2015: Forget About It.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

2015 is an old acquaintance that should be forgotten and never brought to mind. Any year that begins with the death of Ellie Mae Clampett deserves to the forgotten.

Speaking of forgotten, does anyone remember who won a Grammy this year? Or who was even nominated?

Does anyone remember why records, pardon me, vinyls, became obsolete in the first place?

Remember the 2015 Super Bowl? Sure you do. Tom Brady and his deflated balls, ha, ha.  The Patriots won by the way.

Remember that great commercial during the Super Bowl from Nationwide Insurance about a child dying? I'd rather seen Peyton Manning humming their jingle for a minute.

How about The World Series? Remember that? It was just a couple of weeks ago. It was won by Kansas City.  I think Golden State won the NBA championship but that was a long time ago.

Does anyone remember Scott Walker?  He's the governor of Wisconsin and was supposed to be the acceptable candidate to the both The Establishment wing and the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party.  That didn't quite happen.

Does anyone remember an excuse Hillary Clinton has ever given that sounded plausible?



Have we all forgotten about David Letterman? How about Jon Stewart ( I know I have.)

Remember when "Mad Men" was the best TV show ever? Then, like time, it marched on to the 70's and featured Roger Sterling with a goofy mustache.

Does anyone remember a time when Donald Trump was not mentioned on the news? Or on the phone giving an interview? Or saying anything that was not ludicrous from the get-go? ("You can get bacon from a cow. It is called Cow Bacon and it is fabulous and it going to be the next big thing. Oh look, I just increased my lead in the latest Wartburg College poll of Iowans who have heard of Donald  Trump. Look Jeb Bush is now at a minus eight in popularity. That's because he is a loser and has an irregular menstrual cycle.  I saw Carly Fiorina naked on a rooftop in Jersey City celebrating 9/11 with a bunch of Mooslem Mexicans here illegally. I didn't even check out her breasticles because I couldn't get over her face. Anyway, that's why I want to make America great again.")

Does anyone remember when Ben Carson was celebrated as a skilled brain surgeon instead of portrayed as a sleepy weirdo because of his opinions on Egyptian pyramids?
 

Does anyone remember a time when you didn't think of Larry David when you saw Bernie Sanders?

Does anyone remember when it was at least chilly at Christmas time?

Does anyone remember exactly why they voted for President Obama?

Does anyone remember a time when people didn't try to win every  discussion or disagreement? Or a time in which you were not called a "bigot", "racist", "homophobe" et.al for having an opinion that the President of the United States had in 2008?

Let's not remember those times. Instead, let's remember the family of the victims of the church shooting in Charleston, South Carolina telling the killer, not even 48 hours afterward, that they forgave him.

Let's remember my buddy, Wayne Clancy, who went way out of his way to show high school kids that all of them was worth something to somebody.

Two personal things I will always remember. My son married his  college sweetheart. My wife and I became "empty nesters" which is great for reasons I won't go into because it makes my younger readers sick.

The second was a call from my wife saying the bone lesion on her vertebrae was benign. You never forget something like that.

I Hope You Wobble.

This is sort of late in life to announce this: I am a dancing fool.

Find Me

Actually, more "fool" than anything else, but I have decided that at weddings, class reunions, etc not to be a stick in the mud, but to actually get out on the floor and boogie.

Getting out on the floor and booging was big back in the 70's, the time of my youth. There was a genre of music back then called "Disco" (better known in Latin as "Realiter Sugit") which wanted us to get up and boogie. They also wanted you to get up to get down. It was a decade of mixed signals.

It was a decade when people put on their boogie shoes. I don't think I had any.

The first time I ever danced, in front actual people, was my senior prom. Personally, I thought I was amazing. I remember doing something resembling the modern dance of the period, which I think was The Hustle or maybe it was The Bump. It could have been The Robot, which if you ask me, is an annoying dance when someone else does it. All I know is that for the first time in my life I remember being very sweaty in a tuxedo.

It just so happened that my classmates didn't know how to dance either. I guess I don't need to explain I went to an all white high school. Except for one of my fellow white guys.

