Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Live From New York
It might come as a surprised to you, but I have some experience in television. For example, I was on The Popeye Club when I was in 1st Grade. The Popeye Club was a show on WSB-TV (in the 50’s and 60’s) that featured “Officer Don” and Popeye cartoons. Officer Don’s sidekick was “Orville the Green Dragon”. There was no attempt in teaching children anything other than to sit around and wait on the next cartoon.
I was not able to capitalize on my appearance on The Popeye Club to make television a career. Apparently there is some rule about if you are hideous looking you can’t be on TV. However, I have watched a lot of TV in my life, enough to be voted into The Couch Potato Hall of Fame. So I was thrilled when my wife announced we had tickets to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon even though I had never watched it and I get Jimmy Fallon mixed up with Seth Meyers.
Before we went to the taping of Late Night, we took the tour of The NBC Studios. This is a hit and miss affair. We were taken to one studio-the studio which tapes Dr Oz. This is an historical studio because it is where the original Late Nights with David Letterman and Conan O’Brien were taped. Dr Oz is okay; the times I’ve seen it he seems to be really interested in feces. Maybe I just happened to catch “Poop Week”.
One thing I did notice is that the pages at NBC look nothing like Kenneth on “30 Rock”. Most of them are very attractive young ladies who button only one button on their shirts. This is just scientific observation.
Our Late Night was a pretty good show. First we had great seats-in the middle of the third row, right above the cameras. The Late Night band is The Roots, which has a tuba player. It is an incredible band. Tina Fey and John Slattery were the guests. Tina doesn’t look like she eats. My wife has tagged John Slattery as her next husband.
We may live in a relativistic post modern world, however, if there is one constant it is that you cannot use your cell phone inside of a NBC studio. Somebody two rows down from us was texting during the show. I’m not sure what was so important that you couldn’t turn off your cell phone and watch Tina Fey eat a piece of fried chicken (they had a fried chicken contest-you had to be there). The Enforcer Pages (the ones that button their shirts) went all Abu Ghraib on this person and threw them out of the studio
On Saturday morning, we got up early and went to the Fox Studios. My wife loves the Weekend Fox and Friends crew and we met Alison, Dave, and Clayton. My wife was interviewed as part of the “After Show” for their website regarding the topic “Prom Prices”. If you have any high school students at home, you know a “Prom” can cost anywhere from One Billion Dollars to One Zillion Trillion Million Dollars. Lori hit the question out of the park while I was bringing sexy back in my blue Georgia Southern t-shirt. I’m surprised I wasn’t offered a show called “ALAN!” on the spot. (It would feature me wearing my various college t-shirts complaining about Obama.)
Saturday afternoon, we had tickets to Huckabee. Before the show started, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee came out and shook our hands. Then they took us to a holding room which had snacks. Huckabee, like his preacher pedigree, opened the show with a short homily. Then he interviewed two women, a guy, and Dolly Pardon. It was a taped interview with Dolly. She is at the point in her career can make breast jokes in front of an ordained minister. At the end of the show, they gave us a copy of Dolly’s new CD and a dinner for two at Cracker Barrel.
We were back at the hotel when the show came on. I saw myself on TV. Somebody texted me and as I was answering him I was shown again, looking like the King of Goober City. Then I was texted a screen grab of me clapping. Soon, I was all over Twitter and Facebook. My fifteen minutes of fame.
Somewhere, Orville the Green Dragon would have been proud.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
First We Take Manhattan
My wife (Queen Lodi of Brookmont) and I took our vagabond shoes and celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary in New York, New York. Neither one of us had been there before. We wanted to see if we could make it there because if we did, we could make it anywhere.
We stayed at a nice hotel in Times Square. Imagine the population of Atlanta, Georgia. Then imagine that population on a football field. That is Times Square on a Friday night. Yet, I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, unless you count a grown man dressed as The Statue of Liberty. I didn’t see any spit or puke the entire time. I heard the bad Anglo-Saxon word for “making sweet love” just once, which surprised me because I thought it was the official New York Swear Word.
The one word I have never associated with New York is “polite”. However, the people were polite and friendly. In most of the customer situations we were in, they actually seemed like they cared. Maybe they sent all of the rude ones to live here in Atlanta.
Funny thing happened at the hotel. The young lady, who checked us in, saw us and said, “Hey”. “Hey” is Southern speak for “Hello”. This young lady was from Lawrenceville, Georgia (another nearby Atlanta suburb) and was a recent graduate of Georgia State University. You have a hard time finding anyone from Lawrenceville in Lawrenceville, much less in New York. I thought she might have been an aspiring actress or dancer. That’s why everyone moves to New York, right? Nope, she majored in Hospitality. She said she lived in the Lower Upper East Side or the Upper Lower West Side. She might live in Brooklyn or she commutes from Lawrenceville (I don’t know; I get lost when New Yorkers explain where they live.)
