This Week's Picks: Week 1

Well, looky here.

It is time for the start of our favorite professional sport, college football.

Down here in Georgia (pronounced "Jawja"), we had a really unusual summer. The forecast of every day was 100 percent chance of rain with an 89 percent chance of air to ground lighting with a 60 percent chance of Gabriel's Trumpet blowing and calling all of  God's children home.  When it wasn't raining, the temperature was 100 degrees with a humidity level of 4 billion. If you walked to the mailbox, you were soon covered in sweat.  Other than that it was very pleasant

The big news in the offseason was Urban Meyer's troubles at THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY IN THE STATE OF OHIO.

One of his coaches engages in domestic violence, really nasty stuff. This coach has taken pictures of his, er, member in various places, like The White House.

Of course, Urban handled this with his typical grace and aplomb.

First, he lied in saying he had no knowledge of this coach's personal life. Then he denied knowing the coach. Then he denied that he was the head coach of THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY Buckeyes.

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY has suspended Meyer for three WHOLE games. How will he live with himself?

What is it with some major college football coaches?  They are disloyal to their players, schools, and fans (see Bobby Petrino) but weirdly loyal to their assistant coaches even when there is something seriously wrong (see Joe Paterno).

Oh well, I guess we don't have to worry about THE OHIO STATE playing in this year's playoffs.

This week's picks!


Dawgies vs Tee-tee:  Georiga missed out becoming the 2017 National Championship because Alabama's second-string quarterback was better than Alabama's first-string quarterback. Which could only happen to Georgia. Georgia is starting their season off with Austin Peay. Austin Peay is a university in Clarksville, Tennessee that is "large enough to offer you a broad range of educational and social options, but small enough to treat you as an individual".   Their cheer is "GO PEA!"  Get it?  Their most famous alumni is  Bob Harper, the trainer on The Biggest Loser.  UGA wins!

Bamy vs Loserville:  Give Alabama credit-they usually start the season with a high profile game. Despite the fact that he is a pretty lousy individual, Bobby Petrino usually has a very good team. It is just that Bama is bigger, stronger, and faster than everybody on earth. The biggest question in T-town is the quarterback position. Will Saban stick with Jalen Hurts, his senior quarterback or go with Tua Tagovailoa?  Sportswriters on the Bama beat hope it is Hurts simply because his last name is easier to spell. I wouldn't be surprised to see Saban start Hurts and then yank him at the first sign of trouble to get Hurts back for the chippy remarks in training camp.  Bama wins!

Bees vs Corny State: Tech begins another year being Tech. Which means we really don't know if they are going to be good or not.  It appears the ACC has figured out the Triple Option. Last year, the Tech defense rose to the level of mediocrity. They have five games in September. They should at least win two. The Alcorn State game will be one of them.  Tech wins!

Meechigan vs Our Lady:  Michigan and Notre Dame. Two of the most iconic names in college football. Fans galore. But something always happens on the way to January.  Jim Harbaugh has been, well, underwhelming to say the least. Notre Dame is ranked higher than Michigan right now.  I'm going with Notre Dame just to see what it feels like to say that.   Notre Dame wins!


My Beloved Owls vs The Georgia State University:  Kennesaw State went deep into the FCS playoffs last year.  Georiga State went to its first bowl game last season.  I'm even seeing trash talk on Twitter. Wow, things have changed. I would love to see Kennesaw State win, but I've never seen them in a game with a team from a higher conference.  Georgia State wins

More Questions For Bernie

Did you happen to see The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the other night?

I didn't either. I jumped off the Colbert train a long time ago. He's funny in spurts. Unfortunately, it is an hour show. He has neither Fallon's boyish charm, Letterman's wit, or Carson's presence. He is just, how would the French say, just meh?

Colbert started going up in the ratings when La Resistance discovered he would tell crude jokes about President Orange.  Since then, Colbert has been all TRUMP SUCKS ALL THE TIME and it gets old.

Speaking of old, Bernie Sanders showed up and lo and behold Colbert had some "tough" questions for him. Tough being a relative term. Compare it to Letterman's grilling of Trump a few years ago (Trump complains about the lack of manufacture jobs in America and Letterman hands him one of the Trump ties sold at Macy's and asks where it was made) and it is pretty vanilla. But in today's climate you got to take what you can get.

Sanders is "officially" an Independent who caucuses with the Democrats but identifies himself as a "Democratic Socialist", which makes him the perfect candidate for The Woke Generation.

Colbert asked what it means to be a Democratic Socialist.  Sanders replied:
  

 " Well, I think it means, among other things, that if you work 40 hours a week in the wealthiest country in the history of the world, you should be earning a living wage, 15 bucks an hour. It means that we end the international disgrace of the United States being the only major country on Earth not to guarantee health care to all people as a right while we end up spending twice as much per capita on health care as any other major nation. It means that we understand that the future of this country are our young people, and that it is insane that hundreds of thousands of bright young kids cannot afford to go to college because of the income of their families, and many others are leaving school deeply in debt, and we’re going to make public colleges and universities tuition free. And it means that its global citizens, people understand we have a moral obligation to leave a healthy planet to our children and grandchildren. We’re gonna stand up to Trump, and we’re going to transform our energy system in this country away from fossil fuel to energy efficiency, and sustainable energys*. That’s what it means.”

Of course, Colbert did not ask any follow up questions. For example: Why stop at $15 bucks an hour?  You just earn a "living wage" whatever that is. Why not ask for $20 dollars an hour for a "comfortable wage"?  Are you afraid of people being comfortable?

