It is finally here: another season of “Dancing With The Stars”, which I can proudly say I have only watched four minutes off in its 1200 seasons. This season’s “The Stars” included Nancy Grace and Chaz (formerly Chastity) Bono. My son, the former sixth string wing back of the Kennesaw Mountain Mustangs (Ben Manis #38) can do a great Nancy Grace impression, complete with nostril flare. So remember that when you tell me about your twelve year old kid on the Dean’s List at MIT. I’m not sure why America wants to see Chaz Bono dance. That is why America needs This Week’s Picks now more than ever. It is either TWP or watch the misbegotten offspring of Sonny and Cher do The Watusi.
This Week’s Picks!
Murray State vs. Lousyville: College Football knows how to get their party started! Murray State is in Murray, Kentucky which is somewhere in the United States. It is also the home of “The Pullen Farm” which is party central in Murray, Kentucky. Louisville looks like it is getting back to its Bobby Petrino days: a good stepping stone to somewhere else. The Cardinals win.
Do Not Amount to Much vs. Bees: Georgia Tech has been running commercials featuring highlights from 2009, which is a good idea because 2010 stunk up the joint. Western Carolina’s punter is the son of my son’s fourth grade baseball coach. Really. Unfortunately, this is a money game for Western Carolina, which is Tech coach Paul Johnson’s alma mater. He was WCU’s Mr. Personality in 1978. Bees buzz and win the game.
Amorous Frogs vs. Baptist Bears: TCU was the feel good story of the year while Baylor has never felt good. TCU keeps on winning, Baylor keeps on losing.
Blue Horses vs. Bulldawgies. For the first time in human history, thanks to Nike, both schools will be wearing uniforms that will give you severe motion sickness. This is a big game for both teams. For Boise State, a win means Kirk Herbstreit will mention Boise State every ten minutes, whether if he is broadcasting or not. (“How would you like your eggs, Mr. Herbstreit?” “Boise State!”) It also means a possible chance at the National Championship, which is as likely as Chaz Bono winning “Dancing With The Stars" and the Iowa Republican Caucus. For Georgia, a win means Jesus loves them. Hallelujah! Dawgs win!
Quacks vs. Go In Dumb Come Out Dumb Too: This is LSU Coach Les Miles' game plan: Make Oregon believe that Jordan Jefferson was going to be the major factor in the game that for some reason is being played in Dallas. Then, he convinces Jefferson to show major state university football team leadership by kicking somebody in the head in a bar fight. That means Jefferson’s out and Jarrett Lee is the quarterback. Like all of Les Miles’ hairbrained schemes, this one will pan out with Lee eventually winning the Heisman Trophy and an Oscar. Tigers win.
Georgia Southern vs. Sam Ford: Last year, the Eagles made the FCS playoffs, which included a game at William and Mary during finals. Of course, the bass player for my son’s band (The Rolling Stones) went to the game. The Eagles won the game. He skipped the game after the finals and GSU lost. It is not known if Chad Hester will make it to Birmingham for this game. It won’t matter, the Eagles win.
Birmingham-Southern vs. LaGrange: Our old buddy Cole Rudder plays for the Birmingham-Southern Panthers and they face off against the LaGrange Panthers. You know what I say every year: the Panthers win.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Forgive Him, He Knows Not Of What He Writes
As amazing as it seems today, there was a time in this country that if somebody with The New York Times wrote something as totally stupid, if not as insane, as Executive editor Bill Keller’s piece entitled “Asking Candidates Tough Questions About Faith”, it would be news. Now it is just another example of the Bizzaro world of the big time news media acting like Christianity just started a few weeks ago.
Keller begins his piece with this statement: “If a candidate for president said he believed that space aliens dwell among us, would that affect your willingness to vote for him?” Well, there was a candidate that said he saw a UFO and his name was Jimmy Carter. For the record, he did have a space alien in his administration -Zbigniew Brzezinski- but that’s another story.
You don’t have to be a liberal arts graduate to figure out where this is heading. A lot of the GOP candidates are, brace yourselves for this terrible news, Evangelical Christians, which, if you read The New York Times, is the force behind flying planes into buildings, shootings at army bases, and various attempts to blow up planes by using shoes and underwear. No, wait, it wasn’t The Southern Baptist Convention that flew the planes into the North and South towers, it was another religion that begins with an “I” and is a religion of peace.
The cause of Mr. Keller’s concern is Michele Bachmann, who is either an Evangelical Lutheran or a Baptist now. It really doesn’t matter to Keller. In the original publication of his article, Keller identified Rick Santorum as an Evangelical, when Santorum is a Roman Catholic. Every Republican is just one big religious boogey-man to Mr. Keller.
Keller says, “I learned that Michele Bachmann’s influences include spiritual and political mentors who preach the literal “inerrancy” of the Bible, who warn Christians to be suspicious of ideas that come from non-Christians, who believe homosexuality is an abomination”. You could remove the words “Michele Bachmann” and put in these words: “Harry Truman” or “Dwight Eisenhower” or “John Kennedy” or every President since because a major spiritual mentor of each one was Billy Graham. Billy Graham preached the literal inerrancy of the Bible, suspicion of non-Christian ideas and that homosexuality is a sin.
Mr. Keller is worried about “Dominionism” which is supposedly sweeping the nation despite the fact nobody has ever heard of it and nobody really knows what it means. At least Mr. Keller is honest to enough to admit that “(Neither) Bachmann nor Perry has, as far as I know, pledged allegiance to the Dominionists”. Whew, that was a close one.
Keller ends this piece with several questions that he thinks should be asked to the GOP contenders. (It is interesting to note that Mr. Keller apparently doesn’t seem interested in the religious beliefs of Democrats. There was a huge religious controversy in 2008 when Obama’s pastor, Jeremiah Wright, made, at the very least, controversial comments about God. You wouldn’t have known it if you read The New York Times.)