She gave us a lesson in Manhattan geography that was quicker than a New York minute. It is important to realize New York is nothing like Atlanta, because the names of the streets actually make sense. For example, the portion of 52nd street going east is called East 52nd Street. 52nd Street going west is called West 52nd Street. In Atlanta, the portion of the street going east would be called Peachtree Road Street Avenue or Upper Peachtree Street Ferry Road. The portion of the street going west would be called Peachtree Circle Street Road or Alpharetta Peachtree Parkway Boulevard. But the locals would call it: The Four Lane.
Walking is probably the best way to get around Manhattan. Driving is not recommended for anyone that is human, or least, is not getting paid to do it. Driving in Manhattan is real slow and every driver uses their horns to express their innermost thoughts, which are vulgar. In Atlanta, horns are used to either expressing greetings or “we are going to crash and both die in a fiery explosion”.
Of course, you can use The Subway. If you are as mentally challenged as we are, you might want to think twice about it. I knew we would have trouble with The Subway, because we’ve had trouble on MARTA. Once, when our son was five, we took the MARTA train to downtown Atlanta to eat at The Hard Rock Café. Coming back on MARTA, we somehow got on a train that did not go to our stop,which I assure you is almost impossible to do. After a good ten minute lecture from the MARTA Man advising us that we were in a restricted area, we finally made it to another MARTA train that went to our station. It was one of those messes I hope the boy doesn’t bring up in therapy, although he probably will.
Anyway, we wanted to get on the 1-2-3 train, but we went down into the hole of the N-R-B-D-E-I-E-I-O train. Fortunately, we didn’t get on that train. I think it went to Lawrenceville. We left that hole and went and found the 1-2-3 hole. However, it was the hole for the train going in the opposite direction we were going. We left that hole and finally found the correct 1-2-3 hole. After that, it was easy and we became experts on riding the subway, as long as it was the 1-2-3.
Next: Our fifteen minutes of fame.
We stayed at a nice hotel in Times Square. Imagine the population of Atlanta, Georgia. Then imagine that population on a football field. That is Times Square on a Friday night. Yet, I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, unless you count a grown man dressed as The Statue of Liberty. I didn’t see any spit or puke the entire time. I heard the bad Anglo-Saxon word for “making sweet love” just once, which surprised me because I thought it was the official New York Swear Word.
The one word I have never associated with New York is “polite”. However, the people were polite and friendly. In most of the customer situations we were in, they actually seemed like they cared. Maybe they sent all of the rude ones to live here in Atlanta.
Funny thing happened at the hotel. The young lady, who checked us in, saw us and said, “Hey”. “Hey” is Southern speak for “Hello”. This young lady was from Lawrenceville, Georgia (another nearby Atlanta suburb) and was a recent graduate of Georgia State University. You have a hard time finding anyone from Lawrenceville in Lawrenceville, much less in New York. I thought she might have been an aspiring actress or dancer. That’s why everyone moves to New York, right? Nope, she majored in Hospitality. She said she lived in the Lower Upper East Side or the Upper Lower West Side. She might live in Brooklyn or she commutes from Lawrenceville (I don’t know; I get lost when New Yorkers explain where they live.)
She gave us a lesson in Manhattan geography that was quicker than a New York minute. It is important to realize New York is nothing like Atlanta, because the names of the streets actually make sense. For example, the portion of 52nd street going east is called East 52nd Street. 52nd Street going west is called West 52nd Street. In Atlanta, the portion of the street going east would be called Peachtree Road Street Avenue or Upper Peachtree Street Ferry Road. The portion of the street going west would be called Peachtree Circle Street Road or Alpharetta Peachtree Parkway Boulevard. But the locals would call it: The Four Lane.
Walking is probably the best way to get around Manhattan. Driving is not recommended for anyone that is human, or least, is not getting paid to do it. Driving in Manhattan is real slow and every driver uses their horns to express their innermost thoughts, which are vulgar. In Atlanta, horns are used to either expressing greetings or “we are going to crash and both die in a fiery explosion”.
Of course, you can use The Subway. If you are as mentally challenged as we are, you might want to think twice about it. I knew we would have trouble with The Subway, because we’ve had trouble on MARTA. Once, when our son was five, we took the MARTA train to downtown Atlanta to eat at The Hard Rock Café. Coming back on MARTA, we somehow got on a train that did not go to our stop,which I assure you is almost impossible to do. After a good ten minute lecture from the MARTA Man advising us that we were in a restricted area, we finally made it to another MARTA train that went to our station. It was one of those messes I hope the boy doesn’t bring up in therapy, although he probably will.
Anyway, we wanted to get on the 1-2-3 train, but we went down into the hole of the N-R-B-D-E-I-E-I-O train. Fortunately, we didn’t get on that train. I think it went to Lawrenceville. We left that hole and went and found the 1-2-3 hole. However, it was the hole for the train going in the opposite direction we were going. We left that hole and finally found the correct 1-2-3 hole. After that, it was easy and we became experts on riding the subway, as long as it was the 1-2-3.
