Getting Bernt

"A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, 'Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?" –Conan O'Brien

It has been pointed out to me that I haven't commented on the race for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination.

Pardon me, but I have a life, you know.

Like most seasoned political observers, I assumed that former First Lady Senator Secretary Hillary Clinton was a lock in to win the Democratic nomination. This is despite the fact that she has the morals of a weasel. ("E-mails? The dog ate my e-mails. Benghazi? It was inspired by a vast right-wing conspiracy.")

Mrs. Clinton is the favorite to the win the Democratic nomination because of her powerful arguments.

One: Isn't is about time we had a woman president? I mean, really. Everybody else has had one, so come on!

Two: It just so happens I'm a woman!

Three: I was born in this country.

Four: Y'all owe me. Big Time. You deal with Bill's "Oh, sugar, she don't mean nothing to me" crap for forty years.

The nomination would be just a formality in prelude for the election of America's favorite gal married  to a total horn dog for political convenience.

Clinton drew, as we say in political observation circles, token opposition. Two of them were kinda/sorta Republicans that dropped out after someone made fun of them on "Saturday Night Live" and another was Martin O'Malley. Where have you gone Martin O'Malley? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

The last candidate was Bernie Sanders, the seventy-four year old Senator from Vermont. He describes himself as a Socialist.

In case you didn't notice, the Millennials are really into Bernie Sanders, even if he does seem like the old man that would yell at them walking through his yard. Maybe they want to go through his record (oops, sorry, vinyls) collection even though they'd probably find only four vinyls and three of them are Arlo Guthrie.

The reason Millennials like Sanders is simple: Millennials are stupid.

It is not their fault. Most young people are stupid and for some reason stupid people are very enthusiastic. They've heard about Team Clinton from their parents and its not a movie they want to see. Bernie is the new thing and he seems cool for an old coot.

Free college? Sure, why not? Just tax Wall Street. Income and wealth equality. Sure, why not? Just tax Wall Street. Rebuild America? Yes, let's rebuild those bridges! How?  Just tax Wall Street. Gah, people, aren't you listening.

Bernie takes courageous stands on some of the world's most pressing issues, like slow internet speed.

His website says, "We are only marginally better in terms of average broadband speed – 12th in the world.  Today, businesses, schools and families in Bucharest, Romania have access to much faster internet than most of the United States.  That is unacceptable and has got to change."  I'm sure this is the fault of the wealthiest one per-cent.

Bernie Sanders even has an opinion on PTO (Paid Time Off).

American workers are being denied a benefit that workers in every other advanced economy already enjoy. Europe, Australia, Canada, Japan, New Zealand … we are the only nation that doesn’t require employers to provide at least 10 days of paid vacation time.

There is no reason for that. Our country is every bit as prosperous as theirs – and it is prosperous because the men and women of this country work so hard.

I’m not asking for the most generous vacation policy in the world. This is nothing like what they get in France, Austria or Belgium. But I intend to push for a standard which befits a great nation.

There is no mention on the website about a National Causal Friday, where it would be against the law to wear a tie on Friday. While he's big on free college and healthcare, he says diddly squat about making sure every break room has some donuts.

I don't think Sanders is going to be the Democratic Party's nominee. It says a lot about Clinton that the old codger is getting any votes.

 

20 Things About 80's Music

 I also happened to listen to the radio in the 80's. Here's what I learned.


1) Billie Jean is not my lover.

2) She's just a girl.

3) But the kid is not my son. (How many of you thought Michael Jackson was saying "The chid is not my son".)

4) I like Sammy Hagar better in Van Halen than David Lee Roth, which apparently makes me a heretic.

5) Every girl is crazy about a sharped dressed man.

6) I hope when I get old I don't sit around and think about her. But I probably will.

7) The John Fogerty song, "The Old Man Down The Road" doesn't sound anything like his song "Run Through The Jungle" which he was sued for plagiarizing.  Weird because he wrote both songs. Only in rock and roll.

8) What's love got to do with it?

9) Hello?

10) Is it me you're looking for?

11) I didn't know Eddie Murphy could sing. Still don't.

12) You're going to have to face it: you're addicted to love.

13) If you want to hear your body talk, you are going to have to get physical.

14) We are the world, children, and the ones that make a brighter day so let's start giving.

