Rude, Crude, and Socially Unacceptable

This is how I approach The Oscars: I watch the opening monologue if I semi-like the host  (Billy Crystal, Steve Martin, or even Seth McFarland) and then  go to bed figuring that since I wasn’t nominated it really doesn’t matter who wins. If the host is someone I don’t like (for example: whoever hosted was last year) I skip to the chase (no pun intended) and go to bed.

Oscar host Seth McFarland is the brains, such as it is, behind the cartoon  “Family Guy”. This is a cartoon about a very fat Rhode Islander with a smoking hot wife, two ugly teenagers, a dog that drinks martinis and a baby who has a British accent.  It  is vulgar, crude, and sometimes very funny. Oddly enough, this year’s Oscars was vulgar, crude, and sometimes very funny.

One bit McFarland did was a song about famous actresses’ nude scenes. The reaction shots from the actresses mentioned in the song was priceless, included one who looked totally miffed that he included her in a song about nudity despite the fact she has been nude in the movies and Playboy magazine. Just a little bit of advice: if you don’t want someone to sing that they have seen you naked in the movies, don’t get naked in the movies.

It turns out McFarland was not the most controversial part of The Oscars and I’m not talking about The First Lady of The United States, Michelle Obama. (It was ironic that Mrs. Obama announced the winner of The Best Motion Picture was “Argo” which was about the United States saving  their embassy personnel under siege by Islamic fanatics unlike another certain United States embassy last year.) No, the most controversy from The Oscars was from a tweet sent out by the satirical internet newspaper, The Onion.

Like the rest of the wise guys the world, I started with Mad Magazine. Then I began reading  National Lampoon. National Lampoon goes south and here comes Spy. Spy goes down the tubes and then I found The Onion.   The Onion has done some incredibly funny work. My favorite article had the headline South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/south-postpones-rising-again-for-yet-another-year,377/

The Onion sent out a tweet saying that Quvenzhane Wallis, a nine year old that was nominated for her role in  Beasts of The Southern Wild was a word that is usually reserved for Republican Governors of Alaska. Of all of the swear words, this one ranks up that with the worst and you had to wonder: 1) why would someone even write this about a nine year old child and 2) why would anybody think this is funny?

The Onion has since deleted the tweet, which shouldn't have been written in the first place. Of course, we’ve had instant analysis. “The Onion has built its audience on razor-sharp satire that is both relentlessly progressive and unwilling to pull punches... I believe they made a shocking, ugly comment to point out that the way the media talks about women is often quite shocking and ugly” says Laura Hudson of Wired. She is right in that  The Onion satirizes everyone and everyone is a target. But, I’m not sure a lot of deep thought went into that tweet. If there had been any deep thought, maybe someone would have said, “Wait a second, Quvenzhane Wallis is not a Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican Party, she’s a nine year old girl! Is there anyone else that we can be relentlessly progressive about?"

The problem with humor/satire/comedy today is that there are no adults in the room. I can’t tell you how many Showtime Comedy stand ups I’ve turned off  because every other word is a swear word. After 500 or so cuss words in 10 minutes, it tends to get on your nerves. I agree with  James Lileks who said, "I am so tired of these people's love of naughty, naughty words and their delight in using them in all situations about all people in all places at all times.”

The only good thing is that we may have finally hit rock bottom. I doubt it

The Age of Accountability

One of the good things about Facebook and Twitter is that you can be exposed to articles and blogs that you probably had no idea existed. This was the case when my "Facebook Friend", Melanie Cryar (Fact about Melanie: she is the mother of  pretty half of the Indi-Atl-Americana band The Vespers) posted this blog post titled "Top 10 Reasons Our Kids Leave Church".  You can read it here: http://marc5solas.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/top-10-reasons-our-kids-leave-church/

In case you didn't know, in the past 20 years, The Evangelical Church has really loosned up  to the point where many of its big time pastors do not wear ties or tuck in their shirts when they preach. My mother spent a good part of my youth impressing upon me the necessity of wearing a tie and tucked in shirt when you are at church. It turns out God doesn't care as much about clothing as he did in 1967.

Many churches do not have organs in the traditional sense (organs are called "keyboards" now). They have guitars, keyboards, and drums. The "worship leader" does not even wave his arms when he is singing a "worship song". You don't look at a hymnal-you look at a screen. The words of some of the songs are familiar but the tunes are different.  Church members sit in "chairs" instead of "pews".  For some reason the lights are rarely turned on and you stand up a lot. I have  (Mom, do not hold this against me) actually drank a cup of coffee during worship service.  Things have changed.

