Moo Better

 

I'm sure you've heard of Killer Bees. Just a few years ago, we learned of the existence of Murder Hornets (Hornets who will kill you and drive away in a white Bronco). However, there is now something more dangerous than Killer Bees and Murder Hornets combined

Cows.

Specifically, cows who will stomp all over you.

Recently, on my Firefox landing page, there was an article from the September 12, 2024, issue of The Guardian which reports that cows were responsible for 22 deaths for people living in England, Scotland, and Wales from March 2019 to March 2023.

It is always a tragedy when somebody kicks the bucket. But can you imagine standing at the Pearly Gates and discussing your demise?

"I ran into a burning house to save a child."

"I jumped in front of a bullet to save my wife."

"I got run over by a cow."

The Guardian states: "There is something particularly shocking about members of the public – most often walkers using public footpaths – being killed or severely injured in cow attacks, but farmers are also victims: cattle are the most common cause of accidental death in the UK agricultural industry."

I'm particularly shocked cows would attack people on public footpaths like a bunch of thugs. (Do they wear leather jackets? Wouldn't that make them feel weird?)

I'm also shocked that farmers are victims, seeing that they are around cows daily and would know what would make cows mad. (Staring at their teats is probably the number one reason. "Hey, eyes up here, Old McDonald") 

One victim of the swarms of killer cows in England, David Clarke, decided to do something about it. 

Instead of suing the owner of the cows, like he should have, he formed a group called Cows on Walkers Safety (COWS). Its purpose is to "raise awareness of the dangers posed by cattle."  I don't know if his group sells t-shirts, but I would like one.

According to The Guardian, the average cow in the United Kingdom weighs 620 kg, which is around 1366 pounds in real weight. It is not known what the average weight of an American cow is, but I would think it would be more due to all of the soft drinks and junk foods they consume.

 The cows that attacked Clarke ended up lacerating his liver.  That's a pretty severe cow attack. ("Cow Attack" would be a good name for a country-rock band.)

One lady, a farmer's daughter no less, was attacked by cows and suffered multiple broken ribs, a concussion, a smashed jaw, and dislodged teeth.  Another suffered “seven broken ribs, hoof marks on her chest and legs, a broken thumb, and life-changing severe internal injuries that required emergency surgery."  

Bessie means business.

Why do cows attack?

Some people blame dogs. Cows perceive dogs as a threat because dogs bark. This scares the cow, and the cow thinks, "Let's move quickly and stomp on this human being, at least giving it severe internal injuries that are life-changing."  

Other reasons include momma cows being protective of their baby cows, some cows were never disciplined at home and now they roam around smoking cigarettes, and, of course, Trump.  

You may be asking yourself: How do I keep myself safe from the packs of killer cows and also those super pigs that are invading from Canada? Fortunately, we have some answers.

 

• Be alert: keep an eye out for any signage warning of cows on your route. Stay calm if you notice any cows playing loud music and vaping.
• Give cattle space. They have a long day starting with something yanking at their teats in the morning. Then they hear about a friend who has become a hamburger.
• You are allowed to leave a footpath to walk around cows. You are also allowed to get in your car and drive home. None of this would have been possible if the Democrats had won the election last November. You would have been legally liable to go up to a cow and apologize for all of the Big Macs you have eaten
• Walk – don’t run – through fields with cows quickly and don't make eye contact or stop and try to make friends even if they are wearing Buc-ee's merchandise.
• If you are walking with a dog, tell it to shut up and quit barking. This always works.
• If cows run towards you, don’t try to punch them in the face like Mongo in "Blazing Saddles".
• Once you’re safely home, report problems with cattle to the local authority (Kayce Dutton). 
  

Cows simply have to moo do better.