V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

The first word I ever learned how to spell was "vacation".  I'm not lying.

That's because my mother had a record by Connie Francis. She was a girl singer in the post-Elvis, Pre-Beatles era of rock and roll and one of her hit songs was "Vacation".

"V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N, we're going to have a ball", is what she sang, and I learned to spell "vacation" from that.   I also learned how to spell Mississippi from a song that spelled "Mississippi," and soon it was easy as pumpkin pie, except as a 63 year old, I still have to sing it.

This year, we took our first post-pandemic vacation.  We went to "The Redneck Riviera": Panama City Beach, Florida (PCB).

Panama City Beach is in the panhandle of Florida. It is about a six-hour drive from Atlanta. I think. We used the travel app WAZE, which is supposed to give you the best and quickest route to your destination. 

I don't know about that.  It took us through downtown Dothan, Alabama.  You know those quaint Southern towns with neat downtowns where everybody drinks coffee and apologizes for being a Southerner. Well,  Dothan does not have that. 

It also took us on a two-lane Alabama state highway that went through a couple of pastures and a chicken barn.  Somehow, and don't ask me how, we got stuck behind a student truck driver.  I think truck driving is a noble profession, and the Lord knows how many great country songs it has inspired.   However, when you get behind a student truck driver on a two-lane Alabama road, it will add some time to your trip. 

We made the Florida state line and looked forward to the free orange juice the State of Florida would give travelers at the Welcome Center.  Well, no free orange juice from the State of Florida, but the Welcome Center kept the bathrooms open.  

From there it was short drive to Panama City Beach.  My wife and I last went there in 2008. Things have changed.

The dinky Mom and Pop no-tell Motels are gone.  Some people have fond memories of these places like my wife. Her family went to Panama City Beach for vacations and stayed at these dumps places.  

My parents were not from Atlanta so we went to either Johnson City, Tennessee or Grenada, Mississippi for vacation. Neither one had a beach.

There is a lot of construction going on in Panama City.  Hurricane Michael hit in October of 2018 and did a lot of damage. But I'm happy to say Pineapple Willy's survived and it is going strong 

Front Beach Road is the main drag and it has construction, too. I'm not sure if it will be bigger and better, but I'm sure it was be finished by the next century.

There is a lot of traffic because there are a lot of people who want to come here aand swim in the ocean.

The problem was we had several double Red flag days.  Here are the meanings of the beach flags

Green:  Alan can enter the water.

Yellow: Alan can enter but he may end up in Destin if he doesn't pay attention

Red:  Alan will die if he enters the water.

Double Red:  Alan will die if he looks at the ocean.

So, in other words, the weather didn't cooperate with our plans. One day was a complete wash out. But that's okay because we went shopping at a large store that sold a lot of knick-knacks and t-shirts that had off-color sayings printed on them.

Shopping is a big thing at PCB because they tore down the old amusement park ("Tetanus City")  and built a shopping plaza called "Pier Park" which is "the Emerald Coast's premier shopping, dining and entertainment complex".  It has (hold on to your seat) a Target.  OMG! You can buy something at Target just like you do at home. 

Fortunately, we didn't go to Pier Park. We did go out to eat, which is another big thing at PCB.

Mini-Reviews of The Restaurants

Hooters.  We went to Hooters the first night because everybody and their momma was at Pineapple Willie's.  Aside from all of their, uh, you know. full bosomed young ladies taking your order and stuff, it was semi-wholesome.  I had a really good hamburger. The waitperson was Tiffany or Crystal and I'm sure she is going to Florida State to be a surgeon.

Pineapple Willy's:  Pineapple Willie's is at the end (or the beginning) of Thomas Drive and it just happens to be were all of the young people are at if they are not at Pier Park. I had chicken fingers and my son and his wife bought a t-shirt. The waitperson was Tyler or Taylor and he is in school majoring in muscles and getting tattoos on those muscles

Angelo's Steak Pit:  Angelo's is a good quality steak house in PCB.  I like Angelo's steaks better than Longhorn's.  The waitstaff no longer wears polyester. Our waitperson appeared to be divorced.

