Abbott and Costello Meet This Week's Picks

Well, here we are at the end of another regular season of college football.  This is what we learned.

It is never over until it is over. Right, Florida State and Michigan? 

No matter how good you are, somebody is going to compare you to Nick Satan Saban.

For some unknown reason, the worst person on Earth is Verne Lundquist.

Jacob Eason is the most powerful high school senior in the history of mankind.

Kennesaw State has a football team, just in case you didn't hear.

Georgia Tech was not very good.

It was not my fault.

This Week's Picks!



Good Old Fashion I Just Can't Put My Finger On It But Something About That Guy Gets On My Last Nerve.  (Georgia vs Georgia Tech):  One conclusion that could be drawn from last week's victory over Georgia Southern is that UGA is probably the worst 8-3 team in the country and if Coach Cutie Pie was the head coach at LSU, he probably would have been tarred and feathered by now.  In fact, UGA could have very easily, with a play here or there, ended like this year's Georgia Tech. If Justin Thomas is sidelined, I give Tech no chance to win this game, even though they are playing UGA.That's how bad Tech is. UGA wins.

The ERN Bowl (Alabama vs Auburn): With the possible exception of the invention of the iPhone, the greatest thing that has happened this century was when Auburn defeated Alabama on a 109 yard field goal return.  It made me almost like Auburn. It was great seeing Coach Smarty Pants making the wrong decision for once. The chances of something like that happening again are like the chances of me being named People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year: slim and none and Slim just left town. Bama wins.

The Eagg Bowl (Ole Miss vs Mississippi State): My favorite joke about these schools is "What is the worst thing about going to Ole Miss or Mississippi State?  No matter your grades, your diploma still has the word Mississippi on it"  I know about four hundred people that are  alumni from Mississippi State, which shows you the type of high class people I hang around. However, the most important person in my wife's life (her stylist) has a son that goes to Ole Miss. It is very important for that person to be happy. Ole Miss wins.

The I Wish They Would Both Lose Bowl (Florida vs Florida State):  I don't know what it is about both schools, but I just don't like either one of them. Florida has been on cruise control since they won the SEC East and the coach thinks there is an aisle in the super market called "The Dead Fish Aisle". So far, Florida State has managed not to have any players convicted of major felonies, which is huge for FSU.  FSU wins.

The Game Bowl (Michigan vs Ohio State): Wasn't it sweet to watch "Ahia" State lose last week and then watch the back biting?  Just like the old days.  Who wants to make it two weeks in a row? Me! Me!  Michigan wins.

The You Can't Say Oklahoma Without a Smile On Your Face Bowl (Oklahoma vs Oklahoma State):  Rooting for Oklahoma is kind of like rooting for Biff in "Back to The Future". The final lesson of the 2015 football season is "The Manis Jinx" is a myth. Oklahoma State wins.

This Week's Picks: Mockingjay Part Three

It is that time of year again! Time to think about what to get your wife/girlfriend for Christmas.


Take it from somebody who has been married for almost 30 years. It is a good idea to ask your honey-pie what she might actually want. I know that goes against thousand of years of Man training and one of your trousered ape friends might ask for your "Man Card" back.

Look Very Closely At This

The female gender thinks long and hard about the presents they want. They will be happy tell you, in great detail, what they want if you ask them.


But if you are lucky in love like I was, maybe she will go down to the store and buy the clothes she wants (clothing is a very tricky present) and then come home wrap the presents herself. (I have the present wrapping ability of a drunk baboon.) Now, that my friends, was a great Christmas.




This Week's Picks!

The Doggies vs Ben-Ben's Eagles:  UGA beat Auburn last week which saved Coach Cutie Pie's job for one more week. This week, UGA plays Georgia Southern, my son's alma mater. UGA is taking this game so seriously that Mark Richt flew up to Washington state and had his picture taken with Jacob Eason, who supposedly is the best high school quarterback in the history of the universe, to remind people that if Richt goes, Eason goes. If Georgia Southern wins, Richt is gone like a freight train. It won't happen. UGA wins.  Sorry, son.

