The New Rules

I don't remember who said it on Twitter but somebody said when they see a celebrity trending it means either they are dead or are accused of sexual harassment.

The accused are Democrats, Republicans, comedians, movie moguls, journalists, etc, just about every other carbon-based life form with  xy chromosomes.

The (mostly) proven accusations range in various levels of seriousness.

The Handsy Old Man: President George H.W. Bush.

The Gals Know I'm Joking:  Sen Al Franken

The Sure, Dude, Some Hot 20-something Year Old Wants to See You Naked and Hear The Great Question You Have for Thomas Friedman:  Charlie Rose.

The Sure I'll Ruin My Presidential Legacy: President Clinton.

The "Ick":  Louis CK

The "Quid Pro Quo Ick":  Harvey Weinstein

The "Criminal Ick":  Judge Roy Moore

The stories have spawned the #metoo movement in which women document the piggish behavior of men in the workplace.

I was in the work force when the first really big sexual harassment story hit. The Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill saga which included discussions of Coke cans and someone named, in Senate testimony, Long Dong Silver. Go back and read what Justice Thomas was accused of- it was very mild especially when compared to Harvey Weinstein.

This led to the new industry of consultants who sell videos to companies explaining their sexual harassment policies.

The problem is the policies are often vague and if there's one thing we know about men is that they need specific instructions.  You cannot say to a man, "go to the store and buy milk" thinking he will automatically know what brand to buy just because it has been magically appearing in the refrigerator for five years. No, you have to say, "Get the milk that has the picture of a cow wearing an apron" or he'll come back with almond milk or maybe a six-pack of Sprite.

I've decided to help my fellow man. Too many of us are being consumed by our combination of narcissism and plain stupidity. It is ruining too many lives.

Gentlemen, here are the rules.

1) No walking naked in front of a woman. They find this objectionable.

2) Do not touch a woman. Anywhere on her body. Don't even think about touching a woman.

3)  If you must touch a woman (example: she is drowning and you must pull her out of the water) use a ten foot pole. Only touch the hand.

4)  Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell one woman in the office she looks nice unless you are willing to tell every woman in the office she looks nice, including the one that wears the Wal-Mart track suit to work.

5)  You may comment on her hair, but only in general terms. For example: "Wow, I noticed you have hair and it looks different from when I saw it yesterday."  Avoid phrases like "You look like a porn star.  Also avoid phrases like "My Grandma has the same hairstyle".

6)  If you are a District Attorney and you have to ask somebody's mother for permission to go out, you need to seek professional help ASAP.

7)  News Flash:  A lot of women swear like sailors.  That doesn't mean you can.

8)  In the words of my old man: Act like you have some sense.

9)  There are women out there who use their womanly wiles to get ahead. These women will use you like you use them. However, the tables are turned and people are more likely to believe them than you when you say it was consensual and she says it was harassment.

10)  Look at Vice President Pence. Copy.

This Week's Picks

"fa·nat·ic:  a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause."


I don't think people really understand what a fanatic is until they meet an Alabama football fan.

Da Bears?  You are nothing.

The Cubs?  Pfft.

Red Sox?  Please.

The fans of the University of Alabama are simply at another level of fandom. They eat, sleep and breath Alabama football, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks out of the year.

Unless you have experienced it, you have no idea.

It is not enough for a Bama fan to have a t-shirt. He must have a Bama hat, Bama shoes, Bama socks and Bama underwear.  Their trucks must be maroon with Bama plastered all over it, just in case you might not know they are a Bama fan.

On Christmas Day, at a Bama fan's house.  Kid: "Deddy, do you think Coach Saban is opening his presents?"  Dad:  "Naw, he's too busy watching game film to open a present!"

No joke, one time, in March of this particular year, an Alabama fan demonstrated to me a new blocking scheme Saban introduced to the team. I have a hard time thinking about college football in March, in general, and particularly about blocking schemes since I am: a) not a lineman for the University of Alabama and b) in my 50's. I couldn't have cared less. I didn't even feign interest. I didn't even pretend to listen. I did everything except take out my phone and check Facebook to show my disinterest. Didn't work.

I know they have won a billion championships. It is impressive.

Here's your average conversation with a Bama fan..

"Yeah, you liddle skools like Tennusee, Ahia State, and Jawja have your four to five star recruits. We have five star recruits that hand out towels. That's how good we are. Our front line is a bunch of seven hundred star recruits. 

When Saban gets 'em, he coaches them up. Then when they go to the dorm to sleep, the ghost of Bear Bryant coaches them some more. They get two of the best coaches, and may I say, best human beans ever to walk on the face of the earth to coach 'em. Livin' Saban. Ghost Bear Bryant.  I don't know why anybody wants to play us."

This week's picks!