Next: Our fifteen minutes of fame.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Easy Rider
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space - Steppenwolf
One of the difficult things about blogging is sometimes it is difficult coming up with a topic. I’m sure you have noticed. However, last week, the Lord presented to thy funny bond servant Alan something too good not to write about-University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino and his motorcycle accident.
Here’s what we thought happened. Petrino showed up at a press conference that College Football coaches hold to discuss the exciting spring practices wearing a neck brace and sporting some pretty nifty abrasions on his face. In true Petrino fashion he said, “What neck brace and abrasions?” Actually, he admitted that he was in a motorcycle accident.
Here’s what he left out. He had a passenger that was a new employee. This new employee was a hot, blonde 26 year old former volleyball player for the University of Arkansas. Oh yeah, Petrino explained, he didn’t tell that part of the story because he didn’t want to hurt his family because there was an “inappropriate relationship”. “Inappropriate relationship” is a nice way of saying Petrino and the employee were doing the Honolulu Hula.
I never thought Petrino would ever be involved in a sexual scandal. Not that he was above doing anything wrong. The man is what psychologists refer to as a “total turd”. He is well known for jumping from job to job while lying to the face of his employers, players and fans. He took the job as head coach of The Atlanta Falcons after signing a contract with The University of Louisville and then left the Falcons before the end of the season when the Arkansas job was offered.
Petrino getting involved with a younger woman never entered my radar. The man is sort of plain looking, unlike Mark Richt, who, you have to admit is a striking man even if he does still part his hair down the middle. If I looked like Mark Richt, I would be a total mess. I would use my good looks for evil. That’s why God made me like I am.
Of course, what Petrino does during half time is not any of my business. However, he is an employee of the State of Arkansas and he may have disgraced that fine state. The state in which the flagship university has a pig as its mascot. The state which gave the nation President Bill Clinton, who spent a good part of his second term trying to explain what is and is not sex. The state which gave the nation Wilbur Mills, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee in the early 70’s, who got into a fight with a stripper.
This incident has spawned a massive amount of new jokes (most of which a Baptist Deacon cannot print in family humor blog) and a couple of songs. It has also caused a certain amount of blow back from the Razorback nation. Sports radio talk show host Andy Hodges posted a mild joke about Petrino on Facebook and someone responded by quoting the Gospel of John (“ye without sin cast the first stone”) and begged Hodges to leave “our coach” alone. I looked on the roster, and I didn’t see this fellow’s name on it at all.
Which leads me to believe that Petrino will keep his job. He has won a lot of football games, which covers a multitude of sins,including lying to your boss. If he had a losing record, he would have been fired last week. Just expect to hear a lot of giggling when he tells his team that they need to step up and show some character.
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space - Steppenwolf
One of the difficult things about blogging is sometimes it is difficult coming up with a topic. I’m sure you have noticed. However, last week, the Lord presented to thy funny bond servant Alan something too good not to write about-University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino and his motorcycle accident.
Here’s what we thought happened. Petrino showed up at a press conference that College Football coaches hold to discuss the exciting spring practices wearing a neck brace and sporting some pretty nifty abrasions on his face. In true Petrino fashion he said, “What neck brace and abrasions?” Actually, he admitted that he was in a motorcycle accident.
Here’s what he left out. He had a passenger that was a new employee. This new employee was a hot, blonde 26 year old former volleyball player for the University of Arkansas. Oh yeah, Petrino explained, he didn’t tell that part of the story because he didn’t want to hurt his family because there was an “inappropriate relationship”. “Inappropriate relationship” is a nice way of saying Petrino and the employee were doing the Honolulu Hula.
I never thought Petrino would ever be involved in a sexual scandal. Not that he was above doing anything wrong. The man is what psychologists refer to as a “total turd”. He is well known for jumping from job to job while lying to the face of his employers, players and fans. He took the job as head coach of The Atlanta Falcons after signing a contract with The University of Louisville and then left the Falcons before the end of the season when the Arkansas job was offered.
Petrino getting involved with a younger woman never entered my radar. The man is sort of plain looking, unlike Mark Richt, who, you have to admit is a striking man even if he does still part his hair down the middle. If I looked like Mark Richt, I would be a total mess. I would use my good looks for evil. That’s why God made me like I am.
Of course, what Petrino does during half time is not any of my business. However, he is an employee of the State of Arkansas and he may have disgraced that fine state. The state in which the flagship university has a pig as its mascot. The state which gave the nation President Bill Clinton, who spent a good part of his second term trying to explain what is and is not sex. The state which gave the nation Wilbur Mills, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee in the early 70’s, who got into a fight with a stripper.
