What I would say if I gave a commencement address at a college graduation.
Let me be among those who congratulate you on finishing your studies and moving on from here to life.
Before I begin, let me first acknowledge the people who made this possible: your parents. Just in case you haven't heard, without them you wouldn't be here. Literally. All those years ago, there was magic in the air and they decided, as the scientists say, to get busy. Nine months later, you arrived. It was then they began to dream. It was the dream to have enough money to send you to college so you can get a good job and move out of the house.
Secondly, I want to acknowledge the American taxpayer. They threw in some dimes for your education, too.
There's a lot of clap back from your generation to mine about college education. My college education was indeed about five dollars a year for tuition. However, I graduated with college debt, which was significant for me because I graduated with a liberal arts degree, which was a mistake.
Because, believe it or not, there was not a lot of employers lining up to hire a history major from a small (at that time) college in Georgia. The nerve of some people.
Eventually, I was hired by a large insurance company to put my history degree to work. I drove a History Truck. It was alright, and I made a lot more money than those with a degree in English who were driving an English truck.
So it all worked out. When you get close to the end of the road like me, you'll be amazed how many times you will use that phrase: "So it all worked out."
I will give you some pointers to help make it work out.
First, when you get your job, SHOW UP.
I know you are not supposed to quote Woody Allen in this environment, but he said "Eighty percent of success is showing up."
In 2002, the large insurance company decided to lay me off. Don't worry; it's not a matter of IF you'll ever be laid off, it's a matter of WHEN.
I took a contract job at another smaller insurance company. One morning, my boss came up to me and said, "We would like to hire you full time because you show up."
As Hans and Franz said, "Hear me now and believe me later." While you are important to the people who love you, you are not important to your employers, no matter what their human resources website says. And if things get tight at the office due to losing business or the economy, they will tell you they can pick up another employee like you at the bus stop.
So show up and work and make it hard for them to get rid of you.
Secondly, accept the fact that things will change.
When I entered the workforce, cigarette smokers could smoke at their desks. Now, cigarette smokers have to smoke on the loading dock or in an isolated corner of the globe.
When I entered the workforce, men had to wear dress pants, a shirt, and a tie, at least to the office. Now, I work remotely, which means I can wear the same T-shirt five days a week.
You have to be open to change simply because your work computer will force you to change your passwords every thirty days.
Don't like a boss? Don't fret; you'll get a new one sooner or later. Don't like a co-worker? Despite what the company website says, you are not paid to be their friend or to be a member of their family. You are paid to act like you have some sense and treat everyone respectfully.
My last bit of advice is to have a sense of humor.
I don't know exactly when it happened, but many people's humor glands have just shut down. If they went to the emergency room, the doctor would say, "Three Stooges, STAT"
So laugh. Laugh at politicians. It is funny that the youngest candidate in this year's presidential election, which in the past has always been about the future, is seventy years old.
Laugh at popular culture. Our most popular musician is a young woman who writes songs about her old boyfriends and yet....she still gets new boyfriends.
Laugh at yourself. You are pretty funny in your own way.
So, let's get these diplomas handed out so we can go and get something to eat.
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