I like to inform my readers of the various issues exploding in the Evangelical Christian world. You may remember last year I wrote about Rob Bell, of The Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan and his book I’m Really Cool and Wear Hip Glasses. Ha, Ha, just a little blogosphere humor. His book was titled Love Wins and it seemed to state, although not very directly, that everybody goes to heaven, because when you get down to it, the Lord is just a big o’ softy.
To update you regarding Bell, he has loaded up the church van and moved to Beverly with its swimming pools and movie stars. He has hooked up with the executive producer of Lost and created a new television drama called, “Stronger”. It is about the spiritual journey of a musician named Tom Stronger. I am not making this up.
The latest book to set an explosion off in the Evangelical world is Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll of The Mars Hill Church (another Mars Hill Church?) in Seattle, Washington. Whereas Bell was a kind of hipster poet of the Young Evangelicals, Driscoll is a bull looking for a china shop.
Driscoll first came to our attention in the too cool for Sunday School book Blue Like Jazz, where he was anointed as “The Cussing Preacher”. He really didn’t cuss that badly. It has been described as more PG-13 instead of R. Still, Driscoll has a reputation of being rather blunt and Real Marriage is extra frank and “authentic” to a ridiculous degree. Particularly in a chapter of the book titled “Can We _____”. Let’s just say Brother Mark is not very clinical in his discussion about the physics of sex (that sounds like a good name for a band) and leave it at that.
Driscoll presents some real Too Much Information moments from his marriage . Driscoll enjoyed “catin’ around” as my mother would say, before he became a Christian. Mrs. Driscoll also had a fall from Grace, so to speak, before she rededicated her life back to the Lord. This leads to this strange passage, that has made the rounds on the internet:
“One night, as we approached the birth of our first child, Ashley, and the launch of our church, I had a dream in which I saw some things that shook me to my core. I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating. It was so clear it was like watching a film—something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelation I sometimes receive. I awoke, threw up, and spent the rest of the night sitting on our couch, praying, hoping it was untrue, and waiting for her to wake up so I could ask her. I asked her if it was true, fearing the answer. Yes, she confessed, it was. Grace started weeping and trying to apologize for lying to me, but I honestly don’t remember the details of the conversation, as I was shell-shocked. Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her.”
I cannot imagine any husband saying, “Sweetie, I had this dream where you were doing the Birmingham Bump with that guy from school you used to like, yeah, the one with the zits on the side of his face that looked like Idaho. Is that true?” Every wife I know, including my own, would punch her husband in the eyeball before she ran upstairs to go on the computer to look for a good D-I-V-O-R-C-E lawyer to email to see if you can get out of a marriage due to sudden insanity.
I once shared a dream with my wife. I was at East Cobb Junior High School. I had a date to an eighth grade basketball game. My date was Jane Seymour. My wife asked me if Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was “nekkid”? No, I explained, she wore a yellow sweater. Lori wept, from laughter, because she didn’t know I had this thing for Jane Seymour. I thought I had mentioned it. I know I mentioned Lynda Carter, but that’s another dream.
I know Driscoll has a ministry to people who have been raised in a super sex soaked society and his heart may be in the right place. I wish he would take a page from Charlie Rich and keep some things behind closed doors.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Playoffs? Who Said Anything About Playoffs?
The 2011 College Football season ended with a flat game with the winner of The BCS Championship being a team that: A) didn’t win their conference or B) win their division in their conference. One of these days, the winner of The BCS Championship will be a team that doesn’t win a game and doesn’t play football.
In the greatest song ever written about my people, “Rednecks” by Randy Newman, he says, “College men from LSU: went in dumb-come out dumb, too”. It was never more true than Monday night. The LSU offensive game plan included this play: “Drop the ball then fall on it”. Jordan Jefferson, the LSU quarterback has never looked more out of it than Monday night, and that is saying something.
It was a year that began with a rabid Alabama fan (are there any other kind?) poisoning the iconic Oak Trees at Toomer’s Corner on the Auburn campus and then calling a radio sports talk show to brag about it. Harvey Updyke was caught, arrested, and will face trail on March 17, 2012 for poisoning those trees. Of course, he has a Facebook page requesting donations to help pay for his expenses which include his $50,000 bond. (Updyke was in New Orleans for the game. Fortunately for Mike The Tiger, Alabama won.)
To show you how bad this past College Football season has been, there may be, hopefully, possibly some kind of discussion about changing the current the BCS system into something that might make sense. The BCS (Bowl Championship Series) system began in 1998 after years and years and years and years of complaints that the Division One “system” of choosing a champion was based on the votes of coaches (who were too busy with their own games to pay attention to how other teams were playing) and sports writers (who were too drunk to pay attention to how teams that were not named Notre Dame were playing).
So the powers that be came up with a formula which included a poll of coaches, a computer ranking, and the eye of a newt to create The BCS. It turns out, amazingly, that this system was just about as dumb.
The University Presidents liked The BCS because it sounded so smart and foolproof. It should be noted that there are three other divisions of NCAA Football and they use this thing called a playoff. Radical idea, I know, since a range of bowls has grown up over the past 40 years that pay schools to play in their lil'l bowl games. These bowls used to have names like “The Bluebonnet Bowl” and “The Peach Bowl”. Now they have names like “The Fight Homophobia and Other Oppressions of The Ninety-Nine Per Cent Bowl”.
