Mini Movie Review: "Conclave"

 

 

The Oscars were last week and once again, the winner for Best Picture was a movie I hadn't heard of, but don't worry, reports are bosoms make an appearance so you know it was art.

I have seen "A Complete Unknown" which was about the voice of a generation Bob Dylan.  I know a little about Bob Dylan because I have a lot of Bob Dylan records and have read many books about Bob Dylan.

I didn't learn anything new about Bob Dylan. He and Johnny Cash were big friends and Johnny would pop up every now and then in the movie to tell Bob not to wipe his feet and to sing through your nose and don't comb your hair. 

My wife and I have seen another movie that was nominated for Best Picture: "Conclave".

In years past, a long, boring, plodding movie was just the ticket to win all of the awards.  "Conclave" was not a long, boring, plodding movie. It was just boring and plodding. It clocks at about two hours long, which isn't that bad for a boring, plodding movie.

"Conclave" was about the new Captain America, who now has wings for some reason and the Hulk who is now red and not green.

(Checks notes)

Wait, "Conclave" is about how Roman Catholics select a pope.

If you are a Southern Evangelical like Moi, you really need to study how Roman Catholics pick their leaders. It is nothing like how Southern Baptists pick their leaders which usually has something to do with a couple of books and a tape ministry.

When a pope dies, the College of Cardinals meets at The Vatican and selects which conference they want to play basketball in.  Oops, check that again.  The College of Cardinals meets at The Vatican to select a new pope. They call it a "Conclave".

It is a pretty good movie in the sense that they have big time actors like Ralph (pronounced "Rafe") Fiennes and John (pronounced "John") Lithgow.  

All of the actors wear their Cardinal clothes and ride in a bus to the Vatican like they were on a travel baseball team.

One candidate is Lithgow, who is just a weasel.

Another is Ralph/Rafe, who is a good guy and just wants the church to be nice and not talk about sin or lay a heavy guilt trip on the laity, man.

Another is a more politically savvy cardinal that wants to drag the Church out of the 16th century because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Still another candidate is an African cardinal who had a baby in the past when he was a young Priest, so he's cut.

The final candidate is The Right Reverend Donald J. Trump, Bishop of Mar-a-Logo, who does everything but wear a  Make The Vatican Great Again hat. This guy laments the loss of the Latin Mass, for Pete's sake (notice what I did there?).

Pretty soon, all of the candidates knocked each other out of the race except this dark horse who wasn't even on the list to be in the Conclave. He was the Bishop of Kubul or Antarctica or some place.

This guy, who nobody knows, is selected as a compromise candidate because of the highly spiritual principle, "Eh, why not?"

However.

The new Pope has a secret. That's all I'll say. It's not surprising that the Cardinals will pick the least qualified candidate. I mean, it happens.

The movie is your basic Hollywood movie. Liberals-Yeah! Conservatives-Boo!  

They lay on the symbolism rather thick when Ralph/Rafe picks up one of the late Pope's turtles (the late Pope liked turtles) carries the turtle out of the Vatican and places it in a small fountain. The church is a turtle, slow, plodding, and needs a leader to pick it up and carry it to where it needs to be.  (I must admit that I are a graduate of Cobb County Public Schools.)

No violence. No cussing. No naked people.

It is one of those movies that is done well, but Lord, it was dull in parts.