President Liz?

Soon Humor Me will celebrate nine years of outstanding blogging.

In that time, we've gone through two Presidential election cycles.

Not to brag, but I correctly predicted Willard "Mitt" Romney would be the Republican candidate for President against President Obama.  I also correctly predicted Newt Gingrich and Haley Barbour would never become president.  I was a regular Jeane Dixon.

However, I also wrote, not once, but twice, that Donald Trump would never become President. The post in 2012 was written after a news report about a profanity-laced speech, which included the F-dash-dash-dash word.  I thought America would never elect such a boorish slob.

The next time I wrote Trump would never be President was after he announced his candidacy in the summer of 2015.  After the first Republican debate, Trump lit up his Twitter feed talking about a female reporter and somehow this lead to a deep national discussion about this woman and her Auntie Flo.

No way would The GOP  nominate such a goofy clown.  Wrong.

Well, even if The GOP did nominate him, there was no way he would defeat Hillary Clinton, who had been running for President since the Eisenhower administration.  Wrong.

I wonder if Jeane Dixon ever had days like this.

So, here we are heading into terrible, soul-crushing, another Presidential election cycle and here at Humor Me, Inc, we are ready to post profiles of the various candidates who will run to challenge President Trump.  Because of the results the last time around, I will NEVER say no candidate has a chance to win.

First up: Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts.

To be honest, I don't see anything half-way Presidential about Elizabeth Warren.  To me, she seems like a librarian ready to tell you to HUSH really loudly.

However, she was a Havard Law School professor. If there is anything Democrats love,  it is law professors.

She is a leader in the wing of the Democrat party called "The Progressives". Basically, Progressives think up new ways of  "progressing", usually by the means of name calling and moralizing movies. It is the new hip movement in The Democratic Party because somebody took a poll and discovered calling yourself a "liberal" just doesn't cut it anymore.

Progressives also believe money grows on trees and if you slightly disagree with them, you are the spawn of Satan because you are slowing progress, which is always defined by them.

She became a darling of some when she stood up to Mean Mitch McConnell and "persisted" in reading a letter from Coretta Scott King from thirty years previous which Republicans felt impugned the character of then-Senator Jeff Sessions who was nominated to be the Attorney General. Which it did and it violated Senate rules, but you know, it was a letter from Coretta Scott King.

One of the hilarious aspects of the public life of Elizabeth Warren is she listed herself as a minority for nine years in the American Association of Law Schools directory of law professors and Harvard identified her as a "woman of color".  Supposedly, she has Native American ancestory.

This is not out of the realm of possibility. She was born and raised in Oklahoma. However, she hasn't offered any proof of her ancestry other than that's what her mother said. Incredibly, she adds that she didn't know Harvard listed her as a "woman of color" (right) and she gained no career advantage (sure). She added that allegations she used this story as a way to game the system were hurtful and untrue (of course).

President Trump has treated this episode of Warren's life with his typical sensitivity by calling her "Pocahontas".

Which would be a good indication that she is not going to be treated with kid gloves in this race if she happens to win the nomination.  One of the problems I see with Warren is that she always looks aghast like she is some old maid school marm running down to shake her finger at you.

I just don't see how she can win over Trump voters. She's going to have to move to the right, somehow. I just don't see the Progressive wing of the party letting her do that.

On top of that, she is going to be running in a crowded field of other Progressives like Sen Bernie Sanders and Kamala Harris. It will probably split the primary vote for a more moderate candidate like Crazy Uncle Joe Biden to win the nomination.

However, Chris Matthews points out the new President is always different from the old President. Kennedy (young) was different Eisenhower (old), yadda, yadda.  Nobody is more different than President Trump than Elizabeth Warren.

I have been wrong before. Bigly.

Stuck In The Middle

Clowns to the left of me, jokers on the right. ~ Stealers Wheel

Is it just me or has everybody lost their cotton picking minds?


Maybe not. It just seems there is a lot of anger and rage out there and I'm not just talking about the Washington Nationals dugout, who had their annual somebody yells at somebody else event last week. (Baseball joke, sorry)

Everybody is flipping everyone else off. I haven't seen anything like this since the late 60's and early 70's when I was growing up. Back then, you had people called Yippies, who were sort of like Hippies except they were more likely to blow up a building for the cause of peace.

Let's start with our Democratic friends.

A few weeks ago, President Orange nominated Judge Brett Kavanaugh to replace the retiring Anthony Kennedy on The Supreme Court.

In my always humble opinion, picking Supreme Court justices seems like the one thing the President does very well. Kavanaugh is more than qualified to sit on the Supreme Court and there is no reason not to confirm him.

Yet the Democrats responded as if this was the Apocalypse.