This kid better be good

Wrecked vs The (P) U:  Last week, Tech lost and their 18 year streak of being invited to a bowl game was snapped. For some reason, this is my fault. Anyway, Miami is having an awful year too so I can imagine the ratings this game's telecast is going to rival last week's Democratic party's Presidential debate, which for my money, at least, is just as funny as The Republicans. One candidate won't call religious fanatics "radicals" because she doesn't want to call all Muslims radicals and she doesn't know how an adjective further defines a noun . Another one responded to attack by Isis on Paris by insisting we really needed to worry about climate change. This is sort of like watching your house burn down and insisting you need to fix that leaky toilet. Where was I. Oh, yeah, Tech versus Miami. Even though I think Tech is a better team, I'm picking Miami because Tech  needs to win something. Don't thank me.  Miami wins.

"Look at what climate change is doing to my hair!"

Baptist Bears vs Okay State:  As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, the friend of mine that fixes my computer and has a national security clearance, thinks I'm a jinx and has asked me never to pick his alma mater, Oklahoma State. I do what I am told. Baylor wins.

Meechigan State vs The State of Ohio:  Last year, Ohio State won the national championship, despite the fact that Ohio State is not in the SEC. How college football allowed this to happen, I have no idea. This year, the Buckeyes are in the hunt again for a national championship. However, they face a big test this week and I think they are going to fail it. Plus, I always enjoy watching Urban Meyer lose. Michigan State wins.

The Mighty Hooters vs The Hose of Blue: I never thought I would ever write these words: Kennesaw State football. It is simply so amazing that we finally have a football team that we forget the Owls are guaranteed of a winning season, no matter who wins this game with Presbyterian. Presbyterian is 1-9. They are predestined to lose this game (three people will get this joke). Hooty-hoot! Kennesaw State wins.

This Week's Picks Meet Abbott and Costello

Before we dive into this week's games, allow me a moment to discuss Dr. Ben Carson.


First of all, I appreciate our news media focusing like a laser beam on Dr. Carson's opinions about the Egyptian pyramids. From what I can gather, Dr. Carson believes that the pyramids had a utilitarian purpose (for storing grain) and were not just tombs for the pharaohs.  I'm not sure about the relevance about a discussion of the pyramids, but if that's what Dr. Carson thinks, it is no skin off my nose.  I can't dispute Dr. Carson's intelligence because he is A BRAIN SURGEON.

Secondly, while I enjoy catching somebody in a lie as much as anybody, the "He says he was offered a full scholarship to West Point" story strikes me as really lame. I know a President that won't correctly inform you of his college choices when he was an adolescent is a President that you will lie to you. He might do something like blame the attack of an American Embassy on a You Tube video.

But it doesn't seem like much of a lie. Unlike one candidate's husband who pointed his crooked finger at America and said, "Ah, deed naught half sects with that woemun" (translation: "I did not have sex with that woman").

This Week's Picks!


Bumbled Bees vs Gobblers:  The good news from last week was The Bees did not lose. Of course, it was their bye week and they didn't play, but hey, when you are Georgia Tech, you take what you can get. Frank Beamer, the coach of Virginia Tech is retiring after this year. Virginia Tech is 4-5, Georgia Tech is 3-6. So, who do I pick? Tech, of course.  Tech wins!

Jawja vs Wartigers:  You know, it was just a couple of weeks ago when many thought this would be the lineup for the SEC Championship. UGA is just one big soap opera while Auburn is just an out and out mess. In any event, UGA should win this game because something has crawled up Auburn and died. UGA wins!

Bamy vs Other Bulldogs:  The celebration of beating LSU lasted about 30 minutes before the Tiders started worrying about Mississippi State.  The OB's have a good team, but gee, I have to follow my gut and go with Dark Lord Saban's team. Bama wins!

 

Arky vs Ellesyou:  After Arkansas defeated Ole Miss last week, Razorback head coach Bret Bielema said the first thing he was going to do was "hop on his wife". If you saw Mrs. Coach Bielema, you would understand. If they beat LSU, I would advise you not to allow your children in the room to hear Coach Bielema's press conference. I don't think we'll have to worry about that. LSU wins!
 