Of course, there is this question: “What is your attitude toward the theory of evolution, and do you believe it should be taught in public schools?” The need for this question baffles me. We have double digit unemployment and the executive editor of The New York Times asks candidates about their “attitude” towards evolution? Really, this is an important question facing the nation? Good grief, you don’t have the executive editor of Christianity Today asking candidates if they are pre-millennial dispensationalists.
God knows this has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with the letters that follows the candidates’ names. If there is a “D” beside it, religion is a personal matter that should be between the candidate and his maker. If there is an “R” beside it, well, that’s another matter and we should do everything in our mainstream media power to make sure that people fear religion and religious people.
Keller begins his piece with this statement: “If a candidate for president said he believed that space aliens dwell among us, would that affect your willingness to vote for him?” Well, there was a candidate that said he saw a UFO and his name was Jimmy Carter. For the record, he did have a space alien in his administration -Zbigniew Brzezinski- but that’s another story.
You don’t have to be a liberal arts graduate to figure out where this is heading. A lot of the GOP candidates are, brace yourselves for this terrible news, Evangelical Christians, which, if you read The New York Times, is the force behind flying planes into buildings, shootings at army bases, and various attempts to blow up planes by using shoes and underwear. No, wait, it wasn’t The Southern Baptist Convention that flew the planes into the North and South towers, it was another religion that begins with an “I” and is a religion of peace.
The cause of Mr. Keller’s concern is Michele Bachmann, who is either an Evangelical Lutheran or a Baptist now. It really doesn’t matter to Keller. In the original publication of his article, Keller identified Rick Santorum as an Evangelical, when Santorum is a Roman Catholic. Every Republican is just one big religious boogey-man to Mr. Keller.
Keller says, “I learned that Michele Bachmann’s influences include spiritual and political mentors who preach the literal “inerrancy” of the Bible, who warn Christians to be suspicious of ideas that come from non-Christians, who believe homosexuality is an abomination”. You could remove the words “Michele Bachmann” and put in these words: “Harry Truman” or “Dwight Eisenhower” or “John Kennedy” or every President since because a major spiritual mentor of each one was Billy Graham. Billy Graham preached the literal inerrancy of the Bible, suspicion of non-Christian ideas and that homosexuality is a sin.
Mr. Keller is worried about “Dominionism” which is supposedly sweeping the nation despite the fact nobody has ever heard of it and nobody really knows what it means. At least Mr. Keller is honest to enough to admit that “(Neither) Bachmann nor Perry has, as far as I know, pledged allegiance to the Dominionists”. Whew, that was a close one.
Keller ends this piece with several questions that he thinks should be asked to the GOP contenders. (It is interesting to note that Mr. Keller apparently doesn’t seem interested in the religious beliefs of Democrats. There was a huge religious controversy in 2008 when Obama’s pastor, Jeremiah Wright, made, at the very least, controversial comments about God. You wouldn’t have known it if you read The New York Times.)
Of course, there is this question: “What is your attitude toward the theory of evolution, and do you believe it should be taught in public schools?” The need for this question baffles me. We have double digit unemployment and the executive editor of The New York Times asks candidates about their “attitude” towards evolution? Really, this is an important question facing the nation? Good grief, you don’t have the executive editor of Christianity Today asking candidates if they are pre-millennial dispensationalists.
God knows this has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with the letters that follows the candidates’ names. If there is a “D” beside it, religion is a personal matter that should be between the candidate and his maker. If there is an “R” beside it, well, that’s another matter and we should do everything in our mainstream media power to make sure that people fear religion and religious people.
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Problems With College Football
Well, sports fans, it is that time of year again: time to begin thinking about college football, our favorite professional sport.
During the summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about college football and have concluded that it has three major problems. They are: The fans, the players, and the coaches.
The latest college football horror story deals with the University of Miami (FL) – not Miami University (OH). In this story, a rich jock sniffing “booster” provided Miami players with extra benefits that are not included in The Pell Grant. The benefits included money (of course, for “pizza”), prostitutes, and abortions. The article in Yahoo Sports which has caused the NCAA to investigate Miami-again-makes no mention of extra money for things like text books, which if you have any college students in your family, you know can cost anywhere from $100.00 for a paperback of Animal Farm to $200,000.00 for a lab manual to Analytical Biological Accounting.
Here’s the first problem: the fans. A lot of college football fans are clinically insane, while some are just plain strange. Others are just weird. They are people who tattoo their bodies with likeness of dead coaches. They are people who weigh maybe a buck fifty going on for hours about blocking schemes. There is a small minority that believes if you lose a game to your biggest rival you have the right to kill a tree and brag about it on a sports radio talk show.If they were fans of Star Trek, we would point and laugh at them and hope that they would not mate. No, but when they are fans of a college football team, somehow we think that it is normal. Even, as in a lot of cases, the fan never took one class at the college he/she is so madly loves.
This leads us to our second problem in college football: the players.
Can we admit one thing? Most big time college football players have zero interest in actually “going” to college in the traditional sense (attending classes and trying to pass a course). Most big time college football players are just passing time so they can play in the NFL. The NCAA will never “reform” college football as long as they have this paradigm that the players are like Jack Armstrong, All American Boy from the 1930’s: taking a full load, working two jobs, and playing every Saturday.
Most college football players remind me of a line Steve Harvey used on a heckler in “The Kings of Comedy”. This person, “Boogie” told Harvey that he went to “computer school”. Harvey said, “Boogie, nothing about you says computer or school.” You look at some of the “student athletes” and they look like “athletes”, they just aren’t students and nothing about them says that they are.
The third problem in college football is the Head Coach, who as a general rule, put the ‘A’ in amoral. The only thing most of them are concerned about are wins. Maybe if his wife went into labor, he might shut down the film room to drop by the hospital to tell her that she needs to focus completely on the mission at hand. Asking a group like this monitor “rules” which if they follow might mean they might “lose” a game and would ultimately lead to losing the coaching position and the lease to a Ford F-150 is like asking Charlie Sheen to watch the liquor cabinet.