Dang Dawgs vs Kenyucky:   That crash you heard last week was UGA coming back down to earth after a pretty great season so far.  UGA made one big mistake in the game. They showed up.  Auburn totally dominated the game-they did everything right and UGA did everything wrong.  Everybody has a game like that. UGA plays Kentucky this week. Generally, that is good news.  However, Kentucky is 7-3 this year, so they are not the pushover.  UGA should win this game. They will. Dawgs win



Buzzy vs Dook:  Meanwhile, all of the nerds of Georgia rejoiced at Georgia Tech actually coming back and beating Virginia Tech.  This week, the Bees take on Duke. Duke is having a Duke-like year. Tech wins

Meecheegan  vs Wesconsen:  One of the side effects of UGA's loss to Auburn is that it brought Wisconsin back in to the FBS Playoff  picture because  WE NEED TO HAVE SOMEBODY FROM THE MIDWEST IF NOTRE DAME IS NOT IN IT. (This joke works really well if you imagine somebody from ESPN running around in circles screaming it.).  Wisconsin is the last great hope of The Big Ten to make the playoff.  Wisconsin wins.

 


Non Texas Aggies vs  Let's Talk Dirty in Hawaiian:  Not a lot of people know this, but This Week's Picks does requests. This request came from Sin City itself, Las Vegas, Nevada. This reader requested the Utah State Aggies versus Hawaii  to be reviewed. Since I know ZERO about either team, I went to the INTERNETS and discovered the motto of The University of Hawaii is "Ohka noka whatta setta knocka-rocka-sis-boom-boccas". Hawaii has won three games. Utah State has won Five.  For that reason, I'm picking Utah State to win. Plus, the reader sent me a Utah State t-shirt.  Aggies wins

Kennesaw State vs Monmouth:  This is probably the most important football game in the history of football. Kennesaw State, which did not have a football team for most of the Obama Administration, will be playing to WIN THE BIG SOUTH CONFERENCE and go the FCS PLAYOFF. On top of that, The Owls have the greatest trophy: The Turnover Plank. This is simply amazing. It is making me verklempt. You can talk among yourselves while I regain my composure. Here's a topic: The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family. Discuss.  My Beloved Owls win

The Turnover Plank: The Coolest Thing Kennesaw State Ever Did

This Week's Picks

Every time I think America has jumped the shark, I see something that gives me hope. Such as this comment from a reader to Clay Travis at Outkick The Coverage.

 “I can’t believe I have to request anonymity for this, but I might get fired if someone found out about this question: I’m watching the Auburn-TAMU game and the lady that’s doing the play by play, Beth Mowins, well she sucks. Most of her comments are fluff. She doesn’t seem to know the names of players. And in general, her voice annoys me something fierce. Most of all, I can’t shake the feeling that she got the job because she’s a female, not because she deserved it (I could totally be wrong and she might have paid her dues; I have no way of knowing)."

Here's the response from Clay Travis.

"I think Beth Mowins is awful and it has nothing to do with her being a woman. 

Her voice is grating to me and detracts from my enjoyment of the game, which is the exact thing that an announcer shouldn’t be doing.

The best line anyone sent me about Robert Lee being pulled off the Virginia game because of sharing a name with Robert E. Lee was the guy who Tweeted me, 'I wish Beth Mowins had been a Confederate general too.'"

I agree one hundred per-cent.  In fact, I sat down to specifically watch the Auburn-TAMU game as part of my research for this week's post. But, I heard her voice and I turned the channel.

I know. "I am woman, hear me roar".  Roar all you want to, but please don't do play by play.


This Week's Picks!


Dawgs vs WarTigers:  In case you haven't heard, UGA is the winner of the SEC East. They are also, for the second week in a row, the number one seed in the FBS playoff bracket.  This a big game. The Tiger-Eagles are a very, very good team. Aside from beating Alabama, nothing gives Auburn more pleasure than beating Georgia. StubHub shows 301 tickets left, starting at $198.00. Oh, what the heck, Georgia wins.  Barely.

Wrecked vs Other Tech:  My annual "I can't pick the wrong team on this one because both teams are Tech" pick.  Georgia Tech is probably the best 4-4 team in the country. They are not as mediocre as their record suggests.  Virginia Tech is 6-2 and not as good as their record implies. StubHub still has 996 tickets left, starting at $13.00. What a deal. In any event, Tech wins.

 Our Lady vs Myamme:  Ah yes, the old "Catholics vs Convicts" game. By the way, have you seen Miami Coach Mark "Cutie Pie" Richt lately?  The dude is growing a goatee. Or is it a Van Dyke? I get those confused.  He's gone to wearing all black too. It is kind of like a football version of Olivia Newton-John in the movie "Grease".  One minute he's the All-American Boy and the next minute he's driving grease lightning. (Look, I know I am mixing characters, but you can keep up)  (EDITOR: We've tried. We've really, really tried). One of these days, he might go get a new tattoo. He might take his Harley on a three day cruise. He might even grow a fu Manchu.  Wait. Where was I?. Oh yeah, the game.  Notre Dame has lost one game to UGA and that was by a single point. Miami barely beat FSU and Georiga Tech. That tells you all you need to know. Notre Dame wins. 

