Biden-Trump 2: Electric Boogaloo

 

 

Whether we like it or not, the Presidential election is coming. It is the exciting Biden versus Trump Redux because the first time didn't give us a big enough headache.

This is the first repeat election since 1956. That was Eisenhower versus Stevenson. How anyone could look at Adlai Stevenson and think "Now that's a President!" is beyond me but we've had worst.

Eisenhower stomped Stevenson in 1952, giving the GOP the White House for the first time since 1932. The Democrats nominated Stevenson again in 1956 because they figured America would vote for a man whose head looked like an egg.  They were wrong.

The last time we've had two Presidents running against each other was 1892 with Harrison versus Cleveland. Cleveland won The White House in 1884. He lost it in 1888. Then he won it again in 1892.

Cleveland has a few things in common with Trump. He was from New York. He was a workaholic. He was a jelly belly. He had outkicked his coverage and was married to a much younger woman.  Other than that, not much else. I will add the economy at the time got worse in Cleveland 2.0.

Things will get nasty. Soon

There are many reasons for this.

One, Trump is a nasty person. That's the way he is wired.

You will hear from some Trumpsters that everybody likes Trump except for his "mean Tweets." Implying that you have to accept Trump's craziness if you want to buy a family bag of potato chips under six dollars. If you like the dog, you have to put up with its barking.

Two, Biden is nasty, too. Just in a different way.

Biden is the guy who said Mitt Romney wanted to put African Americans "back in chains."  Only Joe Biden would try to make Mitt Romney out to be another Lester Maddox.

Biden was supposed to be the grown-up in the room. He hasn't been.

Back in 2020, I wrote this: "It was nice to hear a Democrat say, 'Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end here and now....forgive me for being cynical, but I'll believe this dawning of the Age of Aquarius when I see it."

And it hasn't been an Age of Aquarius. While I agree the January 6th riot was awful, bad, and stupid, I'm not sure tying up your political opponent with weak court cases isn't awful, bad, and stupid, too.  

Three, everybody already has an opinion on both of them.

I remember hearing about Joe Biden when I was in the eighth grade. Trump has constantly been in the news since the eighties.

Nothing is new with these guys. Biden obviously has some sort of diminished capacity while Trump is just nuts, Andy.

There's going to be a debate in June between these two guys. Why?

Really. Why have a debate? Everyone knows what the two guys will say and what they stand for.

My working theory is that it gives the Democrats time for one last push to get Biden out of the race and put one of their fresher faces in the top spot if Biden shows up at the debate wearing a bathrobe and beanie with a propeller on his head.

If Vice President Harris were more popular, the Democrats would have already pushed Biden out. But she isn't, and they have to take a chance, which is now 50/50 at best, that Biden-Harris can defeat Trump.

If Biden is re-elected, Vice President Harris will become President Harris before the '26 mid-terms. Biden will be a lame duck as soon as he is re-elected, and I think the Democratic party leadership will walk up the hill, give Biden a gold watch, and ask him to resign due to his "health."

Trump will be an instant lame duck, too, if he is elected. He's not good at building coalitions, and the country will tire of his dog and pony show, again.

You may remember I coined an election law called "The Inez Rule," named after my sainted mother, Inez.  

I asked Mom who she would vote for President. She said, "I'm going to hold my nose and vote for Nixon."

Most people don't have to feel a tingle up their leg to vote for a Presidential candidate. They will vote for whoever comes closest to whatever political opinion they have no matter if he is a tubby New York narcissist or an old man who gets older by the minute.

They just want one that can act like they have some sense, which is a problem this year.

 

 

 

To The Class Of '24

 

 

What I would say if I gave a commencement address at a college graduation. 

 

Let me be among those who congratulate you on finishing your studies and moving on from here to life.

Before I begin, let me first acknowledge the people who made this possible: your parents. Just in case you haven't heard, without them you wouldn't be here. Literally. All those years ago, there was magic in the air and they decided, as the scientists say, to get busy. Nine months later, you arrived. It was then they began to dream. It was the dream to have enough money to send you to college so you can get a good job and move out of the house.