Since the main job of a University President is to raise money, the idea of gutting the Bowl System is killing a goose that lays a golden egg, even if it is “The R + L Carriers New Orleans Have We Mention Katrina Bowl” golden egg. So the University Presidents have, in the past, raised the specter that having a playoff system would interfere with the football players’ studies, particularly their final exams. I will allow you a few minutes to quit laughing over that one.
Was it the Rube Goldberg contraption of The BCS that has caused the various conferences to revisit the idea of a playoff? Of course not, it was the fact that The SEC has won the last six BCS Championship games and that this last game featured two teams from The SEC. This has caused The NCAA to lose money and nothing makes The NCAA move like losing money.
Knowing The NCAA, they’ll create a new system that will sort of/kind of be a playoff that will guarantee Notre Dame will always be in hunt for a National Championship. Either that or the National Championship team will be named by Kirk Herbstreit before the season begins.
In the greatest song ever written about my people, “Rednecks” by Randy Newman, he says, “College men from LSU: went in dumb-come out dumb, too”. It was never more true than Monday night. The LSU offensive game plan included this play: “Drop the ball then fall on it”. Jordan Jefferson, the LSU quarterback has never looked more out of it than Monday night, and that is saying something.
It was a year that began with a rabid Alabama fan (are there any other kind?) poisoning the iconic Oak Trees at Toomer’s Corner on the Auburn campus and then calling a radio sports talk show to brag about it. Harvey Updyke was caught, arrested, and will face trail on March 17, 2012 for poisoning those trees. Of course, he has a Facebook page requesting donations to help pay for his expenses which include his $50,000 bond. (Updyke was in New Orleans for the game. Fortunately for Mike The Tiger, Alabama won.)
To show you how bad this past College Football season has been, there may be, hopefully, possibly some kind of discussion about changing the current the BCS system into something that might make sense. The BCS (Bowl Championship Series) system began in 1998 after years and years and years and years of complaints that the Division One “system” of choosing a champion was based on the votes of coaches (who were too busy with their own games to pay attention to how other teams were playing) and sports writers (who were too drunk to pay attention to how teams that were not named Notre Dame were playing).
So the powers that be came up with a formula which included a poll of coaches, a computer ranking, and the eye of a newt to create The BCS. It turns out, amazingly, that this system was just about as dumb.
The University Presidents liked The BCS because it sounded so smart and foolproof. It should be noted that there are three other divisions of NCAA Football and they use this thing called a playoff. Radical idea, I know, since a range of bowls has grown up over the past 40 years that pay schools to play in their lil'l bowl games. These bowls used to have names like “The Bluebonnet Bowl” and “The Peach Bowl”. Now they have names like “The Fight Homophobia and Other Oppressions of The Ninety-Nine Per Cent Bowl”.
Since the main job of a University President is to raise money, the idea of gutting the Bowl System is killing a goose that lays a golden egg, even if it is “The R + L Carriers New Orleans Have We Mention Katrina Bowl” golden egg. So the University Presidents have, in the past, raised the specter that having a playoff system would interfere with the football players’ studies, particularly their final exams. I will allow you a few minutes to quit laughing over that one.
Was it the Rube Goldberg contraption of The BCS that has caused the various conferences to revisit the idea of a playoff? Of course not, it was the fact that The SEC has won the last six BCS Championship games and that this last game featured two teams from The SEC. This has caused The NCAA to lose money and nothing makes The NCAA move like losing money.
Knowing The NCAA, they’ll create a new system that will sort of/kind of be a playoff that will guarantee Notre Dame will always be in hunt for a National Championship. Either that or the National Championship team will be named by Kirk Herbstreit before the season begins.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Who Will Not Become President: Ron Paul
One of the more interesting aspects of this election cycle is the incarnation of Libertarian thought in Congressman Dr. Ron Paul, a “Republican” candidate for President. Dr. Paul is a true RINO-Republican in Name Only much like the late Congressman Larry McDonald (of Cobb County, naturally) was a true DINO-Democrat in Name Only. McDonald was a card carrying member of The John Birch Society and ran as a Democrat because that’s who won elections in Georgia back then. Paul is a Libertarian that runs as a Republican because that’s how you get elected to Congress in that part of Texas.
Congressman Paul is very popular in some circles, particularly those circles which write on message boards in CAPITAL LETTERS. However, he has some huge problems.
One is undeniable. Paul is 76 years old and would be 77 years old when he would take the oath of office. That is very, very, old. Sure, Reagan was in that ballpark, but he was almost finished with his term by that age. We are going to replace one of the younger Presidents in history with the oldest ever elected? That’s a hard sell.
Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is a problem too.
I have been aware of Libertarianism since I was 10 years old (that’s when Neal Boortz started in radio career here in Atlanta at WRNG). In its purest form, Libertarianism is an essential American philosophy- it believes that if you mind you own business, you won’t have time to mind mine. In this age of The Nanny State (actually, The Naggy State is a better description), Libertarianism has gain popularity.
The young people have gravitated to Paul. Let’s be blunt. A lot of those kids just want to be Republican Party Reptiles. The current generation of Libertarians seem like they are interested in one thing: Marijuana. (Boortz complains about this too.) It is one thing to hear Milton Friedman discuss the benefits of the legalization of Marijuana and another to hear it from your typical Libertarian (20-40 year old male that smells like a pumpkin patch).
Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is also very isolationist. It is not “Pre 9/11” it is “Pre December 7, 1941”. When Paul speaks about foreign policy it often sounds like he is sitting in a rocking chair at The Cracker Barrel spouting off about what ‘Merica should do. It doesn’t show any real serious thought.
The Paul people don’t like the mentioning of the 90’s Ron Paul newsletters that had some non-politically correct (i.e.: racist and Anti-Semitic) stuff. Ron Paul’s response is very disturbing because it: 1) Sounds like a bold face lie and he thinks you are stupid enough to buy it or 2)He doesn’t pay any attention to anything that goes on around him in his name.
Personally, I pick reason one. I have worked in the Health Insurance industry for 26 years. To think that a physician, any physician, would be unaware of what is going in anything he is associated with strains belief. Part of being a physician is being aware of what is going on with your patients and your practice. The idea that he would allow his name to on a publication and be unaware of what is in the publication is incredible and goes against all my experience with physicians.
This election presents Ron Paul has a great opportunity: to help re-elect Barack Obama. One way is to win the Republican nomination. That ain’t going to happen. The second is to run as a third party candidate. If Paul and his fans want to ensure the re-election of Barack Obama, go right ahead. It just validates my belief that some people actually want to lose this election.
Congressman Paul is very popular in some circles, particularly those circles which write on message boards in CAPITAL LETTERS. However, he has some huge problems.
One is undeniable. Paul is 76 years old and would be 77 years old when he would take the oath of office. That is very, very, old. Sure, Reagan was in that ballpark, but he was almost finished with his term by that age. We are going to replace one of the younger Presidents in history with the oldest ever elected? That’s a hard sell.
Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is a problem too.
I have been aware of Libertarianism since I was 10 years old (that’s when Neal Boortz started in radio career here in Atlanta at WRNG). In its purest form, Libertarianism is an essential American philosophy- it believes that if you mind you own business, you won’t have time to mind mine. In this age of The Nanny State (actually, The Naggy State is a better description), Libertarianism has gain popularity.
The young people have gravitated to Paul. Let’s be blunt. A lot of those kids just want to be Republican Party Reptiles. The current generation of Libertarians seem like they are interested in one thing: Marijuana. (Boortz complains about this too.) It is one thing to hear Milton Friedman discuss the benefits of the legalization of Marijuana and another to hear it from your typical Libertarian (20-40 year old male that smells like a pumpkin patch).
Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is also very isolationist. It is not “Pre 9/11” it is “Pre December 7, 1941”. When Paul speaks about foreign policy it often sounds like he is sitting in a rocking chair at The Cracker Barrel spouting off about what ‘Merica should do. It doesn’t show any real serious thought.
The Paul people don’t like the mentioning of the 90’s Ron Paul newsletters that had some non-politically correct (i.e.: racist and Anti-Semitic) stuff. Ron Paul’s response is very disturbing because it: 1) Sounds like a bold face lie and he thinks you are stupid enough to buy it or 2)He doesn’t pay any attention to anything that goes on around him in his name.
Personally, I pick reason one. I have worked in the Health Insurance industry for 26 years. To think that a physician, any physician, would be unaware of what is going in anything he is associated with strains belief. Part of being a physician is being aware of what is going on with your patients and your practice. The idea that he would allow his name to on a publication and be unaware of what is in the publication is incredible and goes against all my experience with physicians.
This election presents Ron Paul has a great opportunity: to help re-elect Barack Obama. One way is to win the Republican nomination. That ain’t going to happen. The second is to run as a third party candidate. If Paul and his fans want to ensure the re-election of Barack Obama, go right ahead. It just validates my belief that some people actually want to lose this election.
Monday, December 26, 2011
2012 Election Headquarters
Here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters, I and my staff (Gracie the Cat) have reviewed the upcoming 2012 Presidential election. We have come to two conclusions.
One conclusion is that Ron Paul supporters are everywhere. You could write a nice humorous bit about, oh, Christmas shopping and find your e-mail stuffed with e-mails from Ron Paul supporters about how great Ron Paul is.(How great? Answer: Ron Paul is very, very great.)
The second conclusion is that a majority of Ron Paul supporters can only type in CAPITAL LETTERS. Look at any message board about the 2012 campaign and you will find it clogged with Ron Paul supports stating: RON PAUL IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES SENSE! ROMNEY IS A CHINESE COMMUNIST. NEWT GINGRICH WEARS A BRA. SO DOES MICHELE BACHMANN. OH MAN I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT MICHELE BACHMANN IN A WONDER WOMEN OUTFIT. WAIT… ONLY RON PAUL CAN SAVE US. PRAY EVERY NIGHT TO RON PAUL AND MAYBE HE WILL HAVE MERCY ON US AND TELL US ONCE AGAIN ABOUT THE FEDERAL RESERVE.
It is getting around to crunch time for the 2012 election. President Obama, after spending years lecturing us about the need to be civil has apparently decided to go all Karl Rove on the national rear end. The theme for the President’s re-election is VOTE OBAMA AND NOBODY GETS HURT. Four years ago this guy was all Skittles, Rainbows, and Unicorns. Now, he’s warning about giving the keys back to the people that got us into this ditch which he was supposed to tow us out of but it turns out that this economy thing is real complicated. The answer to all our economic woes: tax millionaires and billionaires, starting with families that make two hundred and fifty thousand a year.