Sharkey's:  We ate on the patio and it was very windy. Good view of the ocean and my shrimp were incredible.  Our waitperson was Kara or Cara and had as many tats are Tyler/Taylor.  I'm pretty sure she has sung in a rock band somewhere in her life.

Another place I can't remember the name:  It was Mary Lou's  or something.  It was off the beach and seemed like a place locals hang out.  I had BBQ and it was very good.   I didn't catch my waitpersons name but she sounded like she knew Boris and Natasha.

All in all, we had a very pleasant vacation and we are planning next year's trip. Maybe the State of Florida will give us orange juice again.

Gerald R. Biden

 

History repeats itself. Sort of. Kind of.

Just for the record, not once in my studies as a history major did I have a professor say, "History repeats itself".  If so, I would have asked, "Is this going to be on the test?" They would have said yes, and the test would be two questions over something else entirely different.

But it does seem the past couple of years reminds me of another decade:  The 70s.

 

Civil unrest: Check

Uncontrolled inflation: Check

Leaders that when you look at them, you say, "Really?!": Check

Gas prices going through the roof: Check

A pandemic:  No, not unless you consider Disco a pandemic which I did.

So it is not a perfect analogy. But I think it is pretty close when it comes to our current Commander In Chief.

 

Brief historical recap.  The 70s started with President Richard "Milhous" Nixon as President.

He was a gifted, brilliant statesman that was distrusted because he could be a mean lying skunk.  He also was so paranoid that it seemed like he ate a plateful of those special brownies the hippies made.

 

But, as a poster said back then, "Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you".  For various reasons, the Democrats and the News Media were out to get Nixon. In true Nixon fashion, he did everything he could to help them out. 

While cruising to a landslide victory against George McGovern, Nixon ordered a break-in on The Democratic National Headquarters at The Watergate Hotel. He then ordered a cover-up.  If you think they make a big deal about things now, you have no idea how much a big deal Watergate was back then.  

In the middle of all this, a separate investigation found Vice President Agnew was accepting kickbacks and bribes. He resigned, and Nixon appointed House Minority Leader Gerald R. Ford to replace Agnew.

 

Soon Nixon resigned, and Ford became President.

At first, all was right with the world. Ford made his own breakfast! Then he pardoned Nixon.

Ford was seen in a new light.  He was no longer Ordinary Jerry and so dog-gone normal but instead just another politician who always made the wrong decision.

Inflation was terrible back then, so the brilliant people at The White House decided inflation could be beaten by wearing a " WIN " button for "Whip Inflation Now".  (In my best Morgan Freeman impression) inflation was not whipped.

South Vietnam fell and Americans were treated to pictures of people trying to crowd onto helicopters leaving Saigon. 

Meanwhile, back home, Ford tripped and fell, was in a car accident, had a gun whipped out on him by a member of The Manson Family, and was shot at by someone else. 

 

Of course, the news media and comedy shows took the position that Ford was a former NCAA Division One athlete and that everyone trips, has accidents, and other incidents.

Just kidding.  Ford's falls and mishaps became a punch line for America's comedy writers, and he practically made the career of Chevy Chase.  (Humor Me, 4/3/21:https://manisville.blogspot.com/2021/04/when-chevy-became-jerry.html)

America's pundits weighed in too.  The trips symbolized Ford's presidency and showed Ford to be the incarnation of The Peter Principal.

I thought about President Ford when I read the Twitter reaction to President Biden's slow-motion bike accident.

Those on my side of the river said it represents Biden's administration.  The other side said, "HE'S 79".  HE'S OUT RIDING A BICYCLE.  TRUMP JUST RUNS HIS MOUTH.

It really isn't a big deal. People have bike accidents every day.  However, you can't say this past year has given you any confidence that Biden can run the country any better than he rides a bicycle.

He thinks yelling is persuasion.  Inflation was "transitory."  There's a labor shortage. The supply chain issues include baby formula and my CPAP machine.

Gas prices going up which isn't a President's fault when there is a (D) beside the name but is when there is an (R) beside the name.  No big whoop, everybody just needs to go out and get an electric car.  Makes sense to me.