Mrs Coach Bielema

 The Mighty Hooters vs The Chanticleers:  I know what you are thinking: what is a chanticleer? According to the Coastal Carolina website, a chanticleer is "a proud and fierce rooster who dominates the barnyard". Okay. Two questions. What is it about South Carolina and chickens? The University of South Carolina are called the Gamecocks, a proud and fierce rooster that dominates illegal cock fights. Also, if a chanticleer is proud and fierce, why is he wearing teal?  In any event, Coastal Carolina is 8-1.  They'll beat my Owls. Coastal Carolina wins!

The Bride of This Week's PIcks

Should the Head Coach of The University of Georgia Bulldogs, Coach Mark Richt (aka: Coach Cutie Pie) be fired?

There are two sides to this question.


The Anti Coach Cutie Pie faction believes the answer should be Yes because UGA hasn't defeated a major program since Bush was President. George Herbert Walker Bush. Also they think Coach Pie is "soft" because he is not an amoral pirate that would break all possible laws to defeat Auburn.

The Pro Coach Cutie Pie faction believes the answer should be No because they point out UGA has a winning record against The University of Louisiana-Monroe. It should be noted that not one  UGA  player has committed a major felony (this week). Also, and this is important, he is just such a dog-gone (no pun intended) nice guy.

Meanwhile,  Coach Paul Johnson (aka: Coach Chuckles) of Georgia Tech, has won only three games this year, one being a miracle because God doesn't like grown men named "Jimbo". Not a peep out of The Flats about firing Johnson, who has a good season every once and a while.

This Week's Picks!

Busted Puppies vs Kenyucky: One reason why Richt doesn't resign is UGA plays Kentucky, Auburn, Georgia Southern and Georgia Tech in the next four games. UGA could win all of them and hello Outback Bowl. He still plans to start Faton Bauta, which up until last week I thought was something sold at IKEA. (So I haven't memorized the entire UGA depth chart. Sue me.) I think the Dawgs can win this. They better. UGA wins!

That Other Florida Team vs Clem's Son:  This is the battle of The Coaches With The Comical First Names. Dabo vs Jimbo.  Clemson is in the top four and with good reason- they are a good team. I think they should beat FSU. Clemson wins!

Go in dumb-come out dumb too vs The Tide of Crimson:  You know the major rule of TWP-never bet against Nick Satan Saban because he is the dark lord of the earth. Plus he is insane. Not quite as insane as Les Miles, who is just plain nuts, Andy. However, Miles has something that Dark Lord Saban doesn't have: Leonard Fournette.  That should be enough to win the game. LSU wins!

Aroused Reptiles vs Okay State:  TCU feels jobbed because they were not included in the mythical playoff rankings. At this time last year, Ohio State was ranked 16th. Oh well, it was the thought of the playoff that counted. Oklahoma State is the alma mater of  my friend that fixes my computer so I have to root for OSU. However, I'm picking TCU because he believes in the Manis Jinx, like all of the other rational math based friends I have. TCU wins!

The Mighty Hooters vs Charleston-Southern:  Well, lookie here. Which school has a better record than Kennesaw State? UGA? Tech?  What's that? The sound of one hand clapping?  Little Kennesaw State, the school everybody looked down on because it was down the street from a Cracker Barrel, has a better record than UGA and Tech. Sure, they played Point University and Edward Waters, but hey, we played who showed up. KSU wins!

  

This Week's Picks and The Force Awakens

Again, I am forced by my adoring public to address an issue.


The issue:  Why do I like Verne Lundquist?








Answer: Verne Lundquist is a great man, even if what he is describing on the field is not exactly what is showing up on the screen.


There is a meme going around that says: "The only two men in the world (Picture of Verne and his television partner Gary Danielson) that can make grown men mute their TV and listen to their wife during The Big Game!"


If I have seen that meme once, I have seen it a thousand times, mainly posted by Alabama fans. The reason for this is unclear, except that maybe Verne is not nearly reverential enough when it comes to The Crimson Tide.