There are two individuals leading in the GOP race. One is Willard Mittford (“Mitt”) Romney. The other is anybody else. First it was Tim Pawlenty, who got out when he discovered that Presidential candidates have to answer questions. Then it was Michele Bachmann, who believes an injection can instantly turn a human being retarded. Then it was Rick Perry, who turns out was retarded. Then it was Herman Cain who had 9-9-9 problems and the chick ain't one. Now it is Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul, depending on who you ask. Gingrich’s motto is “Hey, I’m Fundamentally A Different Guy Now”. He has couple of problems: 1) Everybody hates him and 2) Nobody likes him.
Here at Humor Me Political Headquarters, Gracie and I have concluded that the GOP nominee will be either Romney or somebody else. For some odd reason, Romney is not generating any buzz. Maybe it is all of those bumper stickers that read: Romney: Might as Well and Romney, I Guess.
Romney got a huge boast the other day when First President George Bush (aka: George Herbert Walker Winslow Nelson Bush) gave a sort of/kind of endorsement that only a Bush could give. “This Romney guy just might work out, I suppose”. First President Bush went on to describe that he thinks Newt Gingrich is a “Doo-Doo Head” despite being a “swell guy”.
The Iowa Caucuses are only a week away and you can count on us here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters to keep you up to date with all of the latest news after we watch it on television and if there’s not a ball game on.
One conclusion is that Ron Paul supporters are everywhere. You could write a nice humorous bit about, oh, Christmas shopping and find your e-mail stuffed with e-mails from Ron Paul supporters about how great Ron Paul is.(How great? Answer: Ron Paul is very, very great.)
The second conclusion is that a majority of Ron Paul supporters can only type in CAPITAL LETTERS. Look at any message board about the 2012 campaign and you will find it clogged with Ron Paul supports stating: RON PAUL IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES SENSE! ROMNEY IS A CHINESE COMMUNIST. NEWT GINGRICH WEARS A BRA. SO DOES MICHELE BACHMANN. OH MAN I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT MICHELE BACHMANN IN A WONDER WOMEN OUTFIT. WAIT… ONLY RON PAUL CAN SAVE US. PRAY EVERY NIGHT TO RON PAUL AND MAYBE HE WILL HAVE MERCY ON US AND TELL US ONCE AGAIN ABOUT THE FEDERAL RESERVE.
It is getting around to crunch time for the 2012 election. President Obama, after spending years lecturing us about the need to be civil has apparently decided to go all Karl Rove on the national rear end. The theme for the President’s re-election is VOTE OBAMA AND NOBODY GETS HURT. Four years ago this guy was all Skittles, Rainbows, and Unicorns. Now, he’s warning about giving the keys back to the people that got us into this ditch which he was supposed to tow us out of but it turns out that this economy thing is real complicated. The answer to all our economic woes: tax millionaires and billionaires, starting with families that make two hundred and fifty thousand a year.
There are two individuals leading in the GOP race. One is Willard Mittford (“Mitt”) Romney. The other is anybody else. First it was Tim Pawlenty, who got out when he discovered that Presidential candidates have to answer questions. Then it was Michele Bachmann, who believes an injection can instantly turn a human being retarded. Then it was Rick Perry, who turns out was retarded. Then it was Herman Cain who had 9-9-9 problems and the chick ain't one. Now it is Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul, depending on who you ask. Gingrich’s motto is “Hey, I’m Fundamentally A Different Guy Now”. He has couple of problems: 1) Everybody hates him and 2) Nobody likes him.
Here at Humor Me Political Headquarters, Gracie and I have concluded that the GOP nominee will be either Romney or somebody else. For some odd reason, Romney is not generating any buzz. Maybe it is all of those bumper stickers that read: Romney: Might as Well and Romney, I Guess.
Romney got a huge boast the other day when First President George Bush (aka: George Herbert Walker Winslow Nelson Bush) gave a sort of/kind of endorsement that only a Bush could give. “This Romney guy just might work out, I suppose”. First President Bush went on to describe that he thinks Newt Gingrich is a “Doo-Doo Head” despite being a “swell guy”.
The Iowa Caucuses are only a week away and you can count on us here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters to keep you up to date with all of the latest news after we watch it on television and if there’s not a ball game on.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Rudolph Recap
In case you have missed this Christmas special that has appeared on television every year since 1964, here is the recap of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a kind of/sort of puppet cartoon show based on the Christmas song that I once sang in Latin in high school. “Rudolphus rubrinasus fulgentissimo naso, vidisti et si eum dicas candere”. Ah, the memories of high school. It took years of therapy and medication to get over it.
It begins with spinning headlines of newspapers informing us that the weather is bad. Then we meet Sam the Snowman. He acts surprised that you have never seen a talking snowmanwith a goatee who plays the banjo and wears a vest but no pants. He begins telling a long story about how they almost had to cancel Christmas.
As a kid, the idea of someone canceling Christmas ranked right up there with nuclear war as the worst possible thing that could happen. So Sam the Talking Goateed Snowman had our attention.
It seems Donner, Santa’s lead reindeer and Mrs. Donner had a baby buck. They named him Rudolph because they liked the name and they sent him to the finest school in town. Soon, they noticed his red nose and that “it glows”. Today, this would have meant Rudolph was “special”. Back in the 60’s, it just meant that it was another thing to hide from the neighbors, like Donner’s gambling habit.