15) I don't know what hooked me more: her raspberry beret or the fact she walked in through the out door.

16) The only part of the song "Take My Breath Away" I know are the words "take my breath away".

17) If you play music you get money for nothing and your chicks for free.

18) There are  Deadhead stickers on a Cadillacs.

19) There's nothing you can do for a total eclipse of the heart, bright eyes.

20) The future will always be bright enough for shades.

Turn Around Bright Eyes

There Were These Two Corinthians...

It is an understatement to say this political season has been weird. It has been strange, bizarre, and totally wacko. Case in point: Donald Trump is making a run at the Evangelical vote in the Republican Party.

Think about that for a second. Donald Trump has been married three times. He has traded in a wife when she has aged and upgraded to a younger/better looking woman. His current wife, a former model, has posed nude. If Trump is elected, this would be the first First Lady that has posed nude since Dolly Madison did it in a colonial version of Playboy.

He has bragged about his sexual conquests.  He claims to have had sex with some of "the top women of the world". No word if this also includes Dolly Madison. (It would be tasteless for me to add Trump's reason for his prowess: "I'm huge".)

He has stated that he never asks for God's forgiveness and that he doesn't forgive.  That definitely includes Dolly Madison who he called "A total fat pig slut who chews with her mouth open."

He really loves money. Almost as much as he loves himself.  Neither the love of money or egotism is a fruit of the spirit.

I'm not judging the guy. (Man, if there is one Bible verse everyone has memorized). I'm simply using my gift of discernment. Trump is as about as pagan as a person can get.

But, he really needs the Evangelical vote to win the Republican nomination. So Trump has been focusing on Evangelicals this week.

First, he dropped by Liberty University to give a speech.  It was truly a work of art.

He was trying to connect to the Liberty students when he said this: "Two Corinthians, 3:17, that's the whole ballgame".  This is a major faux pas. Nobody in the Evangelical world uses the term "Two Corinthians". It is "Second Corinthians".

(In the interest of fairness, because we all know we need to cut Trump some slack, prominent theologian N.T. Wright often says "Two Corinthians". But N.T. Wright is from England so it doesn't count.)

Nope, Trump was just trying to impress the kids with his Biblical knowledge. It made an impression all right. One student said  Trump seemed "on the lower side of being authentic".

Then Trump went to Iowa and trotted out our old pal Sarah Palin. Gov. Palin's endorsement speech was not one of her better efforts. She seemed shrill and was yelling in this high pitched nasal voice like she was begging Tina Fey to do another impression.

Here's part of her speech.

 “He is from the private sector, not a politician, can I get a “Hallelujah!” Where, in the private sector, you actually have to balance budgets in order to prioritize, to keep the main thing, the main thing, and he knows the main thing: a president is to keep us safe economically and militarily. He knows the main thing, and he knows how to lead the charge. So troops, hang in there, because help’s on the way because he, better than anyone, isn’t he known for being able to command, fire! Are you ready for a commander-in-chief, you ready for a commander-in-chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS ass? Ready for someone who will secure our borders, to secure our jobs, and to secure our homes? Ready to make America great again, are you ready to stump for Trump? I’m here to support the next president of the United States, Donald Trump."

The "main thing" here is that Palin has given Evangelicals the okay to use the word "ass" in situations that do not involve talking Biblical donkeys.  This could really liven up a lot of Sunday School lessons.

We don't know if this is playing well in Iowa. While Palin was speaking, Trump was standing by her looking like he was thinking, "Well, if this is what these hayseeds want".  The strategy  is that if Trump can win in Iowa, he can start measuring the drapes for the Oval Office.

If that happens, we'll need all the prayers we can get.

The Dude Drop

One of the problems with trying to write a weekly humor blog is sometimes you run out of material.

Sure, I guess I could write about Donald Trump again, but that gets boring.  The primary season is coming up and I need to save all of my Trump jokes.

But leave it to my hometown, Marietta (or as my friend Tater calls it: "Mayberry-etta"), Georgia to come to my rescue.

First, the details. Marietta has a nifty town square.  It is a gem. The Marietta Powers That Be have really improved the Square over the past thirty years. There's a lot of little shops where you can find cool little do-dads. It has several restaurants, including The Local, which serves really BIG biscuits.