The lead singer of the band that played (Brookwood Station, really) announced "We have a dancing machine!" and out stepped this guy who began to really dance, above  the"American Bandstand" level but a little below the "Soul Train" level.

This boy was putting the boogie in the boogie-oogie-oogie. We were all standing around, watching and clapping for him. It was kind of like "Saturday Night Fever", except with heterosexuals. Then it happened.

He decided to do a split and it split his pants.

I've never had anything embarrassing like that ever happen to me. Nope, I don't need my pants to split to cause people to remember my dancing.

How would one describe my dancing ability? It is part Elaine from "Seinfeld", part Chuck Berry, part Chubby Checker and part Mikhail Baryshnikov. What I lack in rhythm and grace, I make up for in pure spasticity and enthusiasm.

My basic dance is free form modification of "The Twist" except I look like I'm stomping out a floor full of cigarettes most of the time. Believe it or not, I can get by with this type of dance most of the time.

The problem is the line dances.  This is when people get on the dance floor and they have to dance the same dance in a line, which for a renegade like me is difficult.

The music for the line dances is very bossy, It is always telling you what do-which leg to shake, where to stand, hop, jump around, and cha-cha,

One new line dance is called "The Wobble". My son learned to do "The Wobble" while he was a student at Georgia Southern University, so don't tell me my money was well spent.

At the past couple of weddings, I have had boogie fever. So much so that my son tried to teach me to "Wobble", so I wouldn't bring disgrace to the family.  His instructions: "First, you jump like this. Then you do this. Then you do that".

Well, we went to a wedding last weekend for one of his high school buddies.  To prepare myself for the reception. I watched a YouTube instructional video. The instructions: "First, you jump like this. Then you do this. Then you do that."

The time for dancing came. I was amazing during "Uptown Funk", especially when I realized I was the oldest person on the dance floor.

The big moment arrived:  "The Wobble". First, I jumped. Then I did this. Then I did that. If I was being graded on a curve, I might have past a Wobble test, if the instructor was blind.

I did manage to impress someone. A lovely lady said I was "something". Okay, it was my wife but I think she meant it.

No Offense

On the behalf of myself and the other Boomer parents, I would like to apologize to the world for creating the most spoiled rotten bunch of weenies ever to step forth on earth.


Which is an accomplishment itself considering we the worst until this current crop came along.


Most of our parents were raised during The Depression.  Just in case this isn't discussed anymore in American History (which is a distinct possibility) The Depression was caused by Republicans because they wanted to take the working man's money. That's how my Dad explained it.


The Depression made everyone walk three miles to school, in the snow (even if they lived in Florida) and it was uphill both ways.  Everybody's family had twenty kids and they all slept in the same bed.


For reasons my Dad never explained, The Depression lasted about ten years after a Democrat was elected President. Then, came World War II. After World II ended the soldiers came home and had sex. This sex lasted about 18 years from 1946-1964.


In comparison to the previous generation, we Boomers had it made because our parents didn't want us go through what they went through: poverty and war.


We grew up with television. It wasn't the big screens we have now. The screens were smaller and YOU HAD TO GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND TURN A KNOB TO CHANGE CHANNELS.

Lord, when President Johnson gave a speech, it was an important event and it was on every channel. We only had four or five channel and your evening was shot because after President Johnson spoke, the old men on TV had to explain what he just said. Of course, if you ever heard President Johnson speak, this was a necessity. ("Mah feller 'Mericans. Ah com to ewe wid a heavy heardt")


We had it rough.


So when we had children, we didn't want our children to go through what we went through: self doubt that you are not the most precious thing ever created in the universe. Or missing your favorite show, like "Flipper".  "Flipper" was about a dolphin and his goofy looking human friends who would fight crime by swimming.

Now we have a crop of young adults who become offended at every little thing. Witness Yale University where people have become unhinged over "offensive" Halloween costumes. These are our best and brightest children. I would advise you to sell your bonds.


Witness what happened at The University of Missouri. There may/may not have been a swastika of feces (Swastika of Feces opened for The Cars in 1984). There may/may not have been a mean person driving around using racial slurs. It could have been somebody driving around listening to hip-hop music really loud. Nobody really knows for sure. But several high ranking college officials lost their jobs so it had to be important because it is hard to lose a college job.