Oh, there are other problems with college football. Too many E.D. pill commercials (man and wife buy pills that apparently come with twin bathtubs that you can put in the back yard. “Look at Mr. and Mrs Manis, out in the back yard again. Must have gone to the drug store”.). Bowl games in December just to have a bowl game (“Welcome to the Kennesaw Bowl where Upper Sorta Middle Tennessee State College at 5-6 will play Lower West Louisiana A & M,who is 3-8 will face off at Cobb Energy Scott Jones Field Stadium..”). Lou Holtz trying to speak the English language (“Markfff, Ifff knowfff, youff,thankfff thafff I’m oldff butfff Ifff knowfff a thingfff or twofff aboutfff this gamefff…”).
Just for the record, there are good fans; there are good players; there are good coaches. It just looks like the problems are getting much worse.
During the summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about college football and have concluded that it has three major problems. They are: The fans, the players, and the coaches.
The latest college football horror story deals with the University of Miami (FL) – not Miami University (OH). In this story, a rich jock sniffing “booster” provided Miami players with extra benefits that are not included in The Pell Grant. The benefits included money (of course, for “pizza”), prostitutes, and abortions. The article in Yahoo Sports which has caused the NCAA to investigate Miami-again-makes no mention of extra money for things like text books, which if you have any college students in your family, you know can cost anywhere from $100.00 for a paperback of Animal Farm to $200,000.00 for a lab manual to Analytical Biological Accounting.
Here’s the first problem: the fans. A lot of college football fans are clinically insane, while some are just plain strange. Others are just weird. They are people who tattoo their bodies with likeness of dead coaches. They are people who weigh maybe a buck fifty going on for hours about blocking schemes. There is a small minority that believes if you lose a game to your biggest rival you have the right to kill a tree and brag about it on a sports radio talk show.If they were fans of Star Trek, we would point and laugh at them and hope that they would not mate. No, but when they are fans of a college football team, somehow we think that it is normal. Even, as in a lot of cases, the fan never took one class at the college he/she is so madly loves.
This leads us to our second problem in college football: the players.
Can we admit one thing? Most big time college football players have zero interest in actually “going” to college in the traditional sense (attending classes and trying to pass a course). Most big time college football players are just passing time so they can play in the NFL. The NCAA will never “reform” college football as long as they have this paradigm that the players are like Jack Armstrong, All American Boy from the 1930’s: taking a full load, working two jobs, and playing every Saturday.
Most college football players remind me of a line Steve Harvey used on a heckler in “The Kings of Comedy”. This person, “Boogie” told Harvey that he went to “computer school”. Harvey said, “Boogie, nothing about you says computer or school.” You look at some of the “student athletes” and they look like “athletes”, they just aren’t students and nothing about them says that they are.
The third problem in college football is the Head Coach, who as a general rule, put the ‘A’ in amoral. The only thing most of them are concerned about are wins. Maybe if his wife went into labor, he might shut down the film room to drop by the hospital to tell her that she needs to focus completely on the mission at hand. Asking a group like this monitor “rules” which if they follow might mean they might “lose” a game and would ultimately lead to losing the coaching position and the lease to a Ford F-150 is like asking Charlie Sheen to watch the liquor cabinet.
Oh, there are other problems with college football. Too many E.D. pill commercials (man and wife buy pills that apparently come with twin bathtubs that you can put in the back yard. “Look at Mr. and Mrs Manis, out in the back yard again. Must have gone to the drug store”.). Bowl games in December just to have a bowl game (“Welcome to the Kennesaw Bowl where Upper Sorta Middle Tennessee State College at 5-6 will play Lower West Louisiana A & M,who is 3-8 will face off at Cobb Energy Scott Jones Field Stadium..”). Lou Holtz trying to speak the English language (“Markfff, Ifff knowfff, youff,thankfff thafff I’m oldff butfff Ifff knowfff a thingfff or twofff aboutfff this gamefff…”).
Just for the record, there are good fans; there are good players; there are good coaches. It just looks like the problems are getting much worse.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
President Gerald R. Obama
As President Very Smart is treading water over the latest economic crisis caused by businessmen in private jets or the Tea Party or by the Republicans or by Republican Tea Party members flying in a private jet to meet with the executives of oil companies, he is beginning to look like an One Term President.
One Term Presidents are those Presidents that start out like such a good idea. Hey, George Herbert Walker Vanderbilt Carnegie Bush seemed like he would be a great President. He hung around Reagan, smiled a lot, and seemed to communicate in a language that was close to English. He ran against Michael Dukakis, who had one of the worst personalities in the history of politics. Reporter: “Mr. Dukakis, you are against the death penalty. Would you have the same opinion if your wife was gang raped and murdered?" Dukakis: “Sure. Why not?”
Then as time wore on, First President Bush began throwing up on the Japanese and look on with amazement at cash registrars. He lost his bid for re-election to Bill Clinton, who’s campaigned on the promise to “feel your pain and so much more”. Bush, who looked like a cinch for re-election about a year before the election, lost to a man whose campaign song was “I’m Your Boogie Man”.
President Obama’s situation is worse than First President Bush’s. He has little or no power of persuasion. His response to any crisis is to give a little lecture to those people that didn’t go to an Ivy League school. His stimulus package didn’t stimulate the economy. He did kill Osama Bin Laden, but there was only one Bin Laden to kill and there’s only so much bowing up you can do about that. He can’t run on his record.
So what will be Team Obama's (sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of Politico) strategy for the upcoming election? To understand, it, we must go back in time when another President was trying to win an election.
In 1976, President Gerald R. Ford was running for his party’s nomination despite the fact that he was boring as sin and nothing he tried worked either (Win Buttons; Nelson Rockefeller). His opponent for the nomination was Ronald Reagan and Ford was having a tough time.
