None of this is very pleasant. If you ever think there is going to be a CCR reunion, it would be as likely as President Trump giving up Tweeting.  It is not going to happen.

The next book was Testimony by Robbie Robertson.  Robertson was the leader of the band called "The Band".   The Band was Bob Dylan's band when he toured England on his "electric" tour (1966). He had them follow him to Woodstock, New York where they made The Basement Tapes. The Band soon signed to their own record deal.

Robertson wrote the song "The Weight" which was about taking a load off of Fanny or Annie, not sure which. He also wrote, "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" about Virgil Cain. But my favorite is "Up On Cripple Creek" which has the great line "Now me and my mate were back at the shack/We had Spike Jones on the box/She said 'I can't take the way he sings but I love to hear him talk'."

They also starred in a movie called "The Last Waltz", which was the last concert they gave as The Band. Sort of. Actually, it was the last concert of The Band with Robbie Robertson.

Robertson had moved out to Malibu by the mid-70's and started hanging around Hollywood. He got tired of the rock life style and decided to lean back and watch his money multiply.

Robertson drops a lot of names in this book. He says they met Sonny Boy Williamson. That may not impress you, but it impressed me. Of course, he talks about Dylan a lot. Robertson's Dylan seems like a regular person, not the Weirdo Bob we are all used to. Carly Simon shows up. So does Dyan Cannon.  Burt Lancaster lived down the street in Malibu.

One name that popped up from time to time was Conway Twitty. Really.

The bad guy in Robertson's book is Levon Helm, who took drugs in what pharmacists call "Keith Richards Amounts".  This really surprised me but I'm not sure if this isn't Robertson's way of getting back at Helm because Robertson was the bad guy in Helm's Ancient Rock Star Autobiography. Rock and Roll never forgets.

The last Ancient Rock Star Autobiography I am reading is Born To Run by Bruce Springsteen.

One thing about this book: it sounds like Bruce Springsteen.  You can hear his voice and almost see the expressions on his face as you read it.

Springsteen is probably the best "performer" of the bunch and he is still out there pounding away doing three hour shows.   The most interesting part of the book is the "before fame" section, which is about how he meets Clarence, Miami Steve, and all the rest.

He's open about his failings. He gets a little preachy and political. Interestingly enough, he didn't take drugs and he didn't get his driver's license until he was in his twenties.

One thing that unites all of the books is that all three men are family men. All three are married and have children. Springsteen's descriptions of his family life make it sound like he is the manager of Springsteen's  Goodyear Tire Store rather than "The Boss".

If you love rock music, the real kind, you should read these books.  Springsteen's is a pretty big book, but it is a quick read. Robertson's ends in 1976 at The Last Waltz and he doesn't think you'd be interested in the past forty years.  Fogerty's is the slightest but in many ways the most honest.

But they all give you pretty good insight into the music that was a part of our lives. At least, for us old folks. Sweet sixteen has turned sixty-one.

* Of course, Fogerty sings " Ah Hurd It Through The Grapevine". Fogerty admits his unique pronunciations on the records is because he was trying to imitate blues singers he likes.

The Jerk

Well, gang, we've made it through one month of the Trump Presidency!  Only 47 more to go!

And it could be an additional 48 months after that. By that time, millennials, you should be moved out of your parent's basement by then.

All I can say is buckle up Butter Cup!

I can't remember a more contentious beginning of a Presidency.  Even Kid Bush's first month wasn't this "ugly" as we say down South. His election was particularly nasty, especially at the end when the Democrats of South Florida forgot how to punch holes. However, for that, we give thanks. It saved us from an Al Gore Presidency, which would have been really weird and not in a good or fun way.

Part of the reason for this ugliness is a combination of cynical politics, histrionics, and the typical pouty millennial non-sense.

I can't count how many articles I've read stating President Trump is mentally ill.

The articles usually start, "I have 400 hundred degrees in psychology from all of the Major Big-Deal Universities in this country and although I have never met Donald Trump or conducted a major medical/psychological examination of him, I have drawn the conclusion from my massive gray matter that the man is as crazy as a Betsy bug."

The articles usually mention his lies ("If you like your doctor, you'll be able to keep you doctor.." oops, wrong one) and his narcissism as proof of his mental illness.

