First Draft

 

 

I have obtained a rough draft of President Again Trump's inaugural address on 1/20/25.

 

"Vice President JD, Vice President JD's hot wife, Little Speaker Johnson, Tall Senator Thune, Chief Justice Roberts who probably won't give me time to put my hand the Bible, justices of the United States Supreme Court including the ones I don't like, President Horndog Clinton and his awful, terrible wife, President Kid Bush, President Big Barry Obama, President Biden (if he's awake), Vice President Harris (ha, ha) and my fellow citizens:

I'm back, baby!

You thought you got rid of me, didn't you? Didn't you?

Well, you didn't.

And I'm back with something I didn't have before: A mandate!

Suck it, losers!

Anyway, the golden age of America begins right now. From this day forward, our country will flourish and be respected again by all of those dumb-dumb nations that despise us except when they need a little cash. We will be the envy of every nation just like I'm the envy of every fat 78-year-old man when they see my arm candy, First Lady Melania Trump.

Yeah, we ought to call her Dr. Melania Trump because she has a Ph.d in Hubba-Hubba. Remember, she's all mine President Clinton!

During every single day of the Trump administration, I will, very simply, make sure I'm on TV a lot. I will be interviewed by Hannity. I will have a press conference every 15 minutes even if I don't have anything to say. I'll just drop in the press briefing room, just to say howdy. I won't use buzzwords like 'circle back'. If I don't know the answer to something, which is unlikely, I will make it up.

Even though I'm in my late 70s, like somebody else up here, you will not have to worry that the President of The United States has wandered off somewhere in his pajamas like Uncle Junior did on The Sopranos.

I will issue an Executive Order to find out if Tony Soprano was whacked. The American people deserve to know!

America will soon be greater, stronger, and far more cooler than ever before.  Have you seen me dance?  How many 78-year-old men start a dance craze? I return to the presidency confident and optimistic that we can put "Y.M.C.A." back on the charts. A tide of change is sweeping the country.  Pretty soon, even Americans will be answering customer service calls.

But first, we must be honest about the challenges we face. We must admit that we have a truckload of goofy people trying to lead our country. We have to stop listening to them, no matter how awesome their bosoms are. We need to listen to the ugly people who had to study in their younger years because other kids wouldn't play with them.  They might have some good ideas.  

Our country can no longer deliver basic services in times of emergency because it is really hard to do.  It is also hard to do when the mayor of your city is in Ghana and not out fighting the fires—just a little beautiful editorial comment from your favorite president. 

My suggestion: if wild fires are threatening your community, you should have a lot of water around to put out the fire.  This is just a little of the common sense I'm bringing back to our country. 

Later today, I will sign some four thousand executive orders that will make America great.  I will rename the Gulf of Mexico "The Gulf of America" because we need to have our own gulf.  Let Mexico go out and get another gulf. Geez, do I have to think of everything?

I will sign an executive order stating we have only two genders and not the twelve hundred genders all the college kids think you should celebrate.

You no longer have to put your "preferred pronoun" in your email address. You can thank me later.

Yes, I'm still thinking about Greenland. Here's a fun fact about Greenland.  It is mainly ice. Isn't that wild?  And Iceland is mainly green. Crazy.  

I'm going to pardon the people who attacked the Capitol on January 6th, but remember, President Grandpa pardoned everybody in his family and Anthony Fauci, who honestly wasn't even on my radar. Still, it would have been a good idea to go after Big Dr. Tony because he made everybody wear a mask and stand ten yards apart.  But what are you going to do?

In conclusion, I will ask one question: Are y'all ready for this?  We're going to have a ball."