Oxymoron: Men's Fashion

Back when I was in high school, I used to watch "The Phil Donahue Show".

You kids have no idea who Phil Donahue is or was.  You "might" (but I doubt it) know that he is the husband of actress Marlo Thomas.  Marlo Thomas. "That Girl".  The daughter of Danny Thomas. Danny Thomas, the comedian who founded St. Jude's Hospital.   Never mind.

Phil Donahue had a daily hourly talk show. Back then, talk shows dealt with important issues like President Nixon (this was a big topic) and when were women finally going to become equal and put their bras back on.  This is unlike today where the topics are President Trump and who is this baby's daddy.

On one show, Phil took time out of railing against President Nixon to interview this guy who wrote a book called "Dress For Success".

This was of interest to me because I wanted to be a success without particularly working hard. I share this trait with some of my younger readers.  I figured why not dress well so people will be blown away by my sartorial splendor and give me lots of money.

I bought the book. Here's what I remember.

1. Short men (like me) need to wear a dark suit with a white shirt, black shoes, and socks.  The tie should be red because it conveys power.

2. Never stick your right hand inside your suit's jacket. It makes you look like Napoleon, the patron saint of all power-hungry hobbits.

3. If your suit has a vest, you should wear it.

4. Never carry an umbrella.

5. Never wear a leisure suit.  This was the 70s and you would not believe how popular and ugly the leisure suit was back then. Everybody had one including President Ford, Johnny Carson, Danny Thomas, and Phil Donahue.

That's about all I remember from the book.  I later found out that in the real world people were more concerned about your grades in college and if you were in a fraternity than if you dressed well. By the time I was 35 years old, the insurance company I worked for threw their dress code out the window, and the dress code became casual.  Not "business casual" which for men means khaki pants and a dark shirt. No sir, it was casual: jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes with socks being optional.

Yes, the office went from business attire to "Saturday at Wal-Mart".

I haven't thought too much about men's fashion recently because thankfully, men's fashion basically stays the same.  It is a little more casual in the business world, but it is not "Saturday at Wal-Mart" like my old office became.

Recently, Dave Barry asked on his blog about bad looks in men's fashions. His readers did not disappoint.

Steve said. "A man wearing a tank top with anything."   I must agree with Steve. My son used to be a tank top wearing guy.  A father can only do so much.

Ckfj said, "The words 'men' and 'fashion 'should never appear in the same sentence, (with this one exception): .. men are to fashion as (blank) is to (blank) ...Hopefully, someone, somewhere, somehow will figure out how to fill in those blanks."  This reader hits the nail on the head.  Even yours truly, with all of my fashion background (reading the book "Dress For Success") had to be told my belt had to match my shoes. I was only a married 34-year-old man at the time. 

Craig said, "We all need to do better with hats. Ball caps are not hats, by the way, and should be worn only when playing ball with the bill facing forward. But I'm talking hats here: fedoras, racing caps, berets. Top hats. Pith helmets. Stovepipe, anyone?"  We do need to do better with hats. Nobody wears hats anymore. I look sexy in a racing cap [Mrs. Blog: "Um, cough"]

There was a guy in my high school class, Hippie Mike, who wore a leather top hat to school every day.  How was not elected President of my class, I'll never know.

Now about ball caps.  Ball caps should be worn bill forwards unless you are a catcher in a baseball game.  The ball cap should not clash with your t-shirt.  In other words, you should not wear a Georgia Bulldogs cap while wearing an Auburn t-shirt. In fact, never wearing an Auburn t-shirt is my number one fashion tip.

Back in the early 70s, every guy had sideburns and some had "mutton chop" sideburns which I thought were the coolest sideburn concept ever. Of course, I was in 6th and 7th grade at the time. The Lord, in all his wisdom, did not give me the DNA to grow mutton chop sideburns, but by the time I grew up and theoretically could grow them, they were out of style.

Men go through a lot of bad looks. The Man Bun.  The Mullet.  The Bald in Front, Long Hair in the Back that makes you look like Bernie Taupin circa 1972.  (Bernie Taupin. Used to write songs with Elton John.  Elton John. Forget it.)

 Unfortunately, we have found the next "new thing" in men's fashion:  Lace Men's Shorts.

If 2020 was men's fashion, it would be Lace Men's Shorts. The idea is stupid, plus, and this is important, they look too stupid for a man to wear.  Men will generally wear any stupid thing (see above, leisure suit) but this is way dumber than the average man.

I have been a male for almost 61 years. Never once did I think, "I wish this was lace".  Even in college.

I wonder what Phil Donahue thinks about this.