In another effort to be brilliant, for the Michigan primary—his home state—Ford’s campaign came up with this idea to travel the state by train, giving speeches at “whistle stops”, kind of like Harry Truman.
So there was President Ford, at the Battle Creek, Michigan whistle stop giving his President Ford speech. In the middle of it, a heckler said, “You blew it”. Ford, not missing a beat said, “We blew it in the right direction”**.
That is President Obama’s 2012 theme in a nutshell. Bush 2 left the country so bad off that we needed a Treasury secretary that forgot to pay his taxes. Bush 2 gave so much money to rich people that the country is going super broke and we need to raise taxes on those rich people because it is their patriotic duty. We’re blowing it in the right direction: Higher taxes, lower expectations, and more green jobs.
Oh yeah, he is going to portray his opponent, no matter who it is, as some sort of whack job.
It might work. Ford barely beat Reagan and was over thirty point down in the polls when the Fall campaign season began. Ford beat the drum about what a weirdo Carter was (looks at women and thinks about what they look like in their underwear) and how the Ford administration blew the country in the right direction. Ford lost to Carter by two percentage points and might have won if he hadn’t liberated Poland.
So, it is no sure thing that Obama will lose. The Republicans might blow it.
**Ford’s actual quote: “We blew it in the right direction, young man, and those of you who don't agree--and if you would go out and look for a job, you would get one.” Not exactly the best retort, but I like that the President of the United States told a heckler to get a job.
One Term Presidents are those Presidents that start out like such a good idea. Hey, George Herbert Walker Vanderbilt Carnegie Bush seemed like he would be a great President. He hung around Reagan, smiled a lot, and seemed to communicate in a language that was close to English. He ran against Michael Dukakis, who had one of the worst personalities in the history of politics. Reporter: “Mr. Dukakis, you are against the death penalty. Would you have the same opinion if your wife was gang raped and murdered?" Dukakis: “Sure. Why not?”
Then as time wore on, First President Bush began throwing up on the Japanese and look on with amazement at cash registrars. He lost his bid for re-election to Bill Clinton, who’s campaigned on the promise to “feel your pain and so much more”. Bush, who looked like a cinch for re-election about a year before the election, lost to a man whose campaign song was “I’m Your Boogie Man”.
President Obama’s situation is worse than First President Bush’s. He has little or no power of persuasion. His response to any crisis is to give a little lecture to those people that didn’t go to an Ivy League school. His stimulus package didn’t stimulate the economy. He did kill Osama Bin Laden, but there was only one Bin Laden to kill and there’s only so much bowing up you can do about that. He can’t run on his record.
So what will be Team Obama's (sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of Politico) strategy for the upcoming election? To understand, it, we must go back in time when another President was trying to win an election.
In 1976, President Gerald R. Ford was running for his party’s nomination despite the fact that he was boring as sin and nothing he tried worked either (Win Buttons; Nelson Rockefeller). His opponent for the nomination was Ronald Reagan and Ford was having a tough time.
In another effort to be brilliant, for the Michigan primary—his home state—Ford’s campaign came up with this idea to travel the state by train, giving speeches at “whistle stops”, kind of like Harry Truman.
So there was President Ford, at the Battle Creek, Michigan whistle stop giving his President Ford speech. In the middle of it, a heckler said, “You blew it”. Ford, not missing a beat said, “We blew it in the right direction”**.
That is President Obama’s 2012 theme in a nutshell. Bush 2 left the country so bad off that we needed a Treasury secretary that forgot to pay his taxes. Bush 2 gave so much money to rich people that the country is going super broke and we need to raise taxes on those rich people because it is their patriotic duty. We’re blowing it in the right direction: Higher taxes, lower expectations, and more green jobs.
Oh yeah, he is going to portray his opponent, no matter who it is, as some sort of whack job.
It might work. Ford barely beat Reagan and was over thirty point down in the polls when the Fall campaign season began. Ford beat the drum about what a weirdo Carter was (looks at women and thinks about what they look like in their underwear) and how the Ford administration blew the country in the right direction. Ford lost to Carter by two percentage points and might have won if he hadn’t liberated Poland.
So, it is no sure thing that Obama will lose. The Republicans might blow it.
**Ford’s actual quote: “We blew it in the right direction, young man, and those of you who don't agree--and if you would go out and look for a job, you would get one.” Not exactly the best retort, but I like that the President of the United States told a heckler to get a job.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Real You At Last
I’ve been hold off commenting on “The Debt Crisis” because it changed minute by minute. One minute it looked like Boehner and the Republicans would prevail with their plan of pushing every old person off of a cliff. The next minute, it looked like Reid and the Democrats would win with their- Meg Ryan- in- “When Harry Met Sally”- glee of a possible new tax. “Oh, new…revenues..oh yes…yes, VALUE ADDED TAX! YES! YES! YES!”
In the end, it was all very complicated. In the middle was President Wonderful and his increasingly irrelevant Presidency. He came up with a brilliant culprit: businessman who ride in private jets.
If we could just get those rat finks to pay up, we could probably get that there health insurance for every ‘Merican and maybe a light rail, too.
It would have been okay to mention it every now and then, but it seemed like the President mentioned it in every sentence of the day because he was the only person who could analyze this and present the balanced approach. The balance approach featured, in my favorite phrase of the Obama Administration, “a tax increase on the wealthiest among us, the millionaires and billionaires.”
The problem was the President and his team consider “Millionaires and Billionaires” to be couples making $250k and over. They never explained why $250k is “wealthy” while $249K is not. That is because they pulled it out of their political rear ends.