Witness Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. When Jenner decided to become a woman, I thought it was a joke. Honest. Then when he became Caitlyn, we all had to celebrate it, even though me lady still has a wang-dang.  There were some very serious Twitter tweets warning that everyone would have to call Jenner "Caitlyn" even though some of us have been referring to him as Bruce for forty years. It would have been nicer if he she came up with a name like Brucella.

Here's the dirty honest truth about life. People are going to say and do things that you don't like. Some of those people are going to be related to you. Some of them are going to hold political beliefs that are contrary to yours. They may want to express those beliefs. There's not much you can do about it.

I hope you don't take offense to that.

Abbott and Costello Meet This Week's Picks

Well, here we are at the end of another regular season of college football.  This is what we learned.

It is never over until it is over. Right, Florida State and Michigan? 

No matter how good you are, somebody is going to compare you to Nick Satan Saban.

For some unknown reason, the worst person on Earth is Verne Lundquist.

Jacob Eason is the most powerful high school senior in the history of mankind.

Kennesaw State has a football team, just in case you didn't hear.

Georgia Tech was not very good.

It was not my fault.

This Week's Picks!



Good Old Fashion I Just Can't Put My Finger On It But Something About That Guy Gets On My Last Nerve.  (Georgia vs Georgia Tech):  One conclusion that could be drawn from last week's victory over Georgia Southern is that UGA is probably the worst 8-3 team in the country and if Coach Cutie Pie was the head coach at LSU, he probably would have been tarred and feathered by now.  In fact, UGA could have very easily, with a play here or there, ended like this year's Georgia Tech. If Justin Thomas is sidelined, I give Tech no chance to win this game, even though they are playing UGA.That's how bad Tech is. UGA wins.

The ERN Bowl (Alabama vs Auburn): With the possible exception of the invention of the iPhone, the greatest thing that has happened this century was when Auburn defeated Alabama on a 109 yard field goal return.  It made me almost like Auburn. It was great seeing Coach Smarty Pants making the wrong decision for once. The chances of something like that happening again are like the chances of me being named People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year: slim and none and Slim just left town. Bama wins.

The Eagg Bowl (Ole Miss vs Mississippi State): My favorite joke about these schools is "What is the worst thing about going to Ole Miss or Mississippi State?  No matter your grades, your diploma still has the word Mississippi on it"  I know about four hundred people that are  alumni from Mississippi State, which shows you the type of high class people I hang around. However, the most important person in my wife's life (her stylist) has a son that goes to Ole Miss. It is very important for that person to be happy. Ole Miss wins.

The I Wish They Would Both Lose Bowl (Florida vs Florida State):  I don't know what it is about both schools, but I just don't like either one of them. Florida has been on cruise control since they won the SEC East and the coach thinks there is an aisle in the super market called "The Dead Fish Aisle". So far, Florida State has managed not to have any players convicted of major felonies, which is huge for FSU.  FSU wins.

The Game Bowl (Michigan vs Ohio State): Wasn't it sweet to watch "Ahia" State lose last week and then watch the back biting?  Just like the old days.  Who wants to make it two weeks in a row? Me! Me!  Michigan wins.

The You Can't Say Oklahoma Without a Smile On Your Face Bowl (Oklahoma vs Oklahoma State):  Rooting for Oklahoma is kind of like rooting for Biff in "Back to The Future". The final lesson of the 2015 football season is "The Manis Jinx" is a myth. Oklahoma State wins.

This Week's Picks: Mockingjay Part Three

It is that time of year again! Time to think about what to get your wife/girlfriend for Christmas.


Take it from somebody who has been married for almost 30 years. It is a good idea to ask your honey-pie what she might actually want. I know that goes against thousand of years of Man training and one of your trousered ape friends might ask for your "Man Card" back.

Look Very Closely At This

The female gender thinks long and hard about the presents they want. They will be happy tell you, in great detail, what they want if you ask them.