Secondly, I want to acknowledge the American taxpayer. They threw in some dimes for your education, too.

There's a lot of clap back from your generation to mine about college education. My college education was indeed about five dollars a year for tuition. However, I graduated with college debt, which was significant for me because I graduated with a liberal arts degree, which was a mistake.  

Because, believe it or not, there was not a lot of employers lining up to hire a history major from a small (at that time) college in Georgia. The nerve of some people.

Eventually, I was hired by a large insurance company to put my history degree to work. I drove a History Truck. It was alright, and I made a lot more money than those with a degree in English who were driving an English truck. 

So it all worked out. When you get close to the end of the road like me, you'll be amazed how many times you will use that phrase: "So it all worked out."

I will give you some pointers to help make it work out.

First, when you get your job, SHOW UP.

I know you are not supposed to quote Woody Allen in this environment, but he said "Eighty percent of success is showing up."

In 2002, the large insurance company decided to lay me off. Don't worry; it's not a matter of IF you'll ever be laid off, it's a matter of WHEN.

I took a contract job at another smaller insurance company. One morning, my boss came up to me and said, "We would like to hire you full time because you show up."

As Hans and Franz said, "Hear me now and believe me later." While you are important to the people who love you, you are not important to your employers, no matter what their human resources website says. And if things get tight at the office due to losing business or the economy, they will tell you they can pick up another employee like you at the bus stop.

So show up and work and make it hard for them to get rid of you.

Secondly, accept the fact that things will change.

When I entered the workforce, cigarette smokers could smoke at their desks. Now, cigarette smokers have to smoke on the loading dock or in an isolated corner of the globe.

When I entered the workforce, men had to wear dress pants, a shirt, and a tie, at least to the office. Now,  I work remotely, which means I can wear the same T-shirt five days a week. 

You have to be open to change simply because your work computer will force you to change your passwords every thirty days.

Don't like a boss? Don't fret; you'll get a new one sooner or later. Don't like a co-worker? Despite what the company website says, you are not paid to be their friend or to be a member of their family. You are paid to act like you have some sense and treat everyone respectfully. 

My last bit of advice is to have a sense of humor.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but many people's humor glands have just shut down. If they went to the emergency room, the doctor would say, "Three Stooges, STAT"

So laugh. Laugh at politicians. It is funny that the youngest candidate in this year's presidential election, which in the past has always been about the future, is seventy years old.

Laugh at popular culture. Our most popular musician is a young woman who writes songs about her old boyfriends and yet....she still gets new boyfriends. 

Laugh at yourself. You are pretty funny in your own way. 

So, let's get these diplomas handed out so we can go and get something to eat. 

 

Like It Or Lump It: A Man In Full

 

It is time for "Like It Or Lump It," where I review shows on the various streaming services (Netflix, Amazon, Disney Plus, Hulu, Peacock, and the one that says you are a couch potato) and tell you if they are any good.

Up this week: "A Man In Full" (Netflix)

"A Man In Full"  reminds me of the great Monty Python bit called "Australian Table Wines," in which Eric Idle reviews various wines from Australia. 

Specifically, "A Man In Full" reminds me of the sparkling wine "Perth Pink." Idle says "This is a bottle with a message and the message is “Beware!” This is not a wine for drinking. This is a wine for laying down and avoiding."

 Like Perth Pink, "A Man In Full" is a show with a message, and the message is "Beware". This show is so many levels of bad.  It is a show for laying down and avoiding.

Where do I start?

Easy. "A Man In Full" is based on a book by the great Tom Wolfe. Tom Wolfe wrote "The Right Stuff", which is probably one of the best books I've ever read. He also wrote "The Bonfire of The Vanities", which is almost as good as "The Right Stuff.

When I heard "A Man In Full" was set in Atlanta, I had to get it. While it wasn't as good as "The Right Stuff" and "Bonfire," it was still Tom Wolfe, which meant it was better than most of the stuff on the market.

Fast-forward from 1999 to 2024. That sound you heard was Tom Wolfe rolling over in his grave. This show, based on his book, is awful. 