Santa drops by to see the brand new baby and of course, he reinforces their prejudice against red noses, like it has anything to do with pulling a sleigh. Santa breaks out into a song about being the “king of jingle-ling”. This Santa is very self absorbed.
We are then introduced to a weird elf named Hermey who wants to become a dentist because “he doesn’t like being an elf”. This was the start of the Occupy North Pole movement. Anyway, Hermey decides to runaway from Christmas Town instead of doing what most elves would do: file a compliant with the Elf Union.
Donner puts a fake nose on Rudolph for Santa Sleigh try outs and perhaps have Rudolph invited to fly on a “travel team”. Coach Comet comes out with hat and whistle on making you wonder how he put on a hat and a whistle. Rudolph catches the eye of a striking doe named Clarice who has a bow on her head. She tells Rudolph that she thinks he is cute and Rudolph starts flying around. In the midst of the celebrating the great flying with a blond headed reindeer dude named Fireball, the fake nose pops off and Rudolph is cut from the team. Rudolph decides to runaway from home instead of doing what most reindeer would do: file a lawsuit against Coach Comet and Santa for discrimination.
Rudolph and Hermey meet up. Neither understands the other but like all freaks, they decide to hang out together. Soon they meet up with the most annoying character in the show, Yukon Cornelius, a prospector who has a poodle in his dog sled team. They are soon confronted with the most terrifying creature in television history: THE SECOND TERM OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. My mistake, it was the Abominable Snowman. The guys flee the attacking Abominable and make their way to The Island of Misfit Toys. The toys include a “Dolly for Sue”, whose problem is psychological. Just what we need: toys with issues.
The Island of Misfit Toys is ruled by King Moonracer, a lion with wings. He searches the world over for unwanted toys and brings them to his island. The toys just sit around and complain. It is an island full of liberal arts majors.
King Moonracer does not allow Rudolph and company to stay because the Island is just for toys. Rudolph is now the victim of reverse discrimination. He asks Rudolph to tell Santa about the island and to find home for the unwanted toys. If I was Rudolph I would have told him to fly over to Santa's house and ask him yourself
King Moonracer, in all of his regal wisdom, allows Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon to spend the night. Rudolph decides to run away, again, because he is afraid that the Abominable will capture and eat them because of his nose. It is always about you, Rudolph.
Clarice, Donner, and Mrs. Donner have a journey of their own: convincing Nancy Grace they had nothing to do with the disappearance of Rudolph. They soon begin their own search for Rudolph, just about the time Rudolph, who has become a Man Reindeer, shows up at his home cave. (Clarice has become a Woman Reindeer, sporting a matching bra with her bow). Of course, Rudolph runs into Santa Claus, who lays a big old guilt trip on Rudolph without mentioning that he helped reinforce that anti-red nose culture in Christmas Town in the first place.
Rudolph knows where to find Clarice and his folks because he sent Clarice a text from his iPhone that said "Whre R U ?". Her reply: "N cave w/UR flks . Donner has very bad gas. OMG, almost forgot, The Abominable is going to eat us". The Abominable hits Rudolph over the head with a rock. Then out of nowhere, Hermey and Yukon show up with a plan that involves pigs, removal of teeth and falling off of cliffs. When they realize Yukon has gone off the cliff with the Abominable, the reindeer bow their head in thanksgiving that these two creatures have suffered a very much deserved death. Unfortunately, that did not happen because of a little known law of physics called "Bumble Bounce".
Soon everyone is back at Christmas Town. Rudolph informs Santa about the loser toys. Santa gets a weather report. Christmas is canceled. But wait, Rudolph has a red nose! Christmas is saved! Yay! Everyone joins in singing “Holly Jolly Christmas”.(Raise your hand if you have ever sung these words: "Have a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best time. I don't know if they'll be snow, but let's go grab a beer.") Rudolph and the other eight reindeer take Santa to the Island of Misfit Toys. The toys jump in the sleigh. While flying high, an elf gives the misfit toys an umbrella and the toys jump out of the sleigh. These toys are so misfit, Santa cannot bring them to you. No, he just throws them out of the sleigh. If you find a toy in your yard this Christmas, you know where they are from.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a kind of/sort of puppet cartoon show based on the Christmas song that I once sang in Latin in high school. “Rudolphus rubrinasus fulgentissimo naso, vidisti et si eum dicas candere”. Ah, the memories of high school. It took years of therapy and medication to get over it.
It begins with spinning headlines of newspapers informing us that the weather is bad. Then we meet Sam the Snowman. He acts surprised that you have never seen a talking snowman
 | |
| Why does he wear a hat? Wouldn't that make him warm? |
As a kid, the idea of someone canceling Christmas ranked right up there with nuclear war as the worst possible thing that could happen. So Sam the Talking Goateed Snowman had our attention.
It seems Donner, Santa’s lead reindeer and Mrs. Donner had a baby buck. They named him Rudolph because they liked the name and they sent him to the finest school in town. Soon, they noticed his red nose and that “it glows”. Today, this would have meant Rudolph was “special”. Back in the 60’s, it just meant that it was another thing to hide from the neighbors, like Donner’s gambling habit.
 |
| The Shame of the Light Bulb Nose |
Santa drops by to see the brand new baby and of course, he reinforces their prejudice against red noses, like it has anything to do with pulling a sleigh. Santa breaks out into a song about being the “king of jingle-ling”. This Santa is very self absorbed.