But if you are lucky in love like I was, maybe she will go down to the store and buy the clothes she wants (clothing is a very tricky present) and then come home wrap the presents herself. (I have the present wrapping ability of a drunk baboon.) Now, that my friends, was a great Christmas.




This Week's Picks!

The Doggies vs Ben-Ben's Eagles:  UGA beat Auburn last week which saved Coach Cutie Pie's job for one more week. This week, UGA plays Georgia Southern, my son's alma mater. UGA is taking this game so seriously that Mark Richt flew up to Washington state and had his picture taken with Jacob Eason, who supposedly is the best high school quarterback in the history of the universe, to remind people that if Richt goes, Eason goes. If Georgia Southern wins, Richt is gone like a freight train. It won't happen. UGA wins.  Sorry, son.

This kid better be good

Wrecked vs The (P) U:  Last week, Tech lost and their 18 year streak of being invited to a bowl game was snapped. For some reason, this is my fault. Anyway, Miami is having an awful year too so I can imagine the ratings this game's telecast is going to rival last week's Democratic party's Presidential debate, which for my money, at least, is just as funny as The Republicans. One candidate won't call religious fanatics "radicals" because she doesn't want to call all Muslims radicals and she doesn't know how an adjective further defines a noun . Another one responded to attack by Isis on Paris by insisting we really needed to worry about climate change. This is sort of like watching your house burn down and insisting you need to fix that leaky toilet. Where was I. Oh, yeah, Tech versus Miami. Even though I think Tech is a better team, I'm picking Miami because Tech  needs to win something. Don't thank me.  Miami wins.

"Look at what climate change is doing to my hair!"

Baptist Bears vs Okay State:  As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, the friend of mine that fixes my computer and has a national security clearance, thinks I'm a jinx and has asked me never to pick his alma mater, Oklahoma State. I do what I am told. Baylor wins.

Meechigan State vs The State of Ohio:  Last year, Ohio State won the national championship, despite the fact that Ohio State is not in the SEC. How college football allowed this to happen, I have no idea. This year, the Buckeyes are in the hunt again for a national championship. However, they face a big test this week and I think they are going to fail it. Plus, I always enjoy watching Urban Meyer lose. Michigan State wins.

The Mighty Hooters vs The Hose of Blue: I never thought I would ever write these words: Kennesaw State football. It is simply so amazing that we finally have a football team that we forget the Owls are guaranteed of a winning season, no matter who wins this game with Presbyterian. Presbyterian is 1-9. They are predestined to lose this game (three people will get this joke). Hooty-hoot! Kennesaw State wins.

This Week's Picks Meet Abbott and Costello

Before we dive into this week's games, allow me a moment to discuss Dr. Ben Carson.


First of all, I appreciate our news media focusing like a laser beam on Dr. Carson's opinions about the Egyptian pyramids. From what I can gather, Dr. Carson believes that the pyramids had a utilitarian purpose (for storing grain) and were not just tombs for the pharaohs.  I'm not sure about the relevance about a discussion of the pyramids, but if that's what Dr. Carson thinks, it is no skin off my nose.  I can't dispute Dr. Carson's intelligence because he is A BRAIN SURGEON.

Secondly, while I enjoy catching somebody in a lie as much as anybody, the "He says he was offered a full scholarship to West Point" story strikes me as really lame. I know a President that won't correctly inform you of his college choices when he was an adolescent is a President that you will lie to you. He might do something like blame the attack of an American Embassy on a You Tube video.

But it doesn't seem like much of a lie. Unlike one candidate's husband who pointed his crooked finger at America and said, "Ah, deed naught half sects with that woemun" (translation: "I did not have sex with that woman").

This Week's Picks!


Bumbled Bees vs Gobblers:  The good news from last week was The Bees did not lose. Of course, it was their bye week and they didn't play, but hey, when you are Georgia Tech, you take what you can get. Frank Beamer, the coach of Virginia Tech is retiring after this year. Virginia Tech is 4-5, Georgia Tech is 3-6. So, who do I pick? Tech, of course.  Tech wins!

Jawja vs Wartigers:  You know, it was just a couple of weeks ago when many thought this would be the lineup for the SEC Championship. UGA is just one big soap opera while Auburn is just an out and out mess. In any event, UGA should win this game because something has crawled up Auburn and died. UGA wins!