This incident has spawned a massive amount of new jokes (most of which a Baptist Deacon cannot print in family humor blog) and a couple of songs. It has also caused a certain amount of blow back from the Razorback nation. Sports radio talk show host Andy Hodges posted a mild joke about Petrino on Facebook and someone responded by quoting the Gospel of John (“ye without sin cast the first stone”) and begged Hodges to leave “our coach” alone. I looked on the roster, and I didn’t see this fellow’s name on it at all.
Which leads me to believe that Petrino will keep his job. He has won a lot of football games, which covers a multitude of sins,including lying to your boss. If he had a losing record, he would have been fired last week. Just expect to hear a lot of giggling when he tells his team that they need to step up and show some character.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Love and Marriage
Pretty soon, my wife and I will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. I guess that means that it “took”.
This probably comes as a surprise to some people. There were those back then who thought I had definitely out kicked my coverage and Lori took on a hopeless building project. While I did out kick my coverage with Lori, I’d say she’s done pretty well with her project.
In any event, I think I can now give people the benefit of my wisdom regarding marriage. Boy, if you look at the statistics, my wisdom couldn’t hurt. You don’t have to be Tammy Wynette to know that half of all marriages end in D-I-V-O-R-C-E. That’s with a record number of couples are living together before marriage, which was suppose to solve that problem. My mother used to say these couples were “shacking up”. You don’t hear that term anymore.
As long as I am here, let me advise you of something that will prevent me from ever directing a major Hollywood motion picture. I believe marriage is between a man and woman. I know - call me a weirdo.
I’m going to direct my attention to the men out there. It is obvious that of the two genders, the male of the species is what most scientists refer to as “a total retard” when it comes to marriage. There are various theories for this. The most commonly accepted is that men are retards and they cannot help themselves. The following should help my brothers in arms.
1. What ever you do, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT have sex with another woman while you are married. Women find this objectionable. Even if this woman is Jennifer Aniston and she tells you that you need to make sweet love to her to keep her from dying a fast painful sudden death. By the way, no judge is going to believe that Jennifer Aniston was after you.
2. Do not ever argue with your wife. She will, almost always, be right, because she is smarter than you and uses this organ in her body called: The Brain. You might want to Google to see what this organ does instead of Googling “Nekkid Pictures of that 'X-Files' woman”.
3. Never have any opinions. You will find the pain in your head will go away once you agree with her.
4. When your wife is pulled over for a speeding and she tells you that she was not speeding and gives you a ten minute explanation of how she knows she was not speeding, just listen to her. Do not say, “The jails are filled with innocent people”. Trust me on this one.
5. For some reason, women that have the regular “time of the month” forget to buy their products and will remember they need their products at the most inconvenient times such as 1:00 A.M. Christmas morning or the day you are inaugurated as President. Just do as she says and go get it.
6. She expects some help with the kids. This means changing diapers. I had a friend of mine named Grover (really), who said he got to where he could eat a chicken salad sandwich and change a diaper at the same time. By the way, he’s been married much longer than I have.
7. She will bust a gut worrying about the kids. Lori has worried about every aspect of our son’s life. I mainly worried about his batting average.
8. If you ever feel the need to critique her looks and/or body, look in the mirror, buddy.
9. The amount of time she will talk about her hair: 400 hours (in a week). Time you will talk about your hair: 30 seconds (during the span of a 50 year marriage).
This probably comes as a surprise to some people. There were those back then who thought I had definitely out kicked my coverage and Lori took on a hopeless building project. While I did out kick my coverage with Lori, I’d say she’s done pretty well with her project.
In any event, I think I can now give people the benefit of my wisdom regarding marriage. Boy, if you look at the statistics, my wisdom couldn’t hurt. You don’t have to be Tammy Wynette to know that half of all marriages end in D-I-V-O-R-C-E. That’s with a record number of couples are living together before marriage, which was suppose to solve that problem. My mother used to say these couples were “shacking up”. You don’t hear that term anymore.
As long as I am here, let me advise you of something that will prevent me from ever directing a major Hollywood motion picture. I believe marriage is between a man and woman. I know - call me a weirdo.
I’m going to direct my attention to the men out there. It is obvious that of the two genders, the male of the species is what most scientists refer to as “a total retard” when it comes to marriage. There are various theories for this. The most commonly accepted is that men are retards and they cannot help themselves. The following should help my brothers in arms.
1. What ever you do, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT have sex with another woman while you are married. Women find this objectionable. Even if this woman is Jennifer Aniston and she tells you that you need to make sweet love to her to keep her from dying a fast painful sudden death. By the way, no judge is going to believe that Jennifer Aniston was after you.
2. Do not ever argue with your wife. She will, almost always, be right, because she is smarter than you and uses this organ in her body called: The Brain. You might want to Google to see what this organ does instead of Googling “Nekkid Pictures of that 'X-Files' woman”.