We are then introduced to a weird elf named Hermey who wants to become a dentist because “he doesn’t like being an elf”. This was the start of the Occupy North Pole movement. Anyway, Hermey decides to runaway from Christmas Town instead of doing what most elves would do: file a compliant with the Elf Union.
 |
| Just build a toy, hippie! |
Donner puts a fake nose on Rudolph for Santa Sleigh try outs and perhaps have Rudolph invited to fly on a “travel team”. Coach Comet comes out with hat and whistle on making you wonder how he put on a hat and a whistle. Rudolph catches the eye of a striking doe named Clarice who has a bow on her head. She tells Rudolph that she thinks he is cute and Rudolph starts flying around. In the midst of the celebrating the great flying with a blond headed reindeer dude named Fireball, the fake nose pops off and Rudolph is cut from the team. Rudolph decides to runaway from home instead of doing what most reindeer would do: file a lawsuit against Coach Comet and Santa for discrimination.
 |
| Clarice is pretty hot for a reindeer |
 |
| This reminds me of my PE coach in Junior High School |
Rudolph and Hermey meet up. Neither understands the other but like all freaks, they decide to hang out together. Soon they meet up with the most annoying character in the show, Yukon Cornelius, a prospector who has a poodle in his dog sled team. They are soon confronted with the most terrifying creature in television history: THE SECOND TERM OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. My mistake, it was the Abominable Snowman. The guys flee the attacking Abominable and make their way to The Island of Misfit Toys. The toys include a “Dolly for Sue”, whose problem is psychological. Just what we need: toys with issues.
 |
| I hid under my bed every time The Abominable come on from 1964 to 1987. |
 |
| "I want the government to force my Catholic Law School to pay for my contraceptives." |
The Island of Misfit Toys is ruled by King Moonracer, a lion with wings. He searches the world over for unwanted toys and brings them to his island. The toys just sit around and complain. It is an island full of liberal arts majors.
 |
| There was a lot of dialogue about "The Man" in this scene. |
King Moonracer does not allow Rudolph and company to stay because the Island is just for toys. Rudolph is now the victim of reverse discrimination. He asks Rudolph to tell Santa about the island and to find home for the unwanted toys. If I was Rudolph I would have told him to fly over to Santa's house and ask him yourself
King Moonracer, in all of his regal wisdom, allows Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon to spend the night. Rudolph decides to run away, again, because he is afraid that the Abominable will capture and eat them because of his nose. It is always about you, Rudolph.
Clarice, Donner, and Mrs. Donner have a journey of their own: convincing Nancy Grace they had nothing to do with the disappearance of Rudolph. They soon begin their own search for Rudolph, just about the time Rudolph, who has become a Man Reindeer, shows up at his home cave. (Clarice has become a Woman Reindeer, sporting a matching bra with her bow). Of course, Rudolph runs into Santa Claus, who lays a big old guilt trip on Rudolph without mentioning that he helped reinforce that anti-red nose culture in Christmas Town in the first place.
Rudolph knows where to find Clarice and his folks because he sent Clarice a text from his iPhone that said "Whre R U ?". Her reply: "N cave w/UR flks . Donner has very bad gas. OMG, almost forgot, The Abominable is going to eat us". The Abominable hits Rudolph over the head with a rock. Then out of nowhere, Hermey and Yukon show up with a plan that involves pigs, removal of teeth and falling off of cliffs. When they realize Yukon has gone off the cliff with the Abominable, the reindeer bow their head in thanksgiving that these two creatures have suffered a very much deserved death. Unfortunately, that did not happen because of a little known law of physics called "Bumble Bounce".
Soon everyone is back at Christmas Town. Rudolph informs Santa about the loser toys. Santa gets a weather report. Christmas is canceled. But wait, Rudolph has a red nose! Christmas is saved! Yay! Everyone joins in singing “Holly Jolly Christmas”.(Raise your hand if you have ever sung these words: "Have a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best time. I don't know if they'll be snow, but let's go grab a beer.") Rudolph and the other eight reindeer take Santa to the Island of Misfit Toys. The toys jump in the sleigh. While flying high, an elf gives the misfit toys an umbrella and the toys jump out of the sleigh. These toys are so misfit, Santa cannot bring them to you. No, he just throws them out of the sleigh. If you find a toy in your yard this Christmas, you know where they are from.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
This Week's Picks
Last week was the annual edition of “Clean Old Fashioned Hate”: The Georgia-Georgia Tech football game. As rivalries go, it can be intense. It is not as brutal as Alabama-Auburn, which makes grown men poison trees. The Alabama-Auburn rivalry takes rivalry to an entirely new psychotic level.
The fans of UGA and Georgia Tech take to internet message boards to express themselves. Both sets of fans use common themes to describe the other school. Georgia Tech prides itself on being a very competitive academic institution and likes to point out that UGA is basically one big short bus. UGA just yells “Nerds” in the direction of Georgia Tech and points out it has better looking coeds.
Mark Bradley of the AJC, wrote a blog about the game, which Georgia won fairly easily. Here are two representative posts; one from a Tech fan and one from a Georgia fan
“Also taking bids on having my septic tank pumped – any dawgs will get an extra $100 if they bark for me during the job”-Shine My Shoe Dawgs. This was posted after UGA won and you will notice that it does not make mention of the game, which was the topic of Mr. Bradley’s blog.