There are reasons for its awfulness, and the reasons are legion.

First of all, the show is nothing like the book. Sure, the characters' names are the same, but that's about it. 

In the book, the protagonist, Charles Croker, is an Atlanta real estate tycoon who goes bankrupt and becomes an evangelist for Stoicism. (That's right, the ancient Greek philosophy.) In the streaming show, Croker is an Atlanta real estate tycoon who goes bankrupt and kills the twerp that bankrupts him.

This leads us to the biggest problem with "A Man In Full": The Biggest Star.

Jeff Daniels, a fine and talented actor, plays Charles Croker. He plays Charles Croker as a Southern-fried Donald Trump with the worst Southern accent you have ever heard since the original Shake-N-Bake commercial. 

Daniels seems to have based his accent on Buck Strickland, the owner of Strickland Propane of Arlen, Texas. If they ever make a live-action "King Of The Hill," Daniels is a shoo-in for the part of Buck Strickland. I kept waiting for him to say, "Aw, Hank."

The rest of the cast is okay. The pretty Diane Lane is Croker's first wife and her accent comes and goes. Ami Armeen plays Croker's superstar in-house counsel, Roger White. One of the few positively portrayed men in the movie, White does some legal hocus-pocus to save Croker's admin's husband from going to the Fulton County jail. However, he only does this after he listens to his wife.

This leads us to another reason for the awfulness of this show: the writing.  

This show was written by David Kelley, the television writer who created "Ally McBeal," "The Practice," "The Lincoln Lawyer," and "Boston Legal." 

All of the male characters are either total jerks, stupid, or a combination of the two. 

Kelley has a subplot with Roger White working with the mayor of Atlanta, played by William Jackson Harper (who was in "The Good Place"). Harper is good as the two-face weasel mayor. The only problem is that the mayor is running for re-election against a Trump-like white populist, which is rich considering Atlanta has had a mayor of color since I was in 10th grade.*

Kelley's Atlanta has no Varsity, Peachtree Street, Lenox Square, Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Publix Grocery stores, or Georgia State University.

In Kelley's Atlanta, people have to parallel park when they go to the grocery store and are booted and towed away when they are just a little bit over the line into the no-parking zone.

There is Buckhead because that's where Charlie and them live. There's also Georgia Tech because Charlie was once a big-time football player at Tech.

Charlie is in what bankers call "Super Duper Debt" because he owes the bank over a Trillion Dollars, and they have the nerve to want their money back.

Most of the series is about the bankers and Charlie cussing at each other about the debt. Charlie tries to figure out a way to pay off some of the debt, and this involves having some rich Yankee liberals watch horses mate. 

The bank has the gall to repossess Charlie's plane in front of the rich Yankees who thought equine husbandry was horse rape.**

The twerp banker begins to date Charlie's ex-wife. One thing leads to another, and the Twerp and ex-wife do the South Carolina lovey-dovey.

Charlie busts in on the lovin' and threatens the life of the Twerp. Now the Twerp has taken not one but two Viagra pills, and he opens his robe and shows he is a man in full, too.

Charlie begins to choke the Twerp, and since Charlie has arthritis (huh?), he can't let go of the Twerp's throat. The Twerp dies, and Charlie has a heart attack and dies too.

None of that happened in the book.

The stats on "A Man In Full"

Violence: A little.

Language: There is lots of cussing, and nobody goes to church except except one of those dancing and hollering churches where people jump the pews. Glory!

Sex: A little at the end after the Twerp takes two Viagra pills.

Nudity: Full frontal Twerp nudity. Diane Lane's rear end, maybe, because she is a pretty big star and she's getting up there in age so they could have used a stunt butt.

Verdict: Lump It, if you haven't guessed already.

*I'm turning 65 in August in case you want to save up and get me a birthday present. 

** I'm not sure how bringing these Yankees to watch Dad horse and Mom horse make a Baby horse was suppose to make the Yankees buy Charlie's companies. I'm also not sure how the Yankees thought baby horses were made.