3. Never have any opinions. You will find the pain in your head will go away once you agree with her.
4. When your wife is pulled over for a speeding and she tells you that she was not speeding and gives you a ten minute explanation of how she knows she was not speeding, just listen to her. Do not say, “The jails are filled with innocent people”. Trust me on this one.
5. For some reason, women that have the regular “time of the month” forget to buy their products and will remember they need their products at the most inconvenient times such as 1:00 A.M. Christmas morning or the day you are inaugurated as President. Just do as she says and go get it.
6. She expects some help with the kids. This means changing diapers. I had a friend of mine named Grover (really), who said he got to where he could eat a chicken salad sandwich and change a diaper at the same time. By the way, he’s been married much longer than I have.
7. She will bust a gut worrying about the kids. Lori has worried about every aspect of our son’s life. I mainly worried about his batting average.
8. If you ever feel the need to critique her looks and/or body, look in the mirror, buddy.
9. The amount of time she will talk about her hair: 400 hours (in a week). Time you will talk about your hair: 30 seconds (during the span of a 50 year marriage).
Monday, March 26, 2012
Another Mad Men Semi-Recap
A couple of years ago, I promised not to do a weekly recap of Mad Men, the show about an advertising agency in the ‘60’s. In the fall of 2009, I filled Humor Me with a weekly recap of Mad Men. I thought it was brilliant, worthy of much praise and money. Nobody ever said a thing about it. Then in 2010, I did a weekly recap of 24 and my readers seemed to enjoy it. This taught me one lesson: if you are going to do a weekly recap of a television show, make it a show people watch.
Season 5 of Mad Men premiered the other night after a 17 month hiatus. The reason for the lay off is difficult to understand, except I’m under the strong impression it had to do with money and lots of it.
But I’m happy to say that, so far, everybody in Mad Men is still smoking (indoors!) and drinking at work. Everybody has a couch in their office. I’m not sure what actually gets done at Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, Nixon, and Agnew. Everyone shows up around 9:00, takes a coffee break at 9:30, has a nervous breakdown at 10:00, goes to lunch at 10:30, comes back to take a nap on the couch at 1:30, has a meeting with a client about at 3:30, and has sex with whoever walks by at 4:30. Then it is out the door at 5:00.
The main character is Don Draper, who is sexy on a stick. He has a super power that causes women to take off their clothes. You can’t list all of the women that he had his way with - it is simpler to list the women he hadn’t (Lady Bird Johnson).
Well, during the past couple of seasons, Don’s marriage to Betty has slowly disintegrated despite the fact that he was only sleeping with various beatnik chicks, agents, school teachers, psychologists and secretaries. Oh yeah, Don Draper, isn’t Don Draper. He is really Dick Whitman and comes from a real white trash background.
Given these circumstances, it would be easy to sympathize with Betty Draper. One problem: Betty is clinically insane, in a bad way. She is also a terrible parent. Her parenting skills of Sally (you will see her at Studio 54 in 1977), Bobby and Baby Gene would rank somewhere between Adolph Hitler (on a good day) and Charles Manson (on a bad day).
This episode helped you catch up with the characters. Don married a leggy French-Canadian named Megan that happened to be one of his old secretaries (or agent/client/psychologist, there's been so many I get confused). They have moved into this swinging Manhattan apartment that looks like Artie Johnson and Ruth Buzzi are going to show up and start asking people to sock it to them.
Megan throws Don as surprise birthday party. Don hates surprises, unless it involves women’s clothes suddenly flying off. Megan sings this song to Don called “Zou Bisou Bisou” ( English translation: You are a Bisou, Bisou). Betty would have never done this for Don. She would have thrown a party and then stomp off mad because Don is in the closet making out with a neighbor that’s a Kennedy supporter.
There are other stories going on. Joan, who put the VA in the VA-VA-VOOM, had Roger Sterling’s baby. The baby has white hair and smokes cigarettes. Peggy, our plucky sweet Catholic girl that had the slimy Pete Campbell’s baby in season one, has her pumpkin feelings hurt when a client doesn’t like her idea of ballet dancing beans. Some people.
Lane Pryce, the agency’s CFO finds a wallet with a girl’s picture in it. This takes up a lot of time for no apparent reason except to prove that Lane is a perv. Speaking of pervs: Harry, the agency’s Media man, says something about Megan (who is still working at the agency) that is not politically correct,even by 1966 standards. Pete Campbell is trying his best to morph into a 60’s version of Major Frank Burns.
Meanwhile, Megan and Don have a spat about the party. She goes home. He follows. It turns out that she cleans house in her underwear. This would only happen to Don Draper. Despite her instructions of “don’t look at me” they soon make passionate basic cable love. All is well in Draper World. Don’t worry - it won’t last.
Season 5 of Mad Men premiered the other night after a 17 month hiatus. The reason for the lay off is difficult to understand, except I’m under the strong impression it had to do with money and lots of it.
