When You Say Nothing At All

  "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."  James  3:6                                                                                                                      

When I was in high school, I had one talent:  I could make people laugh.

I'm not bragging. I think I have a good sense of humor. I have a pretty good wit.

But man, I had varsity timing.

I could say a line just at the right time and get a laugh out of my peers.  I could make an entire class laugh in the right circumstance with a well-timed zinger.  

It struck me all these years later, that there was this one classroom that I always killed in. It was like what comedians about a comedy club being their room.  This classroom was my room.

Second floor in the Wheeler High School "new building".  (We had two buildings back then. The original Wheeler building and an addition Cobb County had to build to house  the Yankee children moving in.)  It was the first room near the staircase and you could look out the window and see the football field.  I remember sitting in that room one time and hearing some upperclassman coeds singing "I'm on the top of the world, looking down creation and the only the explanation I can find is the love that I've found ever since you've been around".   Now those coeds are probably grandmothers.

It was in that room when my Latin I teacher gave me detention (for something I wasn't even doing, I swear), I said: "Oh, SNOT".  The whole class exploded in laughter.  I went in for detention the next morning and the teacher had forgotten she gave me detention.  A month later she passed away.

In a Social Studies class, we were doing this hip class projection in which we had to pretend we were on a desert island and we had to nominate two of our classmates as leaders and explain why.  I put down the names of two of the tallest boys in the class and my reason:  so they can pick the coconuts for us. The teacher read it out loud.   Again, big laugh.

My biggest laugh came in 9th grade.  Wheeler, due to the influx of newbies into  East Cobb, was on split sessions.  My school day started at 11:30, I think,  It ended at 5:00.

I was in that room for my sixth-period class.  It was a social studies class, being taught by a young teacher.  I'm sure this teacher could not have been more than twenty-four years old

On the last day of class, she was beaming through the entire lesson. Finally, someone asked her if that was an engagement ring. Yes!  If you have never been in the South when a girl shows off her engagement ring, you are missing a treat.

I turned to the guy sitting in the next desk over and said, "I wonder if she's a virgin".  I promise I had no nasty thoughts about this teacher, although I probably should have.  It just popped in my mind as something funny to say. The guy said, "Why don't you ask her?"   So I raised my hand and I did.

Biggest laugh of my life.

Fast forward ten years later.  I am a substitute school teacher at a high school in Cherokee County. Since I wasn't that much older than they were, I became sort of popular with the students. Well, as popular as a substitute teacher can be.

While taking roll, I heard a girl say, "Gross, that's gross, gross", I looked up and a kid had his hand raised.  He said, "Mr. Manis, do you know what  (clinical term for a sex act)  means?"

Like a dummy, I said, "Yeah".  He said, "What does it mean?"

I literally saw my life flash between my eyes.  I could see the headlines, "Cherokee County Substitute Teacher  Describes Sex Act To Students".  And then I saw another headline  "Cherokee County Substitute Gives The Wrong Description Of A Sex Act To Students-What A Dumb-Butt" because while I was 99.9 percent sure what I was thinking was what word meant, I wasn't a 100 percent sure. After all, I never actually heard that word before.  We called it something else.

Thankfully, the Lord provided a way out. I said, "That's something you need to talk to your parents about."

The incident taught me some lessons.  One is "what goes around comes around". That kid was just trying to be funny. So was I when I was in 9th grade.  Even though I got a huge laugh and believe it or not, I didn't get into trouble, I regret saying it.  It was cheap and while I didn't intend it to be mean, it was.

Another lesson is sometimes you just have to say as little as possible.  I've found most of the time, I never got into trouble for things I didn't say.

You might have heard about this Covid-19 crisis. It has been in all of the papers.

There's a new show out called "Task Force News Conference" and it stars President Trump.  You know what happens when President Trump gets together with the press. They call him out and he calls them back out and then they call him out again and then he calls them out again. Afterward, he goes on Twitter and calls them out and they Tweet back at him.