His handling of the pull out of Afghanistan?  It made the pull-out of Saigon look organized.

You're not terrible if you think the President's little boo-boo is the perfect analogy of his performance in office.

Some of us have long memories and remember the same arguments used about President Ford.

If you don't think these arguments apply to President Biden, Jerry's ghost would like a word with you.

 

Top Gun: Maverick. The Ten Cent Review

 

I haven't checked the reviews of the boffo megahit movie Top Gun Maverick, but I am willing to bet somebody wrote, "catch a ride to the Danger Zone and see Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick."

Mrs. Blog and I went to a local theater in Acworthsaw or Kenneworth (that area on Cobb Parkway that is sort of Kennesaw and sort of Acworth) to see Top Gun: Maverick mainly because all our friends said it was cool.

When we got to the theater, we saw there was a gang there:  Red Hat Ladies.

These are members of a global organization that changes women's lives every day by wearing red hats and walking around naked in public.

Just kidding about the naked part.  It is a "playgroup" for older women who have given all of their lives to the ungrateful group known as "their family" and now want to have some fun with other gals.  Men have something similar but it is called "a bar" where they go and "drink".

Because this is the modern age, we had to choose our seats before buying our tickets.  There were only two seats next to each other that were not in the front of the auditorium.  Believe me, you do not want to sit that close to the screen for this movie.

We found our seats thirty minutes before the movie was about to start. We were the only ones there. 

Soon, however, the Red Hat Ladies started strolling in to find their seats.  You can imagine fourteen elderly women trying to find their seats and hold on to their popcorn. Part of this play date was everyone telling everybody else they were sitting in the wrong seats. 

Soon after a series of commercials featuring people telling you to go to the doctor, the "previews" or "trailers" started. First, there was a preview of a movie about Thor, which for some reason, my wife liked, and a preview of a film about Elvis, which has Tom Hanks playing Col. Tom Parker.

Before the movie started, we were treated to an address by Tom Cruise, who thanked us for coming to the theater to see the movie.  Imagine  Hollywood thanking their customers for seeing a movie instead of going into lecture mode and telling them they are a bunch of redneck mouth breathers.  

One guy in front of me said, "Thanks, Tom Cruise".   The Red Hat Ladies blew Tom kisses.

In Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise reprises his role as "Actor People Like" in the sequel of a movie made in the mid-80s.  Ah yes, in the mid-'80s when people listened to Kenny Loggins records.  Today, he would have been named Lil KenLo, and "Danger Zone" would have featured a ten-minute rap about what he is wearing in the jet. 

If you remember the original Top Gun, you remember that Tom Cruise played a cocky Navy fighter pilot that liked to break the rules and cut footloose with an Amish civilian instructor.  In between, his flight antics were partly responsible for the death of Meg Ryan's husband, Goose. 

In Top Gun: Maverick, Maverick is still breaking all the rules and crashing airplanes. So, the Navy decides to send him to TOP GUN school so he can teach the newest generation of  douches Top Gun pilots

Things have changed in Fighter Town. The commander is Admiral Don Draper. He doesn't like Maverick because he is almost as good-looking.

You'll be happy to know the douches pilots are diverse and it even includes a guy wearing glasses. I didn't think guys with glasses could become pilots.

They still have their call signs. One is "Gender Equity". Another is "Binary". But the most interesting one is "Goose's Son" played by a guy that looks like Goose. OMG!

Maverick trains the pilots how to use The Force. Strike that, wrong sequel. He trains the pilots on this very difficult assignment that has no chance of success. 

In between, Maverick reignites a love affair with someone he met after the Amish civilian instructor (the actress had the nerve to grow older and fatter).  The new love is Jennifer Connelly, who is easy on the eyes.  When Tom and Jennifer started to get it on, several of the Red Hat ladies passed out from the vapors.

Top Gun: Maverick is a very enjoyable movie.  It won't win awards but it is a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

A word of warning:  Do not get a big soft drink before the movie or you'll be running with the Red Hat ladies to bathroom when it is over.