“Dont have time to clean a septic tank. Ive got to do a performance review for about 4 tech grads. There will be lots of negative comments about star wars figures on the desk and the need for better social skills”- Turkeyneck. Despite the grammatical errors, I give Turkeyneck props for using the old reliable: the lack of social skills of smart people, which is always a hoot.
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Ellessyou: The SEC championship is being held here in Atlanta and there is some talk that Georgia has a “puncher’s chance” against LSU. LSU is number one for a reason-they are the best college football team in the nation. I just don’t see a way for Georgia to win. Even if UGA won, LSU and Alabama will meet up again for the Mythical National Championship and there is nothing anybody can do about it so shut your pie hole. LSU wins.
Other Tech vs. Clumpson: The ACC Championship reminds me of the escalators at the mall. One side is going up and the other side is going down. Virginia Tech is going up. Guess which side Clemson is on? Virginia Tech Wins.
The State of Meechigan vs. WesCONson: The blog, Outkick The Coverage, reports that there is an ad in Craig's List offering to pay people $75.00 to attend the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis. Stubhub is reporting ticket prices starting at $9.00. It is too bad that this game is getting negative press, because both teams are enjoyable to watch. I like Wisconsin a lot. Wisconsin wins.
Ducks vs. Leaderless Bears: UCLA made news this week by firing their coach for a 6-6 record. Hey, it was good enough to make it to the conference championship. Oregon will be there in one of their 4,000 uniforms. Oregon wins.
Old Dominion vs. Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern, winner of the Pabst Blue Ribbon “School of Edumacation Excellence” plays Old Dominion University in the second round of the FCS playoffs. The most famous alumni of Old Dominion: 2011 American League MVP/Cy Young award winner Justin Verlander. Other famous alumni include Ben Bailey (of “Cash Cab”) and the late Tommy Newsome (of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show). Georgia Southern wins.
The fans of UGA and Georgia Tech take to internet message boards to express themselves. Both sets of fans use common themes to describe the other school. Georgia Tech prides itself on being a very competitive academic institution and likes to point out that UGA is basically one big short bus. UGA just yells “Nerds” in the direction of Georgia Tech and points out it has better looking coeds.
Mark Bradley of the AJC, wrote a blog about the game, which Georgia won fairly easily. Here are two representative posts; one from a Tech fan and one from a Georgia fan
“Also taking bids on having my septic tank pumped – any dawgs will get an extra $100 if they bark for me during the job”-Shine My Shoe Dawgs. This was posted after UGA won and you will notice that it does not make mention of the game, which was the topic of Mr. Bradley’s blog.
“Dont have time to clean a septic tank. Ive got to do a performance review for about 4 tech grads. There will be lots of negative comments about star wars figures on the desk and the need for better social skills”- Turkeyneck. Despite the grammatical errors, I give Turkeyneck props for using the old reliable: the lack of social skills of smart people, which is always a hoot.
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Ellessyou: The SEC championship is being held here in Atlanta and there is some talk that Georgia has a “puncher’s chance” against LSU. LSU is number one for a reason-they are the best college football team in the nation. I just don’t see a way for Georgia to win. Even if UGA won, LSU and Alabama will meet up again for the Mythical National Championship and there is nothing anybody can do about it so shut your pie hole. LSU wins.
Other Tech vs. Clumpson: The ACC Championship reminds me of the escalators at the mall. One side is going up and the other side is going down. Virginia Tech is going up. Guess which side Clemson is on? Virginia Tech Wins.
The State of Meechigan vs. WesCONson: The blog, Outkick The Coverage, reports that there is an ad in Craig's List offering to pay people $75.00 to attend the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis. Stubhub is reporting ticket prices starting at $9.00. It is too bad that this game is getting negative press, because both teams are enjoyable to watch. I like Wisconsin a lot. Wisconsin wins.
Ducks vs. Leaderless Bears: UCLA made news this week by firing their coach for a 6-6 record. Hey, it was good enough to make it to the conference championship. Oregon will be there in one of their 4,000 uniforms. Oregon wins.
Old Dominion vs. Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern, winner of the Pabst Blue Ribbon “School of Edumacation Excellence” plays Old Dominion University in the second round of the FCS playoffs. The most famous alumni of Old Dominion: 2011 American League MVP/Cy Young award winner Justin Verlander. Other famous alumni include Ben Bailey (of “Cash Cab”) and the late Tommy Newsome (of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show). Georgia Southern wins.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The Annual Yule Time Compliant About Christmas Songs
In case you’ve missed it, we have entered the Christmas season. It is a time of good will to all men, except for the lady in the “Black Friday” Target commercials. The actress in this commercial was all excited about going to get the great deals at Target on "Black Friday". This is what Don Draper and Pete Campbell pitched the big wigs at Target. The commercials the public saw was a person in serious need of medication. Several of my Facebook friends mentioned how much they hated this woman, one even going so far as calling the woman a name that rhymes with “rich” and wanted her killed and/or fired. (Which would be a funny commercial, if you ask me.)
As long as we are complaining, let me add my yearly complaint about Christmas Songs. Here in the Atlanta area, we have two radio stations that play only Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The music falls in to several categories.