This is not a new strategy for the Democrats.  They did it in 1987 when President Reagan nominated Robert Bork to the Supreme Court. Almost immediately, legal scholar Edward (Ted) Kennedy went to the Senate floor and said this:


"Robert Bork's America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, and schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists could be censored at the whim of the Government, and the doors of the Federal courts would be shut on the fingers of millions of citizens and men will drive Oldsmobiles off of a one-lane bridges and into a pond and will escape leaving young female acquaintances  to drown and never be prosecuted for it."**

Kennedy's salvo worked and Bork was prevented from sitting on The Supreme Court. A few years later, Clarence Thomas was nominated by first President Bush to the Court.  Instead of focusing on what qualifications Thomas might/might not have, Democrats brought forth somebody named Anita Hill who said Thoams said the words "pubic hair" in front of her and this constituted sexual harassment. Then the next year Democrats nominate for President, Bill Clinton: the Arkansas governor and I-Thelta-Thi fraternity member.


Democrats have a scorch earth policy when it comes to Republican court nominees.  The reason for this is Democrats apparently feel Roe vs Wade is sacrosanct. In 25 years, Democrats have gone from an abortion stance of  "safe, legal, and rare" to "Yay abortions-let's have more!"  

The President seems to have gone out of his way to do things that rile up the Democrats.  During the immigration issue a month ago, I noticed this:

1. The left was complaining that the "no tolerance" immigration policy separated parents from children.

2.  Then it was noted that the "no tolerance" immigration policy separated mothers from their infants.

3.  Then it was noted that the  "no tolerance" immigration policy "literally" had nursing babies separated from their mother's breasts and some of these moms were hot and male ICE agents were staring at the exposed bosoms.

I will say it wasn't The President's best moment. Even Southern Baptists were criticising the policy, although, I was never too sure how it differed from the policy of the Obama administration. All I know is I saw at least a billion Tweets about nursing babies being ripped off of their mother's breast (I never saw a picture or video of this) I was glad the President reversed course so nursing moms could still cross the border illegally.

Last week, the President met with Russian leader Vladimir Putin. The President acts like he doesn't know Putin was, in the past, the head of the KGB. (Of course, the President would respond, "I know he was the head of the GKB, BKG, or whatever. Believe me, I know").  For a guy who always acts so tough and engaged, he is remarkably passive when it comes to Putin.


So the President spent the rest of the week trying to explain his performance at a joint news conference with Putin. None of his explanations really made any sense. But, it was just a part of the daily drama of the Trump administration.

I have to give Rush Limbaugh credit. He did his best to make chicken salad out of the chicken feed of the joint news conference. By the end of the week, pro-Trump forces had created strategic memes to share on Facebook using the theme: Well, you know. Obama.

I'm just one of those people that's kind of worn out by the news.  I don't see Trump as an existential threat to anything except hairspray. But sometimes it seems like he doesn't do his homework and he's trying to bluff his way into a sell. It might be a part of The President's supposed 3-D chess strategy where he is out thinking everybody to fall into his trap, but I don't see it.

The Democrats see every freaking thing as THE WORST THING EVER. Does anybody really think Brett Kavanaugh is a threat to the United States?  Of course not. The Democrats like to show out because that's what they do best.

So our job is to applaud the President when he does something right, criticise him when he doesn't.

Guess what, he doesn't do everything wrong. If you told the average Democrat in 2014 that the Republican nominee was going to be pro-Gay Marriage, they would have thought their job of taking over the Republican party was complete.

He doesn't do everything right either. But I think you know that.

**This is an actual quote from Kennedy. Except the parts about Oldsmobiles driving off of bridges.

 

Our Little Trip To Somewhere In The Bahamas

I just realized I forgot to tell you about my vacation to The Bahamas.

Incidentally, you always refer to The Bahamas as THE Bahamas, kind of like The Ohio State University.  Nobody tells you that in school.

According to their website, "The Bahamas is comprised of 700 islands and over 2000 rocks and cays, sprinkled over 100000 square miles of ocean. The archipelago is an ecological oasis boasting the clearest water on the planet."  I would have to agree. The water in THE Bahamas puts the water in  Panama City Beach to shame.

First the story. 

Someone we know retired and built a house in THE Bahamas and invited us down. I would post pictures and tell you exactly where we were except our host requested that we didn't post anything on "social media".  Just to be on the safe side, I'm not posting it in this blog because I want to be invited back. 

However,  I can tell you it wasn't in Nassau, probably the most famous city in THE Bahamas and the inspiration to the song, "Funky Nassau".  This song told us:  "Nassau rock and Nassau roll, Nassau's got a whole lot of soul".   They don't write them like that anymore.

Getting to THE Bahamas is relatively easy from Atlanta.  We decided to fly to Orlando and catch a flight to THE Bahamas from there because a direct non-stop flight to our undisclosed location would cost, oh, about 4 million dollars. We took Southwest Airlines to Orlando because it was slightly cheaper.