There is a lot to recommend in this blog post. In fact, Evangelicals are a fairly reflective bunch. We're always wondering if we are doing the right thing in the right way.

The writer ("Marc") says, "We’ve taken a historic, 2,000 year old faith, dressed it in plaid and skinny jeans and tried to sell it as “cool” to our kids. It’s not cool. It’s not modern. What we’re packaging is a cheap knockoff of the world we’re called to evangelize".  People are always trying to re-engineer Christianity make it relevant to the "modern man". On the Liberal side of Christianity, this is really big. The Modern Man cannot believe in this part of the Bible or that part of Scripture or fifty other things.  Some Evangelicals have gotten in on the act  like Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, and others. However, generally Evangelicals have tried to tell the old, old story with in a new way and most of the time it is LOUD. Sometimes it works very well, like at Passion City Church in Atlanta. Sometimes it doesn't.

The post is very well written and is worth every Evangelical's time to read. The idea that the Evangelical Church is some sort of market driven entity needs to be hashed out out in the seminaries. Lord knows we need to do a better job in educating Evangelical youth in the faith.

However, I do have one slight problem and I've might have I've misread him, but I took him to believe that when "kids" leave the Church, it is the Church's fault. I'm not quite sure I buy that. Many times it has nothing to do with the Church at all. When some people get a taste of "sex, drugs, and rock and roll", they end up liking it. In my corner of the Evangelical World, we have this phrase called "The Age of Accountability". It just means that a person becomes accountable for their own actions when they can make a rational decision. Sometimes kids make a conscience decision to leave the faith.

I have a dear friend of mine who is very concerned over her adult son who has announced that he is an agnostic. My friend is a very devout and provided this young man with a Christian home. However, when her son was young (stop me if you have heard this before) his father  ran off with another woman.  While it is not a 'scientific' fact, it is remarkable how many agnostics and atheists have rotten Dads.  
 
Maybe he'll come back to the faith. He's still young and maybe it's just a phase he is going through. I know he has a Mom praying for him everyday. 
  

Gracie

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all,

Even cats. (recently found addition to the children’s hymn)

 It was not my idea.

It began when our five year old son asked for a baby brother or sister, it didn't matter which one. We explained that wasn’t going to happen (the reason why this wasn't going to happen is a long story). Then he asked for a dog.

I remember channeling my inner-Elvis and singing, “If there’s one thing, we don’t need, is another little hungry mouth to feed..” right before my wife slapped me.  It was true, in those days we were real busy. I remember a lot of over time at the insurance company. My wife was “on call” at her company too.  The idea of a pet just didn’t seem like a good idea.

Around this time, we decided to move into the house we live in now.We informed our son that we would get a dog to go with the new house.  Then after closing on the house, the former owner dropped a bombshell: our (new) next door neighbor was the stereotypical bitter mean old lady. She complained about their dog and called the police on them numerous times.

This put us in a dilemma: disappoint the child or have daily problems with the next door neighbor. Both had its points. You shouldn’t let other people, particularly those that don’t pay your mortgage, intimidate you. However, a child must learn that life has its disappointments and you can’t get everything you want.  This was what I favored. It is amazing I get Father’s Day presents.

My wife came up with another idea: how about a cat?

I was less than thrilled. My brother had a cat (named “The Kitten”) for six months in 1967 that my Mom accidentally ran over with her '62 Plymouth Valiant which was rated as the worst animal related death in the ‘60’s by American Heritage magazine.

                                 The 1962 Plymouth Cat Killer

On top of that, cats are, well, cats.

I’m pretty convinced that dogs have a spiritual side. Dogs exhibit most of the traits of a good Baptist: loyal, kind, happy to see you, being able to roll over, etc. Dogs act like they understand that they are a part of a fallen creation. On the other hand, cats are definitely post-modern. I could never see a cat as a member of any Christian denomination, except maybe The Episcopal Church.

                                    A canine confessional

Having a dog is like having another child in the house. Having a cat is like having a boarder in the house that doesn’t like you and still expects you to feed him.

Well, we got this cat from a “no kill” cat shelter. We had to sign a paper stating we would not have the claws removed. Big mistake furniture-wise.  She was a gray and white American Short Hair (cat talk for mutt) named “Dali” (after the painter Salvatore Dali).  We changed her name to Gracie.