Category One: Songs we all know and love sung by someone we don’t like. Usually this means Gloria Estefan.
Category Two: Novelty Christmas songs about the death of elderly relatives by reindeer, wanting the gift of zoo animals, and hula hoops (sung by a rodent).
Category Three: Christmas songs about doing it. (I mean this in the 70’s and 80’s meaning of the term.) The weather outside is frightful. Let’s do it! Later on, we’ll conspire, naked as jaybirds by the fire. It is hard to imagine what Jesus or the manger has anything to do with some of these songs. Whoever wrote “Santa Baby” should be ashamed of themselves.
Category Four: Various Rock Star Christmas Song. For every Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”, which is probably the worst song Sir Paul ever wrote and that is saying something. My favorite dumb rock star Christmas song is by The Beach Boys in which they tell us “Christmas comes this time each year”. No wonder Brain Wilson laid in his bed for years. [Speaking positively, I need to add that the best rocking Christmas song is “Run, Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry]
Category Five: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song, according to James Lileks, is the Christmas song equivalent to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. But it is more than that now. It is now part of the annual argument about the meaning of the most annoying Christmas song ever.
In the 70’s, when inflation was all the rage, the news anchors at all of the “Eye Action Witness News” would read a story about how much it would cost to give “your true love” all of the presents in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. It would be some astronomical amount that would make Ma and Pa shake their heads and start opining about Christmas in The Depression, when people would draw their presents on pieces of paper, if they were lucky enough to have paper, and give them to their loved ones, if they were lucky enough to have any. But Christmas was better back then!
When I got to college, I was taking a history class about the Middle Ages and the professor causally mentioned “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and that all of the presents were birds! Of course, being armed with that knowledge helped me become the success I am today.
Years later, I was watching a Pastor on TV who said that “The Twelve Days of Christmas” written as a ‘catechism song’ to help young Catholics learn the faith. (The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testament; the four calling birds were the Gospels, etc) That turned my “the presents were all birds” lecture on its head and soon, even I, the history major, was telling people that this annoying song was a catechism song.
Of course, I missed the two warning signs about this interpretation of the song. One, there is no documentation or supporting evidence except “I heard somebody say” or “Someone sent it to me in an e-mail”. Two, it became popular in the 90’s, the same decade Bill Clinton became popular. That says it all.
I could go on and on. Country music singers have no business releasing Christmas albums. “A-weigh in a mayger, no creeb for his baid. The lil’ Lord Jaysus laid down his schwet haid”. That song by the group Alabama, “Christmas in Dixie” is just about a dumb as it gets.
Now that I’ve offended just about everybody, may all of your Christmases be white.
As long as we are complaining, let me add my yearly complaint about Christmas Songs. Here in the Atlanta area, we have two radio stations that play only Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The music falls in to several categories.
Category One: Songs we all know and love sung by someone we don’t like. Usually this means Gloria Estefan.
Category Two: Novelty Christmas songs about the death of elderly relatives by reindeer, wanting the gift of zoo animals, and hula hoops (sung by a rodent).
Category Three: Christmas songs about doing it. (I mean this in the 70’s and 80’s meaning of the term.) The weather outside is frightful. Let’s do it! Later on, we’ll conspire, naked as jaybirds by the fire. It is hard to imagine what Jesus or the manger has anything to do with some of these songs. Whoever wrote “Santa Baby” should be ashamed of themselves.
Category Four: Various Rock Star Christmas Song. For every Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”, which is probably the worst song Sir Paul ever wrote and that is saying something. My favorite dumb rock star Christmas song is by The Beach Boys in which they tell us “Christmas comes this time each year”. No wonder Brain Wilson laid in his bed for years. [Speaking positively, I need to add that the best rocking Christmas song is “Run, Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry]
Category Five: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song, according to James Lileks, is the Christmas song equivalent to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. But it is more than that now. It is now part of the annual argument about the meaning of the most annoying Christmas song ever.
In the 70’s, when inflation was all the rage, the news anchors at all of the “Eye Action Witness News” would read a story about how much it would cost to give “your true love” all of the presents in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. It would be some astronomical amount that would make Ma and Pa shake their heads and start opining about Christmas in The Depression, when people would draw their presents on pieces of paper, if they were lucky enough to have paper, and give them to their loved ones, if they were lucky enough to have any. But Christmas was better back then!
When I got to college, I was taking a history class about the Middle Ages and the professor causally mentioned “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and that all of the presents were birds! Of course, being armed with that knowledge helped me become the success I am today.
Years later, I was watching a Pastor on TV who said that “The Twelve Days of Christmas” written as a ‘catechism song’ to help young Catholics learn the faith. (The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testament; the four calling birds were the Gospels, etc) That turned my “the presents were all birds” lecture on its head and soon, even I, the history major, was telling people that this annoying song was a catechism song.
Of course, I missed the two warning signs about this interpretation of the song. One, there is no documentation or supporting evidence except “I heard somebody say” or “Someone sent it to me in an e-mail”. Two, it became popular in the 90’s, the same decade Bill Clinton became popular. That says it all.
I could go on and on. Country music singers have no business releasing Christmas albums. “A-weigh in a mayger, no creeb for his baid. The lil’ Lord Jaysus laid down his schwet haid”. That song by the group Alabama, “Christmas in Dixie” is just about a dumb as it gets.
Now that I’ve offended just about everybody, may all of your Christmases be white.
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