But I’m happy to say that, so far, everybody in Mad Men is still smoking (indoors!) and drinking at work. Everybody has a couch in their office. I’m not sure what actually gets done at Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, Nixon, and Agnew. Everyone shows up around 9:00, takes a coffee break at 9:30, has a nervous breakdown at 10:00, goes to lunch at 10:30, comes back to take a nap on the couch at 1:30, has a meeting with a client about at 3:30, and has sex with whoever walks by at 4:30. Then it is out the door at 5:00.
The main character is Don Draper, who is sexy on a stick. He has a super power that causes women to take off their clothes. You can’t list all of the women that he had his way with - it is simpler to list the women he hadn’t (Lady Bird Johnson).
Well, during the past couple of seasons, Don’s marriage to Betty has slowly disintegrated despite the fact that he was only sleeping with various beatnik chicks, agents, school teachers, psychologists and secretaries. Oh yeah, Don Draper, isn’t Don Draper. He is really Dick Whitman and comes from a real white trash background.
Given these circumstances, it would be easy to sympathize with Betty Draper. One problem: Betty is clinically insane, in a bad way. She is also a terrible parent. Her parenting skills of Sally (you will see her at Studio 54 in 1977), Bobby and Baby Gene would rank somewhere between Adolph Hitler (on a good day) and Charles Manson (on a bad day).
This episode helped you catch up with the characters. Don married a leggy French-Canadian named Megan that happened to be one of his old secretaries (or agent/client/psychologist, there's been so many I get confused). They have moved into this swinging Manhattan apartment that looks like Artie Johnson and Ruth Buzzi are going to show up and start asking people to sock it to them.
Megan throws Don as surprise birthday party. Don hates surprises, unless it involves women’s clothes suddenly flying off. Megan sings this song to Don called “Zou Bisou Bisou” ( English translation: You are a Bisou, Bisou). Betty would have never done this for Don. She would have thrown a party and then stomp off mad because Don is in the closet making out with a neighbor that’s a Kennedy supporter.
There are other stories going on. Joan, who put the VA in the VA-VA-VOOM, had Roger Sterling’s baby. The baby has white hair and smokes cigarettes. Peggy, our plucky sweet Catholic girl that had the slimy Pete Campbell’s baby in season one, has her pumpkin feelings hurt when a client doesn’t like her idea of ballet dancing beans. Some people.
Lane Pryce, the agency’s CFO finds a wallet with a girl’s picture in it. This takes up a lot of time for no apparent reason except to prove that Lane is a perv. Speaking of pervs: Harry, the agency’s Media man, says something about Megan (who is still working at the agency) that is not politically correct,even by 1966 standards. Pete Campbell is trying his best to morph into a 60’s version of Major Frank Burns.
Meanwhile, Megan and Don have a spat about the party. She goes home. He follows. It turns out that she cleans house in her underwear. This would only happen to Don Draper. Despite her instructions of “don’t look at me” they soon make passionate basic cable love. All is well in Draper World. Don’t worry - it won’t last.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Selah
We have lost another legend.
It was just a couple of months ago we bid adieu to Larry Munson. He was the gravel voice of The University of Georgia Bulldogs. Munson was the ultimate homer. He used the word “We” when discussing the Bulldogs, like the man with a mouse in his pocket. Munson had a way of making every play sound like it was life or death. He is one of the impressions I still do. I love saying “Sugar is falling from the sky”.
Back last summer we lost Ernie Johnson, the old broadcaster for The Atlanta Braves. The man had the best voice ever for baseball. As comfortable as an old house shoe, he was the polar opposite of Munson. Johnson seemed to understand that, after all, it was just a game.
Has it really been almost four years since we heard Skip Caray say, “Hello again everybody”? If Ernie Johnson was everyone’s wise old uncle, Caray was everyone’s wise acre cousin. They stuck with The Braves through thick and thin, mainly the thin. I wonder how many bad baseball games they announced. When The Braves finally won the World Series, it was Skip behind the mike. He said what he always said when something important happened: “Listen to this crowd”. He realized that baseball is something for the crowd.
Furman Bisher died March 18, 2012. He was 93 years old. He was once the editor of sports page of The Atlanta Journal and later became a columnist for the Journal which somehow morphed into what it is now: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Someone mentioned Bisher wrote a book called Strange But True Baseball Stories. I am confident that every boy in East Marietta in 1969 read that book. I don’t remember all of the strange but true stories, but I’m sure there was chapter on Eddie Gaedel, the 3ft 7in player for The St.Louis Browns (Number: 1/8). There had to be a chapter on the one armed outfielder Pete Gray of...(you guess it) The St. Louis Browns. If I’m wrong, I don’t mind you telling me. It was a great introduction to baseball
Bisher was always around. He knew Ty Cobb. He interviewed “Shoeless” Joe Jackson. Bisher was very instrumental in getting the Milwaukee Braves to move to Atlanta. (He tried to get Charlie Finley to move the Kansas City Athletics here. Can you imagine Charlie Finley in Atlanta? We would have loved those awful pollen yellow uniforms and a player named Catfish. I’m not sure Reggie Jackson would have been popular.)