If you have lived in Atlanta for any time at all, you are familiar with Clark Howard, probably the tightest of all tight-wads.  He has a radio show and he used to give out information on great deals Southwest had flying out of Birmingham.  "Drive to Birmingham and fly to Las Vegas for 12 bucks. You will stop in Kansas City, Portland, Maine, and Eugene, Oregon before reaching Las Vegas two weeks after you depart. But it's 12 BUCKS!" 

But now you don't have to drive to Birmingham. Southwest now flies out of Atlanta.  No assigned seating. I will say the flight attendants appear to be MUCH younger than the other airlines, like one that rhymes with the word "Belta". 

From Orlando, we caught what I would call a "puddle jumper" except I think puddle jumpers are bigger.   I'm sure I saw some mechanics tightening the rubber bands for the propellers (there were 2).

Well, we made it to THE Bahamas and our host picked us up from the airport. As we were driving away I noticed that we were DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD.   In THE Bahamas, the wrong side of the road is their right side of the road. Again, something they never tell you in school.

Our host's husband was very happy to see us. So happy that he made us about a couple gallons of Goombay Smash. 

What is Goombay Smash? It is a rum-based beverage that contains rum, pineapple juice, rum, brandy, rum, orange juice, and rum.  It seems like a relatively harmless beverage.  Wrong.

Goombay Smash could be used as anesthesia for dental surgery.  What makes it so dangerous is that it doesn't seem like an alcoholic beverage. It seems like something that would be served in a punch bowl at church.  It doesn't have that boozy smell and it goes down real easy.

I drank a glass. I didn't want to be rude to my hosts.  The next thing I knew I was typing "Hey who wants a t-shirt?" on Facebook.

Fortunately, I think I passed out before I did anything embarassing. At least I hope I did.  

The Bahamians seemed like nice and friendly people.  However, if you go to a restaurant, you must explain EXACTLY what you want.

If you ask for a glass of water, they will bring you a small plastic cup filled with tap water, which may/may not be warm. 

I ordered a Diet Coke for one of my meals.  I got a room temperature can of Coke with a small plastic cup filled with ice.   I should have said, "I want a Diet Coke already poured into a glass  (not a cup) that has ice in it."

This is my favorite menu item from a restaurant in THE Bahamas.

The HTHL Hot Dog is a jumbo wiener stuffed with cheddar and wrapped in bacon.  They felt the great need to tell you "This is delicious!" .   It looked so good Jimmy Buffett ought to write a song about it.  (I didn't get it. But my son did.)

I  got the Things IN-A-BAG.  At least I think I did. I was still in my Goombay Smash coma.

THE Bahamas is a great, relaxing place to go on vacation.  The water is the clearest on the planet. 

Sorry, Panama City Beach.

Cognitive Dissonance

 "cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values".

Last week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shocked the political world by being the world's first cute socialist.

Lord, I apologize. I know I'm not supposed to be noticing the looks of any young lady old enough to be my daughter. In fact, she is one year older than my 27 year old son. I want everybody to congratulate me on my restraint in NOT calling my son to point out that a person a year older than him will be sitting in Congress next year.

(To be fair, my son would point out that his scores in Call of Duty Black Ops 4 are way better than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.)

I was a little bit discombobulated by the fact that Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is so cute when she holds such goofy beliefs. Socialism has never worked and never will.  Of course, when you are cute, you can just about say or do anything.

So, I'm a little discomforted by a socialist being in The US  Congress and yet being so doggone young and cute.

There are other cognitive dissonances out there.

Liberals have been baying about "the children" a lot recently. One rule of politics: when someone starts talking about "the children" they are not talking about "the children". They are talking about the power they wished they had because they are talking about  "the children".  Meanwhile, they have no problem with late-term abortion.  Doesn't even bother them a bit.

I know what some of you are thinking. What about your goody two shoes Evangelicals and their support of President Orange?

True.  That is cognitive dissonance in the nth degree. Evangelicals know in their heart of hearts that Donald Trump is a couple of Corinthians short of a New Testament.  But they know that even though he is not quite deacon room ready, he will at least listen to them instead of trying to shame them.

The civility question. Everybody wants everybody else to be civil but they want to be able to yell at you. And it is no big deal that you get yelled at or asked to leave a restaurant, because, you know, your boss is like really gross.

Movies.  Have they stopped coming up with ideas for movies?  It seems like every movie is  from a comic book. Or it is about dinosaurs. I thought we answered the question: "Should dinosaurs and human co-exist?" years ago. (Answer to the question: No).  Yet, we line up and spend good money to see these awful movies which only encourages Hollywood to go back and more.

Food.  We know it is not good to eat four hundred pounds of beef at one sitting.  But we order it anyway and ask them to put a fried egg on top of it.

Probably the best way to deal with cognitive dissonance is to ignore it. That's what everybody else does.