A group of city leaders decided to make The Square a destination this holiday season. The first thing they came up with was an ice skating rink.

Of course, this is the South, where it can still be rather warm during the Christmas season, but I happened upon the ice skating rink and it was really neat. So the ice skating rink can be considered a success.

Then they came up with an idea to have people come to The Square during New Year's Eve: Have a ball drop at midnight just like they do in New York City. This is when it started to get weird.

It was promoted as a ball drop. From the Marietta Daily Journal on December 28, 2015: " To ring in the new year, celebration events are planned across Cobb County, including on Marietta Square, which is set to host its first New Year’s Eve celebration with live music, ice sculpting and a ball drop at midnight." So far, so good, right? The article continues: "The “ball” will actually be an 8-foot cube with the letter M on it playing off of the geometric shape of the Square." Okay, well, I guess, it wouldn't be my first choice, but whatever.  Sterling Wharton, President of The Branding Project which is a group that promotes Marietta said this: "I think it will be a unique surprise to everyone. I think it will be something where folks will be surprised".

As Scooby-Doo used to say, "Rut roh, Shaggy".

Here is what happened, again from the Marietta Daily Journal:

"As the last seconds of 2015 counted down, the crowd on Marietta Square turned its eyes to a box suspended by a crane 50 feet in the air.

Emerging from the box was a shirtless man in sparkly gold pants who performed acrobatic gyrations on a trapeze.

The plan was for the acrobat to perform while a countdown sounded and “Auld Lang Syne” rang out over the speakers, organizers said.

But a glitch in the sound system meant most people couldn’t hear anything as they watched the dancer emerge to greet the New Year like a freshly hatched chick."

So instead of a "ball drop" you have a "shirtless man in sparkly gold pants" performing "acrobatic gyrations on a trapeze". The Marietta Daily Journal then quoted former Congressman Bob Barr: "I would just describe him as a trapeze artist, and he was very good at that, but what a trapeze artist has to do with a New Year’s Eve celebration sort of escaped me."  It did me too, Bob, and I went to Cobb County Public Schools.

There was other negative reactions. On the city's Facebook page someone posted, "Super uncomfortable when the way too young 1/2 naked guy starts falling from the square nothing says happy new year like that, right? … Glad I left my children with their grandparents.”  This sums up the negative response in that people were not prepared for a shirtless man in sparkly gold pants to ring in the New Year.

One of the planners responded,  "Cheer up folks, there is always the corn boiling you can look forward to". (Note to non-Cobb Countians: "The corn boiling" is an event in July that the Sheriff puts on and all of the political people go to it.)

I want to emphasize to the planners that I am not just another one of those local yokel yahoos who's the reason we can't have nice things around here. Just this last summer, my wife and I went to The Museum of Modern Art in New York City. We saw Van Gogh, Monet, and a couple of paintings that were obviously influenced by what art historians call "heavy hallucinogenic drugs".

When we went there was a special exhibit on the "works" of Yoko Ono Lennon. Rock historians generally describe Yoko Ono as "one weird chick".

One of the "works" was a film about a fly walking around on a nude woman's body.  I'm not quite sure what makes this "art" except the woman was naked because if you want to make something "art" just throw a naked woman in it. I just wondered how they got the fly to walk around the body. In my experience, flies do what they want. The only explanation is Yoko told the fly the she was going to sing if it didn't walk all over the body.

So, just a bit of advice, not being reactionary or anything might remotely seem like I'm an uptight Baptist offended by shirtless men. If you are going to promote a New Year's Eve Ball Drop, drop a New Year's Eve ball. If you want to have somebody jump out of a box with an M on it, promote that.

Personally, I think a Big Chicken should have been dropped.  You could even put sparkly pants on it.

From The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

2015: Forget About It.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

2015 is an old acquaintance that should be forgotten and never brought to mind. Any year that begins with the death of Ellie Mae Clampett deserves to the forgotten.

Speaking of forgotten, does anyone remember who won a Grammy this year? Or who was even nominated?

Does anyone remember why records, pardon me, vinyls, became obsolete in the first place?

Remember the 2015 Super Bowl? Sure you do. Tom Brady and his deflated balls, ha, ha.  The Patriots won by the way.