He was the mentor to almost a ton of great sportswriters. Walburn. Kay. Minter. Hudspeth. Bradley. Schultz. Arey. Grizzard. Lewis Grizzard, his pet, once said, “I made up my mind that when I became a sportswriter, I would write like Furman Bisher.”
Back in the 70’s, the newspaper would have a weekly contest called “Beat Bisher”. The idea was to have Bisher select who he thought would win the important football games of the weekend and you picked who you thought would win. If you guessed more winners than Bisher, the newspaper would send you a bumper sticker that read “I beat Bisher”.
Looking back on it, nobody ever beat Bisher, because nobody could. Nobody every will.
It was just a couple of months ago we bid adieu to Larry Munson. He was the gravel voice of The University of Georgia Bulldogs. Munson was the ultimate homer. He used the word “We” when discussing the Bulldogs, like the man with a mouse in his pocket. Munson had a way of making every play sound like it was life or death. He is one of the impressions I still do. I love saying “Sugar is falling from the sky”.
Back last summer we lost Ernie Johnson, the old broadcaster for The Atlanta Braves. The man had the best voice ever for baseball. As comfortable as an old house shoe, he was the polar opposite of Munson. Johnson seemed to understand that, after all, it was just a game.
Has it really been almost four years since we heard Skip Caray say, “Hello again everybody”? If Ernie Johnson was everyone’s wise old uncle, Caray was everyone’s wise acre cousin. They stuck with The Braves through thick and thin, mainly the thin. I wonder how many bad baseball games they announced. When The Braves finally won the World Series, it was Skip behind the mike. He said what he always said when something important happened: “Listen to this crowd”. He realized that baseball is something for the crowd.
Furman Bisher died March 18, 2012. He was 93 years old. He was once the editor of sports page of The Atlanta Journal and later became a columnist for the Journal which somehow morphed into what it is now: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Someone mentioned Bisher wrote a book called Strange But True Baseball Stories. I am confident that every boy in East Marietta in 1969 read that book. I don’t remember all of the strange but true stories, but I’m sure there was chapter on Eddie Gaedel, the 3ft 7in player for The St.Louis Browns (Number: 1/8). There had to be a chapter on the one armed outfielder Pete Gray of...(you guess it) The St. Louis Browns. If I’m wrong, I don’t mind you telling me. It was a great introduction to baseball
Bisher was always around. He knew Ty Cobb. He interviewed “Shoeless” Joe Jackson. Bisher was very instrumental in getting the Milwaukee Braves to move to Atlanta. (He tried to get Charlie Finley to move the Kansas City Athletics here. Can you imagine Charlie Finley in Atlanta? We would have loved those awful pollen yellow uniforms and a player named Catfish. I’m not sure Reggie Jackson would have been popular.)
He was the mentor to almost a ton of great sportswriters. Walburn. Kay. Minter. Hudspeth. Bradley. Schultz. Arey. Grizzard. Lewis Grizzard, his pet, once said, “I made up my mind that when I became a sportswriter, I would write like Furman Bisher.”
Back in the 70’s, the newspaper would have a weekly contest called “Beat Bisher”. The idea was to have Bisher select who he thought would win the important football games of the weekend and you picked who you thought would win. If you guessed more winners than Bisher, the newspaper would send you a bumper sticker that read “I beat Bisher”.
Looking back on it, nobody ever beat Bisher, because nobody could. Nobody every will.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Rush To Judgement
I think I am the only person in the world that was not horrified, simply horrified, that Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke “a slut”.
It is not that I’m in favor of calling people names, unless, of course, they are the former governor of Alaska. Then it is okay to use all of the names possible, preferably gynecological in nature.
Sandra Fluke is a “third year” Georgetown University Law School student who gave a faux testimony to Congressional Democrats about how hard it is (that’s what she said) to go to law school and buy birth control pills. Georgetown University is a Catholic university and their “insurance” plan does not cover contraceptives. As we all know, contraceptives can run into the tens of dollars.
In case you are not aware, Rush Limbaugh is a radio talk show host that Democrats have been trying to cancel for years because he says things Democrats do not like. Limbaugh, who is not the most delicate of creatures, was reviewing Fluke’s testimony and that’s when the “S” word hit the fan.
In political discussions, one is not supposed to call someone else a “slut”. Especially if that other someone is a Democrat, who upon hearing that word, had a sudden case of the vapors. Radio advertisers became a little bit skittish, believing their products would be associated with a mean fat man. This caused Limbaugh to issue a lame apology that was not accepted by Ms. Fluke because as it turns out, Ms. Fluke is a thirty year old Democrat activist that happens to be third year law student which is a pretty good gig if you can get it despite the bummer on the birth control pills.