In an attempt to prove to the country that he was doing something Presidential, (like for example: leading), the President gave one of the most bizarre Presidential speeches since President Carter’s “Malaise” speech. The President gave, for the umpteenth time, his assertion that his was the only balanced approach. He called for new revenues. The only problem was Senator Reid (who is as much to blame for the Obama Presidency as anybody) had already dropped any new revenues from his plan. That left Obama arguing for a plan that did not exist anywhere except in Obama Land.
We really shouldn’t blame Obama, bless his heart. He had a thin resume. There was nothing in his professional background that would even lend anyone to think that this is a guy who can bring opposing parties together. Obama is what he is: a garden variety liberal Democrat.
Peggy Noonan wrote, “He (Obama) revealed that his foes have given him too much mystique”. I’ll say. When has he last given a memorable speech? 2004? Were we just too tired of the tongue tied Bush to think that just because Obama could link a noun to a verb that he was Winston Churchill?
Noonan concludes by saying: “He is not a devil, an alien, a socialist. He is a loser. And this is America, where nobody loves a loser.” I’m not sure he is a loser. He sure is over-rated. He is like the trade for the speedy center fielder that doesn’t work out. He is the draft pick that is a bust in camp. He’s brings nothing to the table because he has nothing to bring. We’re seeing the real Obama at last, and it is not Presidential.
In the end, it was all very complicated. In the middle was President Wonderful and his increasingly irrelevant Presidency. He came up with a brilliant culprit: businessman who ride in private jets.
If we could just get those rat finks to pay up, we could probably get that there health insurance for every ‘Merican and maybe a light rail, too.
It would have been okay to mention it every now and then, but it seemed like the President mentioned it in every sentence of the day because he was the only person who could analyze this and present the balanced approach. The balance approach featured, in my favorite phrase of the Obama Administration, “a tax increase on the wealthiest among us, the millionaires and billionaires.”
The problem was the President and his team consider “Millionaires and Billionaires” to be couples making $250k and over. They never explained why $250k is “wealthy” while $249K is not. That is because they pulled it out of their political rear ends.
In an attempt to prove to the country that he was doing something Presidential, (like for example: leading), the President gave one of the most bizarre Presidential speeches since President Carter’s “Malaise” speech. The President gave, for the umpteenth time, his assertion that his was the only balanced approach. He called for new revenues. The only problem was Senator Reid (who is as much to blame for the Obama Presidency as anybody) had already dropped any new revenues from his plan. That left Obama arguing for a plan that did not exist anywhere except in Obama Land.
We really shouldn’t blame Obama, bless his heart. He had a thin resume. There was nothing in his professional background that would even lend anyone to think that this is a guy who can bring opposing parties together. Obama is what he is: a garden variety liberal Democrat.
Peggy Noonan wrote, “He (Obama) revealed that his foes have given him too much mystique”. I’ll say. When has he last given a memorable speech? 2004? Were we just too tired of the tongue tied Bush to think that just because Obama could link a noun to a verb that he was Winston Churchill?
Noonan concludes by saying: “He is not a devil, an alien, a socialist. He is a loser. And this is America, where nobody loves a loser.” I’m not sure he is a loser. He sure is over-rated. He is like the trade for the speedy center fielder that doesn’t work out. He is the draft pick that is a bust in camp. He’s brings nothing to the table because he has nothing to bring. We’re seeing the real Obama at last, and it is not Presidential.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Slobberpalooza '76 Redux
In the July 10, 2011 “Humor Me” I reported on a time in which I fell asleep in a history class in high school. A person calling himself “Wheeler Wildcat” posted this on Facebook claiming to have witnessed the event. I will be making parenthetical comments.
One day in high school, during the very last period of the day, I was in my history class. We had all been given topics to study and it was now time for each of us to give an oral presentation in front of the class. I had already given my report and now I was forced to sit there and listen to person after person drone on and on about topics that they hardly knew anything about. I was really just hoping for a meteor to strike the classroom or to suddenly be consumed by a particularly fast acting strain of flesh-eating bacteria – just anything to end my suffering and boredom. (He did not like book reports. Personally, I would rather listen to a book report than be suddenly consumed by a fast acting strain of flesh-eating bacteria. That’s just me.)
Sitting to my right was my friend Alan. We took a lot of history classes together in those days. My recollection is that we had just had our tennis class together the period before. Since this was in the springtime, we were still pretty hot and tired from the tennis class as we were sitting there being subjected to the endless stream of drivel.
We were breaking the monotony of the moment by discussing Alan’s latest song parody.(I find it amusing that my song parodies would be more interesting than American History.) At that time Alan was producing parodies of popular songs that were MUCH better than anything that “Weird” Al Yankovic (this is the only Wheeler graduate from the 70's that ever spelled "weird" correctly) ever produced later on – if only Alan had known that there was a way to make a living doing that! Two of his song parodies that I remember are “There Must Be 50 Men Running for President” (a parody of Paul Simon’s “There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”) and “Bad Barf” (a parody of Neil Sedaka and Elton John’s “Bad Blood”). Time has dimmed my memory of the complete lyrics but I do recall the chorus of “Bad Barf”:
Bad (BAD!) Barf (BARF!)
The steak is on the floor
And what’s more than that
It’s rolling out the door!
If Alan still remembers the complete lyrics, and since Neil and Sir Elton are still living, perhaps it is not too late to get them in the studio and FINALLY lay down that track. (I was really proud of “50 Men Running For President” because I have been able to use it in every election cycle since. I’m working on next year's: “Don’t have a fit, Mitt….)
I recall that someone had finished their report and that there were a few comments from the teacher. As the next speaker started her talk I focused on her for a few moments to see if she was going to say anything interesting. She said nothing of importance so I looked back over at Alan to continue our discussion of the lyrics. However, in the brief time since we had last spoken, Alan had fallen asleep.
“Fallen Asleep” really does not adequately describe Alan’s state at that moment – Alan was basically totally comatose. He was draped over his desk with his head laying on its right side so that his face was facing me. Alan wore glasses; the force of laying on them on his right side had forced the left side of the glasses up several inches from his left ear. Thankfully Alan was not snoring although his mouth was pretty much wide open, with his lower jaw resting on the surface of his desk. Alan was completely zonked out.