That was 15 years ago. The little kitten grew up to be a little cat that weighs about 10 pounds. She bonded with the one person who didn’t want her: me. Cats are devilish that way. She’ll jump on my chest while I’m in bed and lick my nose. If I’m sitting around and watching TV, she’ll jump in my lap. Sometimes, she put her paws on my shoulder, like she is hugging me and purr. Then she’ll look me in the eyes as if she is saying, “I really  love you”. Then other times, she’ll bark at me to feed her. She can be really fickle. She has become a part of the family, the part that has fur and four legs.

I  took her to the Vet today.  We were afraid that it was getting to be “that time”.  She is drinking a lot of water and urinating frequently, which is the first sign of kidney failure in cats. Well, she has kidney failure, but the Vet said that "it wasn't that bad" and it could probably be managed with medicine and diet, but it wasn't time for "the time".

Afterwards, when we got home, I sat down in my chair. Gracie jumped up, put her paws on my shoulder and began purring. Then she looked me in the eyes as if to say, "You love me too".

Another Obligatory Super Bowl Blog

This may sound un-American, but I really didn’t get into The Super Bowl this year.  The main reason is that my hometown team, The Atlanta Falcons, lost in the NFC title game to The San Francisco 49er’s. When that happened, my interest just went south like the bad sport that I am. Ok, so sue me.

The quarterback for The 49ers is Colin Kaepernick. He is the Quarterback Du Jour because he runs real fast and has a rocket arm, just like last year’s Quarterback Du Jour, Cam Newton.  Kaepernick has what seems to be an inordinate amount of tattoos on his body.  I know tattoos are big with younger folks, but I subscribe to the Jimmy Buffett theory on tattoos: “Tattoos are a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.” It doesn’t make him a “bad” person and he seems like a nice kid,  but I don’t want to read his body.

On the other end of the spectrum is Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis was a great football player. Ray Lewis is, however, a problematic human being. Ray Lewis is a terrible theologian. I know God loves us all and is interested in our well being. Ray just makes it sound like that RAY is at the top of God’s list to bless. Sorry about you folks with cancer, but God needs to focus his attention on RAY.

Oh yeah, did you hear that the Coach of The 49ers and the Coach of The Ravens are brothers?  Yeah, same Mom and Dad and everything. Just when you thought you were tired of the Mannings, here comes the Harbaughs!

      The little girl is the new Head Coach of The Cleveland Browns

The game started out with Alicia Keys doing a four hour rendition of The National Anthem. This generation of singers, and I blame Mariah Carey, can take a phrase like “O say can you see..” and turn it into “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO saaaaaaaaay can youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Alicia Keys is a very talented beautiful woman, but gee, let’s try to finish The National Anthem before the game ends. 

 I was thinking about Alicia Keys and couldn't keep from crying.

Over the years, The Super Bowl has become the Commercial Premiere Bowl and we all spend the next day talking about the commercials as much as we do the game. This year, I thought the commercials were flat. You had Dodge replaying a Paul Harvey speech about a farmer and how we are all farmers if we drive a Dodge truck. I think that’s how Don Draper would have presented it. Go Daddy.com had the grossest commercial which feature a Super model playing tonsil hockey with a guy charitably described as a “nerd”.  This guy makes the nerds on “The Big Bang Theory” look like Calvin Klein models.  The commercial featured sounds that you do not associate with the NFL, much less a display of affection. Sometimes I wish Go Daddy would just go away.

                             The luckiest man on the face of the earth

The Super Bowl Halftime Show was Beyonce Knowles who is Jay-Z’s wife. I’m not sure who Jay-Z actually is, but he is very important. He’s been mentioned in a Mylie Cyrus song.  The last time we heard from Beyonce was when she lip-synched The National Anthem at President Obama’s inaugural.  Her show was an upgrade from last year’s show which was Madonna, who if she tried to move like Beyonce, would have broken several bones.  Beyonce reunited with her original singing group “Destiny’s Child”, although I must admit I didn’t know they had broken up. I am proud that I had actually heard of one her songs: “All The Single Ladies”. Yep, I am that hip. 

                                  "Destiny's Who? Oh Please...."

The most exciting part of the game was when the lights went out.  This is when I made the strategic decision to go to bed.  I think Baltimore won. As Ray Lewis would say, “When God is for you, you can sire a lot of kids and not marry their moms” or “When you’re with God, people will forget about a little thing that might have happened in Atlanta 13 years ago.”

What Difference Does It Make?