One person noted that if a woman looked like Verne, she wouldn't be on TV. I have five words in response: Whoppi Goldberg and Joy Behar. They are on TV much more than Uncle Verne.


This week's picks!




The Big Bad Bees vs  Cavies:  In case you didn't know, Georgia Tech beat Florida State on a blocked field goal. If you didn't know, you must not know any Tech fans and all I got to say is: lucky you. I kid, I kid.  I am happy that Tech won and that the Jinx is now history.  Virginia is having a Virginia type of year. Yes, I still have the Virginia t-shirt that when I wear it my rippling muscular body hides the "ia" and people asked me why I am wearing a "Virgin" shirt.  Tech wins and the Jinx is goes back to Jinx land.


Old Mess vs Wartigers:  You never know if you are going to get the good Ole Miss  (beats Bama and TAMU) or bad Ole Miss. Auburn is having one of those years where it can't have nice things.  Ole Miss wins.


Texas State vs Georgia Southern:  Georgia Southern is having another Thursday night game because Thursday is the state of the weekend in Statesboro. The average weekend in Statesboro is from Thursday night to Tuesday morning. Texas State is 2-4 this year, which simply proves that I do know how to use the internet. The Eagles probably lost their chance at a bowl game. They will take their frustrations out against the Bobcats. Georgia Southern wins.


Pups vs Lizards: Well, well, well. Another Halloween, another UGA-UF Hey Let's Get Drunk and Play Fooball. At the beginning of the year, I had a W placed by this game. No way. UGA just isn't that good this year. Florida wins.


The Mighty Hooters vs  I Got Your Owls Right Here:  The Owls lost to the Fighting Falwells last week. They return home to face another Big South Conference opponent Monmouth University, which is in that Deep South state of New Jersey. It is a fairly large school, whose  motto is this: "O quid spectatis?" (Hey, what are you looking at?)  The force doesn't feel right with this one. Monmouth wins.

This Week's Picks and The Goblet of Fire

You thought Mark Richt was going to have a bad week.


A gentleman by the name of Steve Sarkisian was the coach of The University of Southern California Trojans.  The key word in the previous sentence: "was". The New York Daily News reports Coach Sarkisian had a little drinking problem, if you define "drinking problem" as  ordering "91 shots of tequila during two visits to a restaurant, racking up a $1,023 bill."  That's a lot of tequila, Sheila.


Needless to say, USC has fired Sarkisian, especially now it appears he was three sheets in the wind during USC's victory over Arizona State a couple of weeks ago. 


Which brings me back to Coach Richt. If anyone needs to drink in self defense it is Mark Richt.  After last week, I wouldn't be surprised to see Coach Cutie Pie strolling along the sidelines carrying a jug with "XXX" written on it.

This week's picks!


Pitiful Puppies vs Moosuri:  For the third straight season in a row, the best player on the Georgia Bulldogs had a devastating injury that not only took him out of the game, but out of the season. Georgia has lost two games in a row and it is not clear how many more they can win. You never know which Missouri team will show up: the one UGA can beat or the one they can't beat. Mark Richt better hope the bad Missouri team shows up.  UGA wins.


Buzzed vs The Pitts: If you have been following along, you know that there is a controversy about This Week's Picks being a jinx on Georgia Tech.  In fact, one vocal reader always accuses me of being a jinx.   After the Clemson game, which I picked Tech to lose, it suddenly hit me who the Georgia Tech Jinx was: it was this reader!  My evidence: last year this reader did not have Tech season tickets and Tech won the Coastal Division of the ACC.  This year, this reader bought season tickets and Tech is 2-4 and is in last place in the Coastal Division of the ACC.  So it follows that this reader is The Georgia Tech Jinx.  Look you can't argue with math and settled science. Oh yeah, the game. Pitt wins.


Bamy vs Aggie: What should you do if you find three Alabama fans buried up to their necks in cement? Get more cement. Ha, ha. Just a little college humor, for fun. Say, did you hear about the small two seater airplane that crashed in a cemetery near the Texas A&M campus early this morning? So far, the Aggie fire department has recovered 300 bodies.  Tough one to pick, but my one rule is I never pick against Satan Saban.   Bama wins.