I was already planning the various ways I was going to tease Alan about this when I noticed something even more remarkable – Alan had already drooled a considerable amount of saliva out of his mouth and on to his desk. In the brief few moments since we had last talked Alan had managed to create a pool of saliva that was at least eight inches in diameter – and growing. When that much saliva is involved, an amount that is clearly of Biblical proportions, you cannot merely refer to it as spit; that quantity of saliva DEMANDS respect and so must be referred to by the Biblical name of “Spittle”. Thereafter this was referred to as “The Enormous Lake of Spittle”. (At least, I'm Biblical.)
I could not imagine that a human being could produce that much saliva in such a short period of time. Even if you locked me in a room with Pamela Anderson, Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara, and, of course, all the women of the Wheeler High Class of 1977, it would take me at least an hour to drool that much. (I will say this: considering it is 34 years down the road, the Class of ’77 could still make you drool.) Teenagers are well known for having overactive glands – it is just that, in Alan’s case, it was his salivary glands that were raging out of control. (Great, the story of my life: overactive salivary glands.)
I am certain that if Alan’s drooling abilities were to be made known to medical science he would soon be on the cover of every medical journal in existence. I am not sure what units they use to measure the volume of saliva but I think that, if Alan’s story were to become known, soon the standard unit of salivary output would be known as The Alan. Soon the tabloids would be filled with stories like the following:
“Wetumpka, Alabama resident Hawk Flemm has a basketball-sized tumor growing on one of his salivary glands and, as a result, is drooling a Quarter of an Alan PER DAY!!! His drooling is so intense that he has to wear an adult diaper wrapped around his head just to keep from drowning any toddlers and Yorkshire Terriers who happen to be nearby!!!”
I would also guess that there is no instrument that is designed for humans that has a large enough capacity to measure Alan’s drooling ability. Somewhere, there is probably some scientist who has a government grant worth billions of dollars a year who measures the salivary output of African Bull Elephants or Blue Whales; perhaps they could somehow gather up 10 or 12 of the Elephant and Whale Slobber Measuring Devices and have enough capacity to fully measure Alan. They might possibly have to keep emptying them out just to keep up.
Over the years Alan and I have discussed who the person was whose lecture caused him to zonk out. I have a crystal clear recollection of who was speaking when I noticed he was comatose; Alan’s recollection of who put him to sleep is different. I suppose it is possible that it took a while for Alan to complete his descent into his comatose state and that one person was speaking at the beginning of that descent and another was speaking when I first noticed. I am in possession of the names of both people but I will keep those names to myself for now. (I am willing to release the name: a skinny kid that said he was from Hawaii named Barack Obama.)
In the realm of saliva, I like to think of Alan as a mythical, Babe Ruth-like figure – he is “The Eminence of Expectoration”, he is “The Pharaoh of Phlegm”, he is the “The Maharajah of Mucus” - he is “The Sultan of Slobber”. (I like "The Maharajah of Mucus".)
One day in high school, during the very last period of the day, I was in my history class. We had all been given topics to study and it was now time for each of us to give an oral presentation in front of the class. I had already given my report and now I was forced to sit there and listen to person after person drone on and on about topics that they hardly knew anything about. I was really just hoping for a meteor to strike the classroom or to suddenly be consumed by a particularly fast acting strain of flesh-eating bacteria – just anything to end my suffering and boredom. (He did not like book reports. Personally, I would rather listen to a book report than be suddenly consumed by a fast acting strain of flesh-eating bacteria. That’s just me.)
Sitting to my right was my friend Alan. We took a lot of history classes together in those days. My recollection is that we had just had our tennis class together the period before. Since this was in the springtime, we were still pretty hot and tired from the tennis class as we were sitting there being subjected to the endless stream of drivel.
We were breaking the monotony of the moment by discussing Alan’s latest song parody.(I find it amusing that my song parodies would be more interesting than American History.) At that time Alan was producing parodies of popular songs that were MUCH better than anything that “Weird” Al Yankovic (this is the only Wheeler graduate from the 70's that ever spelled "weird" correctly) ever produced later on – if only Alan had known that there was a way to make a living doing that! Two of his song parodies that I remember are “There Must Be 50 Men Running for President” (a parody of Paul Simon’s “There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”) and “Bad Barf” (a parody of Neil Sedaka and Elton John’s “Bad Blood”). Time has dimmed my memory of the complete lyrics but I do recall the chorus of “Bad Barf”:
Bad (BAD!) Barf (BARF!)
The steak is on the floor
And what’s more than that
It’s rolling out the door!
If Alan still remembers the complete lyrics, and since Neil and Sir Elton are still living, perhaps it is not too late to get them in the studio and FINALLY lay down that track. (I was really proud of “50 Men Running For President” because I have been able to use it in every election cycle since. I’m working on next year's: “Don’t have a fit, Mitt….)
I recall that someone had finished their report and that there were a few comments from the teacher. As the next speaker started her talk I focused on her for a few moments to see if she was going to say anything interesting. She said nothing of importance so I looked back over at Alan to continue our discussion of the lyrics. However, in the brief time since we had last spoken, Alan had fallen asleep.
“Fallen Asleep” really does not adequately describe Alan’s state at that moment – Alan was basically totally comatose. He was draped over his desk with his head laying on its right side so that his face was facing me. Alan wore glasses; the force of laying on them on his right side had forced the left side of the glasses up several inches from his left ear. Thankfully Alan was not snoring although his mouth was pretty much wide open, with his lower jaw resting on the surface of his desk. Alan was completely zonked out.