You just want to tell both sides to shut up.  Why waste valuable time during a crisis to ask about "Kung Flu"?  Why spend time on a snide remark about Mitt Romney?  Why ask the President how many deaths are acceptable? Why spend time chewing out a reporter?   It seems both sides are tearing themselves down, making themselves look bad. It is damaging the Presidency and it is damaging the Press.

Before I forget, I'm sorry (name redacted).  I was fourteen years old and the prefrontal cortex of my brain was not developed.  I'll do better next time.

The Epizootic Apocalypse

Wow, what a wild week.

But, first a quick contemporary history lesson.

I first learned of the Covid-19 virus ("Coronavirus") the day before we went to New York in January. I heard about it on "The Hugh Hewitt" radio show.  Hugh is a real smart guy and is from Northeast Ohio where the General Motors plants were that my office serviced back in my insurance days. That's not really relevant, but at least when he says "The "Mahoning Valley", I have some idea what he is talking about.

Hewitt and a guest were talking about a new virus that was tearing up China. Yes, I've gone from listening to Gary McKee's Birthday Monster to listening to China virus talk.

A couple of days later, my wife and I were walking through New York's Laguardia airport. I noticed a lot of people wearing surgical masks.

Fast forward to the past couple of weeks.  Covid-19 has practically shut down the United States.  It was like the United States was Georgia and someone on Channel 2 said there was snow in Carrollton.

Things got so bad President Trump had to give an Oval Office address to reassure the country that this wasn't going to be The Epizootic Apocalypse.

President Trump basically gives two different types of speeches.  One, it is like it is New Year's Eve at the Copacabana.  He's cracking jokes, riffing, and saying everything he does is "beautiful".  The second type is like he drank a bottle of Nyquil and he is about ready to slip into a coma.  The speech, because of the serious nature, had to be the second one. I don't think it could have been described as successful.

The next morning the NBA suspended the rest of its season. Soon the NCAA canceled their basketball tournament and all spring sports.  Major League Baseball then canceled spring training and postponed their opening day.

Tom Hanks announced that he has tested positive for the Coronavirus.

Wall Street was in a panic.

Here in Cobb County, the Cobb County School System (which taught me, so blame them) announced all of the kids will take online classes, which I'm sure will work out great for second graders.

Churches announced the services will be held "online", so we can watch it at home like the pagans do. 

As a student of history, I can tell you that America will always rise up and meet a crisis. We did it this time by buying toilet paper in bulk.

I'm not sure who sent the e-mail telling everybody to go and buy toilet paper.  I didn't get it.

We went to Publix, where shopping is a pleasure, this past Friday night.   No meat.  None. Bupkis.

Also, no bread, soup, anti-septic wipes, and of course, toilet paper. On the bright side, they had plenty of fiber cereals on sale.

Saturday morning, we went to The Geriatric Kroger. I call this Kroger that because it seems a lot of older people go there and I always seem to get stuck behind them.

No meat, fruit, or toilet paper, like Publix, but they had plenty of Little Debbies treats, so it wasn't that bad. If you are going to be self-quarantined, Little Debbie is a perfect companion.

I understand the seriousness of the virus. I'm just saying I lived through the Hong Kong Flu, I don't remember this type of response. In fact, I don't remember any event in my youth where we responded to any National Crisis by buying toilet paper.  (Walter Cronkite:  "Today, Americans responded to the death of President Kennedy by flocking in mass to the grocery store and buying all of the toilet paper in stock.  In related news, Sears says it will be mailing out its new catalog next week")

If I can quote something from the early 90s, everybody needs to take a chill pill.  In World War II, you know, "The Big One",  the British went to work and school when they were being bombed by Germany on a daily basis. They came up with signs that said: "Keep Calm And Carry On".

We should do the same thing. Eventually, things will get better. 

They always do.

President Biden, 12/8/41

  
If Joe Biden was President on December 8, 1941


 Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:


Hey! Yesterday, November Twenty-first, Nineteen Dickety Seven. No wait, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in, in, in, er, a very long time from now,  the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Finland.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Portugal, was still in conversation with the government and its mayor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Finger Lakes region.