The narcissism is one that gets me. There's no denying that our President has a rather large self-regard for himself. However, if narcissism is a mental disorder, then a lot of people should be in the looney bin.

I've worked in the financial part of the health care industry for over 30 years. I've never seen a claim where the patient was being treated for narcissism. How would you treat someone with narcissism anyway?  Open a can of whoop ass?

I've said it once and I'll say again. Being a jerk is not a mental illness.

And our President can be a jerk at times.

Here's my explanation. The President is a 70-year-old billionaire who was the head of his privately owned company.  He has never answered to stockholders or a board. He had the final word.

If a subcontractor didn't perform up to par: don't pay him.  If he sues, we'll see him in court. He didn't perform up to my expectations. When he comes to the office looking for money- you bark back at him and tell him if he doesn't correct the problem he's not going to receive ONE RED CENT!  The sub don't like it? Tough. Good luck finding work after I tell everybody what a crummy job you do.

Repeat that for years. And years. And years. A person begins not caring about your initial response because he only cares about his goal: building the resort.  Everything else is just detail that nobody is going to remember.

Could he be nicer?  Yes.  Could he quit the Tweeting and still get his way?  Yes.  Could he refrain from the <cough> mischaracterizations of fact?  Yes. Will he pivot and "act" Presidential?  I doubt it.

But being Donald Trump is what made him a very rich man and President. Until people understand that and learn to adapt, they are going to wear themselves out.

Oh Atlanta

Not to brag, but I think I was the only one who was not shocked by the Atlanta Falcons blowing a 25 point lead in the third quarter to lose Super LI to the New England Patriots.

After all, I've lived in Atlanta all my life ( okay, Marietta) and I just assume an Atlanta sports team is going to do something goofy to lose an important game.

If it is not being deked out by a second baseman, it is a reliever hanging a slider to a second string catcher. It is having an infield fly rule called on a ball hit to left field.  That's just three things that happened to the Braves.

The Hawks drafted probably the best player of his era, but due to a contract snafu, only plays one game as a Hawk ( Julius Erving).

The Flames brought NHL hockey to Atlanta but they moved to Calgary in 1980. Of course, they won  The Stanley Cup eight years later.

But, the Falcons hold a special place in our hearts, because they have been a "special" franchise since the beginning.

The very first play in Falcon history was a kickoff. The Falcon kicker ran up to kick the ball. He missed it. I am not making this us.

It doesn't get much better.

One year, The Falcons were pretty competitive and they were even on "Monday Night Football", which was a big deal back then. They beat the mighty Minnesota Vikings. Atlanta was all abuzz about The Falcons making the playoffs.

Do I have to tell you their season fell apart after that game? Head Coach Norm Van Brocklin blamed "bartenders and Peachtree Street hookers".  Norm wasn't a player's coach.

How could we forget poor old Dave Hampton?  In the last game of the season, Hampton became the first running back in Falcon history to run for 1,000 yards. The game was stopped and Hampton was awarded the ball he carried for such a milestone. On the next play from scrimmage, he suffered a six-yard loss and finished the season with 994 yards. Again, I am not making this up.

The last time the Falcons went to the Super Bowl, they seemed more concerned with a new end zone dance they created ("The Dirty Bird" think of a new version of "The Funky Chicken") than with actually winning The Super Bowl. One player was arrested for seeking the services of a working girl. The Falcons got killed.

Now matter. The Falcons were on their way. The first game of the next season, their star running back, Jamaal Anderson, blew out his knee.

In this century, we had a truly incredible quarterback who was put in federal prison for dog fighting. A head coach quit before the end of the season to move to Arkansas.

I thought the Falcons had more than a puncher's chance at winning The Super Bowl. Turns out I was right. The Falcons were better than New England for three-quarters. The only problem is there are four quarters in football.

The GOAT of New England (GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time), Tom Brady, knew what he had to do to win. Atlanta didn't. That's all there is to it.

So now Atlanta has to deal with another funky loss. We were close. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
 
But at least we have pretty women. It will start feeling like spring around here pretty soon.

Which means Braves baseball is just around the corner, waiting to tear out our hearts.