Who are you and what have you done with Mark Richt?

Aroused Lizards vs Soonerorlaterlovegonnagetcha:  I heard a rumor that teams in The Big 12 Conference have defenses. Not sure if it is true.   Oklahoma scored ten billion points last week, defeating its state rival  Oklahoma State who scored a mere 9.999 billion points.  TCU is the best team in the country named after a reptile.  It should be another high scoring affair, but Oklahoma has the law firm of Baker Mayfield on its side, so they should win.  Sooners win

My Beloved Owls vs Charleston Southern:  Last week, Kennesaw State traveled to Bozeman, Montana and defeated Montana State. They should be back in town from their trip to Bozeman any day now, since their flight only had stops in Billings, Portland (ME), El Paso, Orlando, Charlotte, Saint Louis, Dallas, and Minneapolis. Charleston Southern is 5-4, while Kennesaw State is 8-1. I think we all know who is going to win this one, don't we President Olens?  Owls wins

This Week's Picks

 I'm back in The Blog!

Yes, after a real busy month, This Week's Picks returns to Humor Me  for the rest of the season.

Mrs. Blog and I went to New York City for a vacation. We went to The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and a taping of  "Live with Kelly and Ryan".   On the show that day was  Mark Feuerstein, who stars in a CBS sitcom called "9JKL". It is about a divorced man who moves into an apartment next door to his parents, Alice from the 70's TV show "Alice" and the original Trapper John.  I haven't seen it either.

The BIG star on the show was Tom Selleck.  If you were a young man growing into maturity in the early 80's, you wanted to be Tom Selleck for a day. Just a day. Can you imagine the women that threw themselves at Tom Selleck back then?  The ugliest would be described as F-I-N-E.

Yep, I took this picture.  Ryan needs to dress like a man.

Tom has aged gracefully, I guess.  He looked like he would rather be somewhere else than talking with Kelly and Ryan, but he still had that Tom Selleck charm.  He seemed like he could down a couple of Jack and Cokes, look you square in the eye and say, "Morgan Fairchild. Three times. Once in a Yugo".

Is There Anyone More 80's Than Morgan Fairchild?

This week's picks!



Big Bad Dawgs vs Illegal Gaming Chickens: Well, looky who is the number one seed (for now) in the FBS Playoff bracket! It is the Jawja Booldawgs! Sic em! Arf!  I mean, Bark.  Well, there's still a ways to go, but this season has been pretty kind to the Bulldogs.  South Carolina is a pretty good team (I'm not going to call them by their name because this is a family blog), but I just don't think they are as good as the Dawgs.  I can't help it,though, I still worry about them. It comes from years of watching Vince Dooley on TV when I was a kid.  The guys on Gameday would call this a "trap game".  There's nothing the Mighty Chickens would want more than to crush UGA's time in the sun. It won't happen.  UGA wins! 

Buzzed vs Same Old Virginny:  Flying under the radar of  UGA's season is Georgia Tech, which could have easily been 6-1 by now instead of 4-3. The Cavaliers are 5-3, but I'm not super impressed by them. The Bees are a much better team. Tech wins.

Paul Johnson's Expression When He Learned Where Babies Come From

Illesyou vs Bamy:  Well, well. They were about to run Ed Orgeron out of Red Stick because he lost to Troy.  But, LSU has also beat Syracuse, which beat Clemson. Somehow, the Tigers have strung together some pretty good wins and are 6-2.   However, they are meeting 8-0 Alabama, which somehow is number two in the playoff bracket despite being number one in the country. Only in college football.  Do you know who is unhappy with the turn of events?  Could it be .....SATAN?  I'm pretty sure Coach Nick Satan is going to make sure they take out their frustations on LSU.  Bama wins!


 

Nick Is Not Happy

Other Tech vs Cutie Pie's New Team:  This just may be the best game of the weekend. Other Tech is 7-1 and Miami is 7-0.  Clay Travis wants Miami to play in the FBS Championship game and defeat UGA because what would be more "Georgia" than finally making it to the championship and losing to a Mark Richt coached team?  While that would be interesting, I think Other Tech is just a little bit better.  Hokies win!


Kennesaw State vs Montana State:  My beloved Owls, which, by the way, have entered the Top 25 in the FCS rankings, travel all the way to Bozeman, Montana to play Montana State.  The cheapest flight I found: $460.00. It takes 11 days to get there. You have stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Salt Lake City, Honolulu, Portland (ME), and Minneapolis. I think you have to walk the last one hundred miles.  If you didn't know,  "Bozeman is a lively university town with a diverse choice of attractions and activities" according to the city of Bozeman's website.  I know it has an Outback Restaurant which is either the best or the worst restaurant in Bozeman, depending upon who you believe on Trip Advisor . The Montana State Bobcats are 4-4. The Owls are 7-1. The OWLS win (if not, then it will be a long trip home)

Bozeman: You Can't Get There From Here