Bamy vs Other Bulldogs:  The celebration of beating LSU lasted about 30 minutes before the Tiders started worrying about Mississippi State.  The OB's have a good team, but gee, I have to follow my gut and go with Dark Lord Saban's team. Bama wins!

 

Arky vs Ellesyou:  After Arkansas defeated Ole Miss last week, Razorback head coach Bret Bielema said the first thing he was going to do was "hop on his wife". If you saw Mrs. Coach Bielema, you would understand. If they beat LSU, I would advise you not to allow your children in the room to hear Coach Bielema's press conference. I don't think we'll have to worry about that. LSU wins!
 

Mrs Coach Bielema

 The Mighty Hooters vs The Chanticleers:  I know what you are thinking: what is a chanticleer? According to the Coastal Carolina website, a chanticleer is "a proud and fierce rooster who dominates the barnyard". Okay. Two questions. What is it about South Carolina and chickens? The University of South Carolina are called the Gamecocks, a proud and fierce rooster that dominates illegal cock fights. Also, if a chanticleer is proud and fierce, why is he wearing teal?  In any event, Coastal Carolina is 8-1.  They'll beat my Owls. Coastal Carolina wins!

The Bride of This Week's PIcks

Should the Head Coach of The University of Georgia Bulldogs, Coach Mark Richt (aka: Coach Cutie Pie) be fired?

There are two sides to this question.


The Anti Coach Cutie Pie faction believes the answer should be Yes because UGA hasn't defeated a major program since Bush was President. George Herbert Walker Bush. Also they think Coach Pie is "soft" because he is not an amoral pirate that would break all possible laws to defeat Auburn.

The Pro Coach Cutie Pie faction believes the answer should be No because they point out UGA has a winning record against The University of Louisiana-Monroe. It should be noted that not one  UGA  player has committed a major felony (this week). Also, and this is important, he is just such a dog-gone (no pun intended) nice guy.

Meanwhile,  Coach Paul Johnson (aka: Coach Chuckles) of Georgia Tech, has won only three games this year, one being a miracle because God doesn't like grown men named "Jimbo". Not a peep out of The Flats about firing Johnson, who has a good season every once and a while.

This Week's Picks!

Busted Puppies vs Kenyucky: One reason why Richt doesn't resign is UGA plays Kentucky, Auburn, Georgia Southern and Georgia Tech in the next four games. UGA could win all of them and hello Outback Bowl. He still plans to start Faton Bauta, which up until last week I thought was something sold at IKEA. (So I haven't memorized the entire UGA depth chart. Sue me.) I think the Dawgs can win this. They better. UGA wins!

That Other Florida Team vs Clem's Son:  This is the battle of The Coaches With The Comical First Names. Dabo vs Jimbo.  Clemson is in the top four and with good reason- they are a good team. I think they should beat FSU. Clemson wins!

Go in dumb-come out dumb too vs The Tide of Crimson:  You know the major rule of TWP-never bet against Nick Satan Saban because he is the dark lord of the earth. Plus he is insane. Not quite as insane as Les Miles, who is just plain nuts, Andy. However, Miles has something that Dark Lord Saban doesn't have: Leonard Fournette.  That should be enough to win the game. LSU wins!

Aroused Reptiles vs Okay State:  TCU feels jobbed because they were not included in the mythical playoff rankings. At this time last year, Ohio State was ranked 16th. Oh well, it was the thought of the playoff that counted. Oklahoma State is the alma mater of  my friend that fixes my computer so I have to root for OSU. However, I'm picking TCU because he believes in the Manis Jinx, like all of the other rational math based friends I have. TCU wins!

The Mighty Hooters vs Charleston-Southern:  Well, lookie here. Which school has a better record than Kennesaw State? UGA? Tech?  What's that? The sound of one hand clapping?  Little Kennesaw State, the school everybody looked down on because it was down the street from a Cracker Barrel, has a better record than UGA and Tech. Sure, they played Point University and Edward Waters, but hey, we played who showed up. KSU wins!