I was already planning the various ways I was going to tease Alan about this when I noticed something even more remarkable – Alan had already drooled a considerable amount of saliva out of his mouth and on to his desk. In the brief few moments since we had last talked Alan had managed to create a pool of saliva that was at least eight inches in diameter – and growing. When that much saliva is involved, an amount that is clearly of Biblical proportions, you cannot merely refer to it as spit; that quantity of saliva DEMANDS respect and so must be referred to by the Biblical name of “Spittle”. Thereafter this was referred to as “The Enormous Lake of Spittle”. (At least, I'm Biblical.)
I could not imagine that a human being could produce that much saliva in such a short period of time. Even if you locked me in a room with Pamela Anderson, Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara, and, of course, all the women of the Wheeler High Class of 1977, it would take me at least an hour to drool that much. (I will say this: considering it is 34 years down the road, the Class of ’77 could still make you drool.) Teenagers are well known for having overactive glands – it is just that, in Alan’s case, it was his salivary glands that were raging out of control. (Great, the story of my life: overactive salivary glands.)
I am certain that if Alan’s drooling abilities were to be made known to medical science he would soon be on the cover of every medical journal in existence. I am not sure what units they use to measure the volume of saliva but I think that, if Alan’s story were to become known, soon the standard unit of salivary output would be known as The Alan. Soon the tabloids would be filled with stories like the following:
“Wetumpka, Alabama resident Hawk Flemm has a basketball-sized tumor growing on one of his salivary glands and, as a result, is drooling a Quarter of an Alan PER DAY!!! His drooling is so intense that he has to wear an adult diaper wrapped around his head just to keep from drowning any toddlers and Yorkshire Terriers who happen to be nearby!!!”
I would also guess that there is no instrument that is designed for humans that has a large enough capacity to measure Alan’s drooling ability. Somewhere, there is probably some scientist who has a government grant worth billions of dollars a year who measures the salivary output of African Bull Elephants or Blue Whales; perhaps they could somehow gather up 10 or 12 of the Elephant and Whale Slobber Measuring Devices and have enough capacity to fully measure Alan. They might possibly have to keep emptying them out just to keep up.
Over the years Alan and I have discussed who the person was whose lecture caused him to zonk out. I have a crystal clear recollection of who was speaking when I noticed he was comatose; Alan’s recollection of who put him to sleep is different. I suppose it is possible that it took a while for Alan to complete his descent into his comatose state and that one person was speaking at the beginning of that descent and another was speaking when I first noticed. I am in possession of the names of both people but I will keep those names to myself for now. (I am willing to release the name: a skinny kid that said he was from Hawaii named Barack Obama.)
In the realm of saliva, I like to think of Alan as a mythical, Babe Ruth-like figure – he is “The Eminence of Expectoration”, he is “The Pharaoh of Phlegm”, he is the “The Maharajah of Mucus” - he is “The Sultan of Slobber”. (I like "The Maharajah of Mucus".)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Eulogy
I was privileged to give the Eulogy at my mother-in-law's funeral. Please allow me to share it with you. I promise the funny stuff will come back next week.
It is a testimony of Mrs. Stanley’s character to have a son-in-law give her eulogy. I have never had any issues with her. In fact, I’ve known her since I was seven years old. She was a friend of my mother. Mom used to say, “I really like Mary”-just like everyone else because she was impossible to dislike. She treated me like I was one of her own. You could not have a better mother-in-law.
When Mr. Stanley asked me to “say a few words”, I jumped at the chance. How could I not talk about a subject I know so well? Additionally, with the exception of the “Grandson-in law”, I’m the only one in the family that has any public speaking experience since I teach the 9th grade Sunday School class at Roswell Street Baptist Church. I appreciate any opportunity to speak any place where I am not the oldest one in the room.
Mary Stanley was excellent with numbers. She probably could have been an accountant. She taught Lori how to make and keep a budget. Because of that, thankfully, we have lived comfortably within our means.
She was also very good with puzzles. Up until the end she was still helping Pogie (Lori’s dad) with the crossword puzzle in the Marietta Daily Journal. One of her favorite TV shows was “Wheel of Fortune” and I have never seen anyone solve a puzzle so quickly. There would be one “M” on the board and she would say: “America, The Beautiful” or the letter “B” would appear twice on the board and she would say: “Bless the beasts and the children” and she would be right!
While Mrs. Stanley was a person of great Christian faith, she was just a little bit superstitious. When Lori and I got married, the Stanleys gave us a couch that was a sleeper-sofa. During the move to our first apartment, a box of my baseball caps (I collect baseball caps) was put on the couch. Mary had a running duck fit when she saw this box marked “baseball caps” because hats on a bed bring “bad luck”. I told Lori that it really wasn’t a bed so “bad luck” should cut us some slack. However, I did work 17 years processing health insurance claims, so she may have been right.
Sometimes she would surprise you. For those of you that do not know, Wayne Clancy (Pop) and I became friends while his grandson (whose Dad was a neighbor of mine in Beverly Hills) and Ben played football together. We would sit and watch the practices and this led Pop to joining our church and soon he became friends with Lori’s parents.
One time, Lori’s parents had us and Pop over for an after church meal. As often the case with older people, the conversation began centering around what they did “in the old days”. Out of the blue, Mary said, “Wayne, Wayne. Did you ever smoke rabbit tobacco? Now that was a good smoke!”
For Mrs. Stanley, family was the most important thing. When I informed her that I was going to marry Lori, she told me: “Alan, never ever do anything that would come between Lori and her family”. I’m happy to say that I haven’t.
Incidentally, she loved our cat, Gracie. Gracie is your basic house cat that we got Ben when he was in First Grade and here he is a Junior in college and she is still with us. For some reason, Lori began giving Mary cards and presents from Gracie. Mary thought this was so funny and looked forward to her “Gracie” cards. (By the way, Brown children, a couple of Christmases ago, you got presents from Gracie. You know that was from us..right? Gracie does not have any income.) Last week was Mary’s final birthday and we took Gracie to see her along with a birthday card from Gracie.