What is the international disgrace: being the only major country without guaranteed health care as a right or the spending twice as much per capita on health care as any other nation?  Explain how guaranteeing it as a right would control the costs. You can use the term "panels" to decide what controls to use to control the cost.

Median family income has increased by 22% from the years 1970 to 2010. The tuition at public colleges rose by over 200%.  Do you find it odd that the cost rose in conjunction with federal government involvement with "student loans"?  Or is just more expensive to create the next generation of socialists?

You said "We (is there a mouse in your pocket, Senator?) are gonna stand up to Trump and transform our energy system from fossil fuel to energy efficiency and sustaniable energies"  What does that mean?  Solar? Wind? An engine fueled by water?  How long will this take and how much will it cost?

Sanders pointed out to Colbert that their ideas "almost without exception" are mainstream ideas supported by a vast majority of the American people.  Sanders didn't offer a poll or a study to back up his assertions that a vast majority of American people want what he happens to offer. He just throws it out there like it is as plain as the nose on your face. Who wouldn't want free healthcare, free college, and really cheap energy?  Except, when you get down to the nitty-gritty, people may want a little more information.  They may like the idea of "free college" for themselves but not for everybody else, especially when they see the price tag.

I would also like Sanders to answer some questions about dissent.

Everybody is in favor of dissent when they are out of power. As President, what would you do to insure Ben Shapiro can give a speech at a college without needing police protection?  Do you see any difference between Shapiro and Richard Spencer?

Those are just some questions I think Sanders should answer. After all, he may just luck out and win.

It has happened before.

*This was the spelling of the plural of energy in the transcript.  Don't blame me.

What I've Learned

It is that time of year again!  Time for Alanfest!

What is Alanfest?  Alanfest is the celebration of my birthday, which is August 9th. That makes me a Leo.  I have absolutely no personality "traits" a "Leo" is supposed to have, but that's astrology for you.  Family size, genetics, socio-economic conditions, etc have no effect on your personality. Your personality is determined by the stars based on the day you were born. Or something like that.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Alanfest.

Before you run to Twitter and start commenting how stupid it is for people to be celebrating their birthdays for weeks, you need to know I've been having Alanfest for over twenty-seven years, so I've been stupid for a long time.

I started Alanfest when I worked at the insurance company Snoopy Life ("We Dog You Out" was our motto).  August was a slow time back then and I thought what better way to liven things up than by having people bring food to the office.  I was always in favor of people bringing food to the office. In my work experience, you could bring a loaf of moldy white bread and put it on a table in the break room at 9:00 and by 9:10 you would see people walking around the office eating the bread.

This is going to be my 59th birthday, one more year until I really become OLD.

I still feel kind of young. I still have all of my teeth and my hair. My hair is still basically the same color it has always been, with a touch of gray here and there.  I still like to drink Frozen Cokes. I have a jug of chocolate milk in the refrigerator. It is the whole chocolate milk and not that low-fat kind. I know; I'm living on the edge.


However, this year, I have felt the rap of the fist of Father Time.

For most of the year, I've been dealing with something called Plantar Fasciitis. This causes my heel and ankle to hurt. I guess this is what I have because I have been using something called The Internet to self-diagnose. It is cheaper than going to the doctor.

I've been trying to treat it myself and it is better. Plantar Fasciitis has caused me to walk around like Walter Brennan. I've learned a lot of people have forgotten about Walter Brennan and my hobbling around saying "Dang nab-bit, Luke" doesn't help.

Here are some other things I've learned in 59 years.

• Everybody is beautiful, in their own way, as Ray Stevens sang
• Millennials have never heard of Ray Stevens, but he was a really funny songwriter. Also, they would freak out over "Ahab The Arab".
• Everybody, however, is weird, in their own way too
• Life is not fair
• Whoever told you it is was lying to you.
• People who are obsessed with height, looks, race, money, etc, take all of the joy out of everything.
• Dogs, no matter what anybody says, would probably come forward at the hymn of invitation in most Baptist churches and give their right paw in Christian fellowship.
• Cats, on the other hand, are mostly agnostic, except for my cat Gracie who is probably an Episcopalian. Don't ask me how I know this.
• Pluto was once a planet. Now it is not.  But, Uranus is still a planet. I don't remember having a vote on this.
• When Elvis, The Beatles, Dylan, The Rolling Stones, Eagles, Elton John, et.al were really great, they were really great. 
• Men will lie about the pain they experienced from vasectomies. To a man, they will always say, "I just put some ice on it."  Then you talk to their wives and find out they went on disability for six months.
• Speaking of which, science has really stepped up its game when it comes to male performance issues. Speaking as a man WHO HAS NO PROBLEM, it is good to know there is something out there for my brothers that do.
• You can find out a lot about people by how they treat a waitress.
• Big time college football coaches care about one thing: winning. We always seem so surprised when we learn this.
• Everybody judges. Don't act like you don't.
• When somebody says someone else is being divisive they mean, the other person should just shut up and not disagree with them.
• When somebody says they want a dialogue, they don't. They want a monologue and guess who is talking. (Hint: it is not you.)
• I give people three marriages before I judge them. One for getting married too young. Two, for getting married off the rebound. Three, for finally marrying the right person. After that, I think we've found the person causing the problem.
• Never trust a red-headed woman who wears black underwear. Don't ask me how I know this.