Remember that great commercial during the Super Bowl from Nationwide Insurance about a child dying? I'd rather seen Peyton Manning humming their jingle for a minute.

How about The World Series? Remember that? It was just a couple of weeks ago. It was won by Kansas City.  I think Golden State won the NBA championship but that was a long time ago.

Does anyone remember Scott Walker?  He's the governor of Wisconsin and was supposed to be the acceptable candidate to the both The Establishment wing and the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party.  That didn't quite happen.

Does anyone remember an excuse Hillary Clinton has ever given that sounded plausible?



Have we all forgotten about David Letterman? How about Jon Stewart ( I know I have.)

Remember when "Mad Men" was the best TV show ever? Then, like time, it marched on to the 70's and featured Roger Sterling with a goofy mustache.

Does anyone remember a time when Donald Trump was not mentioned on the news? Or on the phone giving an interview? Or saying anything that was not ludicrous from the get-go? ("You can get bacon from a cow. It is called Cow Bacon and it is fabulous and it going to be the next big thing. Oh look, I just increased my lead in the latest Wartburg College poll of Iowans who have heard of Donald  Trump. Look Jeb Bush is now at a minus eight in popularity. That's because he is a loser and has an irregular menstrual cycle.  I saw Carly Fiorina naked on a rooftop in Jersey City celebrating 9/11 with a bunch of Mooslem Mexicans here illegally. I didn't even check out her breasticles because I couldn't get over her face. Anyway, that's why I want to make America great again.")

Does anyone remember when Ben Carson was celebrated as a skilled brain surgeon instead of portrayed as a sleepy weirdo because of his opinions on Egyptian pyramids?
 

Does anyone remember a time when you didn't think of Larry David when you saw Bernie Sanders?

Does anyone remember when it was at least chilly at Christmas time?

Does anyone remember exactly why they voted for President Obama?

Does anyone remember a time when people didn't try to win every  discussion or disagreement? Or a time in which you were not called a "bigot", "racist", "homophobe" et.al for having an opinion that the President of the United States had in 2008?

Let's not remember those times. Instead, let's remember the family of the victims of the church shooting in Charleston, South Carolina telling the killer, not even 48 hours afterward, that they forgave him.

Let's remember my buddy, Wayne Clancy, who went way out of his way to show high school kids that all of them was worth something to somebody.

Two personal things I will always remember. My son married his  college sweetheart. My wife and I became "empty nesters" which is great for reasons I won't go into because it makes my younger readers sick.

The second was a call from my wife saying the bone lesion on her vertebrae was benign. You never forget something like that.

I Hope You Wobble.

This is sort of late in life to announce this: I am a dancing fool.

Find Me

Actually, more "fool" than anything else, but I have decided that at weddings, class reunions, etc not to be a stick in the mud, but to actually get out on the floor and boogie.

Getting out on the floor and booging was big back in the 70's, the time of my youth. There was a genre of music back then called "Disco" (better known in Latin as "Realiter Sugit") which wanted us to get up and boogie. They also wanted you to get up to get down. It was a decade of mixed signals.

It was a decade when people put on their boogie shoes. I don't think I had any.

The first time I ever danced, in front actual people, was my senior prom. Personally, I thought I was amazing. I remember doing something resembling the modern dance of the period, which I think was The Hustle or maybe it was The Bump. It could have been The Robot, which if you ask me, is an annoying dance when someone else does it. All I know is that for the first time in my life I remember being very sweaty in a tuxedo.

It just so happened that my classmates didn't know how to dance either. I guess I don't need to explain I went to an all white high school. Except for one of my fellow white guys.

The lead singer of the band that played (Brookwood Station, really) announced "We have a dancing machine!" and out stepped this guy who began to really dance, above  the"American Bandstand" level but a little below the "Soul Train" level.

This boy was putting the boogie in the boogie-oogie-oogie. We were all standing around, watching and clapping for him. It was kind of like "Saturday Night Fever", except with heterosexuals. Then it happened.

He decided to do a split and it split his pants.

I've never had anything embarrassing like that ever happen to me. Nope, I don't need my pants to split to cause people to remember my dancing.

How would one describe my dancing ability? It is part Elaine from "Seinfeld", part Chuck Berry, part Chubby Checker and part Mikhail Baryshnikov. What I lack in rhythm and grace, I make up for in pure spasticity and enthusiasm.