The last year of Mrs.Stanley’s life was very difficult. First, Mr. Stanley was for time in the hospital in ICU. In October, she suffered stroke while pulling weeds, fell and broke a rib. This led to a hospitalization which foreshadowed the future because she became very confused. Afterward, she was so worried that she might have done something embarrassing or said some inappropriate. She hadn’t.
After this hospitalization, we had to explain to her that Lori has been diagnosed with an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma tumor and would need surgery. As Lori’s surgery approached, Mr.Stanley had to be place back into the hospital. All this time, Mrs. Stanley was in great physical pain due to various ailments. A few days after Lori’s last radiation treatment, Mrs. Stanley went into the hospital for the emergency surgery from which she would never recover.
Mary loved her friends. She loved all of the people at the East Marietta Christian Church, Lost Mountain Christian Church, and Roswell Street Baptist Church. She loved to “tell the old, old story of Jesus and his love”. Then the “some sweet day” she finally sang that “song of victory”.
Last night, after we left visitation, Lori commented that she couldn’t believe her mom was gone. We were all blessed to have Mrs. Stanley around as long was we did. 82 years is nothing to sneeze at. Even though she is gone, I can look at all of her children, grandchildren, and now, great grandchildren and see her qualities and attributes. It reminds me of a song that said: “I’ll see you in the skies above, in the tall grass, in the ones I love”. Mary Stanley left a legacy of kindness and faith. We would all be better to have people see that in us.
It is a testimony of Mrs. Stanley’s character to have a son-in-law give her eulogy. I have never had any issues with her. In fact, I’ve known her since I was seven years old. She was a friend of my mother. Mom used to say, “I really like Mary”-just like everyone else because she was impossible to dislike. She treated me like I was one of her own. You could not have a better mother-in-law.
When Mr. Stanley asked me to “say a few words”, I jumped at the chance. How could I not talk about a subject I know so well? Additionally, with the exception of the “Grandson-in law”, I’m the only one in the family that has any public speaking experience since I teach the 9th grade Sunday School class at Roswell Street Baptist Church. I appreciate any opportunity to speak any place where I am not the oldest one in the room.
Mary Stanley was excellent with numbers. She probably could have been an accountant. She taught Lori how to make and keep a budget. Because of that, thankfully, we have lived comfortably within our means.
She was also very good with puzzles. Up until the end she was still helping Pogie (Lori’s dad) with the crossword puzzle in the Marietta Daily Journal. One of her favorite TV shows was “Wheel of Fortune” and I have never seen anyone solve a puzzle so quickly. There would be one “M” on the board and she would say: “America, The Beautiful” or the letter “B” would appear twice on the board and she would say: “Bless the beasts and the children” and she would be right!
While Mrs. Stanley was a person of great Christian faith, she was just a little bit superstitious. When Lori and I got married, the Stanleys gave us a couch that was a sleeper-sofa. During the move to our first apartment, a box of my baseball caps (I collect baseball caps) was put on the couch. Mary had a running duck fit when she saw this box marked “baseball caps” because hats on a bed bring “bad luck”. I told Lori that it really wasn’t a bed so “bad luck” should cut us some slack. However, I did work 17 years processing health insurance claims, so she may have been right.
Sometimes she would surprise you. For those of you that do not know, Wayne Clancy (Pop) and I became friends while his grandson (whose Dad was a neighbor of mine in Beverly Hills) and Ben played football together. We would sit and watch the practices and this led Pop to joining our church and soon he became friends with Lori’s parents.
One time, Lori’s parents had us and Pop over for an after church meal. As often the case with older people, the conversation began centering around what they did “in the old days”. Out of the blue, Mary said, “Wayne, Wayne. Did you ever smoke rabbit tobacco? Now that was a good smoke!”
For Mrs. Stanley, family was the most important thing. When I informed her that I was going to marry Lori, she told me: “Alan, never ever do anything that would come between Lori and her family”. I’m happy to say that I haven’t.
Incidentally, she loved our cat, Gracie. Gracie is your basic house cat that we got Ben when he was in First Grade and here he is a Junior in college and she is still with us. For some reason, Lori began giving Mary cards and presents from Gracie. Mary thought this was so funny and looked forward to her “Gracie” cards. (By the way, Brown children, a couple of Christmases ago, you got presents from Gracie. You know that was from us..right? Gracie does not have any income.) Last week was Mary’s final birthday and we took Gracie to see her along with a birthday card from Gracie.
The last year of Mrs.Stanley’s life was very difficult. First, Mr. Stanley was for time in the hospital in ICU. In October, she suffered stroke while pulling weeds, fell and broke a rib. This led to a hospitalization which foreshadowed the future because she became very confused. Afterward, she was so worried that she might have done something embarrassing or said some inappropriate. She hadn’t.
After this hospitalization, we had to explain to her that Lori has been diagnosed with an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma tumor and would need surgery. As Lori’s surgery approached, Mr.Stanley had to be place back into the hospital. All this time, Mrs. Stanley was in great physical pain due to various ailments. A few days after Lori’s last radiation treatment, Mrs. Stanley went into the hospital for the emergency surgery from which she would never recover.
Mary loved her friends. She loved all of the people at the East Marietta Christian Church, Lost Mountain Christian Church, and Roswell Street Baptist Church. She loved to “tell the old, old story of Jesus and his love”. Then the “some sweet day” she finally sang that “song of victory”.
Last night, after we left visitation, Lori commented that she couldn’t believe her mom was gone. We were all blessed to have Mrs. Stanley around as long was we did. 82 years is nothing to sneeze at. Even though she is gone, I can look at all of her children, grandchildren, and now, great grandchildren and see her qualities and attributes. It reminds me of a song that said: “I’ll see you in the skies above, in the tall grass, in the ones I love”. Mary Stanley left a legacy of kindness and faith. We would all be better to have people see that in us.
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