Birth control pills first became available to the public in 1960. Since then, the Catholic Church has opposed birth control pills. It has been in all of the papers. Since Georgetown University is a Catholic University, they are opposed to birth control pills. The Obama Administration for some odd reason wants to pick fights with the Catholic Church (But they do not pick fights with Islam. Muslims kill people. A Catholic will write a strongly worded letter)
Nobody is forcing Fluke to go a law school that is associated with the Catholic Church. There are 199 other ABA approved law schools in this country. Surely there is one that carries insurance that pays for oral contraceptives. It could be a great marketing tool. “The Kennesaw State School Of Law will not only provide you was a great legal education, we will make sure that not a dime of out of your pocket will go to prevent a legal boo-boo (Latin term: Boomus Boomum)."
Somehow in the grand and glorious history of the United States, we have found a way to become the greatest country on earth without paying for somebody else’s contraceptives. It is simply odd that at a time of great unemployment, incredible debt, and a Nuclear Iran that we are even talking about this subject.
But we are because if you have the record the Democrats have you want to change the subject as quickly as possible. You have to scare people into thinking that Rick Santorum will make a frowny face at you when you pick up your prescription at Walgreens.
Mark Steyn said “The most basic issue here is not religious morality, individual liberty or fiscal responsibility. It's that a society in which middle-age children of privilege testify before the most powerful figures in the land to demand state-enforced funding for their sex lives at a time when their government owes more money than anyone has ever owed in the history of the planet is quite simply nuts.”
Rush Limbaugh should not have called Sandra Fluke a slut. He should have called her a nut.
**Before anybody asks, my schedule does not allow me time to listen to “The Rush Limbaugh Show”. But no, he does not deserve to be removed from AM radio stations any more than Bill Maher deserves to be removed from HBO for calling Sarah Palin a word that rhymes with “bunt”.
It is not that I’m in favor of calling people names, unless, of course, they are the former governor of Alaska. Then it is okay to use all of the names possible, preferably gynecological in nature.
Sandra Fluke is a “third year” Georgetown University Law School student who gave a faux testimony to Congressional Democrats about how hard it is (that’s what she said) to go to law school and buy birth control pills. Georgetown University is a Catholic university and their “insurance” plan does not cover contraceptives. As we all know, contraceptives can run into the tens of dollars.
In case you are not aware, Rush Limbaugh is a radio talk show host that Democrats have been trying to cancel for years because he says things Democrats do not like. Limbaugh, who is not the most delicate of creatures, was reviewing Fluke’s testimony and that’s when the “S” word hit the fan.
In political discussions, one is not supposed to call someone else a “slut”. Especially if that other someone is a Democrat, who upon hearing that word, had a sudden case of the vapors. Radio advertisers became a little bit skittish, believing their products would be associated with a mean fat man. This caused Limbaugh to issue a lame apology that was not accepted by Ms. Fluke because as it turns out, Ms. Fluke is a thirty year old Democrat activist that happens to be third year law student which is a pretty good gig if you can get it despite the bummer on the birth control pills.
Birth control pills first became available to the public in 1960. Since then, the Catholic Church has opposed birth control pills. It has been in all of the papers. Since Georgetown University is a Catholic University, they are opposed to birth control pills. The Obama Administration for some odd reason wants to pick fights with the Catholic Church (But they do not pick fights with Islam. Muslims kill people. A Catholic will write a strongly worded letter)
Nobody is forcing Fluke to go a law school that is associated with the Catholic Church. There are 199 other ABA approved law schools in this country. Surely there is one that carries insurance that pays for oral contraceptives. It could be a great marketing tool. “The Kennesaw State School Of Law will not only provide you was a great legal education, we will make sure that not a dime of out of your pocket will go to prevent a legal boo-boo (Latin term: Boomus Boomum)."
Somehow in the grand and glorious history of the United States, we have found a way to become the greatest country on earth without paying for somebody else’s contraceptives. It is simply odd that at a time of great unemployment, incredible debt, and a Nuclear Iran that we are even talking about this subject.
But we are because if you have the record the Democrats have you want to change the subject as quickly as possible. You have to scare people into thinking that Rick Santorum will make a frowny face at you when you pick up your prescription at Walgreens.
Mark Steyn said “The most basic issue here is not religious morality, individual liberty or fiscal responsibility. It's that a society in which middle-age children of privilege testify before the most powerful figures in the land to demand state-enforced funding for their sex lives at a time when their government owes more money than anyone has ever owed in the history of the planet is quite simply nuts.”
Rush Limbaugh should not have called Sandra Fluke a slut. He should have called her a nut.
**Before anybody asks, my schedule does not allow me time to listen to “The Rush Limbaugh Show”. But no, he does not deserve to be removed from AM radio stations any more than Bill Maher deserves to be removed from HBO for calling Sarah Palin a word that rhymes with “bunt”.
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