Indeed, one hour after Polish air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the South African ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply literally stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it literally contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack. What a bunch of malarky.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Wales makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately and literally planned many days or even weeks ago or months or centuries ago. During the intervening time, the Canadian government has literally deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. Come on, man, that ain't right.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost, especially those in the Hawaiian LBTQRSTUV communities. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Odessa, Texas.

Yesterday, the Mexican government also launched an attack against Malaya.  I've been there. Used to go fishing.

Last night, the Brazillian forces attacked Hong Kong.  For your information, Hong Kong Phooey is listed as missing and unaccounted for.

Last night, French forces attacked Guam. Why I don't know?  Jimny Christmas.

Last night, Israeli forces attacked the Philippine Islands. I like the Philippines. I used to go there and threaten the government.

Last night, the Australian forces attacked Wake Island.  Let's face it, Wake is always the sad sister in the ACC behind Dookie, the Tar Heels, and the Dog Pack.

This morning, Antarctica attacked Midway Island.  Funny thing, Midway is Midway between nothing. Their national anthem is Neil Young's "Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere". I'm just joking Midway Island, God love ya.


Japan has (at this point, all the members of the House and Senate stand and applauds), yeah it was Japan than bombed us, whoa, anyway, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.  We say the Japanese are all full of beans and we mean business as soon as we hold some hearings and form a task group or something to see what needs to be done.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. Except shooting, bombing, and that sort of thing. But I'm no pushover, just ask "Corn Pop", this guy that hung out down by the swimming pool in Scranton acting all tough and stuff. Corn Pop was a bad dude. I did a couple of haymakers on him and he was gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday, gone like a soldier in the Civil War, bang, bang

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.  Because, well because, it was bad I tell ya. It was a big (Anglo-Saxon Word) deal.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory. Like the time I led Hickory High to the state basketball championship against the big city school. I had a triple-double.   I was unreal in that game.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again. But, then again, you don't want to be too defensive.

Hostilities exist. Man, it is bad. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, our interests and our women-our beautiful women with their soft supple shoulders and their marvelous smelling hair- are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us, um, so help us, G, oh you know the thing.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Sweden on Sunday, December 7th, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Danish empire. So, knock it off, Denmark.

President Sanders, 12/8/41

If Bernie Sanders was the President of The United States on December 8, 1941, this would be his address to Congress.


Yesterday, Dec. 7, 1941 - a date which saw many of us go to brunch and which saw the millionaires and billionaires counting their stacks of cash- the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan, which has been a marginalized people.

The United States was at "peace" with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still "rapping" with Japan about our issues, which frankly are all our fault.

Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to Secretary of State Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a formal reply to a recent American message. The Secretary of State told me the reply said: "whatever" and it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack or any stuff like that. But, I must express that I was impressed with the Empire of Japan and what they have done with their aerospace industry.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. Hey, Japan, let us know next time! I will apologize for all of our mistakes. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace but let's face it, we're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, unlike Denmark and Sweden.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. So the rest of the world can breathe easier now that we're not trying to force our out of date values on you.  Very many American lives have been lost, especially those in the Trans Community.  Also, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu, but that was reported on Fox News so take it for what its worth.

Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya. I'm not sure where that is.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.

This morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

As you can see, Japan has been a very busy bee.  But we cannot let that take our eye off of the important things like Medicare For All, The Green New Deal, and Free College tuition.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation. Frankly, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves for the racist and bigoted remarks directed towards the Empire of Japan

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that we should forget about the attack and remember our values.

Always remember that we deserved this.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people need to remember it was the billionaires which got us into this mess in the first place.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we need to cut the Empire of Japan some slack.

Hostilities exist. But, we can afford to lose Wake Island. I mean, how many of you have ever been to Wake Island?  I've been to Coney Island, ate a couple of corn dogs. Not my kind of place.

With confidence, I can say we will press on and fight for the important matters at hand like Climate Change. I mean, what's the use in fighting a war if the polar ice caps melt?

I ask that the Congress forget about this attack and would like to welcome Green Day to the podium for a couple of numbers.