President Obama began his second term by accidentally giving a campaign speech instead of an inaugural address. He seemed to be hinting, if not actually saying, that the problems in America are caused by “Alan” and if he will just shut up, open his wallet and jump on The Freedom Express things will be much better.

                             The Biggest Problem Facing America

The President exposed his true Progressive-Kennedy wing of the Democratic Party bonafides when he basically said that none of us can be truly free until two men can marry. He said, “Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law – for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”  This thought did not spring from Washington, Madison, Jefferson, or Lincoln, but rather from Garth Brooks who said, “When we’re free to love anyone we choose…then we shall be free”.

This was the President’s outreach to those who disagree with him: “We cannot mistake absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate.”  I will translate this for you: “Hush. You lost the election. Na Na Na Na”. In the President’s Ivy League Professor Lounge World only conservatives (Republicans) are absolutists and name-callers. You wonder where he was when his former deputy press secretary produced a commercial that held Mitt Romney responsible for the death of a woman.

Speaking about spectacle, the day after the Inaugural, Future President Secretary of State Hillary Clinton finally gave her testimony before Congress regarding what happened in Benghazi on September 11, 2012.  The administration spent a good part of the fall explaining that Four Americans (including the Ambassador to Libya) were killed due to a viral YouTube video. They invested a lot of effort trying to convince people that this video was so offensive that it caused a group of peaceful people to grab some RPGs and go and kill some Americans. Of course, that wasn’t anywhere near the truth, which was that it was a planned al Qaeda terrorist attack.

              Future President Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

When questioned about this, Future President Secretary of State Clinton said, ““With all due respect, the fact is, we had four dead Americans. Was it because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk one night who decide to kill some Americans, what difference at this point does it make? It is our job to figure out what happened and do everything we can to prevent it from ever happening again, Senator.”

That is the glorious result of someone that has been drenched in situational ethics their entire adult life.  It was the difference between being honest with the American people or lying to the American people. There wasn’t even a good reason to lie about it. Most Americans realize that even though Bin Laden is dead, he probably had some crazies left ready to pick up the ball.  It was just an inconvenient truth in the middle of a competitive Presidential election.

“What difference does it make?” is probably on the Clinton Coat of Arms. Paula Jones: what difference does it make? Whitewater: what difference does it make?  What difference does it make that President Clinton is a chubby chaser and how he likes to “relax” in the Oval Office?

If the political smarty pants are right, we have at least 12 more years (4 Obama + 8 Clinton  Redux) of this.  But what difference will it make?  Nothing, except a man will be able to marry another man.

P.E.F. *Performance Enhancing Fantasy

It is getting to the point that the off-season of our favorite professional sport, college football, is almost as fun as the season itself.

It used to be the off-season of college football was about the recruitment of high school players leading up to The Put On A Hat with Momma Day (National Signing Day). Also, there were the inevitable stories of players committing various felonies and misdemeanors, particularly here in Georgia. It got so bad that I suggested there should be a headline in the sports page of the newspaper: NO UGA PLAYERS ARRESTED THIS WEEK.

Well, a couple of years ago, an Alabama fan, upset that Alabama lost to Auburn  poisoned the iconic oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn and called up Paul Finebaum’s radio show to brag about it.  Then, last year, Bobby Petrino had a wreck on a motorcycle while riding with a woman who was not Mrs. Bobby Petrino.  The image of Bobby Petrino in a neck brace was probably the highlight of the football season for me.  Now, we have the strange case of Manti Te’o.

                       I know being hurt isn't funny, but.....

In case you have been living under a rock, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o claimed that his grandmother and his girlfriend both happen to die on the same day, right before the Michigan State game. Te’o played one of his greatest games against Michigan State because nothing fires up a player more than having both your Mee-Maw and your soul mate die on the same day.  Then came the revelation last week:  the girlfriend not dead, Yay, she’s alive! No, she’s not because she was never existed. There was never a girl named Lennay Kekua.

                                 Not bad for somebody who isn't real.

Supposedly, Te’o is a victim of “catfishing”, a MTV term young people use for when a person uses the internet to pretend to be something they’re not, like good looking. If you believe Te’o, he fell hook, line and sinker for this girl, who did not exist.

Of course, I am suspicious of Te’o story because my son is the same age as Te’o and I know a lot of guys in that age group. I can say with confidence that most young men’s IQ range between 45 (for the smart ones) to 00 for the average guy. Also, I was a 22 years old at one time and would have killed for a pretend girlfriend, preferably one that looked like Bo Derek.