Meechigan State vs Meechigan:  Michigan football is back and it is a good thing too because they had to disband the water polo team due to the horses drowning. Michigan State has been winning too, but they haven't been as impressive. If Michigan loses, Jim Harbaugh will kill some people. I'm going with Michigan. Michigan wins.


Reptiles vs Ellesyou:  Oh great, Florida is back too. Which reminds me of this great joke: Why can't they put on a live Nativity scene at Christmas at the University of Florida? Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.  Welcome back, Gators, but I'm thinking the chomping will be done by LSU. LSU wins.


The Mighty Hooters vs Another Type of Bulldog:  Our beloved Owls began their Big South Conference play in this game against Gardner-Webb, the only Baptist institution of higher learning named after Ava Garner and Jack Webb.  The Running Bulldogs are 2-3 for the year, but they have played a tougher schedule than The Owls. This is where we see how good The Owls really are. This is when I have to invoke the Lewis Grizzard rule. He once told me (really) "Always bet with  your head and not your heart".  I would love to see Kennesaw State win, but they won't. Gardner-Webb wins.

This Week's Picks and The Temple of Doom

Look, I didn't buy the hype for a minute.

I knew Georgia was going to lose to Alabama. Georgia always loses to Alabama. I think it is somewhere in the Bible that Georgia must lose to Alabama.

So it was a given that Coach Cutie Pie (Mark Richt) would have a terrible Monday, mainly because it was the day of his call in radio show. The blog, Dawg Nation reports this:

"A man, apparently a surgeon, called into Mark Richt’s radio show on Monday, saying he was a leader like Richt, only in the operating room. There are times, the man said, that he has a “complete debacle in my job,” just as Richt did on Saturday, forcing himself to ask what happened. So what questions, he wanted to know, does it force Richt to ask himself?"

The first question I would have asked: Why did I take this call?

 The second question I would have asked: Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever died during a Georgia debacle. How many have died during any of your debacles?

 The third question I would have asked: You realize that I am leading 18 to 22 year old nitwits in a game that is based on speed and strength while you are leading credentialed professionals trying to save a life?

This Week's Picks!

Water Logged Poochies vs Bad Orange:  This is a must game for both teams. Tennessee is one of those teams that would stop to help you fix a flat tire and somehow managed to set your car on fire. Meanwhile, Coach Butch Jones has supposedly hit a player causing one wit to call him "Rocky Top Balboa".  We learned that UGA is not First Class like Bama, but they sure ain't whatever class Tennessee is now. UGA wins.

Stung vs Good Orange: Lost in the UGA train wreck was the absolute cluster fudge Tech game. Tech lost another game they should have won which makes up for last year when they won games they should have lost. I was banned from watching the game by a certain reader who believes I cause Tech to lose by picking them to win. So, I picked them to lose last week and they still lost. For some reason, known only to Georgia Tech graduates, I am the reason Tech is losing. It has nothing to do with Coach Happy Gilmore's play calling or players that can't or won't tackle. You would think that reader would ban Tech and come over here to The Dark Side. We have cookies. Clemson beat Notre Dame and looked awesome sauce in doing it.  Clemson wins.

Went In Dumb Come Out Dumb Too vs The Cluckers: South Carolina couldn't stop Greyson Lambert. You think they can stop Leonard Fournette?  I'm not sure which coach is more insane: Les Miles or Steve Spurrier. I half way expect Spurrier to be in his robe and slippers by halftime. LSU wins.

I hate to say it but I love this man.

The Mighty Hooters vs The Pointers:  My beloved Kennesaw State Owls lost their first game to Dayton the other day. They have a chance of redemption in their first home coming game against Point University which is the alma mater of my niece. Really. Also, the President of Point University once threw me a game winning touchdown pass in a touch football game. Really.  Despite all of that, I must go with my beloved Owls. KSU wins. 

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.

Bear Bryant once said that "emotion has little to do with winning, football games are won though preparation and mental toughness." Georgia players and fans are much like Auburn players and fans. They act and play as if they are still in high school. Acting like fools and taunting your opponents before games is usually a sure way to lose and lose badly.