My basic dance is free form modification of "The Twist" except I look like I'm stomping out a floor full of cigarettes most of the time. Believe it or not, I can get by with this type of dance most of the time.

The problem is the line dances.  This is when people get on the dance floor and they have to dance the same dance in a line, which for a renegade like me is difficult.

The music for the line dances is very bossy, It is always telling you what do-which leg to shake, where to stand, hop, jump around, and cha-cha,

One new line dance is called "The Wobble". My son learned to do "The Wobble" while he was a student at Georgia Southern University, so don't tell me my money was well spent.

At the past couple of weddings, I have had boogie fever. So much so that my son tried to teach me to "Wobble", so I wouldn't bring disgrace to the family.  His instructions: "First, you jump like this. Then you do this. Then you do that".

Well, we went to a wedding last weekend for one of his high school buddies.  To prepare myself for the reception. I watched a YouTube instructional video. The instructions: "First, you jump like this. Then you do this. Then you do that."

The time for dancing came. I was amazing during "Uptown Funk", especially when I realized I was the oldest person on the dance floor.

The big moment arrived:  "The Wobble". First, I jumped. Then I did this. Then I did that. If I was being graded on a curve, I might have past a Wobble test, if the instructor was blind.

I did manage to impress someone. A lovely lady said I was "something". Okay, it was my wife but I think she meant it.

No Offense

On the behalf of myself and the other Boomer parents, I would like to apologize to the world for creating the most spoiled rotten bunch of weenies ever to step forth on earth.


Which is an accomplishment itself considering we the worst until this current crop came along.


Most of our parents were raised during The Depression.  Just in case this isn't discussed anymore in American History (which is a distinct possibility) The Depression was caused by Republicans because they wanted to take the working man's money. That's how my Dad explained it.


The Depression made everyone walk three miles to school, in the snow (even if they lived in Florida) and it was uphill both ways.  Everybody's family had twenty kids and they all slept in the same bed.


For reasons my Dad never explained, The Depression lasted about ten years after a Democrat was elected President. Then, came World War II. After World II ended the soldiers came home and had sex. This sex lasted about 18 years from 1946-1964.


In comparison to the previous generation, we Boomers had it made because our parents didn't want us go through what they went through: poverty and war.


We grew up with television. It wasn't the big screens we have now. The screens were smaller and YOU HAD TO GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND TURN A KNOB TO CHANGE CHANNELS.

Lord, when President Johnson gave a speech, it was an important event and it was on every channel. We only had four or five channel and your evening was shot because after President Johnson spoke, the old men on TV had to explain what he just said. Of course, if you ever heard President Johnson speak, this was a necessity. ("Mah feller 'Mericans. Ah com to ewe wid a heavy heardt")


We had it rough.


So when we had children, we didn't want our children to go through what we went through: self doubt that you are not the most precious thing ever created in the universe. Or missing your favorite show, like "Flipper".  "Flipper" was about a dolphin and his goofy looking human friends who would fight crime by swimming.

Now we have a crop of young adults who become offended at every little thing. Witness Yale University where people have become unhinged over "offensive" Halloween costumes. These are our best and brightest children. I would advise you to sell your bonds.


Witness what happened at The University of Missouri. There may/may not have been a swastika of feces (Swastika of Feces opened for The Cars in 1984). There may/may not have been a mean person driving around using racial slurs. It could have been somebody driving around listening to hip-hop music really loud. Nobody really knows for sure. But several high ranking college officials lost their jobs so it had to be important because it is hard to lose a college job.


Witness Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. When Jenner decided to become a woman, I thought it was a joke. Honest. Then when he became Caitlyn, we all had to celebrate it, even though me lady still has a wang-dang.  There were some very serious Twitter tweets warning that everyone would have to call Jenner "Caitlyn" even though some of us have been referring to him as Bruce for forty years. It would have been nicer if he she came up with a name like Brucella.

Here's the dirty honest truth about life. People are going to say and do things that you don't like. Some of those people are going to be related to you. Some of them are going to hold political beliefs that are contrary to yours. They may want to express those beliefs. There's not much you can do about it.

I hope you don't take offense to that.