I’m not sure of a reason why somebody would want to prank a Division I linebacker. Division I linebackers are not known for having a self-deprecating sense of humor and the idea of public humiliation over a girl that did not exist would likely be met with a horse collar tackle if you catch my drift. That’s one of the reasons, I’m not buying Te’o’s claim of innocence.

One theory  being floated around is that Te’o is a homosexual and used the “girlfriend that lived in California” as a way to keep nosy people out of his business. The problem with this theory is that “being gay” is always the reason some people use to explain any type human behavior. You drive fast-you are gay. You drive slow-you are gay. You like to listen to Metallica-you are gay. You don’t like listen to Metallica.-you must be gay. Anyway, if Te’o was gay, somebody would have come out of the closet by now (ha, ha) and claimed to have huddled with Te’o

My theory is: he got together with this other guy and created this “ideal girl” as a goof and it just grew out of control. Why? Because he’s 22 years old and thought it would be funny.

I find it interesting that Te’o used the death of his supposed soul mate as motivation in his game against Michigan State. It was a Performance Enhancing Fantasy or P.E.F. If she had died a week earlier, he might have won the Heisman.

The Cake Left Out In The Rain

As much as I hate to admit it, I am a Baby Boomer, the group of wonderful children born between 1946  and 1964.  Our parents were "The Greatest Generation", the people that survived both a Great Depression and Great World War. Our generation was “The Not So Hot Generation”, which survived Non-cable/satellite TV and riding bicycles without helmets .

One thing we have going for us is our music totally, and no pun intended, rocks. It used to be that people sang and played instruments. They sang with deep, deep conviction regarding things like leaving cakes out in the rain. People were always leaving cakes out in the rain in the 60’s.  You’d come in the house and ask your Mom if there was any cake and she’d tell you to check outside.

 This is where the cake was left out of the rain: MacArthur Park

I am a late Baby Boomer (1959) and I spend a lot of time wondering what happened to the music of my youth. Why is music so bad now?

I think I know the day the music died. It was the day Van McCoy recorded “The Hustle”. You remember that song? Here are the lyrics: “Do the hustle. Do the hustle”.  The first couple of times I heard that song I thought the lyrics were, “Do the hot dog. Do the hot dog”. I come by this talent of misunderstanding lyrics naturally because my mother never understood a single lyric in the rock era. She thought, and this is the truth, The Culture Club song “Karma Chameleon” was “Come to me, Leon”.

One thing that might have killed the music was the 70’s singer-songwriters. There were a lot of depressing songs in the 70's that never made a lot of sense. Everybody had seen fire and rain. The cat was in the cradle and you are ignoring your kid.  I am I said I am to no one there and no one heard at all because no one was there that had ears.  I found your diary underneath the tree and started reading about me but then I realized it wasn’t about me so let’s just forget I mentioned it. There is this bullfrog, his name is Jeremiah, and he’s a good friend of mine.

One cheery-upbeat feel good song of the 70's was “The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald”. This was a song by Canadian Singer-Songwriter Gordon Lightfoot. If there is anything that says “depression” it is “Canadian Singer-Songwriter”. It commemorated the sinking of the bulk carrier SS Edmund Fitzgerald in Lake Superior on November 10, 1975. That’s what people sang about in the 70’s: boats sinking and “making sweet love”. (“Making sweet love” is a phrase you will find in all genres of music in the 70’s. From rock to soul to country, if people were not dying in sinking boats, they were “making sweet love”.)

             This is the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

One depressing 70’s song that I like is “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. If you do not want to have your sexuality questioned, never admit on Facebook that you purchased this song on iTunes. Trust me on this.

“Mandy” is a special song about a special girl who could give without taking.  Let’s face it; girls who can give with taking are about a dime a dozen. If you can find one that can give without taking, with all of this uphill climbing and nothing rhyming, I suggest you don’t send her away.

    I look at this picture and think: He needs a haircut.

“Mandy” could also kiss and stop people from shaking. This could revolutionize medical care in this county. Just think of how much money could be saved if Mandy and her medical kisses were in America’s emergency rooms.

Patient: “I’m shaking and I can’t stop!”

Doctor:  “Nurse Mandy. Kiss this man!”

Nurse Mandy: (smooch)

Patient: “I’m cured!”

The problem with “Mandy” is that it led straight to “The Copacabana” and music has been in the dumps ever since. Looks like we'll never have that recipe again, oh no.